The nights was ours
by Optimus95
Summary: Everyone knows Hannah's truth about her feelings for Clay on tape 11 that was posted online during the trail but Clay has been keeping his truths a secret about his true relationship with Hannah & what it meant to him when they met up during the night to spend time together during sophomore year right up to her suicide but what did they get up to? His truth is finally coming out
1. The photo booth strips

/Author note- This is the first story I've written a story that's set in the present day but with flashbacks sequences as well written in between. I hope it's easy for you guys to read and know which is which. Please leave a review thanks guys/

/5 Months after Hannah's memorial service/

As I lay back on the pillows on my bed I looked down at the photo booth strips photos of me and Hannah together in our Crestmont uniforms, we looked so happy together back then when we took these photos, God I miss her so much that it still hurts so hard on my heart when I think about the happy times we spent together…..

Sighing heavily to myself I wanted desperately tonight to be so good with my date to finally push me in the right direction to try to move on with my life but I still ended up talking about Hannah and all the stuff and places we'd been together on my date. I heard loud footsteps coming up the staircase as Justin barged into our shared bedroom as I quickly tried to hide the photo strips and a small box to side of me out of view from him

'Hey man' he greeted, jumping down onto his bed

'Hi Justin'

'How was your date tonight with Alicia?' he asked, leaning on one arm as he turned to faced me

'Awful just awful Justin I knew I wasn't ready yet' I admitted

'It can't have been that bad Clay'

'You weren't there ok. Talking about an ex or past love is one thing but to carry on talking about a dead girl who you once loved like I did is fucked up man. God I'm such an idiot'

'Jesus Clay me and Jessica worked so hard to set you up with Alicia tonight' he groaned loudly

'I told you I was bad with girls but you or Jessica wouldn't believe me or that I wasn't ready yet'

'Yeah but you seemed confident whenever I saw you around Hannah' Justin interjected

'Hannah was different, she was special to me'

'In what way'

'In ways I struggle to tell anyone how I truly felt about her that sometimes words can't describe' I admitted, touching the lid of the box I held so tightly towards me

'What you got there Clay' he asked

'It's nothing Justin' I sighed, trying to shield the box away from his view. 'Justin can I ask you something'

'Anything brother'

'You've had many girlfriends before in the past right?' I exclaimed

'Yeah'

'And taken a lot of photos together probably right on your phone'

'Right'

'Well….what I'm trying to say is about the photos' I mumbled along, struggling to find the right words

'Oh Jesus Jensen just spit it out what you want to say man'

I sighed heavily before drawing up the confidence to finally tell him the truth. 'On my phone I have a ton of photos of me and Hannah together, should I delete them all to carry on my healing process and try to move on from her, from those memories together' I admitted, sitting upright and looking down on my phone in the photo gallery

'Oh Clay' he replied sympathetically

Justin got up from his bed and sat down beside me on mine, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me closer to him, looking down at the photos of me and Hannah as he took hold of the phone

'Don't deletes these Clay without making another copy or you'll regret it forever that you did it in the heat of the moment'

'Thanks Justin' I replied

I was too busy looking at another phone of me and Hannah I didn't realise Justin had stretched his arm behind me and retrieved the box I tried to hide from him, he brought it over the top of my head and held it close in his lap while looking down carefully of the photo booth strips on top of the lid

'What's in the box Clay?' he questioned, giving it a gentle shack

'If I tell you what it is you promise not to tell anyone about it. No one knows about it except Tony, not even my parents know about it'

'I promise Clay hand on heart'

'It's a memory box of Hannah, everything is this box has some meaning to it and a story behind it of a night we spent together during our sophomore and junior year' I admitted, peeling of the lid of the box to show Justin the contents inside the box

The box contained all sorts of things that most people would consider to be trash worthy or meaningless but from the look on Justin's face he know personal items like these meant a lot more to some people like me, holding onto sentimental value of the memory. He picked up a folded piece of paper and opened it to reveal the word 'TRAINEE'

I sighed gently to myself as I thought back to that day at the Crestmont, Justin peeled the sticky tape on the back and placed it on my chest

'There you go trainee' he proclaimed

My mind took me back to the start of summer before my sophomore year began, hearing Hannah saying those exact words that echoed inside my head…

* * *

 _As I stood behind the concession stand with Hannah Baker she adjusted my trainee badge that started to slip off my uniform, I fiddled with the bottom of the paper when she was done_

 _'_ _There you go trainee' she smiled_

 _'_ _How long do I have to keep on wearing this for Hannah?'_

 _'_ _Until you stop burning the popcorn Helmet, not everyone loves burnt popcorn as much as you do' she replied, throwing a few burnt pieces at my head that scattered the ground beneath me_

 _We both chuckled lightly at my cock up again for the third time during the week, the inside plaza was quiet as most of the movies that were showing tonight were about half an hour near their end, I looked over at Hannah who was staring at the photo booth at the other side of the room. She raised her brows suggestively and nudged her head towards it_

 _'_ _No Hannah I don't do photos plus I don't want to get us in trouble with Mr Brady'_

 _'_ _Oh come on Helmet it will be fun it will only take a minute' she pleaded. 'The photo booth will be gone by tomorrow morning went it sent to the scrap heap'_

 _'_ _Just one photo yeah' I protested_

 _'_ _More like a few strips Clay' she teased, pulling at my arm to_ _join her_

 _Hannah locked up the till and we left the concession stand as we rushed across to the photo booth, jumping inside and pulling the curtain shut as I inserted some quarters into the machine. We did all sorts of different poses and wacky faces as the flash kept on going, we stood outside the machine waiting for our double copies to be printed as they dropped out of the collection point, Hannah skimmed through them before handing me my copy of the strips_

 _'_ _This one if my favourite Helmet, god just look at your face' Hannah exclaimed excitedly_

 _Hannah showed me which one she was referring too, it was the last one we took together in the booth, she totally caught me off guard and kissed my cheek in that photo and my cheeks has blushed pink in shocked surprise and my eyes were jumping out of their sockets_

 _'_ _Oh god that's so embarrassing' I groaned loudly_

 _'_ _It looks like you've just gotten your first kiss from a girl in that photo. You have been kissed before by a girl right Helmet'_

 _I didn't say anything to that or look in Hannah's direction as she came up close to me, sighing heavily I shook my head no while she gasped loudly in exclaimed shock_

 _'_ _Well I kind of feel honoured to be your first' she smiled_

 _'_ _Well thank you'_

 _'_ _My pleasure Helmet' Hannah winked_

 _I shook my head sarcastically as we began to help the others begin the big clean-up of the night as nearly all the guests tonight had left the Crestmont. An hour later we were done and I decided to walk Hannah home safely as she was gonna walk home alone in the dark, during our journey to her house we talked about zombies but she continued to tease me about the photos every now and again_

 _'_ _You're not going to throw these away when you get home are you Helmet' Hannah asked, looking down at the strips in her hand_

 _'_ _Of course not Hannah I'll treasure this embarrassing moment forever with these photos'_

 _'_ _Because if you do I'll make copies Helmet and send them to you once a month to your home'_

 _'_ _You wouldn't dare' I proclaimed, giving her my best death stare_

 _'_ _Try me Helmet' she replied, holding my stare back as we didn't break contact with each other_

 _I broke a few moments later from her stare as we chuckled lightly as we reached the front of her new home, Hannah hugged me good night as she walked up her pathway to the door, she stopped midway and turned around to face me_

 _'_ _Clay….umm Helmet my parents are out of town and left me money to order a pizza, I don't know any of the pizza joints here and since it's late would you like to stay and have dinner with me' she asked_

 _'_ _Sure thing Hannah' I replied. 'Joey's pizza is the best in the whole town'_

 _'_ _I'll have to take your words on that' Hannah smiled widely…._

* * *

Justin groaned from his bed and rubbed his stomach as I could hear it growling loudly, he turned to face me while looking at his phone

'All this talk about food has gotten me hungry I could do with a pizza from Joey's, you want in Clay' he questioned, raising a brow

'Only if it's a meat feast pizza Justin' I informed him

'Sure thing' he replied, typing his order in on the takeaway app on his phone. 'Do you want a drink with it Clay I'm getting a coke and some fries as well'

'I'll have the same as well'

'So what else happened between you and Hannah that night?'

All I could think about was the coke and taste of it that night at Hannah's home, how nervous she'd been to have a boy around the house afterwards she'd admitted to me….

* * *

 _I sat nervously on Hannah's couch while she went to gets some drinks out of the fridge as the pizza had just arrived, there was still some moving boxes left to be unpacked but it looked like The Bakers were nearly done moving in. Hannah reappeared out from the kitchen with two glasses in her hands_

 _'_ _So Helmet are you coke type of person or a coke type of person' she enquired_

 _'_ _Tough choice Hannah… I'd say I was coke type of person' I relied, grinning lightly_

 _'_ _Good call Helmet'_

 _Hannah handed me my drink and then turned on the tv to some horror movie to fill the room with some background noise as we tucked into our late night dinner…._

 _After we were done I tried to help Hannah clean up but she was having none of it, telling me she was fine and that I was guest in her home while she refilled our glasses again_

 _'_ _Honestly Hannah I don't mind help cleaning up'_

 _'_ _You cooked I clean' she protested_

 _'_ _Technically I didn't cook I ordered' I stated, raising a brow_

 _'_ _That you did very well at Helmet, that was the best pizza I'd ever had' she admitted_

 _We took another sip of our drinks as we both lay together on her couch, Hannah turned towards me instead of watching the horror movie, grabbing some nail polish of the table and started to paint her nails sky blue_

 _'_ _Can I ask you some things about Liberty High Helmet?' Hannah exclaimed, looking up at me_

 _'_ _Ok Hannah…umm what would you like to know'_

 _'_ _What's it like there? You've been there a year'_

 _'_ _It can be horrible there sometimes and the jocks can just be mean, so I'd watch my back if I was you Hannah being the new girl and all'_

 _'_ _Thanks Helmet but I'll be fine' she sighed weakly_

 _'_ _I'll watch out for you in the hallways Hannah on your first day if you like and introduce you to my friend Tony he's an amazing best friend you could ever wish to have. I'm sure you two will get along when you guys meet each other eventually'_

 _Hannah smiled widely before she spoke. 'Listen Clay my mom and I are going to attend the school's football game on saturday to get to know some people there and I was wondering if you would like to join us'_

 _'_ _I can't Hannah I'm sorry me and Tony are doing something that night together'_

 _'_ _It's ok maybe we could all hang out together another time, maybe I might get to meet Tony then'_

 _'_ _I'd like that' I smiled widely, thinking of what we three could all do together some night_

 _Hannah blew on her nails to dry the paint on them before reaching over and taking a hold of my hand, dragging it closer to her lap and pulling out the paint brush_

 _'_ _What are you doing?' I proclaimed as the tip of the brush slid across my nail_

 _'_ _Still afraid to sacrifice your masculinity Helmet' Hannah enquired, raising a brow and giggling cheekily_

 _'_ _If blow drying and styling my hair wasn't enough for you, why are you painting my nails Hannah?'_

 _'_ _No reason' she smiled happily. 'I thought we could be matching nail bff tomorrow at work'_

 _I sighed gently as I let Hannah paint my nails on both hands to a bright sky blue shade as we continued to talk about Liberty High and our dreams afterwards we were done there. It was close after eleven when I had to leave for home after my mom rang three time already, I stepped out of her house when Hannah called back to me_

 _'_ _Thanks Helmet for a lovely evening'_

 _'_ _Thanks for the nails Hannah' I exclaimed, wiggling my fingers_

 _'_ _You know not many guys would let a girl do that to them'_

 _'_ _Well I'm not like most guys Hannah' I stated, seeing the blush appear in her cheeks_

 _'_ _I can tell that you aint, we should do this again sometime'_

 _'_ _What like hang out together' I suggested_

 _'_ _Yeah Helmet just you and me, I'll text you the last weekend of every month and we can do something together just us'_

 _'_ _I'd like that Hannah'_

 _'_ _Night Helmet' she smiled_

 _'_ _Night'_

 _Hannah leaped forward and hugged me tightly, she waved goodnight from her porch while watching me ride of in the night on my bike on my way home…_

* * *

Justin picked up the last slice of pizza from the box as I downed the rest of my coke, finish telling him my story of the first night me and Hannah actually spend together sophomore year and how that photo booth strip came about. I carefully placed the strip back inside the memory box of Hannah

'Was that the first time you hung together at her home' he exclaimed

'Yeah'

'And everything inside that box has a story behind it right' Justin asked, nodding towards the memory box that sat beside me on my bed. 'So what's next?'


	2. The bandage

I kept hold of the memory box closely to me as I could tell Justin had so many questions burning away in his mind right now that he wanted to ask about the next content in the box that comes next in mine and Hannah's story together, he rubbed his hands over his eyes trying to figure out the perfect question to ask next

'Why didn't Hannah mention any of this on the tapes, your true relationship together on your tape and what you guys did together during the nights'

'Did she mention every little thing you guys did together on your tapes?' I questioned while Justin shook his head. 'I thought not. Hannah told her truths the way she wanted them to be told, what we did together when we met up was and still is no one else's business'

'Then why are you telling me all of this Clay?' he questioned, pursing his lips

'Because I'm angry all the time Justin, upset that she's gone for good but I still keep on thinking I'll see her again tomorrow' I stated, sighing heavily before meeting his gaze again. 'I miss her all the time and I haven't been able to fully open up to anyone about it, I miss my best friends so much'

Justin got up from his bed and walked over to me, pulling heavily on my arm and hauling me up to him, he embraced into a deep hug as tears started to form in my eyes and blurred my vision

'We all miss her all the time too Clay' he admitted, stroking my back soothingly. 'If you ever want to talk about Hannah just remember I'm always here for you, any time of the day or night Clay don't ever forget that'

'Thanks Justin' I croaked

He let go of me as we sat down my bed together while he handed me my memory box back, peeling off the lid of the box I rummaged around to find the next piece of memory of mine and Hannah's nights together.

'Can we talk about Hannah Now?' I asked

'Sure if it helps, I'm sorta fascinated what you guys secretly did together' he smiled weakly

At the bottom of the box I found what I was looking for and unpeeled a large bandage open before us, in the centre was a pool of dried up blood. My blood to be more exact from that night over a year ago

'This is what comes next'

'A blooded bandage' Justin questioned, raising a brow

My phone buzzed from my bedside table loudly, flashing up the screen to show I'd got a text from Tony, I dismissed it as I looked back down on the blooded bandage….

* * *

 _It was late friday night as I sat at my desk hopelessly trying to do my geometry homework that was due in monday morning when I heard a small knock on the window, completely dismissing it as possibly a tree branch hitting the window in the slight autumn breeze I tried to continue on with my homework when it happened again but louder this time. Jumping out of my chair I ran to the other of my bedroom petrified of what it could be_

 _'Holy shit' I whispered quietly to myself_

 _It was quiet for a few minutes as the knocks stopped before the buzz of my phone in my jean pocket startled me as I reached down to retrieve it, it was a text message from Hannah, I clicked it open to reveal a one worded text she sent._

 _'Incoming' I sighed gently, trying to figure out what it could mean_

 _I heard a gentle knock on my bedroom window as I looked up from my phone, walking over towards my desk I pulled on the cord for the blinds to reveal Hannah Baker was out there on the other side of my window, I quickly pushed open my window and let her inside my bedroom, lending my hands which she thankfully took as I helped her in_

 _'Jesus Hannah you scared the hell out of me'_

 _'Sorry Helmet I didn't mean too' she proclaimed, seating down on my bed. 'So…this is what Clay Jensen's bedroom looks like'_

 _Her eyes scanned my sorta messy bedroom looking at my stuff on shelves, Hannah's gaze landed on a few band posters and hand drawing on the wall when she finally turned to me and smiled warmly_

 _'You sound disappointed Hannah. What were you expecting to find' I teased_

 _'I don't know maybe some Star Wars lego for some reason I don't know why'_

 _'Well I did have some set but I've put them into storage under my bed' I admitted shamelessly_

 _Hannah raised her brow suggestively proving her point right as I tried to hide the embarrassing blush that appeared on my cheeks, she laughed lightly causing the smile on my face to grow before patting the spot next to her on my bed to join her_

 _'Anyway what are doing here' I questioned, raising a brow_

 _'Have you forgotten what tonight is'_

 _'Umm…..yeah what is tonight by the way'_

 _'It that weekend of every month we'd said we would spend together Helmet so here I am' she informed me_

 _'Ok….right so what do you want to do tonight Hannah?' I asked_

 _'I don't know Clay maybe we could go for a late night walk, you can show what cool places there are in this god forsaken town'_

 _'Or how about we go for a late night ride on my bike, I mean I don't let anyone just ride my bike'_

 _'Ok Helmet let's do that then' she replied. 'Does that mean I get vip service on your bike then?'_

 _'Of course m'lady' I bowed in front of her like a true gentleman, reaching down beside my bed and giving her my helmet_

 _Hannah got up from my bed and took a hold of my hand, guiding us over to my bedroom window as she lifted up the frame_

 _'Why don't we just go out the front door Hannah?'_

 _'Are you afraid of heights Helmet' she teased, squeezing my hand reassuringly_

 _'What me of course not' I stated, hoping we wouldn't go out through the window_

 _'Then we're going out through the window, I sneaked out of my house just to come see you tonight Helmet so you can do the same for me'_

 _'This is the first time I've ever sneaked out of my house' I exclaimed, breathing heavily_

 _'Trust me it gets addictive' Hannah smiled wickedly_

 _'I'm starting to think you're just a bad influence on me Hannah Baker'_

 _'Admit it Helmet you love me for it' she proclaimed, winking at me_

 _I nodded my head in agreement as Hannah climbed out my window first while still keeping hold of my hand, she gave an encouraging tug of my arm to follow her to which I did and gently closed my window, both of us climbing down my roof and landing softly on the ground below to avoid drawing my parents attention who were in the living room._

 _Grabbing my bike out of the garage I took it the end of the driveway, I saddled up while Hannah jumped on top of the handlebars and adjusted my helmet I lent her_

 _'Dear god Helmet you better not crash us I'm trusting you with my life'_

 _'I won't trust me on this Baker' I assured_

 _I pedalled out of my driveway and down the street quickly out of view from my house, Hannah took over steering my bike as I continued on pedalling around the town. We past Liberty High then the Crestmont before speeding down the road past Monet's, we stopped a few blocks away from Eisenhower Park for a midnight treat and grabbed an ice cream cone together from the local ice cream parlour that was still open_

 _'So you're a mint choc chip kinda girl' I enquired as we stood outside eating our frozen treats_

 _'That I am' she stated. 'I'm kind of surprised that you didn't get chocolate or bubblegum I thought that might be your favourite'_

 _'Nope I'm strawberry straight up' I smiled, taking a seductive lick of my ice cream as we both chuckled_

 _'You're such an enigma Clay Jensen' Hannah admitted. 'I' never would have guessed I look forward to knowing more about you Helmet'_

 _'There really isn't much to know about me Hannah'_

 _'I'm sure there is'_

 _I turned to face Hannah and she extended her arm to my face, gently tapping her mint choc chip ice cream against my nose before laughing lightly_

 _'Thanks Hannah' I groaned, wiping it off my nose_

 _'Anytime Clay'_

 _I went to go for Hannah in revenge but she was one step ahead on me and dodged my frailing attempts, her sweet laughter causing me to giggle as I chased her down the block. Dumping my bike to the ground I threw my arms around Hannah tightly when I finally caught hold of her_

 _'Ok Helmet you got me' she pleaded, dodging my ice cream cone_

 _I gently tapped my strawberry ice cream against her nose as she wiped it off immediately with her fingers and licked it, we both chuckled lightly over our ice cream fight as I picked up my bike from the ground, carrying on walking down the street while we finished off our midnight treat. Hannah froze in her track as I turned back around to see what she was looking at deep in thought, she was looking at the playground in Eisenhower Park more specifically the rocket slide_

 _'What's wrong Hannah?' I asked, confused to why she was staring at it_

 _'I wanted my first kiss to be innocent Clay, I used to love playing in the park as a little girl with my dad all the time and now….every time I go past a park all I think about is how Justin ruined me with that picture and all the rumours that dripped toxic from everyone mouths afterwards when it was spread around the school'_

 _I could see some of the pain behind Hannah's tears she was trying desperately to hold back and fake a reassuring smile, placing my bike to rest against a lamppost I bought Hannah into a hug, I felt her arms swooped around me as she laid her head against my chest, I looked down at Hannah and saw tears welling in her eyes as one snuck free that slid down her cheek_

 _'I'm sorry Hannah' I stated, wiping that tear away with my thumb_

 _'What for'_

 _'For believing the rumours at first. I've known you now for a few weeks Hannah I should never have believed them in the first place' I admitted, sighing deeply. 'I wish people didn't believe the rumours and see you the way I do'_

 _'How do you see me Helmet?' Hannah enquired_

 _'A sweet, caring and funny girl, if the kids at Liberty got to know you the way I do then they would be so lucky to have and call you a friend like I do'_

 _'Thanks Clay' she whispered softly, her gaze landing back on the rocket slide as Hannah's smiled dropped completely_

 _'Right…..I'm gonna prove to you not all guys are like Justin Foley at Liberty'_

 _'How Helmet' she questioned, raising a brow_

 _'He ruined your memories of parks forever so how about tonight we play in the park together and create new ones'_

 _Hannah smiled weakly and pulled out of my embrace while wiping away any water marks left on her cheeks, taking my helmet from the bike she adjusted the strap while I jumped on my bike, she climbed onto the handle bar as I rode us away from her bad memories of Eisenhower Park to another Park on the other side of town…_

 _Hannah and I played on the swing set first then the merry go round, her deep laughter made my smiler grow wider as I spun us both faster, Hannah held out her hand for me to take to which I did when I jumped back on after giving us another quick spin_

 _'I'm slipping Helmet' she cried, her hand sliding out of my grasp_

 _'I've got you Hannah' I called out as I entwined our fingers together and held on for dear life on the bars_

 _As the merry go round came to a slow grinding halt we both stepped off it with our hands still connected together, my eyes were still spinning in their sockets as we both decided to climb the jungle gym. Miraculously we made it up to the top with our heads still spinning without falling off and hurting ourselves on the way down, I sat down on a flat area just before the start of the slide as Hannah sat down in my lap and curled up against my chest_

 _'Thanks Helmet for doing this. Making new memories for me' she admitted, her body shaking lightly from the cold wind that swept in tonight_

 _'No problem Hannah' I smiled_

 _Hannah took out her phone from her jean pocket and opened up the camera, she throw her arm around my neck and drew me closer to her as she rested her head against my shoulder while I lightly wrapped my arms around her waist holding her steady_

 _'Smile Helmet'_

 _We smiled widely when she took the photos and placed her phone back in her pocket, her body still shivered from the brutal cold winds as I shredded off my jacket and placed it on Hannah's shoulders_

 _'Here take it Hannah'_

 _'You sure Helmet'_

 _I nodded my head while she slid her arms through the sleeve and lifted up her beautiful brunette hair that got strapped by the jacket_

 _'I'll be fine' I informed her, pulling the zip up on the jacket to the top. My gaze seeing the huge smile on Hannah's face as I felt the heat rise in my cheek_

 _'Can we play a game I used to play as a kid Helmet?'_

 _'Sure what was it' I enquired as she rose up from my lap, missing her body heat immediately as I felt the cold winds against my skin_

 _'Tag' she screamed loudly and slid down the slide_

 _I chuckled lightly as I rose up from the floor to see Hannah had reached the bottom and was waiting for me to come down to her before she ran off around the playground. I cornered her around the slide after I chased around the jungle gym twice and grabbed hold of Hannah. Lifting her off her feet I placed her down on the slide and caged her in from a quick escape, drawing my face closer to her I bopped her nose_

 _'Tag you're it' I laughed_

 _I rose up quickly from her on the slide before she could tag me back and ran off as Hannah's laughter filled the air as she gave chase, I looked back to where she was when I felt a huge weight of a strong object smack me right across the head as I fell to the ground from it. I felt soft hands wrapped around my head as my vision came back to normal and saw Hannah crouch down in front of me_

 _'Oh my god Clay, are you alright' she asked frantically. 'Helmet your bleeding should I take you to the hospital'_

 _'No Hannah they'll phone my mum and she'll just worry like mad over something over nothing really'_

 _'You're bleeding badly on your forehead Helmet. Come back to mine at least and I'll clean you up' Hannah suggested_

 _I nodded my head while Hannah helped me back up to my feet, my head throbbed like bad as I felt my blood leaking out of me on my fingers, Hannah wrapped her arm around my waist for support to lean on and placed my arm around her. We walked back to her house in the dead silent night as there weren't much people around now…_

 _Sitting down on the edge of Hannah's bed I waited for her to appear back from the bathroom with a first aid box, she quietly entered her bedroom and gently closed the door shut to not wake her parents up. Hannah cleaned up my cut on my forehead and applied some antiseptic cream to the wound, she placed a huge bandage on my forehead and gave me some Tylenol_

 _'How are you feeling Clay?'_

 _'I feel fine. Thanks for not calling an ambulance Hannah' I replied, standing up and feeling my balance starting to wobble as Hannah placed her hand on my arm to steady me_

 _'You don't look fine Helmet' she informed me. 'Stay here tonight so I can keep an eye on you, I don't want to send you away like this Clay in the middle of the night. Anything could happen to you'_

 _'Ok Hannah'_

 _'You can sleep in my bed tonight Helmet I'll find something for you to change into' she informed me. 'I'll text Tony to give you a lift home in the morning'_

 _I nodded my head as Hannah left her bedroom once again with the first aid kit and returned minutes later changed into her PJs and throw me some of her dad's sleeping shorts and a t-shirt, she turned her back to me while I got changed quickly and got under the duvet on her bed. Hannah lifted up the duvet and climbed in next to me as our faces were just inches apart from each other, our gaze locked with one another as she reached out and touched my forehead gently_

 _'Ouchhhhhh' I groaned, muffling into one of her pillow to keep the noise down_

 _'Does it till hurt Clay I barely touched it'_

 _'It's just throbbing like crazy Hannah'_

 _'Maybe this will help' she suggested_

 _Hannah sat up slightly in her bed and softly planted her hand against my cheek, she drew my head up closer to her and delicately pressed her lips against the bandage and kissed where it hurt the most, a small amount of pain subsided from the gentle kiss_

 _'Any better' Hannah asked, raising a brow_

 _'Much better'_

 _'If you wake up during the night needing more Tylenol Helmet then there's some on my bedside table' she motioned behind her_

 _'Thanks Hannah for taking care of me tonight I really appreciate it' I admitted, leaning forward and kissed her forehead softly_

 _'I'll always take care of my Helmet' she smiled as we chuckled lightly and moved a bit closer to each other in bed, Hannah reached up from underneath the duvet and took hold of my hand in hers, her thumb moving soothingly over my knuckles, making sure I wouldn't get up and leave during the middle of the night, when she was done I drew up her hand to my mouth and kissed her knuckles as I rested our hands back to where they were, in the middle of us as we drifted off into peaceful sleep right next to each other….._

 _The morning sun peaked through the sides of her blind and lit up Hannah's room, my sleepy eyes adjusting to the day and saw hands were still connected together from last night. I gave a gentle squeeze and Hannah's eye lids flutter open and saw where my gaze was staring at, our joined hands together as she had a sleepy smile on her face and squeezed my hand back gently_

 _'Morning Helmet'_

 _'Hey Hannah'_

 _'How's your head' she asked, inspecting the bandage_

 _'It's not that bad now'_

 _'I'm gonna go check if the coast is clear, Tony said he'll be waiting at the end of the block to pick you up'_

 _Hannah got up from her bed and left the room, I missed the warmth from her hand as I quietly got up and changed back into my clothes from last night, looking into the mirror I removed the bandage and touched my forehead it was still slightly wet and a small amount of blood leaked from me, I put back on my bandage as Hannah entered her bedroom_

 _'Coast is clear and my parents are still asleep, Tony is putting your bike in the trunk of his car' she informed me. 'I'd changed the bandage if I was you when you get home Helmet'_

 _'Thanks again Hannah for everything you did for me last night'_

 _'It was nothing don't mention it Helmet' she smiled assuringly. 'See you tonight'_

 _'Tonight?' I asked_

 _'At work or are you gonna phone in sick'_

 _'I'll be there Hannah' I assured her_

 _I hugged Hannah goodbye tightly to muffle out her giggles from how tight I clung to her, our faces inches apart while our gaze locked with one another as we didn't look away, I bore my eyes into her as we both swooped down and kissed each other's cheek, creeping out of her bedroom I saw the blush on Hannah's face as she touched the cheek I kissed and smiled, we waved goodbye once more as I left her home and got into Tony's cherry red Mustang_

 _'Hannah Baker ehh' he questioned, raising a brow suggestively_

 _'Shut it Tony we aint like that at all'_

 _'I didn't say anything'_

 _'Didn't have too' I protested_

 _Tony pulled away from the Baker's residence as I looked over to Hannah's bedroom, I could see her standing by the window as she watched us leave and waved again…._

* * *

Holding onto the bandage in my hands I folded it up carefully and placed it back inside the memory box, I looked up and saw Justin was staring at me as I placed the box down on my nightstand

'You two really cared for each other didn't you Clay, took care of one another when you needed it'

'More than anyone knows' I stated

'Look Clay…..I'm not going to push you to open up and tell me everything inside the box straight away but I feel like you've got this whole weight on your shoulders that you need to get off' he admitted, sighing deeply. 'Just come and talk to me when you feel like you can carry on with what's next ok Clay'

'I will Justin no more closed book from me I promise it's just….reliving these memories it's hard for me to talk about without missing her and wanting to hold Hannah again' I sobbed, feeling my throat stating to close up tightly from the crying of telling Justin these personal memories of the what could have been of all them nights together

'Everything does start to get easier when you start talking about it, trust me it does. We can talk more about it tomorrow if you want' Justin admitted, smiling weakly while turning off the light in the room. 'Night Clay'

'Night'

I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep when a vision of Hannah Baker appeared in my mind, she giggled lightly and all the happy memories we shared together started to play before me as I tried to hold onto them before all the bad ones of her life started to overshadow them as I quietly cried myself to sleep like I had been doing so for months now, the pain I felt in my body was still hot and raw as I couldn't shake off the bad memories just yet and hold onto the good ones and think of them like Hannah had wanted me to do ….


	3. The movie ticket

It was late into the night when Justin and I exited the Crestmont and jumped into my Prius on the other side of the street; I turned on the heating in the car as we waited to get warm from the chilly night outside. Dropping some Skittles in my hand I dumped them into my mouth as I throw the box into the small glove compartment at the bottom of the dashboard

'Did you enjoy the movie tonight Justin' I asked

'It was alright'

'It was alright, The Breakfast Club is a cult classic, and they don't make films like these anymore brother'

'Whatever you say brother' he teased, pulling out a pack of Twizzlers from his jacket pocket

'You're clearly have similarities to Andrew but you just don't see it Justin'

'How so Jensen we're no way similar' he questioned

'You can't think for yourself sometimes Justin you used to always go along with your group of jocks and bow down to peer pressure to humiliate someone who wasn't popular just fit in with them' I admitted, thinking back to my freshman year and how I was treated by the jocks then. 'I'm so glad you aint like that no more Justin'

'Well thank you if I'm Andrew then your Brain no doubt' Justin informed me

'Care to explain why'

'You're both nerds' he smirked, chewing on his Twizzler

'Is that it? Your best argument is were both nerds' I stated

'Ok Clay but don't take this the wrong way but you both contemplated suicide but I'm so glad you didn't go through with it I wouldn't be where I am today without you Clay' he admitted, lightly touching my hand and give a weak smile

'I guess in a way it's good that we haven't conformed to our natural stereotypes then, I mean who would have though a year ago you and me would be friends at least let alone be brother'

I grabbed a Twizzler out of the bag from Justin's grip as he stole some of my skittles while I pulled out onto the road and drove us back home. On the journey back we talked about what our next brotherly bonding should be as we narrowed it down to a bowling night or spending the night stargazing in the back garden. Pulling up alongside our home we discussed the pros and cons of both while going up to our shared bedroom, Justin emptied his wallet of his Crestmont tickets and receipts as he ripped them in half and binned them, I added my ticket to the stack I collected over the years and placed them back inside my desk draw

'Can I ask you something Clay?'

'It better not be about what we're doing next time together it's already stressing me out'

'It's not that at all' he chuckled. 'Why do you keep hold of your movie tickets?'

'For the memories really. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember since I was a little kid so I can remember what it was like when I first saw it on the big screen' I admitted, taking a breath. 'Take Infinity War for example that changed my whole cinematic experience forever, I felt so many different emotions watching that and the ticket is just a reminder of an awesome time I had'

'You've kept all your tickets since childhood I've always thrown mine away'

'Only the ones I want to admit too I've seen in the cinema' I stated

My gaze directly landed on the memory box of Hannah that was hidden behind some books on the shelf, I walked over and took hold of the box. Justin knew I liked to touch and keep hold of my memory box most nights even when I didn't want to open up to him, it gave me comfort and relief that I missed and hadn't felt since Hannah died, now was the right time to tell Justin the next part in my secretive truth

'But there is one ticket I've kept separate from my ticket pile' I interjected

'It' not something that you're ashamed of admitting to seeing is it' he teased

'No it's not that Justin this ticket holds significant value'

Taking off the lid of the memory box I found what I was looking for immediately and pulled out a movie ticket from the Crestmont from over a year ago, Justin's eyes scanned the movie title that was printed onto it

'Strictly Ballroom' he questioned

'Like I said it this one holds significant value' I admitted

The ticket felt soft and crisp like it had a year ago in my hand, I remember this movie so well sometimes I know the lines by heart because of the many times me and Hannah watched it together during sophomore year but this wasn't the movie I watched that night with her…

* * *

 _Unfortunately the last weekend of the month Hannah and I had been scheduled in into work but to make matters worse we were on separate duties tonight as she was out front in the box office while I was on my own in the concession stand, not how I wanted to spend my evening with Hannah especially on our given night together. Hannah and I decided to have our breaks together in the employee's room as it started to rain outside while Karen and Carl went back out to cover our jobs while we were taking a rest, I swiped a box of Mikes & Ikes and Skittles out from underneath the cabinet while gingerly walking away to the employee's room, gently throwing Hannah's favourite candy to her I joined her at the table she was sat at waiting for me to appear with two cups of hot chocolate_

 _'I'm sorry we couldn't hang out tonight properly Clay. Being here on our night just sucks' she sighed deeply_

 _'It's not your fault Hannah maybe we could do our night tomorrow instead, what do you say'_

 _'I'd like that Helmet' she smiled weakly. 'Did you pay for these?'_

 _I shook my head no as I cracked open my box of Skittles and threw a few in my hand, dumping them into my mouth and chewing down on the fruity goodness, looking over to Hannah she gasped at my new rebellious behaviour_

 _'What? It's not like I haven't seen you take a box of Mikes & Ikes out of the cabinet every now and again'_

 _'It's not just me Helmet that does it you do know that don't you'_

 _'I know Hannah everybody does it I'm surprised Mr Brady hasn't even noticed on the inventory yet that a few candy boxes go missing a month'_

 _'It's literally stealing candy from a baby with that man I don't really think he cares that a few boxes goes missing'_

 _We chuckled lightly as I throw more of my favourite candy into my mouth, Hannah's kept her gaze fixated onto my candy box before looking back to me and smiled warmly_

 _'Would you like some of my Skittles Hannah' I asked_

 _She nodded her head and held out her hand while I poured half of my box for her, Hannah looked like she needed more than I did as I saw a genuine smile on her face, the first I'd seen her do tonight as she appreciated the gesture. I went to put the seal back in place on my box before Hannah stopped me and placed her hand on top of my box; she gave me half of her Mikes & Ikes to fill up my box and closed the seal shut_

 _'Thanks Hannah'_

 _Hannah smiled warmly as our hands both lingered near each other on the table, her soft delicate fingers reached over and touched mine, I was surprised I didn't pull away from her as I took hold of her fingertips, my thumb moved over to her soft knuckles and soothly rubbed them. The smile of my face hadn't dropped yet as Hannah didn't pull away from me either, this was the first time we did anything intimate with each other, the peace and comfort it brought to the both of us lifted our spirits on a crappy day it's been but this small moment brought huge smiles to our faces….._

 _Our hands were still connected to each other while we drank our hot chocolates, it wouldn't be long before our break ended and we had to go back to work, I finished my hot drink but I couldn't help but think of Hannah and her F.M.L friends, she seemed a little off after their appointment at the office before we started out shift tonight_

 _'You ok Hannah you seem a little off tonight' I asked_

 _'I'm fine Clay'_

 _'Did everything go ok at Monet's with Jessica and Alex?'_

 _'I guess so' she croaked_

 _'You can talk to me Hannah if you got something on your mind' I assured her_

 _'Do you ever feel like you could be losing your only two best friends who are hanging out without you and making new secrets of their own? I feel like a third wheel to them now that's just gonna be in the way'_

 _'I don't have many best friends so I wouldn't know besides Tony….' I stated_

 _Hannah raised her brow suggestively as too what I tagged her to be to me, I mean we were friends and on our way to becoming best friends_

 _'Of course you as well Hannah' I proclaimed as I held her hand more firmly, she smiled weakly. 'What I'm trying to say is that if you lose your best friends over some bullshit…just know you'll never lose me as your friend Hannah. I'll be your friend forever'_

 _Hannah smiled widely at that as she processed my way of rambling of how I feel before she moved forward, closing the distance between us and pressed her soft plump lips against my cheek, the contact sent warmth through my entire body that I never felt before from a girl, her sweet laugh caused me to blush harder which I knew she saw on my face_

 _'You're the sweetest boy ever Helmet. Never change' she admitted. 'Come on let's get back to work before Mr Brady loses his shit where we are'_

 _Hannah lent her hand to me as she helped me up out of my seat even though I didn't need the help, we walked back out to the foyer and assumed our jobs again to relief Karen and Carl from taking over from us as they went back to their jobs for the evening….._

 _Looking down at my watch I saw I only had ten more minutes of my shift left as we were nearly done with big clean up operation of the whole Crestmont, this was the only part of my job I hated the most other than cleaning up the men's room. Everyone had left as I waited behind for Hannah at the concession stand to appear back from the box office as Mr Brady had trusted her to lock up tonight, said he wanted to give everyone more responsibility in here, I'm glad he didn't ask me to lockup as I probably would have lost the keys or something._

 _Hannah appeared back from the box office and placed the intakes tonight in Mr Brady's office and locked up the door, she closed the shutter doors on the inside before turning towards the concession stand, surprised by my presences here_

 _'Still here Helmet' she asked_

 _'Thought I'd wait for you Hannah….you know walk you home'_

 _'You're so sweet Helmet'_

 _She walked up to the concessions stand while I was still stood of the other side of the counter, Hannah rested her elbows down on the glass and rested her chin in her hands, I copied her as I knew she had something planned as our gaze were level with each other_

 _'So….I was thinking on our night together we could watch a movie' she suggested_

 _'I'd like that Hannah what time were you thinking for tomorrow'_

 _'How about now' Hannah proclaimed_

 _'Now' I stated, looking at the clock on the wall behind Hannah showing it past eleven already_

 _'We got the whole place to ourselves Helmet why not make the most of it'_

 _I was reluctant at first as it was already late to begin with and my parents would worry were I was but Hannah gave me her best puppy dog face and I found it difficult to say no to her._

 _'Ok but no zombies movies' I admitted_

 _'But zombie movies are my favourite, I've had a shitty day Helmet and that's the only thing that could put a smile on my face other than you'_

 _'You know I don't understand them what's there sole purpose from coming back from the dead, all they want to do is eat brain'_

 _We laughed lightly before Hannah gave me her puppy dog face yet again to which I relented too and nodded to her choice of genre, I felt like my skin had gone more pale in horror and we hadn't even started the movie yet_

 _'But I need to see your ticket first Madam' I joked_

 _'Ok Sir'_

 _Hannah showed me two tickets for Strictly Ballroom that we showed tonight at the Crestmont and placed my ticket in my waistcoat pocket_

 _'You sort out the projector for screen one and I'll get the snacks in' I informed her_

 _She went off to the projection room to sort out our zombie movie for the night which I was dreading; zombie movies scared the hibbie jibbies out of me even though I didn't like to admit it. I made two buckets of popcorn and large drinks and carried them into the room, I rushed back to the concession stand and grabbed a handful of candy boxes and put twenty dollars into the cash register. I got comfortable in my seat while I waited for Hannah to join me in the room_

 _'For a second I started to think you might have actually got eaten by a zombie up there' I chuckled_

 _She rolled her eyes and laughed loudly while taking hold of her popcorn bucket in her lap as the lights in the room started to dim_

 _'What movie are we watching? I asked_

 _'Dawn of the Dead the older version' she smiled widely_

 _'Is it scary Hannah?'_

 _'It's not that scary' she admitted which calmed my nerves down a little. 'To me that is'_

 _'Oh god then it is then' I cried out loud, the bucket in my hand shaking loudly showing Hannah how scared I was_

 _'If you get scared during the movie Helmet you can hold my hand if you like'_

 _'Thanks'_

 _'There's nothing to be ashamed of Clay if you are scared, I wouldn't think any less of you if you were. Your my friend remember and we can change it to something else if you like'_

 _'No Hannah I'll be fine' I assured her, I wanted her to enjoy her movie tonight that would cheer her up_

 _Taking Hannah's hand in mine she intertwined our fingers together as the opening credits to the movie played, Hannah rested her head on my shoulders as we ate our popcorn, got a sugar rush from all that candy we ate and watched the movie….._

 _I was white as a ghost and shaking like a leaf in a windy thunderstorm when the movie ended, Hannah was a true friend and kept to her word that I could hold her hand which I did during the whole movie and she hadn't let go of me not once, is was only then I realised how special this girl was to me in my life, someone I could lean on when I needed someone and she would hold me up with her beautiful inner strength she had in her but she never saw in herself, I wanted to show her that someday_

 _Unlocking my bike from the rack I walked Hannah back safety to her house, she linked her arm through mine as we went through the quiet neighbourhood, the sky was clear tonight while the stars shined on through and the moon lit up the sky_

 _'It's a beautiful tonight aint it Helmet, the whole starry sky'_

 _'It sure is Hannah' I smiled, mapping out a few constellations I saw in the sky_

 _'I'd love to go star gazing but I would need a tutor telling what's what in the sky' she laughed, moving closer to my side_

 _An idea flew into my head and I couldn't stop the humongous smile that form on my face but I would need some help setting my plan up, we reached the front of her house and Hannah unlinked her arm from me_

 _'I'm so glad we got to hang out tonight on our night' she sighed happily, seeing a sparkle in her eyes_

 _'So am I'_

 _'Would you like to watch another movie with me tomorrow afternoon Helmet, a Crestmont classic to be exact'_

 _'Which is?' I questioned, raising a brow_

 _'Strictly Ballroom' Hannah admitted_

 _I laughed light which caused Hannah to smile, I loved when she smiles it make the world a less of a shitty place. 'Text me what time and I'll pick you up on my sweet ride'_

 _'Ok Helmet' she replied, hugging me tightly before waving me goodnight_

 _I got onto my bike and rode off home into the night, thinking about my second movie date with Hannah at the Crestmont tomorrow, I couldn't wait to spend more time with my new best friend….._

* * *

I kept on looking at the printing on the ticket of the movie we didn't watch that night but the next, this ticket will always be a constant reminder of how close me and Hannah were to each other, the night we became best friends for life to each other for only for Hannah to end her life the following year

'Now I get why movie tickets are so important to you Clay' Justin sighed heavily. 'I'm gonna start a collection of my own'

'We can start your collection tomorrow if you like' I suggested

'I'd like that thanks Clay' he replied, leaving the room to go downstairs to get something

I placed the movie ticket back safely inside the memory box of Hannah and walked over to my bed, placing the box down on my bed I loosely kept my hand on it, keeping my eyes closed I thought about how close I was too Hannah and the happier memories flooded my mind the time we spent together, giving me the rest I needed in days to fall peacefully asleep tonight….


	4. The heart shaped rock

After much pleading during the week from Justin I relented and gave in on what he wanted us to do for the next brotherly bonding time together, secretly I was glad that he wanted to do something that I love to do in my spare time, go star gazing in the back garden. The astronomy nerd in me was so happy that I got to share this part of my life with him

I brought some of my astronomy stuff down from my bedroom and laid them out on the garden floor, setting up a telescope and an image capture to print out any good star constellations we might see tonight in the clear sky. Justin moved the telescope slowly left to right taking in the natural beauty of the stars in the sky

'This is fucking amazing Clay, why haven't we done this before' he exclaimed excitedly

'Do you even know what you're looking at Justin in the sky'? I questioned

'That doesn't even matter to me …..It's so breathe taking isn't it looking up at the stars'

'It is Justin you can lose track of time looking up at the stars'

'Can we do this again some other time I've really enjoyed myself tonight, honestly I have'

'Yeah' I exclaimed excitedly. 'I can show you another spot where I've been before, breath taking views of the night sky there'

'Awesome' he sighed happily

Justin looked back down into the telescope to stare at the stars in the night sky closely, my gaze landed on the memory box that sat on a table, mum and dad had asked what was kept inside the box that I carry with me around the house most of the time

'Did you ever take Hannah star gazing?' Justin asked

I snapped out of my train of thoughts and turned towards Justin who was looking directly at the box as well. 'Yeah it was one of the best nights of my life'

I sniffled lightly at the thought of that night replayed in my mind before I turned back to the telescope, I pressed my eye down into the eyepiece of the telescope and searched the night sky for the Corona Borealis than for a specific star, I found the one I was looking for and felt a few tears sneak free and trickle down my cheeks as I looked at the star…..

I could feel Justin sitting down next to me on the blanket as I looked up from the eyepiece to him, he handed me a bottle of root beer and the memory box, I thanked him for bringing me the box as I wiped the tears away with the sleeves of my hoodie

'You ok Clay' he asked

'I am now' I informed him, lifting the box and holding it close to me

'Why were you crying?'

'I wasn't…..'

Justin shot me a dirty look knowing I would try to fob him off with any excuse I could come up quickly with, I felt terrible as I had promised him before I wasn't going to be closed book anymore and open up to him. I handed Justin the memory box as I didn't want to cover it in my tears while I took a swig of my cold drink

'I want you to look for something in there' I instructed

'Ok what is it I'm looking for?'

'Look for a rock. It's the only rock in there'

Justin found what I asked in a matter of seconds and held it close in his hands as he placed the memory box down in the middle of us, he observed the rock closely and how it was shaped so smoothly on one side of a curve before it hard brittle side of the other down the middle in a straight line

'What shape is this supposed to be anyway Clay?' he proclaimed

'It was once a heart shaped rock'

'Did Hannah have the other half of this'

'Yeah she did'

Justin looked more observatory at the rock again in his hands as he traced the outline of what the other half of the rock looked like before handing the half heart shaped rock to me, my thumb rubbed gently on the side of the rock as I drew up the courage to tell him the next part of the story behind this rock, hoping tears wouldn't flow down my cheeks when I do….

* * *

 _I was glad Hannah wanted to meet up with me tonight after what I said to her at lunch today, I tried to say something complimentary to her to forget about the hot list after it was spread around Liberty High but it came out all wrong in typical Clay Jensen fashion and I ended up hurting her feelings instead_

 _I apologised to her multiple times for the rest of the day when I saw Hannah in the halls and at the end of classes we shared together, at the end of school and grabbing her books from her locker she finally saw how sincere and apologetic I was after my comments at lunch and forgave me for it…_

 _As I continued to text Hannah constantly for most of the evening, promising I would be long and I'd be hers for the whole night when I was done here, I had let her know I was giving Jeff Adkins another tutoring lessons at his home as we sat at his dining room table, text books and notepads shattered everywhere on the table, Jeff finally finished his paper and handed it for me to proof read…._

 _'_ _This is really good Jeff. Sentence structure is getting better and grammar has improved a lot thanks to the thesauruses'_

 _'_ _Thanks buddy I wouldn't be able to have done it without you'_

 _'_ _You did this all by yourself Jeff I just helped a little'_

 _'_ _Don't be so modest Jensen we both know I would have failed this assignment if you didn't help me'_

 _'_ _True'_

 _We sniggered lightly as Jeff returned to the dining table with two cans of cola, he handed me one and I opened the can when my phone buzzed on the table again, my smile grew enormously as I set the can down and picked up my phone, I caught Jeff staring at me from the corner of my eye wondering who I was getting excited about texting me_

 _'_ _Who's that your texting, is it a girl_ _Jensen'_

 _'_ _What makes you think I'm texting a girl, it could be a guy for all you know? It could be Tony'_

 _'_ _Trust me I know it's a girl, your face lights up when you get a text and you're getting all giddy over it, that only happens when it's from someone you like' he admitted, smiling widely. 'I think I might know who it is'_

 _'_ _Oh shut up Jeff carry on with your paper' I stated, rolling my eyes_

 _'_ _So who is it?'_

 _I wasn't sure if I should tell Jeff who it was but then again I didn't have anything to hide, it wasn't like me and Hannah were dating or anything and wanted to keep it a secret, I would never do that to her if we were. We were just two good friends who hang out together when we can. 'Hannah Baker'_

 _'_ _Well what did she say?' he enquired, raising a brow_

 _'_ _Asking if we're nearly done yet so we can hang out together on our tonight'_

 _'_ _On our night? So it's a date then'_

 _'_ _I wouldn't say it was date, more like two friends who happen to be a boy and a girl hanging out together'_

 _'_ _So what are you guys doing tonight then?'_

 _'_ _It's a surprise I can't really say' I smirked_

 _'_ _What you can tell me we're like brothers Clay'_

 _'_ _Nope just in case you tell her by accident Jeff. I want it to be a surprise for her' I admitted, thinking happily of our planned night I'd set up for us. 'Jeff can I ask you for a favour'_

 _'_ _Sure Jensen what is it' he asked nonchalantly_

 _'_ _Can I….can we borrow your parent's Jeep tonight please'_

 _'_ _Yeah that's fine Clay' he proclaimed, smiling wickedly. 'But on one condition'_

 _'_ _Which is?'_

 _'_ _You tell me what you're doing tonight with Hannah or no Jeep then' he grinned_

 _I groaned loudly to which Jeff chuckled at my despair to tell him or not, I needed some sort of transport tonight for my plan with Hannah. I gave in as I needed the keys to his parents Jeep so we can take our time tonight_

 _'_ _I'm taking Hannah star gazing tonight, she doesn't know that I am yet that's her big surprise'_

 _'_ _I think it's kind of romantic, two people watching the stars together'_

 _'_ _It's not a romantic date Jeff it's….' I groaned loudly as he chuckled at my despair again, he's words got into my head as I tried not to think of this as a romantic date. I didn't want Hannah to get the wrong impression of me not that I didn't want to date her. 'Damn you Jeff'_

 _'_ _Whatever Jensen'_

 _I couldn't hide the grin on my face as I saw Jeff blushed lightly at my planned night, we finished up Jeff's history assignment and headed down to his basement to play pool till Hannah arrived at his home an hour later…_

 _'_ _Hey Hannah' Jeff welcomed as she walked into his home_

 _'_ _Hi Jeff' she greeted warmly, seeing the huge smile on his face as he couldn't play it cool. 'Why are you smiling?'_

 _'_ _No reason Hannah'_

 _I appeared out of the living room with my hand grasped around a large duffel bag and I placed it down in the hall, my gaze landed on Hannah and Jeff and she spotted me in the corner of her eye and leaped forward to me_

 _'_ _Hey Clay' she shrieked loudly_

 _'_ _Hey Hannah'_

 _I caught Hannah in my arms from her tight embrace as I stumbled back a step, hoping that we didn't fall down to the ground, I wrapped my arms around her waist tightly and held her close to me as she buried the side of her cheek against my chest_

 _'_ _So are you gonna tell me what we're doing tonight Helmet' she asked, looking up at me_

 _'_ _Nope it's a surprise Hannah'_

 _Hannah looked towards Jeff who couldn't hide the smirk on his face any longer, I could tell she was growing suspicious as she moved out of our embrace and looked between us, giving each other knowing looks_

 _'_ _You know don't you Jeff what we're doing tonight' she exclaimed excitedly. 'Tell me please'_

 _'_ _I can't Hannah I made a deal with Jensen'_

 _'_ _I think its best we get going now Hannah' I interjected quickly_

 _I grabbed hold of the duffel bag from the floor with my left hand while holding out the other for Hannah to take; she put her hand in mine and intertwined our fingers together as we stepped out of Jeff's house and down to the Jeep. Jeff fished out his keys to the car from his pocket and threw it towards Hannah_

 _'_ _Take care of my boy tonight Hannah' he proclaimed, looking towards us_

 _'_ _I will Jeff you don't have to worry about that' she assured_

 _'_ _I meant that car but Clay as well' he joked_

 _I huffed lightly as they both chuckled but I couldn't help but laugh with them, hearing Hannah's laugh caused the smile on my face to grow, we climbed into the Jeep and backed out of the driveway as Jeff came up to us_

 _'_ _My parents aint going to be back till tomorrow night so you can have the Jeep for the night or your more than welcome to come back and crash here if you like for the night'_

 _'_ _Thanks Jeff' we both said in unison_

 _I typed in the zip code into the sat nav, not giving Hannah any details about where we were heading tonight as we left the town and hit the open roads to the countryside…_

 _After half an hour into our drive we entered into the next town and came to a quiet open field near the countryside, I remember this spot well as I used to come here as a children with my dad to watch the stars. Now this place has become a hot spot for amateur astronomers but thankfully we had the field to ourselves tonight_

 _I laid a blanket down on the freshly cut grass and set up my telescope to the sky, ready and waiting for sunset to end and the dark sky to loom over soon, Hannah and I gathered up some rocks and fire wood to keep us warm for the night. Hannah picked up a rock and inspected it carefully at the shape of it_

 _'_ _What you got there Hannah' I enquired as she stopped walking_

 _'_ _Look at the shape of this Helmet'_

 _She came closer to me and showed what was in her hand, the rock was naturally smooth all over like nature had intended it to be, I took hold of the rock in my hand and felt the weight behind it_

 _'_ _I've never seen a heart shaped rock before' she smiled_

 _'_ _Keep it Hannah something to remember the night by' I sighed gently_

 _Hannah took hold of one of the heart's lob on the rock and pulled gently on it, the rock split perfectly in half down the middle as we held a piece each_

 _'_ _You just broke my heart Helmet' she gasped_

 _'_ _I'm sorry I didn't mean too'_

 _'_ _It's ok at least we both now have something to remember the night by' she assured_

 _She smiled widely as we both placed one lob of the rock in our pockets and walked back to the Jeep to set up the camp fire, the sky grew into a more dark inky night and the stars shined on through to brighten our world, the camp fire roared nicely keeping us warm as Hannah curled up to my side looking down in the telescope while I pointed out the Corona Borealis and it's seven stars_

 _'_ _It so doesn't look like a crown' she groaned_

 _'_ _Course it does Hannah you're not seeing it right' I exclaimed. 'Connect the seven stars and a crown is there'_

 _'_ _It looks like half a squiggly line to me' she sighed deeply. 'I don't get how people see shapes in the sky; they can see whatever they want to see Helmet'_

 _'_ _Well what do you see in the sky Hannah'_

 _'_ _I see…I see a whole bunch of other stars, the cookie monster_ _and_

 _'_ _You're ridicules' I chuckled_

 _'_ _And you're adorable Helmet'_

 _'_ _There's that word again' I whispered happily_

 _We both looked into each other's eyes and were completely lost in this moment with one another, my gaze travelled down to her lips before back up again as Hannah did the same, I wanted nothing but to kiss her and tell Hannah I was falling in love with her but the words died on the tip of my tongue. I couldn't speak; nothing came out of my mouth as I was too afraid to tell her in case she didn't feel the same about me back, mistaking my gestures of friendship as nothing more than as platonic between us_

 _'_ _I think I can see the crown now Helmet' she says, looking at the starry sky_

 _'_ _Told you you'd get it' I replied, looking at Hannah once more before I stared up at the Borealis_

 _'_ _I've seen another star tonight that I know of' she informed me_

 _'_ _Oh yeah which one is it' I questioned_

 _'_ _That twinkle in your eye Helmet' she admitted, cupping my cheek with her hand and pulling me closer. 'You really love astronomy and talking about stars and planets don't you'_

 _I nodded my head and I could feel my cheeks started to blush to rosy pink talking about the stars with the girl that I love, I'm grateful it was dark and Hannah couldn't see me blush uncontrollably but I knew she could feel it when she touched my cheek_

 _'_ _You really are my Astronomy Boy'_

 _'_ _I think I prefer Helmet more'_

 _'_ _Like I said I think they both work well together Astronomy Boy'_

 _I chuckled lightly and Hannah's smile grew wider at the sound of my laughter before we were lost again in each other's eyes, finding it hard to pull away and stare back up at the stars when we eventually did…._

 _I could feel Hannah's_ _body shiver against mine as the fire was starting to frazzle out and I throw on the last bits of firewood we had left to keep it going, I got up and walked over to the Jeep to grab a few things out from the trunk_

 _'_ _Where are you going Astronomy Boy?'_

 _'_ _Back in a minute Hannah'_

 _I throw on my hoodie and slipped it over my head while I picked up a blanket and a packet of marshmallows, opening up the blanket I draped it over Hannah's shoulders as she snuggled herself in it, I opened up the packet and stuck a marshmallow on a stick and placed it over the fire, once done I give it to Hannah_

 _'_ _Oh my god, you're the best Helmet' she exclaimed_

 _'_ _Well I try'_

 _We feasted on toasted marshmallows on the campfire that melted perfectly in our mouths when we chewed on the gooey treats, this moment just us being together alone was perfect, I was content with myself and the world I knew she must have felt it too…_

 _After toasting the last marshmallow to a crisp brown I gave it to Hannah which she ripped in half and feeds it to me, she sighed gently before eating the other half, Hannah threw out her arm and draped some of the blanket over me as well to keep warm while shifting closer to me, accidently knocking over my telescope to the ground in the process that hit the ground with a loud crack_

 _'_ _I'm so sorry Helmet I didn't mean to knoc…..' Hannah panted worryingly_

 _'_ _I know its ok' I assured her, placing my hand on top of her's_

 _I picked up my telescope from the ground and cradled it in my lap, carefully examining from top to bottom for anything broken and thankfully it wasn't_

 _'_ _If I've broken it Clay I'll pay for a new one' she proclaimed concernedly_

 _'_ _The telescope is fine it just one of the tripod legs that's broken that's all'_

 _'_ _I'll buy you a need one tomorrow Helmet I promise'_

 _'_ _Its fine Hannah honestly it is, I've got a new one at home this one was getting old anyway'_

 _I smiled reassuring to Hannah who still had a concerned worry on her face, I wrapped my arm around Hannah's shoulders and pulled her closer to me while gently rubbing my hand up and down her arm, she smiled weakly at me and I could tell she was still sorry for what happened, I knew I had to take her mind off it_

 _'_ _You still fancy looking at the stars Hannah'_

 _'_ _I don't think so Clay' she replied, bowing her head_

 _'_ _It works fine Hannah and I know you're sorry, don't be accidents happen' I admitted, drawing her closer to me with my arm. 'You may find something fascinating up there'_

 _'_ _Ok Helmet' she smiled weakly_

 _Hannah looked down into the telescope and moved it left to right very slowly; turning dials and nobs to zoom in and out, taking in all the natural beauty and mystery that is outer space, she stopped abruptly and looked up at me_

 _'_ _Helmet what's this star' she asked_

 _I looked down into the telescope has Hannah moved away so I could see what she saw in the sky, I've never seen this star in my life at all as I noted down the coordinates on my phone, Hannah had perused her lips and raised a brow, wanting for an answer to her question_

 _'_ _I think you've discovered a new star Hannah' I admitted excitedly_

 _'_ _No way Helmet' she gasped, clinging onto me_

 _'_ _Yeap'_

 _'_ _You serious Clay' she enquired. 'You're not pulling my leg are you?'_

 _'_ _I'm serious Hannah I've not seen that star in my life' I admitted, looking at the star again. 'I'll give NASA the coordinates tomorrow and they'll mostly likely confirm it'_

 _'_ _Oh my god' she exclaimed excitedly, jumping about next to me_

 _'_ _So what are you gonna call your star then'_

 _'_ _I don't know Helmet but I want you to have some of the credit as well or I wouldn't have found it' she admitted. 'Maybe call it Hannah and Clay star'_

 _'_ _Why not Clay and Hannah star' I protested, pouting my lips which felt weird to me when I did it_

 _She smirked and laughed at my suggestion before shaking no to both of them, I wouldn't have minded if she wanted to name it after herself but she insisted I help find a name for it together…_

 _It was getting late in the night and we decided to spend the night here in this field rather than drive back to Jeff's house to crash there in the middle of the night. I pulled down the back seats and laid down a blanket on the cold backs of the seats, using our hoodie and jacket as makeshift pillows Hannah and I climbed into our temporary bed for the night, we could still see the stars in the sky from the sun roof of the Jeep, after a while we turned to face each other but kept our distance from one another_

 _'_ _My heart is still lonely and broken Helmet' she whispered_

 _I was about to drift off to sleep when she said that, my eyes flew open immediately and I turned over to face her. I didn't understand what she meant by that. 'What'_

 _'_ _My heart' she stated, motioning to her half of the broken heart shaped rock that rested above our heads_

 _'_ _I can fix that'_

 _I giggled lightly and reached around inside my pocket for my half of the rock and slid it next to hers, gently pushing them together to become whole again. Hannah shifted closer to me in the truck of the car and placed her head on my chest, I didn't know why I didn't tell her to move away or why I felt comfortable like this but I guess it was better for her to sleep on me than on her jacket_

 _'_ _I think I've decided what I want to name my star Helmet' she informed me_

 _'_ _Which is?'_

 _'_ _Clannah' Hannah admitted_

 _'_ _Clannah?'_

 _'_ _It's both of our names mashed together like a ship' she explained. 'People will remember us forever Helmet and our story when they see our little Clannah star'_

 _'_ _Our Clannah star' I whispered sleepily_

 _'_ _Do you like the name Helmet?'_

 _'_ _I think I love it Hannah' I smiled_

 _I could feel Hannah's smile widen on my chest as I looked down at her, our gaze collided with one another before looking up out of the sun roof towards our little Clannah star, she snuggled deeply into my chest as I wrapped an arm around her before we drifted off asleep under the stars…._

* * *

Justin was setting up the telescope in our bedroom as I showed him the conformation letter and certificate from NASA about our Clannah star being discovered that night a couple of years ago. I sat down on my bed holding onto my half of the rock shaped heart, that night was up there as one of the best days of my life I spend with Hannah. I wish I could spend another night with Hannah stargazing again; I'd give anything for that to happen absolutely anything

'At least Hannah was right about what she said' Justin interjected, bring me out of my thoughts

'Which is' I asked

'People will remember you guys when they see your star in the sky. Fortunately for people like me who know you both will know you two shared something special together and that will always be remembered by your star'

I nodded my head and got up from my bed and walked over to Justin and the telescope, he moved aside as I bent down and looked into it, scanning the stars till I found our star shining brightly in the night sky, it was the first time in years I saw our star shine so brightly as a tear sneaked free and rolled down my cheek.

I now know why people associate a story with the star, so that story can live on forever down the generations when they are gone, sighing deeply I looked at our star and smiled weakly thinking about that night with Hannah and our star. Our little Clannah star…..


	5. The zombie doll

All around the neighbourhood the front porches of houses were littered with pumpkins and ghostly figures to try and scared the little ones, trick or treat ended half hour ago as the streets were less busy now but you could still hear children's muffled voices behinds their masks as half eaten candy and wrappers lay everywhere on the floor that stuck onto your shoe if you were to step on it.

I parked up my Prius outside my house and pulled out two grocery bags from the trunk, the bags were filled to the top with Gatorade and Mountain Dew, a few bags of tortilla chips and salsa, a couple of boxes of mine and Justin's favourite candy as we planned a movie marathon tonight instead of going to one of the party's that one of the jocks were throwing for halloween

I'd assured Justin I would be alright if he wanted to go to the party with Jessica tonight but he insisted he'd rather stay by my side and make it up to Jessica another night, I brought the bags through into my home and rushed upstairs to my shared bedroom where Justin was probably sat waiting for me. I entered the quiet room where Justin was laid on his bed and searching through Netflix on the Xbox controller

'You finally back then, did you get everything' Justin asked

'Yeah I even got your favourite Gatorade'

I reached into the bag and throw Justin his Cool Blue flavoured drink which he caught one handed, ripping open my pack of Mountain Dew I opened up the bottle and cracked open my box of Mikes & Ikes

'Did you find anything you like to watch?' I enquired

'Not really but there's a few good zombie movies on here'

'I hate zombie movies'

Justin chuckled lightly while ripping open his pack of tortilla chips and salsa as I did the same on my bed, we settled on a few movies we'd seen before and started Zombieland on the streaming service, quieting down when the opening credits started to roll on screen…

Halfway eaten through our snacks we decided to put on a real scary movie and I placed my Child's Play dvd into the dvd machine, we settled back down to watch a true horror classic that would give us both nightmares. Just before the credits started my gaze landed on the memory box and thought about one of the content inside, I wonder if Justin remembered ever seeing it at all or if he'll bring it up during the movie…...

After the movie had ended we decided to call it a night knowing damn well if we watched another movie we wouldn't be sleeping tonight for sure, I brought my memory box of Hannah to my bed and cradled it close to me, slipping off the lid I looked down at what reminded me of the movie we had just watched, Justin re-entered the room and slumped down on his bed, turning over to face me while his gaze landed on the box

'Thinking of Hannah' he asked sympathetically

'Yeah' I whispered, tears glazing my eyes

'About'

I knew Justin was trying for me to open up to him as I gone cold on him for the last couple of weeks about not telling what's next in the box. I took a deep breath before regaining the courage to speak again without tears falling down my cheek. 'She would have loved tonight Justin, movie marathon with snacks on hand that was all her you know. She loved to do that with me, I just wish….we could do that again just me and Hannah'

'What kind of movies did you guys watched together?'

'We watched all kinds of movie and genres from the latest thing out to something retro from the seventies or eighties' I admitted, thinking about those nights together at each other homes, cuddled up on the bed with snacks on hand. 'We even went to a drive-in theater together'

'Those things still exist' he questioned, raising a brow

'Only a few remain in the entire country, there's one in the next town Red Hawk that opens every halloween'

'That sounds awesome that does, might have to take Jess there next year'

'She'll love it there'

I sighed deeply and thought about everything I did that night with Hannah, the small smile on my face faded as I reached down and grabbed hold of something from that night, I held the zombie doll in my hand while stroking threw its hair with my thumb

'What's the story behind that thing?'

'Stitches'

'You have a name for it' Justin retorted

'Urgh' I retorted as I throw some Mike & Ikes at Justin's head which he caught in his mouth. 'Me and Hannah named him together, it suits him'

As I looked back down at the zombie doll in my hands that whole night flashed inside my mind, taking a swig from my Mountain Dew I built up the strength to tell Justin about that night…..

* * *

 _Hannah had texted me to come over to her house tonight as she planned our night together but she hadn't let slip all day what we're doing tonight for halloween which drove me insane thinking of the possible activities she could have planned to scare me shitless._

 _The closer I got to Hannah's house kids would past me on the sidewalk in a hurry to get home with their parents in tow to eat their candy from trick or treating, I stopped outside her fence and could see Hannah standing by her bedroom window but she hadn't noticed me yet, she looked exhausted and our eyes met one another's, she smiled weakly and left her bedroom as I made my way up to her front porch, the front door flew open and she enveloped me in a tight hug, I dropped my arms to waist and held her close to me_

 _'_ _Hey you' she greeted_

 _'_ _Hey Hannah'_

 _'_ _I'm so glad you're finally here'_

 _'_ _Ugh why'_

 _'_ _I…I missed you'_

 _'_ _You last saw me a few hours ago at the Crestmont Hannah and I walked you home so I haven't been gone that long' I exclaimed_

 _'_ _Still missed you tho Helmet' she smiled_

 _Hannah returned inside her home to retrieve her denim jacket and slipped it on as we walked across the road to her family's suv parked on the other side; we climbed inside the car and pulled out onto the road_

 _'_ _So where are going Hannah'_

 _'_ _It's a surprise Helmet'_

 _'_ _Is it a good surprise as in going somewhere special or a bad surprise in seeing another zombie movie?' I asked, raising a brow_

 _She glanced over to me and smirked wickedly, every second that pasted by I started to believe she had planned for us to see another dreaded zombie movie. 'Welllll'_

 _'_ _Hannah!' I screamed loudly_

 _She laughed lightly before smacking my arm playfully. 'Only joking about seeing a zombie movie but what I have planned doesn't start for a couple of hours yet so I hope you like it'_

 _'_ _I will' I assured her, taking a hold of her hand giving it an assuring squeeze. 'So what are going to do till then?'_

 _'_ _Let's just drive Helmet and enjoy the night sky we might even see our star tonight'_

 _I smiled happily at the thought of seeing our star tonight but the clouds had started to roll in. 'And your parents don't mind you taking the suv for the whole night'_

 _'_ _I told them I was staying down a friend's house tonight and I needed the car, they said it was fine'_

 _I nodded my head and held out my hand to Hannah which she took and held our joined hands in her lap; we didn't have a plan on where we were going so we went for a slow drive around the town. Hannah got bored of driving around the town twenty minutes later and pulled up at our local Walmart, she linked her arm through mine as we entered the huge store and aimlessly walked around the aisle….._

 _We surfed through the isle not really looking at anything appetising to eat or drink but we couldn't help but not keep away from the toy section and found some lightsabers on the shelf, I threw Hannah Darth Vader's lightsaber while I picked up Luke's, we both pulled back on the release trigger and drew up our hands and had a small battle_

 _We got discouraging looks from other shoppers but we didn't care what they thought of us as we continued on, it was hard fighting against Hannah as she knew most of the moves from the movies even when she told she hadn't seen them before, she was a good lair as I went down on my knees begging for mercy, Hannah quickly lifted her lightsaber and smacked my right hand while I pulled up arm into my sleeve of the jacket_

 _'_ _NOOOOOO NOT MY HAND' I screamed loudly_

 _Everyone in the isle looked over to us in a panic state that something bad had happened to us, I felt the embarrassment wash over me at my loud scream and mouthed sorry to everyone my eyes met, Hannah moved a few strands of her hair back behind her ear as she helped me up before stabbing me in the heart with the lightsaber_

 _'_ _WHY HANNAH'_

 _She chuckled lightly before I slumped onto her as if I had just really died, Hannah steadied me as she wrapped her arms arounds my chest, we both pulled away and put the lightsabers back on the shelf_

 _'_ _You didn't tell me you were a Jedi master' I proclaimed_

 _'_ _Though I'd surprise you Han Solo'_

 _Hannah linked her arm through mine again as we walked down to the end of the isle to the plush toys section and I jolted to halt to see Hannah had stopped walking. I saw what she was looking at and picked up a plush toy, her eyes lit up lovingly and turned to face me with excitement. The plush toy was a green zombie teenager with gigantic eyes and cuts all over his face; he was dressed exactly the same way I do with my converses and long t-shirt_

 _'_ _Isn't he so cute Helmet?'_

 _'_ _He's freaky looking Hannah'_

 _'_ _Hey! You're gonna hurt his feelings'_

 _'_ _He! It's inanimate object Hannah' I exclaimed. 'He can't hear us and this aint Child's Play were he'll come to life and try and kill me'_

 _'_ _Whatever Helmet' she scoffed and rolled her eyes. 'I'm gonna buy him for you since you love zombies so much'_

 _'_ _Oh yeah! And what am I gonna name him and let alone do with him'_

 _'_ _You could call him…Stitches, after amount of times you've need a band aid and he's like a cuter and smaller adorable version of you. You are practically twins'_

 _I chuckled as she handed me my zombie version twin of me, I had to admit he did look adorable and the similarities were there also, she pointed to the t-shirt that had a picture of a brain on it and laughed_

 _'_ _Now you won't forget what he's favourite food is either'_

 _'_ _That what zombies always ever want to do, just eat brains Hannah' I grinned. 'Stitches is gonna get lonely on his own I think he needs a girlfriend Hannah'_

 _'_ _Ok let's find him one' she exclaimed happily_

 _We scoured the shelves for a suitable zombie girlfriend for Stitches amongst the other zombie plush toys till we found the right one, after much searching and deliberation of the vast dolls I pulled one of the selves and showed Hannah, her head bobbed excitedly. The doll was blue and also had cuts to her face as well as Stitches, she wore a skirt and crop top like most teenagers do_

 _'_ _I think that's the one for Stitches she's perfect' Hannah admitted_

 _'_ _She kinda looks like a mutated Harley Quinn'_

 _'_ _That's what we will name her' she smiled. 'Harley'_

 _'_ _Stitches and Harley are match made in zombie hell' I exclaimed_

 _'_ _They were so made for each other' she smiled happily at the doll_

 _I looked down at the doll in hands and smiled widely before looking back at Hannah who blushed to a rosy pink, I extended out my arm to her and she linked her arm through as we walked down to the checkout. I couldn't help but think were me and Hannah made for each other, I certainly hoped so…_

 _I didn't know where we were going yet as Hannah still decided to keep it a secret from me but the aroma from the Kfc buckets we picked up started to fill the car up as my stomach growled loudly, Hannah chuckled from the noise that radiated from me_

 _'_ _We're nearly there Helmet'_

 _My eyes widen as Hannah pulled into an old fashion drive-in theater that was still operating and started to fill up fast as there were a few car spaces left in the small car park, Hannah revered her car into our spot so we could watch the movie from the rear of the car when we put the seats down_

 _'_ _How do you about this place Hannah'_

 _'_ _I came here a few years ago with parents and found out they open the drive-in every halloween in Red Hawk which is awesome I think' she informed me_

 _'_ _It's pretty cool this place Hannah I never thought I'd get to experience something like this ever'_

 _'_ _Well I'm glad you get to experience this with me' she smiled warmly_

 _After getting the back of the car sorted we climbed in and pulled a blanket around us to keep us warm from the old night outside, we placed our zombie dolls Stitches and Harley between us and grabbed our Kfc buckets, tucking into our late dinner for the night as we ate finger licking good chicken and krushems while the opening credits started to play on the big screen and loud cheers began to simmer down_

 _'_ _OMG I haven't seen this movie in forever' I exclaimed_

 _'_ _I know it's not the scariest movie but I love this film so much'_

 _'_ _So do I'_

 _I turned to face Hannah and grinned as she shifted closer to me in the car as the Liberian on the screen screamed loudly and the title of the film appeared on screen, the catchphrase of the film's song called out and everyone around in their cars screamed the answer to the top of there voices_

 _'_ _Ghostbusters' we screamed to each other_

 _We laughed lightly at how loud we both screamed at each other's faces, I looked down at Hannah who wrapped her arm around mine and snuggled into me as we drank our krushems_

 _'_ _Tonight is just perfect Hannah' I sighed happily_

 _I felt her nodded her head on my arm while I stole a quick glance at the time on my watch, Hannah noticed and chuckled while throwing a blanket over us._

 _'_ _What's so funny?'_

 _'_ _We aint going anywhere anytime soon Helmet, it's a double movie marathon tonight'_

 _'_ _I wasn't planning on going anywhere Hannah, not ever'_

 _She smiled warmly and leaned further into me as I kept my arm around reassuringly; we turned our attention back to the movie on the screen as the parapsychologists were kicked out of Columbia University…._

 _During the ending of the sequel Hannah's eyes started to drift asleep, Hannah told she was still awake when she kept her eyes shut and was still listening to the movie but she was asleep now when it ended. She looked so peaceful when she slept as I saw the bags under her eyes like she hadn't slept in days._

 _I lifted Hannah up and carefully placed her in the passenger seat, climbing into the driver's seat of the car I pulled the seatbelt over Hannah and clipped her in, I drove to the nearest motel I could find on the safer part of town in Red Hawk…..._

 _After getting our room sorted for the night I carried Hannah bridal style in my arms to our shared bedroom for the night, carefully removing her denim jacket and black boots to make Hannah comfortable and I placed them on the chair near by the window. I draped the duvet over her and then sat on top of the duvet on the other side of the bed, flicking through the channels I decided to watch Family Guy since there was nothing decent to watch at this hour of the night._

 _An hour later a sleepy Hannah rolled over in bed and woke up from her nap, she was puzzled and tried to work out where she was and how she got there in the first place, I scooched down in the bed and lay on my side to face her_

 _'_ _Hey Hannah' I whispered softly_

 _'_ _Where are you we Clay'_

 _'_ _I've booked us in into a motel room for the night' I informed her. 'You fell asleep during the movie, remember'_

 _'_ _Yeah I remember' she sighed gently, snuggling into the duvet_

 _'_ _Why were you so tired Han, normally I'm the one to text you goodnight first'_

 _'_ _I didn't mean to fall asleep it's just….' She exclaimed, rolling her eyes. 'Never mind Helmet'_

 _'_ _You can tell me Hannah'_

 _'_ _I've haven't been sleeping much recently' she started, taking a deep breathe before composing herself. 'I think someone maybe taking…..'_

 _I could tell she was afraid to tell me and how I might react, like I would take her secrets and spread it around the whole of Liberty High and embarrass her. I would never do that to Hannah I only wanted to her help her and keep her safe. I placed my hand on top of her and reassuringly stroked my thumb over knuckles, that she could tell me and doesn't have to be afraid_

 _'_ _Taking pictures of me at my house, I can hear a camera clicking outside my bedroom window'_

 _'_ _Have you told your parents Han or even the police yet'_

 _'_ _I can't tell them Clay I don't want to worry them even more' she admitted tearfully. 'Promise me you won't tell them or the police, promise me Helmet'_

 _'_ _I promise Hannah' I assured her_

 _'_ _I don't know how but I'm gonna set up a trap soon to catch this freaking pervert'_

 _'_ _If you want me to sleep over to keep you company at night I don't mind Hannah'_

 _'_ _Thank you Helmet but I couldn't ask you to do that for me' she smiled weakly, leaning over and kissing my cheek. 'I'll be fine I promise, I'll text you every night'_

 _'_ _Sure'_

 _I smiled weakly at Hannah as we looked into each other's eyes; our eyes were saying a hell of a lot more than our mouths did that needed to be said. We both lay peacefully in bed staring at each other as the tv filled the room with little background noise_

 ** _'_** ** _Shut up Meg' Peter Griffin shouted_**

 _We chuckled softly at each other before looking up at the tv screen as the end credits started to play, I turned off the tv and turned on the lamp on the nightstand to give us some light, for some reason we felt safer with the light on in the room instead being in pitch black in a town we'd never stayed before, I didn't feel tired or sleepy so I stretched out my arm and placed my hand on the back of my head as I stared up at the ceiling_

 _I closed my eyes and I could hear Hannah start to fall asleep besides me, my body finally started to relax in this uncomfortable bed when I heard her sighed loudly before turning over_

 _'_ _Helmet'_

 _'_ _Yeah'_

 _'_ _Do you think you could….' she began, clearing her throat. 'Cuddle with me tonight'_

 _'_ _Sure Hannah'_

 _I nodded my head and scooted closer to her on the bed, Hannah turned over and had her back to me as I slid in right beside her; there was still a small gap between our bodies as I breathed heavily and moved an arm around her waist. This felt weird to me as I never been this close to girl before yet it felt right like I was safe and at home with myself with Hannah, she placed her arm on top of mine and entwined our fingers and Hannah pulled me closer to her in our embrace as I held her tightly to me, she snuggled into my arm that was a top her and used it as a pillow, we both felt safe and secure with each other as I started to drift off to sleep_

 _'_ _Helmet' she whispered softly. 'Where's Stitches and Harley'_

 _'_ _There right here Han'_

 _Pulling my arm away from Hannah's head I reached behind me to the nightstand and brought our zombies to her, Hannah placed them under the duvet next to her and tucked them in_

 _'_ _We have to take care of them Helmet, they are our babies'_

 _'_ _Our babies?'_

 _'_ _Our little zombie babies we're parents now Helmet'_

 _'_ _You're getting way to attached to them Hannah' I groaned_

 _'_ _Shut up' she whined. 'Admit it you love them too'_

 _'_ _I do I do love our zombie babies'_

 _She chuckled lightly before snuggling back into my arm as I held her close, my luck reached new heights tonight with Hannah at how close we were, I tested my luck even further and reached over and softly pressed my lips against Hannah's forehead. She sighed contently while pulling our joined hands to her mouth and gently turned it over, kissing my palm before putting it back around her waist. She placed her heart in my hands and I would take care of her forever, things were definitely on the up for us…._

* * *

I finished off my Mountain Dew as I held Stitches closely in my hands; he did look an awful lot like me if there ever was to be zombie apocalypse. I chuckled to myself before placing Stitches back into the memory box

'So where's Harley now Clay' Justin asked

'I don't know maybe Ms Baker has her'

'Have you asked her?'

'It's not really my place to ask Ms Baker if she has seen a zombie doll in Hannah's belongings, maybe she might want to keep a hold of it' I admitted

Justin took a swig of his Gatorade before lying flat on his bed, I lay down also on my bed and looked up at the galaxy photo that was on my ceiling, I didn't know what constellation it was from but I bought it when I was little and thought it looked amazing

'You and Hannah spend a lot of time in bed together' Justin said coldly

I snapped up immediately off my bed and faced Justin, the blood in my body boiled red hot from his words, he probably meant nothing by it but it sent me over the edge as I rushed towards him, Justin put his hands on my shoulders and kept me back from him

'Clay what's wrong? What did I say?' he enquired

'Don't you ever say it like that again, like me and Hannah were fooling around together in bed' I sobbed loudly. 'I don't want you to ever think of her like that'

'I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to come out like that. Honestly I didn't Clay'

'You have no idea what was going on in our lives, you don't underst…..'

'Then tell me'

'The reason me and Hannah shared a bed together most nights because we were an only child in our families and felt lonely. Our parents were never around much and we just wanted to be held so we held each other most nights and comforted one another' I cried loudly

My body felt weak as it shuddered violently before it came to much for me to stand on my own two feet, I fell into Justin's arms as he held me tightly to him. I cried into Justin's shoulder as I thought of the nights me and Hannah shared together in bed and how close we'd become

'It's ok Clay we'll get through this' he assured. 'Together'

I nodded my head while Justin still held me close to him, my breathing became jagged while I started to calm down, I wasn't really mad at him really any more. Now that Hannah was gone I only wanted people to remember her in a good way….


	6. The disco ball

I was perched at my desk doing my creative writing assignment for Mrs Thomas on my laptop while Justin was doing his algebra paper on his bed for Mr Bates, he asked me to put the radio on, on my laptop as he didn't want to work in silence any longer.

It was hard to concentre and get my creative juices flowing with the radio choice of songs kept on distracting me every now and then, we had an Indie rock station on as Justin was keen to find out more about my music tastes as we worked on our papers….

'I just don't get this at all' Justin moaned loudly

'What's wrong Justin' I asked, swivelling around on my desk chair towards him

'I don't understand any of this' he sighed deeply. 'Who even uses this in the real world anyway?'

'Well do you want the real answer or a sympathy answer'

'Sympathy Jensen'

'Just think about it this way Justin you won't need it during basketball you'll need geometry instead'

I chuckled lightly while Justin groaned and shook his head at the joy I was having teasing him, I saw the smirk on his face he was trying to hide from me as his mood lighten. He picked up a small basketball from his bed and aimed for the basket that hung on the door

'I don't need geometry either I can make my three pointers no problem' he informed me

'I sure you can Justin' I smiled lightly, seeing the ball landed through the hoop and down the net. 'If you need help with your algebra paper I can help tutor you if you like'

'I don't want to keep you from doing your own paper helping me out brother'

'I don't mind Justin; I used to tutor Hannah with her papers when I was doing mine all the time'

'Thanks Clay'

'Just do as much as you can on your own and I'll help you when I'm done with mine'

Justin nodded his head and returned back to his maths paper while I cracked on with my creative writing for Mrs Thomas. I managed to get the first few paragraphs written but I was distracted when Arcade Fire's Creature Comfort came to end and I was tapping away to that instead of writing

'Alright that was Arcade Fire with Creature Comfort' the radio host announced excitedly. 'Now we have a special request next and this goes out to all the lonely hearts out there'

 **OOOOOOH**

 **OOOOOOH**

 **OOOOOOH**

Just the opening alone to this song would be enough to send me over and start brawling my eyes out uncontrollably, I had to hold it together, I've heard this song a few times now but it still made me think of the one special person that was in my life for a short period of time

 **I am not the only traveler**

 **Who has not repaid his debt**

 **I've been searching for a trail to follow again**

 **Take me back to the night we met**

Those last four words ringed around the inside of my head while I closed my eyes, all the times I spend with Hannah flashed before my very eyes again

 **And then I can tell myself**

 **What the hell I'm supposed to do**

 **And then I can tell myself**

 **Not to ride along with you.**

 **I had all and then most of you**

 **Some and now none of you**

 **Take me back to the night we met**

 **I don't know what I'm supposed to do**

 **Haunted by the ghost of you**

 **Oh, take me back to the night we met**

My moment with Hannah at the winter formal shone in my mind again and the chance I missed, if only I was more confident in myself and kissed Hannah a minute or two earlier instead of hesitating who knows where we all would be today….

 **When the night was full of terrors**

 **And your eyes were filled with tears**

 **When you had not touched me yet**

 **Oh, take me back to the night we met**

The song was starting to over whelm me as I could feel a tear sneak free and run down my cheek, using the sleeve of my hoodie to drab my eyes before more tears leaked free and I sniffled lightly. I remember everyone holding me tightly at the spring fling as our song played and I walked lonely onto the dance floor going anywhere, hoping that I would see Hannah appear in front of me again one last time

 **I had all and then most of you**

 **Some and now none of you**

 **Take me back to the night we met**

 **I don't know what I'm supposed to do**

 **Haunted by the ghost of you**

 **Take me back to the night we met**

My body shuddered while the song came to an end on the radio; I sensed Justin's presence behind me and felt his hand on my shoulder, he knew what happened to me on the dancefloor at the Spring Fling, I wiped my tears away from my eyes as Justin rubbed my back comfortingly

'You ok man'

'Yeah I'm good' I whispered softly

'The night we met' the radio host announced softly. 'What a song and much more great tunes coming up after this short break'

An advert for Hamilton's dance school played for classes starting soon for all ages for ballroom, I turned off the radio on my laptop and looked towards my bed, seeing me and Hannah lying next to each other

I got up from my desk and held myself against it as my legs felt weak to walk on, I limped over to the other side of the room and grabbed my memory box before falling flat on my back on my bed, letting out a loud breath I took off the lid and reached inside

'I need to tell you something Justin' I whimpered, pulling out a disco ball keyring from the memory box…...

* * *

 _I lay on my bed staring up at the poster of a galaxy with Hannah right beside me, she had lent me one of her pink earbuds that was connected to a Walkman she browed from Tony, we listened to the song we danced too at the winter formal while getting lost in the beautiful colours of the stars_

 _'_ _This song is just…perfect' Hannah smiled_

 _I nodded my head and turned over to her, she was so pretty and a beautiful soul yet the boys at Liberty continued to harass her and treat her like shit in the halls, she deserved someone who would make her happy forever and deserved her love and give all theirs to her….._

 _'_ _What you staring at Helmet' Hannah spoke loudly, grabbing my attention_

 _I snapped out of it and noticed Hannah had caught be staring at her, she fluttered her eyelashes and I got lost again in those beautiful azure eyes of hers, this was not good, I needed to stop staring at her like that. Like I wanted her so bad and to kiss her right now, maybe she didn't want our friendship to change at all like I do into something more_

 _'_ _Nothing' I replied_

 _Hannah shifted on top of my bed and moved a few inches closer to me, looking directly into my eyes as I was lost in hers again; Hannah moved her face closer to mine on my pillow and we just inches apart from our lips connecting together. I glanced to her lips and then back up to her eyes and Hannah closed her eyelids in anticipation, hoping we would pick up from where we left off at the winter formal_

 _The signs were all there for me to see this time, she wanted me to kiss her and I wanted to kiss Hannah, we were just bear inches from that happening. I took a deep breath before swooping down closer to Hannah's lips, one small movement forward and that would be it, our lips connecting together finally at last_

 _I hesitated for a second before my phone behind me pinged its notification sound; I watched Hannah's eyes opened slowly and saw the disappointment on her face that we hadn't t kissed each other yet, being disturbed yet again by someone else._

 _'Who_ _is it' Hannah asked, kinda annoyed by the person who'd texted_

 _'_ _It's Jeff'_

 _'_ _What did he want?' she asked curiously_

 _'_ _Wanted to know if were still on for another tutor lesson after the holidays'_

 _I texted Jeff back to say that we're still on for another tutor session and also to let him know he ruined my moment with Hannah,_ _I_ _wanted him to feel guilty since he's been trying to hook us up together since I started tutoring him._

 _Putting my phone down on the nightstand I looked over towards Hannah, she was snuggled up by the blanket I had given her when she came over, if we continued to lay on my bed any longer then we wouldn't be going out nor doing anything tonight so I ripped the blanket away from her and throw it on the couch on the other side of the room_

 _'_ _Hey' she exclaimed. 'Give me back the blanket Helmet?'_

 _'_ _Come on Han lets go out somewhere' I exclaimed_

 _'_ _But I'm comfortable here' she whispered, getting herself comfortable in my bed_

 _'_ _If we don't go then we'll be spending our entire night in my bedroom'_

 _'_ _Fine but on only one condition' Hannah groaned_

 _'_ _Which is'_

 _'_ _You let me spend the night here with you'_

 _'_ _What about your parents?' I questioned. 'Won't they worry where you are Hannah?'_

 _'_ _They….are out of town Helmet' she informed me, smiling weakly and sighing deeply. 'They got some pharmacy conference and won't be back till after the new year'_

 _I nodded my head before an idea flew inside my mind; I smiled gently and turned towards Hannah. 'You can spend new year here with me if you like Hannah. My parents are going to some party and the host invited me as well but it seems more of a work thing so I'm not going'_

 _'_ _Thanks Clay' she replied, getting up from my bed and embracing me in a warm hug, I reciprocated and held her close to me_

 _We eventually pulled away from each other and quietly sneaked out my bedroom door, I looked down at our joined hands and nudge Hannah along as we creeped down the staircase, my mom wasn't in the dining room during her lawyer work on a case she's got coming up which probably meant she's down in the basement to see my dad about something. We snuck out of the front door and I looked through the porch bay windows and my mom wasn't there still, we weren't really going anywhere in particular tonight as we left my house and neared the town….._

 _We got some hot chocolate from Monet's and continued to walk around the town on this chilly night, most of the independent stores were closing up for the night but a few thrift stores were open till late as we entered one. We scoured through the aisle and past the books section, who knows we might find a first edition Harry Potter book here or something. I saw Hannah was standing in front of large mirror in the clothing section of the store and I walked over to her_

 _'_ _What you got there Han' I asked_

 _'_ _Look what someone thrown out Helmet'_

 _In her hands were a cap and gown from Liberty High school with its badge stitched into it, Hannah slipped on the gown and placed the cap on her head, I straighten the cap and smiled at her_

 _'_ _How do I look Helmet?' she asked, raising a brow suggestively_

 _'_ _You look perfect Hannah' I admitted_

 _'_ _Just only two and half years to go before we get to do this for real eh Helmet' Hannah stated, smiling widely_

 _Hannah walked over to where she found the cap and gown and saw another set on the railing; she rushed back to me and practically forced it on me. Adjusting the gown in the mirror I didn't look half bad, I just needed my suit to complete the look_

 _'_ _You look adorable Helmet' Hannah smiled, blushing lightly_

 _'_ _Ummm….Thanks' I blushed deeply. 'But you look more beautiful with the cap and gown on than I do'_

 _Hannah smiled widely and walked over to me while I stood still in front of the mirror, we were perfectly matched and Hannah pulled out her phone and took a selfie of us dressed up smartly, we took a few goofy one after and chuckled_

 _'_ _Helmet'_

 _'_ _Yeah' I whispered softly, turning my head towards her_

 _'_ _I know this is a bit ahead of time but….' She paused, choosing her next words wisely. 'Will you be my date to graduation Helmet?'_

 _I tried to hide the smile off my face from Hannah's request, she didn't need to ask as it would always be a yes; I'd love to go to graduation with her but that was over two years away and a lot could change between us. I got a bit anxious and asked her what I needed to know_

 _'_ _But what if we are seeing different people by then and you have a boyfriend'_

 _'_ _Well…I'd ditch him for the day and go with my best friend instead'_

 _'_ _And who's that?'_

 _'_ _You, silly' she smirked, nudging my shoulder playfully_

 _I chuckled lightly and Hannah closed the distance between us, I needed to get this hypothetical question I had brewing inside of me for some time out and ask her before I lost my nerve too_

 _'_ _What if your boyfriend and best friend were the same…' I asked before being interrupted by the shop assistant_

 _'_ _You guys ok over here' the old lady asked, smiling warmly at the both of us_

 _'_ _We're good thanks' I informed her_

 _'_ _Let us know if you need any help'_

 _'_ _We will' Hannah stated_

 _The shop assistant walked away from us and it felt awkward between us again as I didn't know how to start the conversation again about her future boyfriend and best friend being me. Hannah sighed deeply and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear before looking into my eyes again_

 _'_ _What were you going to ask me Helmet?'_

 _'_ _It doesn't matter Hannah'_

 _She nodded her head as we took off our caps and gown and placed them back on the railing; we carried on looking around the store aimlessly and put a few dollars in the charity buckets before we left….._

 _Hannah linked her arm through mine as we walked along the sidewalk, the night was cold but it hadn't snowed yet and mostly likely wouldn't this Christmas. Hannah stopped walked and my body halted from her standing still, she was looking at poster on a door of a dance studio as soft calming music was playing within could be heard outside_

 _'_ _What is it Hannah' I asked_

 _'_ _It's an open dance night at this studio' she exclaimed excitedly. 'We should go'_

 _'_ _I don't dance Hannah' I said firmly, standing my ground on the issue_

 _'_ _Why not, you did at the winter formal'_

 _'_ _I lost a bet to Jeff Adkins' I stated. Remembering the look on Jeff's face at the score he got on his paper that I lost the bet, I was always hopping he'd scored higher so I had to come that night to maybe get the chance to dance with Hannah_

 _'_ _So…there was no other reason for you to come that night whatsoever Helmet'_

 _'_ _Well…. Maybe there was one other reason why' I smirked_

 _Hannah took a hold of my hand and dragged me inside the dance studio with her, we signed in and then entered the dance floor, there were couples of different ages from the young to the very old on the floor swaying back and forth. 'Every breath you take' started to play as Hannah and I took our positions on the dance floor, she placed her arms around my neck and I planted my hands on top of her waist_

 _I looked around the dance floor and saw some couples dancing to rhythmic pace and some to a more subtle and slow rhythm, nobody cared what like looked like or how they danced in front of other people, they just felt free and peaceful and that's what I wanted to feel tonight with Hannah_

 _I built up some courage first and let loose on the dance floor as my body slowly felt the beat to the song and swayed slightly, Hannah tighten the grip around my neck and drew my closer to her as she danced along to the song…._

 _During the songs that played tonight that we danced along too I couldn't help but let my mind wonder every now and then and I knew Hannah had noticed as well but hadn't confronted me about it, maybe she was enjoying herself tonight to not ask what's wrong with me. I turned my head slightly and my gaze locked with Hannah's, she had a worried smile on her face_

 _'_ _You ok Helmet' she asked_

 _'_ _Yeah I'm good'_

 _'_ _You don't sound like it' she sighed deeply. 'You can tell me what's wrong'_

 _'_ _O-ooh u-umm I'd just let my mind wonder somewhere…sorry'_

 _'_ _Where did it go Helmet?' Hannah asked_

 _'_ _Somewhere dark, you were gone from my life forever Hannah' I admitted, dropping my gaze from hers_

 _Hannah's eyes widen from my revelation and she tighten the hold around my neck and brought me closer to her, I held her closer to me in case that I let her go she'd be gone for good_

 _'_ _Can you promise me something Hannah?'_

 _'_ _What'_

 _'_ _You'll stick with me' I exclaimed, pleading my eyes with hers_

 _She nodded her head at me but I needed to hear her say it, letting me believe her promise to me that she wouldn't' just disappear one day from my life_

 _'_ _Can you do that, stick with me?' I asked again_

 _'_ _I can' she assured. 'I promise Helmet I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right here besides you, always'_

 _Hannah laid the side of her face against me and snuggled in my chest, her arms gripped around my waist tightly as she softly placed a kiss on top of my heart. My love for this girl only grew stronger for her and I needed to tell her but it didn't feel like the right time too, I bowed my head down to Hannah and gently kissed the top of her head and whispered I love you, hoping she didn't hear me say those three meaningful words yet_

 _We continued dancing with each other till the night was over even when our feet ached so much, they organisers of the open night announced the next song will be the last of the night and too enjoy it; the room was quiet before the last song started and the harrowing echo began. Hannah shot up from my chest and locked her gaze with mine as realisation kicked in, they were playing our song_

 _'_ _We just can't seem to escape this song' I stated_

 _Hannah chuckled which caused the smile on my face to grow wider if that was even possible, we continued to slow dance as I extended Hannah out from me and twirled her around before pulling her back close to me. The look in her eyes I knew she must have felt something for me too as I did for her but why haven't we said what we felt for each other and said I love you yet? In fear our relationship could change between us? But the love was there for us to both see if one of us took that chance to say how they felt…_

 _As the room started to clear out for the night the organisers had informed us that they would like to plan something like this again in the near future and we would be all welcomed back, they handed out free disco ball keychain as a memento for the night as I put my index finger through the ring and watched the ball spin around_

 _I extended out my arm for Hannah and she slipped her arm through as we walked home on this chilly night, walking back slowly as both of our feet's ached from how much we danced tonight_

 _'_ _We are so going back to their next open night Helmet' she sighed excitedly, leaning her head on my shoulder_

 _'_ _I hope it's not for a while yet' I exclaimed, looking down at my sore feet_

 _'_ _Why are your feet aching?' Hannah teased_

 _'_ _Yeah'_

 _'_ _So are mine' she moaned, looking at her own feet. Her eyes lit up suggestively before she even spoke. 'Helmet…'_

 _'_ _Don't even ask because it aint happening' I informed her_

 _'_ _Please, pretty please Helmet' she begged playfully like a child hoping to get its own way_

 _'_ _Fine' I groaned loudly. 'You owe me one Hannah'_

 _I crouched down on my knees as Hannah climbed onto my back and held onto me tightly, she wrapped her legs around my waist and her arms circled around my neck as she lay into me, I hooked my arms under her legs in case she slipped from me. I walked her back to my house and I felt Hannah's lips brush against my cheek before she sighed happily, I kept on going over the lyrics in my head over our song, maybe tonight, the night was so not full of terror instead….._

* * *

I watched the disco ball spin in my hand as I held it up in front of me, Justin sat down next to me on my bed and held the memory box in his hands, he had a sadden look on his face and some tears behind his eyes

'I just want to say I'm sorry Clay'

'What are you sorry for?' I asked confusedly, not knowing why

'For not being there for you at the spring fling when you needed me, I was too busy dealing with my own shit to realise you needed me more. I'm sorry I let you down that night bro'

'Don't be ok Justin I wasn't on my own on the dance floor when our song came on, you being here now is all I need…bro' I smirked. 'Thanks for listening it's really helping me get through this, more than you know'

'No problem'

Justin wrapped his arm around my shoulders as I leaned into his embrace; I placed my head onto his shoulders and slowly closed my eyes, maybe the nights were not going to be filled with terror again….


	7. Rosie's menu

I persuaded Tony to join me tonight for a crucial Liberty High basketball game to make the playoff places for regionals and to also support Justin tonight during the game. Justin had scored the winning basket to send Liberty through to the playoffs, Tony and I finished off my packet of Skittles while Coach Patrick finished his after game pep talk to the team. Justin was still on court taking some free throws and ushered us both to join him on centre court

'Let's see what you got Clay' he proclaimed, bouncing the ball over to me

'Ok Justin'

I lined up my shot and took aim at the basket as the ball flew through the air, hitting the rim before circling around and falling through the net, I cheered loudly as the ball went in

'Not bad Clay' Justin sighed. 'Just aim a little higher next time'

Justin showed me how it was done like he done many times during the game, he collect the ball from the ground and throw it back to me, just as I was about to throw again Tony coughed loudly gaining both of our attentions

'We going to get the hell out of here or carry on shooting hoops all night'

'We're coming, Dad' I exclaimed

Tony rolled his eyes disapprovingly as he walked out of the gymnasium and Justin and I rushed to catch up with him, we entered his red Mustang and got comfortable in the back seats while he placed a tape into the deck

'You guys need a ride home or are you coming out with me to grab something to eat'

I looked over to Justin and he nodded, I smiled weakly at him before turning back to Tony. 'My mom said we could stay out a little longer and grab something to eat on the way home'

'Great, where do you guys want to eat?'

'I'm easy, I don't mind where' Justin interjected

'Ok what about you Clay?' Tony asked kindly

I didn't fancy mainstream tonight of McDonalds as there was one place in particular I was craving, there yummy cheeseburgers and to die for milkshakes were already calling for me as I made up my mind

'Rosie's Diner' I informed him

'You sure, we can always go somewhere else if you like'

'No, Rosie's seems good to me'

'Ok, you're the boss Clay' Tony replied

Tony pulled out of the school's park lot and headed towards Rosie's diner, Joy Division was coming out of the speakers as we passed through the town. I turned to my left and saw Hannah sitting before me, I jumped out of my body in fear and saw that she was smiling gently at me, I placed my hands over my eyes and rubbed them and looked back to where Hannah was and she was gone now

'You alright Clay' Tony asked, looking at me through his interior mirror

'Yeah….I'm good' I replied, patting the spot next to me to make sure I wasn't seeing things

'You look like you've just seen a ghost'

'Guess I just got frighten by my own shadow that's all'

'Sure it wasn't your reflection in the window' Justin piped up

'I aint that hideous Justin' I stated as he chuckled silently

This the second time it has happened to me in the last few weeks, at first when I saw us together on my bed listening to music from the Walkman I didn't think anything of it but now…..this couldn't be happening to me when I already said goodbye to her soul and let her go, why is she popping back up in my life like this and aint saying anything to me this time around, did she need to tell me something or my mind playing tricks on me again…

We arrived at Rosie's and pulled up near the front entrance to the diner, our small group entered the diner and was met by a huge cheer as eyes laid on Justin. They were from other students at Liberty and the staff from Rosie's, we lid into a booth in the centre of the diner and placed our order with the waiter that greeted us excitedly when he met Justin…..

I was lost in my own thoughts as I couldn't keep up with the conversation between Tony and Justin about something at Liberty High, my eyes wondered around the diner left to right and landed on a teenage couple sitting at the back of the diner with their faces covered by the menu, they poked their heads up and I saw Hannah and myself from last year being here, they both looked so fun and playful and Hannah waved directly at me, I wasn't sure if I should wave back in case people thought I had turned nuts in the head

'Clay…..Clay' Tony spoke loudly, grabbing my attention

'Yeah' I sighed heavily

'You sure you're alright? You seem a little out of it tonight'

'I'm good totally good….what were you saying' I exclaimed, taking the memory box of my backpack and keeping a hold of it in my lap

Tony's mouth opened and closed but I didn't hear anything come out of it as I was lost in my own thoughts again and looked back over to the corner of the diner, myself and Hannah from a year ago were gone and I heard the desperate cries from Hannah to Marcus to stop touching her inappropriately, shoving his meaty paws of her thighs and away from her. I looked up and my eyes locked with that version of Hannah, silently crying out for help and someone to save her

I closed my eyes and took a very deep breath, hoping when I did open my eyelids I didn't see a distressed Hannah anymore, they were both gone as I was just staring at an empty booth now instead of an event from my sophomore year

'You thinking about what Marcus did to Hannah' Tony proclaimed

'How'd you guess'

'Because I can never stop thinking about it every time I walk past that booth' he whispered

'We can go somewhere else if you like Clay; we don't have to stay here if you don't want to'

'Don't be silly we've just ordered' I informed him. 'Me and Hannah had fun in here once so the bad memories doesn't always have to overshadow the good ones and vice versa'

'When did you became an unhelpful Yoda' Tony smiled

I chuckled under my breath as the tips of my fingers played with the edge of the paper menu, flipping the menu over I found a pencil that was left behind on the table and started drawing, anything to take my mind of her assault and to remember my only night with her here instead…

* * *

 _Hannah's laptop sat at the foot of her bed while we lay comfortably on the pillows next to each other, her parents hadn't returned back yet from the store as we devoured salsa and chips during the movie, tonight was just perfect and I couldn't ask for anything more even tho I wasn't paying much attention now to the movie_

 _I shifted in the bed and faced Hannah, her gaze moved up from the laptop at the foot of the bed and Hannah's eyes locked with mine, there was a twinkle in them and a small smirk pulled at her lips_

 _'What' I asked_

 _'I'm still hungry Helmet'_

 _'You just ate more than half of the salsa and chips you know that Hannah' I chimed. 'How can you still be hungry?'_

 _'A girl has got to eat Clay' she replied_

 _'Do you have anything in the cupboards; maybe I could rustle something up for us'_

 _'I didn't know Clay Jensen cooks' she mocked, gasping loudly_

 _'Well I live to surprise you'_

 _'Well I'm sorry to disappoint Helmet but I don't think we do' she informed me. 'Maybe we could go out to get something to eat'_

 _'Fancy anything in particular m'lady'_

 _Hannah rolled her eyes and giggled, I loved hearing her laugh when we were alone as it would always put a smile on my face and brighten up my day. 'You're such a dork, a sweet adorable dork Helmet'_

 _'Well I try Hannah'_

 _'But you'll always be my dork'_

 _'I kind of prefer to be a nerd' I corrected_

 _'Dork, nerd whatever Helmet so long as your my best friend' she smiled. 'It's encouraging being a nerd by the way'_

 _'So I've been told before'_

 _We continued watching the rest of our movie date together with some freshly burnt popcorn I made, Hannah chuckled at how I could make burnt popcorn taste good…._

 _It was late in the evening The Bakers hadn't still returned back yet from the store and Hannah grew impatience waiting for them to come home, we decided to go out to eat instead as Hannah dropped her parents a text to tell them know she'd gone out and taken the Jeep as well_

 _'So where are you planning on wining and dining me tonight Helmet' Hannah asked_

 _'You'll see Hannah'_

 _'Is it somewhere fancy?'_

 _'Well….to me it is' I exclaimed. 'The exterior I'd say is typical but the food is too die for'_

 _'It's not McDonalds is it Helmet' she frowned_

 _I gasped loudly and placed a hand over my heart as if I was deeply wounded from her remark, Hannah rolled her eyes at me as we climbed into the Jeep_

 _'Do you really think I would treat you like that Han' I proclaimed, buckling myself in. 'If I had more time and some extra money then I would definitely take you out somewhere special'_

 _'For real'_

 _'For real Hannah' I admitted. 'I might even dress up for the occasion'_

 _'I'll hold you to it Helmet' she smiled, turning on the engine of the car. 'So where are you going, like I need directions'_

 _I leaned over and typed in the zip code into the inbuilt satellite navigation system of the Jeep, Hannah pulled away from her driveway and to the secret distention she followed on the sat nav screen…._

 _We arrived fifteen minutes later and parked up in front of the diner's entrance, I looked over at Hannah and she smiled gently back, she slipped her arm through mine as we entered the diner. Rosie's diner was buzzing with life tonight even long after Liberty High's basketball game; I spotted an empty booth at the back of the diner and motioned Hannah to come along as we slid in and sat opposite each other_

 _'What does Sir recommend at this fine establishment?' Hannah enquired, raising a brow_

 _'Well M'lady I suggest you try the shakes, most definitely their speciality'_

 _'And to eat Helmet'_

 _'Their famous hamburger and fries'_

 _'I'll go and order, what shake do you want' she asked_

 _'Take a guess'_

 _'Strawberry' she stated_

 _'Nope' I proclaimed, shaking my head. 'It's chocolate'_

 _'So typical' she sighed gently. 'Though you'd be a strawberry since that's your favourite ice cream'_

 _'I know, weird right?'_

 _'Yeah totally weird' she exclaimed. 'Isn't a milkshake just a blended milky ice cream Helmet?'_

 _'Uhh never thought of it like that'_

 _I watched Hannah slid out of the booth and walk over to the counter to place our order; my gaze scanned the room and saw the smirks and silent laughter from the jocks that were aimed towards me. I bowed my head down not wanting to make eye contact with the jocks as Hannah came back to the booth_

 _'Helmet' she spoke softly. 'What's wrong?'_

 _'Nothing really'_

 _'Tell me' Hannah pleaded, placing her hand on top of mine_

 _My body soften at the weight of her hand as I drew my gaze to meet Hannah; she smiled softly which caused my heart to stutter. I smiled warmly back as we heard more laughter coming from the jocks who stared towards us_

 _'Assholes' she muttered_

 _I chuckled loudly which caused Hannah to giggle; she knew what I was thinking and the new rumours of us swilling through the jocks heads to spread tomorrow of her in the halls_

 _'Just ignore them I want to be here with you Helmet' Hannah assured_

 _I nodded my head and felt Hannah's hand twitch above mine, looking down at our hands I saw Hannah intertwine our fingers together and gave me a reassuring squeeze, I squeezed her hand back immediately and the tension that was once there was gone now…._

 _A few minutes later a waitress came with our order and placed it down on the table between us, I missed the warmth from Hannah's hand as we said thank you to the waitress who smiled warmly at our politeness. We tucked into our meal and every so often I would pick up a fry and dip it into my chocolate milkshake, earning a grimace face from Hannah in disapproval of my eating methods_

 _'That's disgusting Helmet' Hannah whined_

 _'Have you ever even tried it Hannah' I exclaimed, raising a brow. 'How do you even know it's disgusting?'_

 _'I'll just go with my assumption Clay that it is'_

 _'Well at least try it before you assume'_

 _'I wouldn't if you paid me a million dollars'_

 _'For me, please' I begged_

 _'Fine, for you' she relented in the end_

 _Hannah picked up a single fry from her plate and dunked it into her strawberry milkshake, the thick shake slid down her fry as she took a bite of her milkshake covered fry, her grimacing face turned to shock and surprise from the taste of it mixed together_

 _'Well' I enquired as I stretched out the L. 'What did you think'_

 _'It's actually nice'_

 _'Just nice' I exclaimed, receiving an ok reaction to a wonderful taste in the world_

 _'It's more than nice, it's actually awesome' she admitted, taking another fry and dipping it again. 'It got a salty but sweet taste to it that blends well together'_

 _'See I knew you would like it' I smiled. 'Mind if I have a taste of your shake'_

 _'Not at all Helmet'_

 _Hannah slid her strawberry milkshake glass across the table towards me, I picked up my straw from my glass and placed it in her glass and took a sip of the sweet delicious strawberry shake I like from Rosie's_

 _'Hey you're getting chocolate in my strawberry' she accused, knitting her brows furiously_

 _'Sorry'_

 _Hannah grabbed a hold of my chocolate shake glass and put her straw in mine, taking a small gulp of my shake and raising her brows suggestively_

 _'Hey Hannah you're getting strawberry in my chocolate'_

 _'Sorry' she smirked. 'Now we're even'_

 _We placed our hands back on the table and intertwined our fingers together as we ate our meal of hamburger and fries. Not caring what any looks or silent rumours that were spreading of us as we ate together peacefully…._

 _Rosie's was quieting down for the night and the jocks had long left since we weren't leaving any time soon as fresh refills of milkshake sat on our table, Hannah had pulled out her dollar valentine sheet from her jean pocket and had asked for my help filling out her form_

 _'Helmet I need your help'_

 _'What question'_

 _'I don't know what to put under what I'm looking for'_

 _'Well what are you looking for Hannah in a guy' I asked curiously_

 _'That's it….I don't really know' she sighed heavily. 'I seem to have a bad taste in guys Helmet, always going for the wrong one'_

 _'Well you didn't go wrong in having me as your friend, a guy friend'_

 _Hannah rolled her eyes at my cheesy statement as she filled in other parts of the dollar valentine form in what she was looking for; I took out a pencil from my bag and began drawing on the back of the menu as Hannah continued to linger over that question_

 _'You figured out your mystery man yet' I enquired_

 _'Kinda Helmet'_

 _'Well what's his like' I asked, taking a sip of my chocolate milkshake_

 _'He's…normal to say the least. He's strong and brave mentally and physically, selfless and kind but courageous' she smiled, writing it down on the form. 'I don't think a guy like that may even exist at Liberty'_

 _'Sounds like your describing Captain America' I chuckled as Hannah giggled as well. 'If you look in the right places he might do at Liberty'_

 _'You not suggesting you're this guy are you Helmet'_

 _'Might be, might be not Hannah' I smirked, taking another sip of my milkshake. 'You'll have to hand that form in if you want to find out if it is me'_

 _'Then what about you' she exclaimed_

 _'What about me?'_

 _'Are you doing a dollar valentine form?'_

 _'I don't think so, not this year Hannah'_

 _'What! You can't afford a dollar to find out your one true love' she gasped. 'I'll pay for you Helmet to do one'_

 _'I don't think so Hannah'_

 _'Fine, if you won't do one then you can answer the questions off my form then' Hannah insisted_

 _I nodded my head while grabbing hold of my milkshake glass and taking a long drink as this would be painful to do, describing myself was the easy part of the form but to describe Hannah to her in what I was looking for was the hardest part without making it completely obvious to her_

 _'Last question Helmet and it's all over'_

 _'Thank god for that' I sighed deeply, glad that this torture of a form was nearly over_

 _Hannah sniggered and looked down at the piece of paper in her hands. 'So what are you looking for in a young lady Helmet?'_

 _'She…has to be beautiful' I started describing_

 _'Typical boy answer' Hannah interjected, rolling her eyes disappointingly like I was the rest of them at Liberty_

 _'You didn't let me finish Hannah' I proclaimed. 'By beautiful I mean inside and out'_

 _'Go on' she replied, placing her hand on top of mine and urging me on to say more to her and make her believe I was different_

 _'This young lady has to be unique, strong and just be true herself and not blend into the social norms of Liberty but the most important thing is…' I sighed deeply, meeting Hannah's steady gaze. 'Got to be special to me'_

 _'Someone special eh' she smiled. 'Good luck finding her Helmet'_

 _'Hannah'_

 _'Yeah'_

 _'I was just wondering…..umm if you don't….have a date for valentine's day' I mumbled along together, losing my nerve while asking her. 'If you'd like to umm…possibly, maybe spend it toget….'_

 _'Sorry to interrupt you guys but to just let you know we're closing in ten minutes' Our waitress for tonight informed us_

 _'Ok thanks' we replied unison_

 _We watched as the waitress left us alone again and went behind the bar and clean up for the night, I felt the tension raise back in me again as I knew Hannah would ask to repeat myself but I already lost my nerve_

 _'What were you going to ask me Helmet?'_

 _'Oh….it's nothing important'_

 _'I'll be the judge if it's important or not' Hannah exclaimed. 'So what was it?'_

 _'I'll ask you again in a few days after you'd got your results for dollar valentines and haven't got any decent matches'_

 _'You promise'_

 _'I promise' I replied, crossing an x over the top of my heart_

 _We got out of our booth for the night and walked towards the door in the now empty diner, I paid our bill for the night and met Hannah waiting by the door, she slid her arm through mine and walked across the car park towards her Jeep. Hannah turned on the heating in the car as we waited to get warm before driving off home_

 _'Hannah I got something for you'_

 _'Hum' she replied as I drew her focus to me. 'What is it?'_

 _'You'll see' I stated_

 _I handed Hannah the paper menu I stole from Rosie's and been doodling all night on, she turned on the courtesy light and inspected my drawling. Hannah's smile grew immediately at the drawing of two bunnies with a love heart above them, in the heart were three words I written but couldn't bring up the courage to say to her in person_

 _'Love you Hannah' she spoke softly while meeting my gaze_

 _I blushed deeply and bowed my head as I could feel her stare on me, Hannah reached over from her seat and gentle pressed her lips against my cheek before sliding back down her seat again, she gave one last look at my drawing before placing it in the back seat_

 _'Thanks for the drawing Picasso' Hannah replied warmly before driving us home for the night….._

* * *

Tony, Justin and I were just lingering in the booth with our milkshakes as there were in deep conversion about the game tonight while I continued to doodle over the back of the menu and kept a tight grip on the memory box, I turned my gaze to the empty seat next to me and felt a presence besides me, Hannah was sat there and smiled widely at me as I smiled warmly back and I swear I heard her repeat those three words on the menu I gave her when her lips moved but nothing vocal came out from her

'You ok Clay' Tony asked

'Yeah I'm good'

'I'm worried about you brother, let's get you home' he smiled weakly

I nodded my head and placed the memory box back into my backpack and the menu I drew another bunny onto, Hannah had disappeared again as I slid out of the booth and looked back at where we were seated. Justin wrapped his arm around shoulders as we paid and left Rosie's diner for the night and headed home, I needed to rest and get my shit together before I hallucinate and see Hannah again…..


	8. The beanie

The last few weeks since Rosie's diner I'd only been hallucinating Hannah once or twice a week and I still couldn't figure out why I was seeing her nor seek out help from my family or friends about my problems as they would think I've started going crazy in the head and send me away to a psychiatric hospital for god knows how long…...

Justin and I had just finished another boring day at school and Justin insisted he'll drive us home since I've been really quiet lately and not been myself the last few weeks, he'd noticed some of the signs I've been acting strangely and talking to myself which in fact I was trying to talk to Hannah that I saw around the house but all he saw was me talking to myself

'I know were not blood related and your family has taken me in as one of your own but you're my brother Clay'

'Yeah' I nodded

'And I love you' he exclaimed, glancing over to me every now and then. 'You know that don't you'

'Of course I do' I assured, smiling weakly at him. 'And…. I love you too'

'But I'm worried about you brother, you've not been yourself the last few weeks'

'I'm fine Justin'

'Are you tho' he questioned. 'Or do I need to have a chat with mom and dad and maybe get you back on the meds again'

'You wouldn't Justin' I protested, shaking my head

'Not unless you talk and open up to me Clay about what's been going on with you lately'

'If I do you promise you won't rat me out to mom and dad what I told you'

'I promise Clay' he assured me. 'I'm your brother remember, we can tell each other anything'

I nodded my head and took a large gulp from my water bottle to steady my nerves down for his reaction; Justin waited patiently and looked over at me as I could feel his stare, sighing deeply I let it out

'The last few weeks I keep seeing Hannah everywhere I go for a couple of minutes before she disappears again and I don't know why'

'Has this ever happened before Clay?'

'Yeah it has' I admitted, bowing my head down. 'The last time she appeared we talked to each other but this time she doesn't say a word to me and I don't know what to do'

'I don't know how to help you there Clay but I'll be there for you' Justin replied sympathetically. 'Maybe Hannah has come back to you for a reason'

'Reason being, what exactly' I questioned

'Maybe she wants something from you'

'Highly unlikely'

I shook my head as even talking about it out loud to Justin briefly about my issues seemed weird, none of it made any sense to me and how to deal with it. Justin pulled up my car by the sidewalk in front of our house; we got out of the car and entered our home to find that we could hear the washing machine was going through a cycle. I entered the kitchen and found mom sat at the table with cup of coffee in hand while waiting for the cycle to finish

'Hi boys, how was school' she greeted warmly

'School was fine' I sighed deeply, grabbing a cup of coffee for myself from the pot

'Yeah school was good Mrs Jensen' Justin replied

'Justin what have me and Matt said' she exclaimed. 'You can call us mom and dad if you like, no need for formalities honey '

'I remember, mom'

I saw my mom smile weakly at Justin who reciprocated back before grabbing a bottle of Gatorade out of the fridge, my gaze landed on the full laundry basket on the worktop that needed to be washed next when I spotted something familiar. Walking over to the basket I found my beanie and grabbed a hold of it quickly

'Why in the hell do you have this' I exclaimed angrily

'Clay, sweetie what's wrong'

'Just answer my damn question' I roared at my mom. 'Why were you about to wash this'

'I was cleaning your room when I accidently knocked over a box and that fell out' she explained, confused to why I had suddenly blown a fuse at her. 'I haven't seen you wear it before and maybe, I thought it could do with a wash'

'You had no right going through my things' I cried out loudly. 'You had no right snooping around'

'I am your mother. You do not ever speak to me like that ever; it's my job to snoop around you just in case…'

'What! That I might be doing drugs' I replied, cutting her off while shaking my head as I paced around the kitchen. 'Just stay out of my room ok. Just leave my shit alone'

'I don't understand why you're so upset Clay it's just a beanie' she replied aimlessly

'Just a beanie' I snapped furiously

My anger boiled deep inside my body as I couldn't contain my rage anymore, my own mother nearly washed clean a beanie that meant so much to me that she didn't know of or it's true meaning to me, I could have lost a part of my Hannah and that hurt deep in my heart. I charged forward and squared up to my own mother, I so badly wanted to hurt her but I couldn't move a muscle as I saw my own anger and rage spilling out in my mother's eyes

'Come on Clay, let's just get some air' Justin spoke calmly into my ear

He wrapped his arms around my waist and dragged me away from my mom and out of the kitchen, he lead me upstairs to our shared bedroom and closed the door, I sat down on my bed as Justin now paced around our bedroom and slid his fingers through his hair at the stress I was causing him right now

'What the hell Clay' he exclaimed angrily. 'What did you snap at mom?'

'I didn't mean too ok'

'Then what's so special about that damn beanie then'

'It's Hannah's. It's the only thing I have left of her' I admitted

'Oh' Justin whispered, realisation sinking into why I snapped

I cried quietly to myself and held Hannah's beanie close to my face to shield my tears falling in front of Justin, bringing the beanie closer to the bridge of my nose I nuzzled into it and inhaled deeply, Hannah's familiar scent came rushing back to me and that night I got her beanie from her

'It stills smells like her' I whispered

'How do you even have that?'

Justin stopped pacing around the room and sat down next to me on my bed, my thumb moved around the soft material before I took another deep sniff of the beanie, soaking in Hannah's scent again…

* * *

 _After the long summer away at my grandparents on the other side of the country I was glad to be back home and spend whatever remains of the break left with my friends, I couldn't wait to see Hannah and spent some alone time together again_

 _The first few days back in Evergreen I was back working at the Crestmont again but I wasn't met by my usual partner in crime today which was quite odd, she told me she would be working at the Crestmont all summer long even after I got back, the new guy seemed nice enough but he could never compare to Hannah…._

 _When I arrived home after my latest shift at the Crestmont I untied my bowtie and undone the buttons on my red vest I jumped onto my bed, pulling out my phone from my pocket and opened up the Spotify app and started listening to the latest songs by Lord Huron. During one of his newest songs my phone pinged and I checked my messages_

 _'Hey Helmet, you fancy meeting up tonight x'_

 _I smiled widely at the text and replied back to Hannah that I would be over to her house in ten minutes; I changed out of my work cloths and into something more comfortable as I slid on my hoodie. I almost made it out of the front door when my mother called out for me from front the living room_

 _'And where are you going Clay' she asked_

 _'To a friend's house' I informed her hopefully, walking into the living room. 'That's ok isn't it?'_

 _'Of course it is but which friend is this'_

 _'It's someone from work' I sighed, hoping this interrogation wouldn't take long. 'Can I go now?'_

 _'Aren't you forgetting something?'_

 _'A kiss goodbye' I asked_

 _'Yes' she replied, getting up from the couch and going to the coat rack. 'But your helmet please'_

 _I nodded my head and took a hold of my helmet from her grasp, putting the helmet on my head I felt my mother's fingers click the clasp into place and tighten up the straps_

 _'You worry too much, has anyone ever told you that'_

 _'It's a mother's job to worry about her children, you'll understand in time'_

 _'Whatever, love you' I said, kissing her cheek softly_

 _'Love you too Clay and be safe and call me if you're gonna be late out'_

 _I chuckled quietly to myself and quickly left the house before my mother started checking my bike next to see if that's safe as well. I climbed onto my bike and rode off into the silent night to Hannah's house…_

 _Parking my bike on the inside of her fence I went up the walkway to Hannah's front door, just before I could knock on the door it flew up and I jumped back a step in shock, a teary eyed Hannah stood on the other side, I wonder what had made her cry as I stepped closer to her_

 _'Hey Hannah' I greeted_

 _'Clay Jensen' she scolded, folding her arms_

 _'Umm Hannah Baker' I repeated again_

 _'You're in so much trouble now'_

 _'What have I done, exactly?' I gulped_

 _'You'd said you would write to me all summer but you didn't follow through' she snapped, slapping me on the arm hard. 'I've been waiting all summer by my mailbox for your hand written letters to come'_

 _'I didn't think you would expect me to follow through on that' I replied shamefully, bowing my head to not meet her teary eye stare at me 'I thought I didn't matter that much to you Hannah'_

 _'You matter a lot to me Helmet' she admitted_

 _Hannah stepped forward and threw her arms around my neck pulling me closer to her, wrapping me in her warm and deep embrace as I buried my face in the crock of her neck, I inhaled her scent and felt at home with her, I never want to let her or this feeling go again_

 _'I've missed you Clay'_

 _'I missed you too Hannah'_

 _'Come and tell me all about your summer away'_

 _Hannah pulled away from our embrace and grabbed a hold of my hand, interlacing our fingers together and smiling warmly at the touch of our hands, pulling me behind her into her home and to her bedroom….._

 _Thankfully Hannah's parents weren't home and won't be for a while being at the store which meant we had the whole place to ourselves, I got comfortable on the couch in her room when Hannah returned with a bag of Doritos, she sat down next to me and popped open the bag and offered a chip_

 _'You know, we don't have to stay in if you don't want too' I informed her, taking another chip from the bag. 'I don't mind going out'_

 _'I think you've been out long enough all summer Helmet besides you look like you could do with a rest'_

 _'I haven't had any time to myself since I've got back but if you do want to do something tonight I really don't mind.'_

 _'I'm ok Helmet' she smiled, cupping my cheek and softly stroking her thumb against my skin. I've missed her touch since I've been away. 'Maybe we should slow things down'_

 _'Slow things down' I questioned, confused on how we could if anything hasn't started yet between us_

 _'What I mean is…we haven't had a quiet night in since we started hanging out together'_

 _'I could do with that so badly right now' I smiled, feeling sleep cloud its way through by body as I lay on the couch_

 _'Err….don't think you've gotten away with it Clay. I'm still mad at you for not writing me any letters' she stated, looking dead at me in the eye_

 _'Then let me make it up to you Hannah'_

 _'How'_

 _'Well I've been away nearly for two whole months and we have a week or so left before we started junior year so let me make that week the best week of your life'_

 _'What would we get up to?' she smirked_

 _'You'll find out if you let me make it up to you first' I informed her. 'I might even write an apology letter'_

 _Hannah giggled and grabbed a chip out of the bag she was holding, she snuggled down onto my chest as I laid further back into the couch, Hannah brought a Dorito close to my mouth as I took a bite out of the chip while she finished the remains of the chip. We fed each other Doritos chips for the rest of the night while I told her more about my summer away and what I got up too…._

 _The Bakers still hadn't returned back yet from the store so we decided to ransack the cupboards in the kitchen. We pigged out on more chips with salsa, chocolate with nuts in them and candy bars, while on a sugar high we raided the freezer for the mint chocolate ice cream it stored and brought the tub back to Hannah's room_

 _As we devoured the now half eaten ice cream tube I couldn't help but notice the complexion of Hannah tonight, even tho I've been away for two months something seem different about her like a new shine of light or glow to her skin_

 _'What is it Helmet' she asked_

 _'Are you using a new conditioner or face cream or something?'_

 _'What' she exclaimed_

 _'Something about you seem different since I last saw you' I informed her. 'You got like a new glow to you if you know what I mean'_

 _'No, I don't know what you mean'_

 _'You're like…a light in a dark room, you seem to brighten up people lives when you're in the room' I explained, finding the words hard to come by what I meant or trying to say. Word diarrhoea just spilling out. 'Well…. You definitely brighten up my world'_

 _'I can assure you, I'm still the same old Hannah you know' she smiled. 'Nothing different, no light'_

 _'That's not true Hannah'_

 _Hannah vaguely nodded her head in agreement as she got up from her couch and went to the bed, I watched on as she grabbed my hoodie and turned to face me, her small smile turned into a smirk when she slipped her arms through the sleeves_

 _'What are you doing' I laughed nervously, putting the ice cream to one side_

 _'You should have been careful where you placed your hoodie' she proclaimed, sliding the hoodie onto her body and snuggling into it. 'It's mine now'_

 _'That's my favourite hoodie Hannah' I protested, getting up from the couch_

 _'Well it's my favourite hoodie now' she proclaimed_

 _'Isn't this what girlfriends do to their boyfriends, steal their cloths' I exclaimed. 'Last time I check we aint that'_

 _'If we aint said labels the best thing I can say is I'm your best friend'_

 _'Still doesn't give you the right to steal my hoodie tho. I want it back' I whined_

 _'But I've missed you tho Helmet'_

 _'You missed me'_

 _'While you were away I missed not having a part of you around like a hoodie to keep reminding myself of you' she explained. 'Now that I got your hoodie I never want to let go of it'_

 _'Keep it then Hannah' I relented_

 _I smiled softly at Hannah as she blushed bright red, she wrapped her arms around her herself and snuggled into the soft material, inhaling my scent and smiled back. Hannah leaped forward and enveloped me into a tight hug, the warmth of her embrace radiated over my body as I held her close in my arms_

 _'I've missed you too you know, all summer long'_

 _'Really Helmet' Hannah exclaimed, leaning back to look into my eyes_

 _'Would I lie to you?' I replied_

 _Hannah shook her head no but she knew that I was a terrible liar sometimes when I was around her, every day on that farm with my grandparents I did miss her a lot and everything about her, if only we had the summer together, things could have been so different by now. She turned her shake from a no to a yes immediately and I gasped in fake outrage_

 _'That was entirely mean'_

 _'Wasn't it'_

 _'You're the worst Hannah Baker' I laughed lightly causing Hannah to giggle also as she buried the side of her face into my chest. 'No but the truth is…I really did miss you so much. I was so lonely on my own I just wish I had something of yours with me when I was away so I thought of you more'_

 _'Then I propose a trade' she suggested_

 _'Trade of what'_

 _'I keep your hoodie and you can have this Helmet' Hannah proclaimed_

 _Hannah pulled away from my chest and I missed the warmth immediately, she walked over to the dresser across the room and lifted up a knitted material, Hannah stretched open the opening of the beanie and placed it over the top of my head, adjusting it right and showing some of my helmet hair_

 _'I can't accept this Hannah; it's your signature beanie' I replied, taking it off and holding it firmly in my hands_

 _'If you missed me that much then you should have this Helmet' Hannah assured, placing her hands on top of mine. 'As a keep sake and a reminder of me forever'_

 _'Thanks'_

 _I placed the beanie back on top of my head as Hannah adjusted the look of it, she placed a soft kiss on my cheek and I felt like I blushed to ungodly shade of red as she snuggled against my chest again. I wrapped my arms around her tightly again, feeling her warmth rushing back to me that I never want to let go again if I can help it…_

 _After a few hours later my eyelids fluttered open and I felt a huge weight across my chest, I tried moving but it felt like I was being weighed down. Turning my head to the right I saw Hannah was fast asleep and laid across my chest, the last thing I remember was we were watching a movie together and I must of fell asleep. I eased out from Hannah's embrace and sat on the edge of her bed, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket; it was a text message from mom_

 _'It's late Clay, when you get home you're in deep trouble Mr'_

 _Seeing the time in the top right corner of my phone it was past 2:30 am and I was contemplating sending a text back to my mom even this late in morning when I heard Hannah stirring behind me, turning around I saw her eyelids fluttered open and a sleepy smile creeped on her face, Hannah propped herself up on her elbow_

 _'You leaving Clay' she asked sleepily_

 _'Looks like I have too'_

 _I got up from the bed and pulled the sheets over Hannah and tucked her in, her eyes were clouded with sleep and so were mine, I made it to her door and gripped the handle when I heard her soft voice speak up_

 _'Stay with me' she whispered_

 _'What'_

 _'Stay the night Clay' she suggested, flicking up a corner of the sheets. 'It already late, you might as well stay here'_

 _I had a choice; stay the night with the girl I loved or go home and face the consequence from my folks for being out so long without expiations. It was an east decision as I nodded my head and walked back over to the bed, slipping of my shoes I climbed in besides Hannah again as she threw herself on me like I was a personal pillow when I got comfortable_

 _'Prepare yourself for the best week of your life Hannah' I sighed gently_

 _'I'm gonna hold you to it Helmet' she whispered softly_

 _Hannah buried her face into my chest and gently placed a kiss on top of my heart, my heart turning into warm jello from the light contact, reaching over I softly placed a kiss on her forehead and wrapped an arm around her, keeping her close as I didn't want this warm fuzzy feeling to end any time soon. Maybe, just maybe we could find a way to be together somehow…._

* * *

The beanie felt soft in my hands while I brought it back up to my nose and took another sniff of it, it still smelt like Hannah as fresh tears started to roll down my cheeks. Trying to hold back the waterworks I placed the beanie back inside the memory box as I paced back and forth in my room

'What are you doing now Clay?' Justin asked

My thoughts were scrambled into millions of little pieces as I didn't know what to do or where to go next but I needed to make things right first. Walking over to the bedroom door I left our shared room

'I need to see mom' I called behind me

My stomach was in knots while ascending down the staircase to the foyer, I could hear my mom was still in the kitchen well after an hour I yelled at her, I wish I could take it all back as I stood by the door leading towards the kitchen

'Mom' I spoke softly, shocking myself how quiet it came out

My mother's gaze drifted up from the laptop that sat on the kitchen table to me but she wasn't really seeing me like parents do, just acknowledging my presence in the room

'If you've come to have another go at me Clay Jensen you're in for it when your father gets…..'

'I'm sorry' I interjected, stopping her from continuing on

My mom stopped working on her laptop and stood up from her chair, she stepped a few closer to me but I back away like some wounded animal, I could feel the tears forming in my eyes ready to fall when I couldn't hold it in much longer

'Okay' she spoke calmly

'I'm sorry that I lost my shit with you' I started

'Language' she interrupted

'Sorry' I sighed deeply. 'I didn't mean to lose my cool with you mom about the beanie, I shouldn't have ever talk to you like that, ever. You're my mom for god sake and I love you'

'I love you too sweetie' she replied warmly. 'But why did you get so upset about it honey? What's so special about that beanie?'

'It belongs to Hannah, she gave to me and it's the only thing I have left of her' I sobbed, feeling the salty tears stain my cheeks

'Are you ok Clay?'

'Not really mom'

My mom stepped forward and held me in a tight embrace, locking her arms around me so I couldn't escape while I clung to her loosely. I could see the tears in my mother's eyes as she kept them back, I knew she was still worried about me and even more so now than ever, I didn't want to be this burden on her

'Everything will get better soon Clay, I promise. It just has too' she whispered

I nodded my head and buried it against my mom's chest, beyond the shoulder of her I saw Hannah standing alone in our kitchen, leaning back against the worktop with tears in her eyes also as she smiled weakly back at me. I gasped sharply and my breathing became jagged seeing her while I wrapped my arms tighter around my mother waist, not wanting to be let go of her embrace. I shut my eyes and thought of a happy time of my life with Hannah but there was two questions bugging me that would never be answered as I opened my eyes and saw her still stood there. Why won't she leave me alone, why won't she just talk to me like before...


	9. The Monet's mug

My friends and family concern for me grew deeper as the days pasted on by, I did noticed a slight change in everyone behaviour when they were around me on how they chose their next words wisely not to trigger a unknown reaction out of me. They would talk in quiet whispers when I weren't in the room about me but I acted like I didn't know when I did apon returning, I guess things can never be the same ever again

After grabbing a hot chocolate and a couple of grilled cheese toasties to go from Monet's me and Tony walked back to my place. Why didn't we drive back? Good question, Tony thought it would be best to get some fresh air and help clear my mind but I knew there was a hidden motive behind this….

'Did my mom put you up to this Tony' I asked curiously, breaking the silent that fell over since we left Monet's a block and half ago

'She didn't actually'

I raised a brow suggestively at his last words and bitten into my cheese toasties, burning the tip of my tongue in the process but it was well worth it to taste that warm gooey cheese, I'll forever keep burning my taste buds to keep doing this

'Alright brother' he sighed gently, taking a sip of his coffee. 'She might have had a word in my ear but we haven't really caught up with each other lately'

'Kind of my fault as well you know, you're my first brother after all' I admitted. 'I should be able to turn to you as well when I need you'

'You can call me anytime of the day or night if you just want to talk; I'm always here for you'

'I know Tony'

I nodded my head and felt a new presence appear besides on the sidewalk, Hannah adjusted her beanie and scarf that was on her. I guess she wanted to check in on me as well and to make sure I get home safe as the three of us walked back to my place as there was no explanation on why she was here

'Do you want to hang out some night Clay?'

'Yeah why not, I haven't been down yours in ages' I exclaimed. 'But what would we do'

'We can take the Mustang for a drive' he admitted'. 'I might even let you get behind the wheel'

'You seriously getting to let me drive her'

Tony nodded his head and took a sip of his coffee; I can already imagine myself behind the wheel of that sweet ride

'You're the best brother ever'

'I only aim to please'

'But why now tho'

'You look a little deflated recently and I thought letting you drive my baby will put a smile back on your face'

We finally made it back to my house and I saw Hannah smiled warmly at me as she halted to a stop outside the house, Tony and I walked up the stairs but Hannah didn't follow as her presence was gone from my side. I turned around and she was gone again now as I rushed down the steps and looked down the ends of my streets

'You ok Clay' he asked curiously

'Yeah I'm fine'

'What are you looking for?'

'Nothing…. anymore' I said sadly

I turned back on my heel and caught with Tony on the steps on the porch, the house was cold when we entered and no sound of life could be seen or heard downstairs so we went upstairs to my room is search for Justin. He was sat on the small couch in the room playing the newest Assassin's Creed Odyssey on my PlayStation

'You wanna play' he asked, not averting his gaze from the tv

'Nah I'm good' I informed him as Tony and I sat down next on the couch

We watched as Justin continued playing Assassin's Creed when I gave him his slightly warm cheese toasties, he bite into the soft bread and moaned loudly like he was on the brink of a food orgasm

'Why won't you ever take me to Monet's Clay' he groaned, taking another bite. 'You go and talk about Monet's all the time and their toasties are so damn good'

'You won't like it there; you're not a coffee lover. They won't have Gatorade or protein bars on the menu for you to choose'

'It still would have been nice to been asked if I wanted to come along' he sighed. 'Especially being all home alone'

'You can come next time when Clay and I go next' Tony interjected, taking the controller from his gasp and playing Odyssey

'Where are mom and dad by the way?' I asked curiously

'They've gone out for the day and won't be back by dinner time which means we got the whole place to ourselves'

I nodded my head and walked over to the other side of my bedroom to retrieve the memory box, sitting back down next to Justin I peeled off the lid and looked inside. Maybe something in here will give me any clues to why I'm seeing Hannah again….

'Clay' Justin spoke softly, gaining half of my attention from the box while I rummaged inside the box loosely

'Umm….'

'Why is there a Monet's mug inside the memory box with a poem in it?'

Justin fully grabbed my attention now as the mug in the box was always showing its plain side and never the printed logo. I've never told anyone about the poem in the cup not even Tony even when I've shown him this all before

'You've been going through my things Justin' I snapped loudly. 'You're all in league with each other aint you. One of you to get me out of the house while the other checks all my things like I'm hiding someone from you lot'

'No Clay, we would never that to you' Tony assured, placing his hand on my shoulder

'Then how did you know about the mug and the poem'

'I looked inside the memory box and the mug just peaked my curiosity, I need to know what's next and what happened between you and Hannah that everyone doesn't seem to know about'

'You know it's hard for me to talk about' I admitted. 'I will tell you everything in due course'

'Okay Clay' Tony replied, patting his hand on my shoulder

'Just one question' Justin proclaimed

'Go on'

'Who wrote that poem Clay?'

'Jesus Justin who's telling this story me or you' I stated. 'And who do you think'

'Hannah'

I nodded my head and looked down at the mug again while rubbing my thumb over the logo, unfolding the paper inside the mug I reread Hannah's poem and her talent was there for all to see, Hannah was so gifted she could have been anything she wanted to be.

Noticing the shadow of another figure in the room I looked up and found Hannah perched on the edge of my bed. Her vision fixated on the tv before her gaze met mine and our eyes locked with each other than her smile widen when she saw the poem in my hand…..

* * *

 _After padlocking my bike in the rack outside of Monet's I waited for Hannah to arrive soon, I know I said to her to prepare for the best week of her life but I think we need to start things slow first instead of jumping head first for what I have planned for us_

 _Fifteen minutes later had passed since I arrived and still Hannah was nowhere to be seen, I contemplated texting her to see if she was running late but my mind thought of the worst, what if she's been in an accident getting here. Shaking those evil thoughts out of my head I knew my anxiety was going into overdrive by the wondering eyes in the coffee shop for the loser stood outside for so long_

 _'_ _Where are you Hannah' I muttered under my breathe_

 _I reached into my jean pocket and pulled out my phone, wording a text Hannah I didn't want to sound overbearing as I deleted it all and started over when a pair of hands landed over my eyes from behind. Blinding my sight but the aroma of her perfume was a giveaway to who it was as my smile grew immensely_

 _'_ _Guess who' a feminine voice asked_

 _'_ _Seriously'_

 _'_ _Yes' she demanded. 'Now guess'_

 _'_ _My best friend not doubt' I smiled_

 _'_ _You're warm but keep guessing' she insisted_

 _'_ _Who likes to make me worry and be anxious about her all the time?' I teased_

 _'_ _You're so cold now' she moaned, shattering her teeth by my ear_

 _'_ _I know'_

 _'_ _And' Hannah replied instantly_

 _'_ _A best friend Clay Jensen could ever hope for'_

 _'_ _You're absolutely right'_

 _Hannah finally removed her hands from my eyes as I turned around to see her, without even thinking for a second I stepped forward and embraced her warmly, wrapping my arms around her waist as I lifted her off the ground and spun Hannah around before setting her back down again_

 _'_ _Someone is happy to see me then' she smiled_

 _I nodded my head and Hannah giggled lightly, her beautiful voice always made me lost in her like she was the only thing I saw in the world. Stepping back I noticed what Hannah was wearing tonight and my smile grew again_

 _'_ _Hey you're wearing it' I stated happily, seeing my once owned hoodie on her_

 _'_ _It's my favourite thing to wear Helmet' Hannah replied while wrapping her arms around herself. 'Shall we'_

 _Hannah gestured towards the doors of Monet's and I nodded my head, grabbing the handle of the door I held it open for her like the true gentleman she says I am, bowing a little for her like royalty she was Hannah giggled lightly and shook her head at my gesture_

 _The coffee shop was awfully busy than usual tonight as there was an open poetry and literature night going on in the main foyer of the shop for inspiring poets and writers to share their work. We walked up some steps to the upper reaches of the shop and sat down by the window_

 _'_ _What would M'lady like to drink?' I asked_

 _'_ _You're such a dork' she laughed. 'I'll have a hot chocolate please kind sir with extra chocolate sprinkles'_

 _'_ _Extra chocolate sprinkles' I mimed back_

 _I walked back down to the counter passing poets and writers in the foyer when I finally reached the countertop; I jumped back in astonishment to see Skye Miller working behind the bar. Her angry expression turned into warm smile when she finally noticed me_

 _'_ _Clay Jensen drinking coffee I thought I'd never live to see the day'_

 _'_ _Well…I'm not here for a coffee so sorry to disappoint'_

 _'_ _And here is me thinking I might get the chance to brush up on my barista skills'_

 _'_ _I didn't know you worked here tho'_

 _'_ _Just started here last week, my mom thought it would be great to get a job that's sociable to help interact with other human beings instead of being cooped up by myself so here I am'_

 _'_ _I know the feeling Skye when I first started at the Crestmont but I'm glad I'm working there now, kinda brought me out of my shell you know'_

 _'_ _That I can see' she exclaimed, raising her brows_

 _I nodded my head while Skye pursed her lips as awkward tension fell between us, our small talking dying quickly than it started. A sixth sense kicked in as I felt eyes on my back from behind as a que was forming_

 _'_ _What can I getcha' she asked_

 _'_ _Two hot chocolates please and one with extra chocolate sprinkles'_

 _'_ _Extra chocolate sprinkles, I'll see what I can do'_

 _Skye started making my drink order and some others as well while I stood to the side of the counter waiting, my gaze landed on Hannah and she was writing into a notebook, she looked up from her notebook and our gaze locked, she smiled widely and was the only person I saw in the room, like everyone had disappeared into thin air in the shop_

 _'_ _I see that you're hanging out with Baker again' Skye proclaimed, dragging me out of my thoughts_

 _'_ _She has a first name you know, Hannah. Use it in future'_

 _'_ _First names seem to….close Jensen'_

 _'_ _We were friends once Skye, what changed between us'_

 _'_ _Life. My outlook on it and people we become instead of once were' she explained. 'I'd be careful if I were you Clay she'll ruin you, you know'_

 _'_ _How so' I huffed deeply_

 _'_ _She's the class slut Jensen, open your eyes. You know the rumours she's been with Justin and Alex and….'_

 _'_ _You can't know rumours you can hear them but you can't know them' I defended_

 _'_ _You don't believe the rumours about her are true then?'_

 _'_ _I'll believe whatever comes from her Skye she's my best friend' I admitted. 'And besides I thought you were all for woman supporting woman so why are you slut shaming her then'_

 _I was astonished the words come out of my mouth instead of shouting them angrily inside of my head afterwards; Skye was a taken back that I came to Hannah's defence while the old Clay would have taken it and cried about in private_

 _'_ _I don't expect that from you of all people. You know what it's like to be in her shoes and Hannah doesn't deserve the shit she gets from those…assholes at Liberty' I admitted. 'If you got to know her like I do then you'll know who she really is'_

 _Shaking my head while walking away from the counter I saw Skye bow her head in shame but I didn't look back at Skye for more of her reaction, I made my way over to Hannah and plopped down beside her on the couch that made her giggle_

 _'_ _What took you so long Helmet?'_

 _'_ _Though I would go and personally make your chocolate sprinkles myself' I exclaimed_

 _'_ _You're such a gentleman I don't deserve you'_

 _'_ _Oh you do Hannah' I admitted_

 _Hannah reached for the couch cushion behind her and whacked me across the face and then my chest, knocking the cushion out of her hands I wrapped my arms around while we giggled and rocked back on forth. Skye joined our table a few minutes later with a tray in her hands and placed down our hot chocolates and a plate of cookies_

 _'_ _I didn't order those Skye' I stated, looking down at the cookies then her_

 _'_ _I know' she replied, nodding her head. 'It's on the house Clay, enjoy your evening'_

 _'_ _Thanks Skye that's really nice of you' Hannah interjected_

 _'_ _You're welcome Baker…I mean Hannah' she corrected, feeling my gaze on her_

 _Skye smiled attentively before walked away and getting back to her other customers, I grabbed an oatmeal cookie and felt Hannah's stare on me as I turned towards her_

 _'_ _What'_

 _'_ _Feed me Clay' she exclaimed playfully_

 _'_ _You're such a child' I laughed lightly, shaking my head_

 _Hannah nodded her head while I placed my cookie near her mouth as she took a bite, we feed each other a cookie in turns until there was none left, I couldn't help but notice Hannah's pink notebook sat on the coffee table. I wonder what she was writing in it this evening…._

 _While we drank our hot chocolate Hannah ruffled down the sleeves of her hoodie and wrapped them around herself, taking off the beanie from my head I looked down at it before turning towards Hannah_

 _'_ _Can I ask you something Hannah?'_

 _'_ _Anything Helmet'_

 _'_ _You seriously don't mind me having your signature beanie do you, I mean I understand if you want it back'_

 _'_ _Helmet I do have other replacement beanie at home for that one but I want you to have my favourite one' she explained. 'You're my favourite person in the world so you deserve to have it and a part of me will always be with you'_

 _I smiled sweetly as I placed the beanie on top of my head; Hannah fixed the look of it and slid her fingers through my hair, trying her best to style my helmet hair_

 _'_ _If you grew your hair out a bit and style it you could look like a hipster Clay' Hannah stated_

 _'_ _A hipster'_

 _'_ _You'd have to let me style you and pick out some new cloths for you'_

 _'_ _And become your personal man doll to play around with I'm good thanks Hannah'_

 _'_ _I'm serious Clay but you would have to ditch the hoodies'_

 _'_ _That's never going to happen Hannah. It's my style it's what makes me, me.' I exclaimed. 'Anyway you'd just steal all my hoodies if I were to ditch them all'_

 _Hannah raised her brow suggestively like she hadn't stole any of my cloths before and I come up with unfair accusations, the smirk on her lips were playful as she cuddled up in the warmth of the hoodie trying to make me jealous_

 _'_ _What I meant was I'd gladly give to you Hannah if you wanted them' I interjected quickly_

 _'_ _Nice save Helmet' she replied, sipping on her hot chocolate. 'But are you ok with me having this'_

 _'_ _Yeah I'm totally ok with it. I've got a few spare at home and I've been eyeing up a new Avengers hoodie'_

 _'_ _That's so totally mine if you get it'_

 _'_ _Here's an idea how about I buy us matching hoodies instead of you stealing another one from me' I smirked_

 _Hannah shook her head in annoyance and pulled down the beanie over my face, I laughed lightly behind the soft material and removed it from my vision. Hannah smiled wickedly while trying to hold back her laugh, I stuck my tongue out and made faces at her until she broke her resistance and laughed also….._

 _Hannah's pink notebook sat on the coffee table and my curiosity peaked to just have a quick sneaky look inside, one glance wouldn't hurt anyone and Hannah wouldn't know. I grabbed a hold of her notebook and glanced through the pages, nothing really grabbing my attention till I came across a poem on the last page, I started reading the first stanza carefully and dropped the book immediately behind me when Hannah came back from the ladies room_

 _'_ _Tonight is not what I had in mind at all Helmet' she proclaimed. 'I thought you promised me a week of fun and one I'll never forget'_

 _'_ _Patience my dear lady' I exclaimed. 'We wouldn't be wanting to have too much fun to early'_

 _'_ _You're an absolute dork Helmet'_

 _Hannah searched around the coffee table then her backpack for her notebook and became flustered when she couldn't find it; I pretended to search around me and claimed it was behind a pillow when I showed Hannah where it was_

 _'_ _Thanks Helmet what would I do without you'_

 _'_ _I really don't know' I replied, shrugging my shoulders_

 _Hannah started flipping through the pages of her notebook and stopped at her last written page, that page was the poem I started reading before she came back. Hannah took out her pen and finished off the last little bit of her poem before smiling down happily at her work_

 _'_ _Why are you smiling?'_

 _'_ _Why shouldn't I smile Helmet' she sighed. 'Must there be a reason to smile nowadays'_

 _'_ _There should never be a reason not too' I replied. 'Just curious what you written down to put that smile on your face'_

 _'_ _Oh it's…nothing really'_

 _'_ _A million stars up in the sky' I proclaimed, trying to remember it right from memory_

 _Hannah's jaw had dropped to the floor in astonishment as I remember the first couple of words from her poem; maybe I shouldn't have said that to Hannah until she was ready to show me her work first_

 _'_ _How did you….' She paused frantically like a deer caught in some headlights, flicking through her notebook again quickly to the poem. 'Helmet, did you…read my poem'_

 _'_ _I don't want you to think the worst of me but I've seen you write in that notebook of yours for most of the night but I just got curious what you written down'_

 _'_ _Helmet did you read it' she demanded_

 _I nodded my head while Hannah groaned loudly and shielded her eyes with her pink notebook in embarrassment; gently placing my hand on Hannah's arm assuringly I gently rubbed my thumb on the inside of her arm and coaxed her to lower her shield down_

 _'_ _For what it's worth I thought it was really good Hannah'_

 _'_ _You're just saying that because we're best friends and don't want to hurt my feelings' she exclaimed. 'Did you read all of it?'_

 _'_ _I only read the first stanza of the poem and I'm not just saying that because we're best friends I really mean it'_

 _'_ _I don't think it's that great to be honest Clay, nothing special or brilliant it's just awful'_

 _'_ _Nothing special, I thought it was really good even tho I read the first bit. You really under estimate your talent Hannah, you have a gift' I assured_

 _Hannah smiled weakly at my kind words but my body knew what do to comfort her, my left arm reached around her shoulders and pulled Hannah closer to me, both of our bodies bumping into each other nervously. I immediately regretted my actions as Hannah froze solid for a few moments and my mind went blank to what to say next to comfort her, she startled me by laying her head down on my shoulder and leaning into my touch_

 _'_ _You think I'm talented' she spoke softly_

 _'_ _Trust me I know talent when I see it before my very eyes Hannah'_

 _'_ _I'm just not comfortable with people reading my stuff and making a mockery of it' she replied, brushing back a stand of hair behind her ear_

 _'_ _You've got nothing to be afraid of Hannah if you ever decide to release your work to the world, I'd back you up and defend it if someone did' I admitted, locking my gaze with her. 'I'd be your biggest supporter ever and I know how much you want to be a writer, I would be at every opening release of your work and first in line to get your signature. That's how much I believe in you and your work Hannah'_

 _Hannah's eyes started to puffy red and tears were held back, happy tears in her eyes as I could feel mine started to water after I admitted what I truly felt about her work even if it was one stanza, my left hand gripped a hold of her shoulder tightly and I gave a reassuring squeeze before gently rubbing her arm up and down_

 _'_ _You just know how to say the right thing Helmet'_

 _'_ _Well I try too'_

 _She giggled lightly and held the closed notebook in her arm as I wiped away a few tears that spilled down her cheeks. In the foyer of Monet's a guy in his mid-twenties had announced if anyone in the whole coffee shop would like share their work nor matter of how good or bad it maybe but to give self-confidence to the author to share their work. I turned towards to Hannah immediately and she shook her head vigorously no_

 _'_ _Why not Hannah' I exclaimed_

 _'_ _I can't do it. Not in front of all those people'_

 _'_ _You can Hannah I'll be in the front row' I assured her. 'Just keep your eyes locked with me when you read your poem and won't feel alone up there'_

 _Hannah nodded her head and gained her composure before I raised my arm in the air and gained the organiser attention, a small around of applause started as we walked down to the group in the foyer, I managed to grab a seat in the front row while Hannah composed herself and flicked to the right page in her notebook_

 _'_ _Apologises in advance if this isn't any good' she informed everyone_

 _Hannah's eyes scanned the whole room as she was now the sole focus of everyone in the coffee shop, even the ones who weren't there for the open night. Her fingers tapped against the notebook nervously and I knew her anxiety was getting the best of her, I snapped my fingers gently towards Hannah to gain her attention , my index and middle finger pointing towards her eyes and then mine switching back and forth_

 _'_ _Keep your eyes on me' I whispered softly_

 _Hannah nodded her head and cleared out her throat, steeping towards the crowd and looked down at her notebook, waiting for the right moment to indulge everyone with her talent_

 _'_ _A billion stars up in the sky. Ours shines brighter I can't deny. A love so precious, a love so pure and true, a love that comes from me to you' she began, swallowing deeply. 'We share the nights together filling it with laughter and tears, watching the moon together and dancing with no fear. Those nights I will cherish the most, hoping to make more with my best friend that I love the most'_

 _'_ _When I say I love you, please believe it's true. When I say forever, know I'll never leave you. When I say goodbye, promise me you won't cry, because the day I'll be saying that will be the day I die'_

 _Hannah looked up from her notebook and felt the hundreds of eyes on her; the fear was setting in as her bottom lip started to quiver. Hannah finally locked her gaze with mine and I gave her a reassuring smile to continue on if she can, she nodded her head and looked down at her notebook_

 _'_ _You look at me as if I'm the only girl in the world. You make me feel important and give me self-worth, listen to my heart as it screams your name Clay. Look into my eyes as you fix my hidden pain. Just kiss my lips and let's disappear, we can run away far from here'_

 _'_ _I always knew that love would come find me someday, but never did I know that it would be you who was headed my way. You caught me off guard and took me by surprise, but you simply captivated me, the same way you do when I look into your blue eyes. I know forever you'll never leave my side' Hannah admitted_

 _The moment Hannah finished her poem I leaped out of my chair and put my hands together loudly, the rest of the crowd in the foyer joined me in applause as Hannah stepped down off the stage and jumped into my embrace. I held her tightly in my arms and ushered her to one side of the coffee shop so I could speak to her alone_

 _'_ _You were amazing up there Hannah'_

 _'_ _I can't believe I just did that' she exclaimed happily. 'It felt so amazing Helmet, thank you for persuading me to go up there'_

 _'_ _Where did you learn to write like that?'_

 _'_ _I had a few tips from Ryan Shaver'_

 _'_ _The guy with the zine' I stated. 'Was you poem about someone in particular'_

 _'_ _Maybe' she smirked, playfully bumping into my side_

 _'_ _Come on let me buy you another drink' I replied, draping my arm over her shoulders_

 _We walked back up to the counter and waited to be served by another barrister as Skye had gone home for the night, when I finally placed our order of hot chocolate and chocolate chip muffins the manager turned around from the bar and blew some confetti cannons in the air. The bang of the cannon startled both me and Hannah as we bumped into each other's side_

 _'_ _Congratulations you're our millionth customers' the manager exclaimed happily_

 _Hannah and I turned to face each other in shock that we were the millionth customer of this fairly new coffee shop that open a few years ago. We turned back to the manager as she pulled up some gifts from behind the bar_

 _'_ _As you're our millionth it's only fitting that you get one of kind only coffee mugs' she smiled warmly at us_

 _She handed both of us our personalised coffee mugs and our one year free coupon of food and drinks from Monet's, she gave us our hot chocolate and muffins free on the house as we went back to our couch in the coffee shop to be alone for the rest of the evening…._

 _After spending most of our night at Monet's I walked Hannah home safely while pushing my bike along besides me, Hannah held our gifts from Monet's on the dimly lit walk back to hers_

 _'_ _So what else have you got planned for us for the rest of summer vacation'_

 _'_ _You'll have to wait and see Hannah. No spoilers'_

 _She groaned loudly and bumped into my side again in annoyance, I laughed deeply and Hannah rolled her eyes as we reached her home, the house was dark and the Jeep was nowhere to be seen in the street, The Bakers must be still be at the store closing up_

 _'_ _Helmet' she spoke softly_

 _'_ _Yeah' I replied, turning to face her_

 _'_ _I want you to have this'_

 _Hannah placed the mugs in my hands as I rest my bike against the side of her fence; she ripped the poem out of her notebook and folded it inside my mug, Hannah kissed my cheek softly and took back her mug_

 _'_ _You were right what you said earlier about the poem being about someone in particular 'Hannah smiled_

 _'_ _Me'_

 _Hannah nodded her head as we kissed each other's cheek and bided goodbye for the night, I promised to text her the moment I got home safely as I looked down at the poem in the mug. I can't believe she wrote a poem about me as I smiled widely on the walk home…._

* * *

I placed the mug back inside the memory box again and left it on the nightstand, feeling exhausted and tired from telling them about that night I got up from the couch and laid down on my bed, maybe I just need some sleep to clear my head after some restless nights recently .

'Clay, you ok buddy' Tony asked concernedly

'I'm fine' I replied softly

Justin had switched out the game in the PlayStation and put in NBA 2K19 so Tony could play with him on the console, they were engrossed into the game when I saw a figure stood behind them. I blinked several times to a make sure I was seeing straight when Hannah turned back to look at me, she walked over to my bed and laid down opposite me , our faces inches apart from each other's as our eyes locked with one another

'Please talk to me Hannah' I whispered softly

Hannah never said a word but motioned to the beaded bracelet on my wrist that slipped out from underneath my hoodie sleeve, I pulled the sleeve back up to cover it from Tony and Justin's view if they turned around suddenly

'Why won't you say anything' I pleaded

Hannah had tears in her eyes as I could feel my own coming on soon, she reached over with her hand on my cheek while trying to thumb away my tears, I leaned into her invisible touch and remember what it felt like not so long ago , my Hannah holding me while I drifted off into silent sobbing sleep….


	10. The Needle

Today was gonna be a long and patient wait ahead as I didn't even get chance to have a proper breakfast down me to build my strength up for it, I was bundled into the back of Tony's red Mustang when it arrived at my front door really early in the morning, my parents were still asleep in bed and none the wise of our plans so I guess it will have to be a surprise for them when we get back. I quietly sat in the back seat eating my peanut butter toast as we headed to our next stop….

I think I finally managed to figure out why I was seeing Hannah again everywhere I went, she only turns up when I'm feeling down and alone. It can't just be because of the memory box right? I still haven't figured out why she hasn't spoken to me yet since I started seeing her

Looking down at the passenger seat the memory box sat beside me as I placed my hand over it, everything seem to be a blur as the outside world drowned out from me like I was trapped in my own little bubble. I turned to my right and saw Hannah sat in the back of the Mustang with me, guess my theory must be right then

'Hannah' I whispered softly

She turned her head to face me when I called her; Hannah reached over with her left hand and placed it above mine over the memory box. My breath hitched in my throat at her invisible touch as it felt so real to the bone that it can't be true

'You ok Clay' Tony asked, glancing back at me through the courtesy mirror

I snapped out of my own little bubble and Hannah was still sat beside me, looking ahead in front of me I saw we were getting close to our next stop soon

'I'm good Tony' I replied robotically every time I'm asked how I'm doing

'You sure' he sighed deeply, raising a brow

I nodded my head at Tony's kind and caring nature, maybe he was seeing past my fake smiles and false bravado that I was ok with the world when I clearly wasn't. Maybe someday I won't feel like this anymore and get past this stage in my life

'I see that you brought the memory box with you' Tony commented, looking at the box through the mirror

'Yeah, kinda need Hannah's courage' I exclaimed. 'You don't mind do you?'

'Why would I mind?' he stated, raising both of his brows like I had asked the most stupid question in the whole world

'When we get there I'll leave the box in the car I don't want to embarrass you or Justin with it in the shop carrying it around'

'You can never embarrass us Clay. Bring the box if want too' Justin interjected, smiling weakly at me as he turned around

'I think it's sweet that you still want to remember Hannah in your own way when I'm sure most of Liberty have forgotten about her' Tony replied

'I can never forget her' I sighed deeply

I turned towards Hannah and saw her smile at my true feelings for her, Hannah's hand was still above mine and I wished so deeply that I could intertwine our fingers together like I did those many nights ago to the place we were heading now….

Tony pulled up the Mustang alongside the curb and in front of the building; I placed the memory box down on the floor of the car. the store had just opened up for business for the today and we were their first appointment. We climbed out of the vehicle and entered the store; Hannah had disappeared from my side as I followed Tony's lead into the store as he made the appointment

'Welcome to Karl's Tattoo Parlour, how may I help you' the woman behind the desk greeted warmly

'Hi, I got three appointments under the name Padilla'

The receptionist scrolled thought the appointment book on the computer and motioned for us to take a seat after finding the name. A few moments later the owner Karl appeared from out of the back and brought us through, I wonder if he'll remember me from a year ago standing outside his parlour.

Tony, Justin and I were all sat in our individual chairs after being shaven on where we wanted our tattoos done; we gave the artist our tattoo designs and templates and let them set to work with theirs guns on our bodies

'I still can't believe you're having Jessica's name tattooed on your forearm' Tony muttered

'What's wrong with that?' Justin exclaimed, sipping down his water

'That's so corny it's unreal' he stated. 'Want you gonna do if you guys break up in the future'

'Tony does have a point' I interjected, raising a brow at him

'Why are both ganging up on me for, for my tattoo choice' Justin protested. 'I'll tattoo over with a picture of a lion if we do split'

'Anyway, how are you feeling Clay? Getting your first tattoo done' Tony asked

'You holding up ok with the pain Clay, you can stop you know anytime you like' Justin added

I nodded my head as the pain of the needle kept jabbing into my forearm, I had gotten used to the pain when I'd got my semicolon tattoo not so long ago but I hadn't showed them both that either. Wondering if I should corrected them both on my first secret hidden tattoo on my ring finger on my left hand, moving my other fingers out of the way I looked down at the dried ink on the side of my finger

'This isn't the first tattoo I've got on me' I informed them both

'When did you get your first done Clay?' Tony asked

'In the summer before Hannah died, we both did together'

Tony and Justin's mouth dropped and gasped deeply by my hidden rebellious side, they both knew my mom would freak if she knew what I done to myself a year and half ago. Me and Justin coming home tonight with our new tattoos will go down a treat with her then when she sees us

'How come we never noticed it before?' Justin asked

'It's a small tattoo' I replied. 'You wouldn't have noticed if I didn't show you where it was on me'

I dropped my index and middle finger out of sight from my ring fingers and showed them both my small tattoo that was hidden in plain sight. Hannah came back into view and sat down on a stool besides my chair, I looked down at the newest tattoo being inked on me when I felt Hannah grabbed a hold of my hand and intertwining our fingers together for comfort and support. I guess it's only fair that Justin and Tony knew the true meaning behind my first tattoo…..

* * *

 _During the same shift Hannah and I shared at the Crestmont on one summer evening by some unfortunate circumstances there was a power blackout at the theater, all power was gone and the fuses had blown. Our manager Mr Brady had sent all employees home for the day and foreseeable future till the fuses were repaired_

 _I waited outside the Crestmont for Hannah to appear while I unlocked my bike from the rake, she came out of the door a few minutes later, Hannah lifted up her long locks that got trapped underneath her backpack straps and let them fall over her shoulder. Hannah stopped in her tracks and smiled warmly when she noticed me stood anxiously by the side of the road_

 _'_ _You waiting for me Helmet' Hannah enquired_

 _'_ _Thought I'd walk home Hannah'_

 _'_ _It's not that dark out to need an escort home'_

 _'_ _Safety first I guess' I proclaimed_

 _Sunset had just started and it was very still light out, we had a few hours left before we agreed to meet up tonight but I didn't want to spend another second away from her than I had done most of the summer._

 _'_ _Safety' she repeated, mimicking my voice. 'Nice save Helmet'_

 _Hannah walked up to me and linked her arm through mine as we walked down the street as I pushed my bike along back to her home. During our walk back we talked about our plans for tonight and the rest of summer vacation, I kept teasing her with ludicrous plans that weren't possible as I kept my card close to my chest while Hannah constantly asked about it…._

 _My eyes caught the attention of the aluminous sign in the shop front of a black painted building; I motioned Hannah closer to the window to have a look. The window was littered with photos of incredible tattoo designs_

 _'_ _You thinking of getting a tattoo Helmet'_

 _'_ _I've always wanted to get one' I replied_

 _'_ _What kind of design did you have in mind?'_

 _'_ _I'm not really sure yet but I do want to get inked soon'_

 _'_ _My Helmet is changing too much' she exclaimed. 'What's brought this new enigma Clay Jensen on?'_

 _'_ _Well, we're entering junior year soon and I feel like changing'_

 _'_ _Changing?' Hannah stated, raising her brows_

 _'_ _Being someone new, someone different' I explained. 'I want to break out of this stereotype I have over me, that quiet nerd or that loner'_

 _'_ _What's wrong in being you?' she asked_

 _'_ _Nothing I guess. I think I just need that little push to come out of my shell and be someone else' I stated_

 _Hannah curled her arm tighter around mine and rested her head against my shoulder, soon her warmth radiated over to my body as I could sense she was worried I would change into someone else. If I were to have a personality transplant and change my status at Liberty High somehow I would never abandon my best friend's side for sure_

 _'_ _I like you just the way you are Clay Jensen' she sighed contently. 'Please don't ever change'_

 _'_ _I won't' I assured her, resting my forehead on the top of her soft curly brown hair. 'Not ever to you Hannah'_

 _Hannah still clutched to my arm on the walk back to her home, we continued to talk about anything and everything before settling on a game to play, who would you rather be. We gave each other the weirdest combinations and it came hard to pick the lesser of two evils to rather be…._

 _A few hours later after getting changed into something more comfortable we hung out in Hannah's bedroom and ransacked the cupboards in the kitchen for snacks but nothing took our fancy, we decided to go to the store so we could really feast out tonight during our movie marathon_

 _'_ _You're parents really don't mind me staying over the night' I asked again for the hundredth time_

 _'_ _Why would they mind? We're best friends Helmet'_

 _'_ _Well we haven't really met yet and I don't want them to think what is some boy doing in the daughter's bedroom if they walk in'_

 _'_ _Well learn to roll quickly under my bed then Helmet' she teased, bumping into my side playfully_

 _'_ _Hannah' I groaned, shaking my head as a small laughter escaped from me. 'I'm serious'_

 _'_ _They do know of you Clay and I would love to introduce you to them someday hopefully'_

 _'_ _They know of me'_

 _'_ _My parents may not be around me much but I do speak of you to them, they know we work together at the Crestmont'_

 _'_ _Such high praise' I teased_

 _'_ _I'm serious Helmet; they know we hang out together all the time and you are my friend, my only friend to be exact' she exclaimed, a teary sheen glazing her eyes while she held them back. 'They just can't put a face to the name when it comes to you Clay'_

 _'_ _Come on that's not true, I'm not your only friend Hannah'_

 _'_ _But it is Helmet everyone else are just social acquaintances in my life' she explained. 'They just know me through my so called reputation which is pure bullshit and not like you do, you see past all the rumours and see me for me'_

 _'_ _That's what best friends are for Hannah, to pick you up when you're feeling down' I replied_

 _'_ _That you do so well' she added. 'I don't know what I would do without you'_

 _I nodded my head casually when my attention was grabbed by the aluminous glow of some led lights of a shop sign, coming to a halt I looked up at the sign when I felt Hannah stand beside me and look up at the shop sign as well. We were back where we were during the day, stood outside the tattoo parlour_

 _'_ _Let's go in' Hannah suggested_

 _'_ _Are you crazy! We'll get thrown out'_

 _'_ _There's no harm in looking at designs' she protested, linking her arm through mine_

 _Hannah had more strength then I would have given her credit for as she tugged on my arm to follow her, as usual I wasn't well balanced on my feet as I stumbled over myself while entering the shop, Hannah giggled silently at my awkwardness. The tattoo shop was quiet and empty tonight as we were the only customers in the building this late; a tattoo artist with a large bushy beard was sat behind the reception desk going over some stencil designs. He didn't bat an eyelash as we continued looking around the shop at the designs on the walls_

 _'_ _See anything you like Helmet' Hannah asked, her eyes scanning the walls slowly_

 _'_ _Not really'_

 _There were so many designs to choose from a large tribal template to small meaningful tattoo, I was in two minds in what I really wanted but I had a couple of years left to decide my first ink job done on me. I wondered over to Hannah who was looking at moon tattoo designs_

 _'_ _Found something you like' I asked_

 _'_ _That's a cute one' Hannah pointed out_

 _I followed her finger direction to one particular moon design; it had an eight worded message above the crescent of the moon. 'I love you to the moon and back'. The twinkle in Hannah's eyes I knew she had just chosen her first ink job_

 _'_ _Not as cute as me showing you the penumbral lunar eclipse'_

 _'_ _No not as cute as that night Helmet' she smiled happily; I knew she was replaying the memory of that night in her mind. 'I'd love to do something like that again'_

 _'_ _Well the next penumbral lunar eclipse aint until 2020 so….'_

 _'_ _I can wait that long to see it again with you Helmet'_

 _'_ _Cool'_

 _We both turned our heads at the same time and our gaze locked, I stepped a little closer to her and Hannah didn't back away. My gaze dropped to her lips then back to her eyes, in that quick glance I caught Hannah doing the same. Now was the right time to say something to Hannah, admit my feelings for her when we were finally all alone_

 _'_ _Hannah' I spoke softly_

 _'_ _Clay'_

 _'_ _There's something I need to tell you' I gulped loudly. 'Hannah I…'_

 _'_ _You two find anything you like' the bearded artist asked_

 _Hannah and I both stepped away from each other awkwardly when he approached us; I combed the back of my hair nervously with the side of my palm as Hannah scratched the top of her curly brown hair_

 _'_ _Just browsing' Hannah chimed_

 _'_ _Are you two even old enough to be even in here?' the man questioned_

 _Hannah looked down to the ground sheepishly as I stood nervously next to her, any words that form inside of me dead on the tongue while nothing came out, I met the bushy guy's gaze as I licked my lips before I ran with the first words that came from me_

 _'_ _Not really but we're near enough eighteen'_

 _'_ _You do know I could lose my licence and face a hefty fine if I did a tattoo on you' he informed us. 'Let alone face misdemeanour offense or felony charges'_

 _'_ _We were only looking at something small' Hannah interjected nervously_

 _'_ _But still Miss….'_

 _'_ _Didn't you do something like this with your best friend when you knew you were underage Sir?' I exclaimed_

 _The bearded artist sighed heavily while turning his forearm over and looking down on the covered arm filled with different designs everywhere over, his index and middle fingers swept over a black spider on his arm that his showed us both_

 _'_ _I got this done with my best friend when we turned seventeen; both of us were Spiderman fanatics so we knew we wanted a spider tattoo as our first' he admitted. 'Is she your best friend?'_

 _'_ _She's more than my best friend, she's my everything' I sighed happily_

 _Hannah wrapped both of her arms around my right arm and lightly leaned her forehead against my shoulder; I could see her cheek blush red as she tried weakly to hide it from me as I gently rested my head against hers_

 _'_ _Alright if I tattoo you, you both can't say where you got it done or that I did it ok'_

 _'_ _Our lips are sealed' I informed him, Hannah and I mimicking to zip our lips closed_

 _The tattoo artist went to the front door of the shop and locked it shut; next he went to the blinds of the shop front windows and pulled the chain down to block the view of passer-by. The bearded artist finally came back to us as we looked through some books at some small designs_

 _'_ _See anything you like in there' he inquired_

 _'_ _Not really Sir'_

 _'_ _Call me Karl' he introduced, shaking both of our hands. 'You'll know when you see it, what you want that is'_

 _I nodded my head while turning my gaze towards Hannah; she smiled warmly at me before turning back her attention to the books as we continued looking through_

 _'_ _Do you trust me Helmet?'_

 _'_ _Wait'_

 _'_ _Do you trust me?' she repeated again_

 _'_ _Of course I do, with my life'_

 _'_ _Then I think I got an idea for your first tattoo'_

 _'_ _That is a lot of trust I'm giving you Hannah' I exclaimed. 'You could give me anything, I mean I have to live with whatever embarrassing design you give me for the rest of my life'_

 _'_ _Just trust me will you Helmet' she admitted, leaning over and kissing my cheek_

 _'_ _Ok'_

 _I nodded my head while Hannah and Karl walked over to another table and started sketching down a design template, getting comfortable in the tattoo chair I waited anxiously for Karl and Hannah to come back. Karl placed on some black rubber gloves and started up his tattoo gun, Hannah showed me where my tattoo would go as I stretched out my ring finger on my left hand for Karl, he'd used a sharpie to trace out the design_

 _'_ _This may hurt a lot Clay but just say if you want to stop anytime for a break'_

 _'_ _Ok Karl'_

 _Karl grabbed his gun and pressed the machine's pedal underneath the chair to operate the gun, he started off slow with a liner needle for the outlines of the design. The pain was killing me inside as I clenched my right hand tightly, this may have been a bad idea after all. Hannah grabbed my closed hand and gently untangled them; she placed her hand in mine and squeezed softly to distract me from the pain_

 _'_ _Just breathe Helmet' Hannah instructed_

 _'_ _We're almost done Clay with the outline'_

 _Karl finished touching up the outlines of the design before switching over to a shader needle and coloured something in black, he washed the needle and grabbed some red American rose colour and shaded something else_

 _'_ _No looking Helmet, it's a surprise' she snapped as I averted my gaze from her_

 _'_ _Ok Hannah'_

 _I couldn't help but peep again a few minutes later when Karl changed colour again to a deep indigo blue to what seems to be the final part of the design, I had no idea what Hannah had told him to put on me if I was having a small design that needed three colours…._

 _'_ _All done Clay you can look now' Karl informed me_

 _On my ring finger were the initials of H and B and then a shape of heart coloured in red followed lastly by the infinity sign on the end. I looked up at Hannah as she bit her lips nervously for my reaction for her design; I smiled widely at her before looking back down at my first tattoo then my drew my gaze back to her_

 _'_ _Care to explain what it all means Miss Baker'_

 _Hannah placed her hands down on the railing of the chair and leaned over towards me, she admired a closer look to the small art work done on me and hovered her index fingers of the beginning of the design_

 _'_ _Why gladly Helmet' she giggled lightly. 'The H and B are obviously are my initials'_

 _'_ _Obviously' I mimicked_

 _Hannah rolled her eyes unapprovingly at my failed attempt to copy her but bit her bottom lip to stop a giggle escaping from her as a smirk grew on her face. I looked back down at the tattoo while Hannah moved her finger along_

 _'_ _The heart represents my love for you that you hold the key too Helmet, I love you so much as my best friend and so much more' she explained while hovering her index finger of the last shape._

 _'_ _What does the infinity symbol mean Hannah?'_

 _'_ _Love' Hannah stated_

 _'_ _Love?'_

 _'_ _Remember that night at Jeff's basement'_

 _'_ _Kinda' I replied, most of that night was vague for me apart from being in the basement with Hannah_

 _'_ _Maybe love is how you understand infinity, when you love has no limits when it goes on forever maybe that feels like infinity' Hannah exclaimed_

 _'_ _Huh'_

 _'_ _You do a lot of things for me Clay. You talk, you listen to me and you're always there for me when I need you' she began. 'I just want you to know when you look at this tattoo everything I explained to you each of those meanings are true and my love for you will go on forever I adore you Clay'_

 _I nodded my head while looking down at the tattoo before locking my gaze with Hannah again; reaching over from the chair I closed my eyes and softly placed a gentle kiss on Hannah's cheek. Sitting back in the padded chair I noticed the slight blush in her cheeks as I jumped up out of the chair and took a hold of Hannah's hand_

 _'_ _Now's it's your turn Hannah' I exclaimed_

 _'_ _What'_

 _'_ _If I've got one done you have too as well'_

 _'_ _Why'_

 _'_ _Simple, we're best friends' I smirked_

 _'_ _Ok what I'm I having then?'_

 _'_ _The exact same thing I got, your design with my initials'_

 _Hannah giggled lightly as I called Karl back over and explained the tattoo design to ink onto her; he traced down the new template on some transfer paper and sharpied the outlines to Hannah's ring finger. Karl put in a new needle into the gun and switched it on, I moved closer to Hannah's side and grabbed her free hand, intertwining our fingers together_

 _'_ _Deep breathes Hannah because it hurts like hell' I proclaimed_

 _'_ _Thanks for your advice Helmet'_

 _Karl pressed down on the pedal and started inking into her finger, starting on the outlines before changing settings and coloured some of the shapes in….._

 _After thirty minutes of getting Hannah's tattoo done we sat in the shop with saran wrap around our finger as we drank some coffee Karl had made along with some cereal bars he had given us from his secret cupboard he hid from other employees._

 _'_ _Thought you might guys might want to keep something from tonight. A keep sake from your first time' he proclaimed_

 _Karl reached over the coffee table and gave us a marked test tube each with a needle inside of the glass. I inspected the needle in my hand before placing it back inside the glass case._

 _'_ _I got to say you don't seem to find many boy girl best friends like you guys nowadays' he proclaimed, taking a sip of his coffee_

 _'_ _It's a rare friendship to find without all the games involved nowadays, probably more so than a shiny Charizard card' I admitted_

 _'_ _Oh my god! You're such a nerd' Hannah exclaimed, putting her cup of coffee down on the table and then smacked my arm_

 _'_ _What'_

 _'_ _Using Pokémon cards to describe our friendship'_

 _'_ _Well how would you describe us then' I protested while raising a brow_

 _'_ _I would definitely wouldn't use Pokémon cards for a start but I would say we're a once in a lifetime friendship' she explained. 'Most people would give anything to have what we have Helmet'_

 _'_ _Hannah does have a point Clay' Karl interjected as we drew our attention to him. 'From what I've seen tonight you two have a pure love and affection for each other and wants what's best for the other. Most boy girl best friends one of them has a ulterior motive to turn their relationship into a friend with benefits not that I see anything wrong with that but it would be nice to be best friends with someone of the opposite sex without all of the bullshit games involved._

 _Hannah and I both nodded our heads as we picked up our coffee cups and munched on the cereal bars, Karl showed us more of his tattoos he'd done on himself as we talked about our generations compared to his even tho he was a couple years older than us. We waited till it was quiet outside on the streets before we left for the groceries store to buy our treats for tonight feast….._

 _Carrying a paper bag each of snacks back to Hannah's house who would have thought it could strain an arm so much, trying not to use our tattooed hand to support the other natural instincts were starting to kick in into our bodies to intervene and help the other hand but the ink on the finger would get smudged if we did._

 _Walking along the footpath a loud hooting noise from behind us made Hannah and I jump out of our skins, the beeping got louder as the car approached us still it stopped right besides us. The driver's window rolled down and a dark skin man turn to face us both_

 _'_ _Hey Clay, Hannah' Tony greeted warmly_

 _'_ _Hi Tony' we both replied in unison_

 _'_ _What you got there'_

 _'_ _Oh just some snacks for tonight movie marathon'_

 _'_ _You've come a bit far for some snacks? All the other side of town for it' Tony smirked_

 _'_ _We fancied a walk' I smiled weakly_

 _'_ _Right' he nodded his head, playing cool with us. 'What you guys planning on watching'_

 _'_ _Star Wars' I stated_

 _'_ _Jurassic Park' Hannah protested_

 _'_ _Star Wars'_

 _'_ _It's undecided yet' she smirked_

 _'_ _Would you guys like a lift back to yours?'_

 _'_ _Yes please' we replied in unison_

 _Hannah and I climbed into his red Mustang as he drove us back to Hannah's house, I know Tony noticed the saran wrap around our fingers but he didn't bring it up, I'm guessing he knew what we have been up to tonight….._

 _Back in Hannah's bedroom we sat down close to each other on her bed admiring our new tattoos through the thick layers of plastic on our fingers, Hannah lifted a strand of hair that came loose and placed it back behind her ear, she caught be glancing and sighed gently as she smiled_

 _'_ _I still can't believe you made me get this Hannah' I stated_

 _'_ _What! You don't like it'_

 _'_ _No I do….I always thought my first tattoo would be a dragon or a lion but I do like this one, I'm so glad you made your own design instead of choosing a stencil'_

 _'_ _I like it too Helmet'_

 _I nodded my head as we heard a key go into the latch of the front door, the muffled voices of Mr and Mrs Baker could be heard entering the house. I jump up from the bed and nervously looked at Hannah, she quickly pushed me into her wardrobe and kept the door ajar as Mrs Baker voice grew louder to the bedroom door while Hannah dashed towards her bed and laid across the duvet_

 _'_ _Hey Hannah' Mrs Baker greeted, sitting down opposite her on the bed_

 _'_ _Hi mum'_

 _'_ _No Clay tonight'_

 _'_ _What'_

 _'_ _His bike is outside against the fence I thought he might be here'_

 _'_ _He was here but he's gone to get some Mike and Ikes' Hannah smiled weakly_

 _Mrs Baker got up from the bed and surveyed her daughter's bedroom before walking over to the cupboard and leaned against it_

 _'_ _Honestly Hannah when are we going to get to meet him' she exclaimed, holding her arms_

 _'_ _Never'_

 _'_ _Hannah'_

 _'_ _You and dad will only act weird in front of him and he'll never come back to this house ever again' Hannah exclaimed. 'I'm only protecting him from you guys'_

 _'_ _Your father and I don't act weird at all and it would be nice to finally meet a friend of yours. Promise me we'll meet him soon'_

 _'_ _I promise' she smiled widely, crossing an x above her heart_

 _Mrs Baker nodded her head and walked over to her daughter; she cupped her cheek and placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. The moment she left the room I gently stepped out of the cupboard and sprawled on her bed_

 _'_ _When are you gonna introduced me to your parents' I asked curiously_

 _'_ _Not you as well' she protested and grabbed a pillow from behind, smacking me playfully across my face_

 _Hannah grabbed the tv remote from her nightstand and turned it on, she placed a dvd into the player and also sprawled on the bed besides me, we ripped open some candy boxes as the opening to Star Wars IV: A New Hope started. Hannah laid her head down my shoulder and I sighed contently, I could get used to a future like this…_

* * *

The artist had just finished shading in certain part of my design on my forearm; it came out perfectly as I had hoped for as the previous times I've been here. It was a bunny that I drew for Hannah a million times when she was alive sat on the inside of a crescent looking up at the sky

'It's perfect thank you'

The tattoo artist left to go and get some saran wrap while I got up from my chair as I was the first one to be done; I showed my new tattoo to Justin and Tony who both nodded approvingly as I kept hidden the design from them for the past few weeks.

'You reckon mom will like it Justin' I asked

'When she stops freaking out after what we have done yeah' he replied. 'I'm sure she'll love the meaning behind it'

'You figured it out already' I questioned, raising a brow

'Kinda. The bunny represents you and the moon is something that you like to look at each night while the head of the bunny is looking up at the sky it means that it's looking for someone. All these thing connect to Hannah and this tat is all about her and you'

'Bingo' I replied, dragging out the o

Tony and Justin laughed lightly at the sound I made while I walked over and sat back down in my chair as Hannah was still sat in the stool besides me; smiling at my new piece of art I locked my gaze with Hannah

'Do you like it?'

Hannah nodded her head while I held out my hand to her to take, her invisible touch still felt real as she placed her in mine and intertwined out fingers together. I guess I'm still not ready to let her go just yet from my life…


	11. The Polaroids

After Justin and I helped our parents clear out the loft from all the clutter that was stored up there by the years gone by late into one afternoon, we separated the items into three piles in the front room of the house. Stuff that we wanted to keep and go back up, items that would be sent off to the charity stores and lastly junk that would be thrown away as we had no use for them anymore...

Once the painstaking task of moving the keep pile back into the loft was complete, mom had decided after all our hard work to treat us to pizza for dinner. Being covered in dust and cobwebs I removed my dusty cloths and stepped into the shower, turning the heat up to the max on the settings

The hot water spilled over my body as I kept my head bowed from the gushing water as I felt content from the first time in ages, turning my head up I then felt the water hit my face then my body, feeling clean and refreshed from my shower I stood there for fifteen minutes with my own thoughts circling around inside my mind before feeling the urge to leave. Switching the nob off on the shower unit I stepped out the shower and froze in shock on who was on the other side of the curtain, whipping my hands over my privates quickly to save some dignity as someone saw me in the nude

'What are you doing in here Hannah?' I exclaimed

Hannah was stood leaning against the wall on the other side of the bathroom, her eyes scanning my body from head to toe while I reached over to the tower rail I quickly wrapped a towel around my waist.

'Can I not have five minutes to myself?' I stated, raising a brow

Hannah rolled her eyes and shook her head when she moved off the wall, taking a few steps towards me before disappearing into thin air, I reached out my hand and swayed it back and forth in the area she had just left from, amazed how she could do when it was the first time she vanished before my every eyes in front of me

'Clay' my mother's voiced called outside of the door loudly

I gave a loud but gentle hum sound back to my mother while I walked over to the closed toilet set and sat down, taking deep breaths as I closed my eyes trying to drown out the outside world noise

'Are you alright in there?'

'I'm fine'

'Ok honey but who were you just talking too now'

'No one, just rambling to myself'

'Ok' she replied softly, almost inaudible. 'I'll leave you to it'

I nodded my head and reopened my eyes to the outside world, hearing my mother's footstep walk away from the door I threw my dirty cloths into the laundry basket before changing into my fresh set of cloths I brought with me….

I was sprawled along one side of my bed with the memory box situated on my nightstand; I had gathered some polaroids out of the box and looked at some at the events that occurred during one of my best night of my life with Hannah. Justin re-entered our bedroom after he'd take a shower as well and gotten changed into his nightwear shorts and cotton t-shirt, stating he couldn't be bother to change into more house wear clothes when I raised my brow at him when it hadn't even turned past six in the afternoon yet

'What you got there man' Justin asked while I shoved the polaroids under my pillow

'Nothing, just looking back at some stuff'

'Ok brother'

Justin pulled out one of my Marvel Iron Man comics from the binder that he started reading from a few weeks ago after finding my collection. Hannah reappeared back in our bedroom again and sat down at the desk chair, placing one hand under the pillow I could feel the polaroids again and saw Hannah give me a knowing look, she raised her brows and gestured back towards Justin

'Soon' I whispered quietly

Hannah sighed deeply before nodding her head assuringly; I just wanted one more last look at them before showing Justin these pictures of one of the best nights of my life with Hannah. A soft knock on the door drew all our attention when the doorknob turned and dad poked his head through the door

'Hey guys' he greeted

Just and I both nodded our heads when dad fully pushed open the door and entered our room, he sat down on the edge of my bed with a box straddled in his lap

'What's up Dad?' I asked curiously

'I was going through some boxes when I stumbled across this' he informed me, lightly tapping the roof of the box. 'I have no use for it anymore and I thought, well I thought you might like it'

Dad had peeled open the roof of the box and pulled out a original Polaroid 600 camera, he placed it down on the bed besides me before getting up and walking towards the door

'It's up to you Clay if you want to keep it or throw it away' he informed me as I picked up the camera. 'Oh there's some extra film packs in the box if you need it pal'

Annoyed by that three letter word Dad keeps on calling me I rolled my eyes disapprovingly as Dad closed the bedroom door behind him on the way out of the room, the moment the door latch fell into place Justin got up from his bed and sat down on my mine, his curiosity about the camera peaked as looked back down at the box for the instruction manual

'Does it still work Clay?' he asked, flicking through the booklet

'It's should still'

'Still' Justin stated

I looked up from the camera and saw Hannah had her gaze fixated on me before motioning towards my pillow, reaching under with my right hand I grabbed the polaroids stashed under there and showed Justin the polaroids, he skimmed through the photographs slowly and taking in what was shown in the pictures, he kept a hold of them when he was done.

'I'd taken those with this camera' I exclaimed

'How did you know about this camera Clay?'

'I found it by accident one night'

Justin handed me back my polaroids as I went through them again to rejog my memory, Hannah got up from the desk chair and sat down on the other side of my bed, after shuffling through the stack of polaroids I came back to the first one of the night, Hannah placed her hand above mine but I didn't feel her touch that time, I smiled weakly at Hannah before turning my attention back to Justin…

* * *

 _With Hannah on her way over to my house I laid out all the things we'll need tonight on top of my bed as I checked off a mental list in my head, packing the items into my rucksack I heard the doorbell ring as I stopped what I was doing to answer the door_

 _Opening the front door I let Hannah into my house and guided her upstairs to my bedroom, she furrowed her brows when Hannah saw a few items needing to be packed as she was trying to piece together our planned night_

 _'Still trying to work it out what I have planned' I proclaimed_

 _'Your vague clues weren't much help Helmet, just bring your pj's' she informed me, revealing the item I requested for her to bring over_

 _I took hold of Hannah's pj's and placed them on the radiator alongside mine when we would most definitely need them after our night's activity, Hannah sat down at my desk chair as I packed the rest of the items into my rucksack_

 _'You haven't planned a sleep over for us have you?'_

 _'Nope' I replied, shaking my head. 'You can keep on guessing all night long but you still won't guess it right'_

 _'Then give me another clue then Helmet, your last one wasn't helpful at all'_

 _'What's it worth then for a clue'_

 _'My famous Hannah Baker smile'_

 _'I'm gonna need more than that for what it's worth' I replied_

 _'How about this instead Clay'_

 _Hannah got up from the desk chair and walked over to the side of me, turning to face Hannah our gaze locked with each other as she moved her left hand to cup my right cheek, Hannah moved her face closer to mine as she tip toed to reach my height and softly pressed her lips against my cheek. My breath hitched in my throat while I pursed my lips from the quick kiss, nothing can ever describe the touch from her lips give as Hannah just rolled her eyes at me when she came down and giggled lightly_

 _'You're adorable' she exclaimed. 'Does that suffice Helmet?'_

 _'For now, yes Miss Baker. I'm only going to give a one word clue to keep you on your toes for the night'_

 _'Which is?'_

 _'Water'_

 _'Water?' she repeated quickly, burrowing her brows from my simple one word clue_

 _'I'm not saying another word tonight about my plans or you're gonna ruin your surprise Hannah'_

 _'Ok no more probing' she proclaimed, holding up her hands in surrender_

 _Laughing lightly I continued on packing the remaining items that needed to go in the bag that where left on my bed. Hannah sat down on my bed and picked up a small box that needed to go in the bag, she lifted up the lid to the box and pulled out a Polaroid 600 camera while she inspected the camera over to see if it still worked, taking a picture of be packing my rucksack by accident as I rolled my eyes after the flash_

 _'I didn't know Clay Jensen takes polaroids pictures let alone have a camera'_

 _'Clay Jensen doesn't but tonight being the only exception for me too' I explained. 'The camera is my dad's and I found it in the loft searching for something for tonight and I thought….'_

 _'No, go on Helmet' Hannah encouraged, taking hold of my hand and squeezing it gently_

 _I looked down at our joined hands and felt her squeeze my hand again, following the linking of our joined hands and up her arm my eyes were fixated with Hannah's small azure pools. Without moving my gaze I felt her thumb rub along my knuckles_

 _'I thought we could take some polaroids together tonight around the whole town, you know make a small collection of the places we've been together'_

 _'That sounds so cute to do and I'd really like that Helmet, I've always wanted to do that and it sounds kinda fun'_

 _'Cool'_

 _I opened wide the opening of the rucksack as Hannah placed the camera inside, slipping on my navy blue hoodie I adjusted the coat while flinging the rucksack over one of my shoulder and picked up my bicycle helmet. Hannah and I left my bedroom and walked down the hall as I locked up all the windows and doors in the house before entering the garage and pulled my bike out of the small brick building_

 _'No parents tonight Helmet' Hannah asked curiously, motioning to the house behind her_

 _'No, they've gone away for the weekend and won't be back till late sunday night' I informed her, inspecting my bike over for tonight's ride_

 _'So no house party then'_

 _'Why would I want to waste my time around disorderly drunk teenagers when I can be around the one person I want to be around with the whole weekend in peace'_

 _After checking the new adjustments I made on my bike were secure, I looked up at Hannah and noticed the slight blush that stained her cheeks while she turned her gaze away from me, not wanting for me to see her turn more red if that was even possible for her_

 _'You're too much Helmet' Hannah whispered softly_

 _Hannah reached into my rucksack on the floor and pulled out the polaroid camera that was on top of the items I hadn't shown Hannah for tonight, she flipped open the flash lid on the camera and came up next to me_

 _'What are you doing Hannah?'_

 _'We should start the night right' she exclaimed, gently patting the camera in her hands. 'Let's take a selfie'_

 _I nodded my head and stood close to Hannah that our shoulders brushed against one another, holding one side of the camera as Hannah pushed back on the red release button on the bottom of the camera to capture the photo. Hannah took hold of the polaroid quickly when it rolled out of the bottom of the camera_

 _'You squinted your eyes Helmet'_

 _'The flash was bright, I thought I gotten away with it'_

 _'Clearly you hadn't' she giggled lightly_

 _'Let's just bin this one and take another Hannah' I replied while trying to retrieve the polaroid from her grasp_

 _'Nope' she protested, shaking her head and kept a tight hold on the polaroid. 'You look adorable in this Helmet'_

 _'Even with the squinty eyes'_

 _'Yes still very much adorable Helmet'_

 _Hannah closed the flash lid on the camera and placed it and the polaroid inside my rucksack, I saddled up on my bike and throw the rucksack onto my back as I slid my arms through the straps._

 _'You ready Helmet' Hannah asked_

 _'Not quite'_

 _I throw over my bike helmet to Hannah which she caught in her hands and placed it over her head, her fingers tighten up the straps and putting the clip into the buckle. Hannah stood on the back pegs I installed on the bike and wrapped her arms around my chest and leaned her chin down on my shoulder_

 _'Let ride off into the night Helmet'_

 _'Yes Madam' I spoke in my best posh voice_

 _Kicking up my supporting foot from the ground to the bike pedal Hannah arms clutched tighter around me as we started to move, I cycled us slowly out of my driveway and onto the middle of the road as the first destination would be The Crestmont Movie Theater where our friendship began…._

 _During our walk to one of Hannah's surprises for tonight we looked back at the polaroids we'd taken around the whole town, Hannah shuffled the polaroids back into the correct order we had taken them in and looked carefully how they had turned out_

 _'This is a cool one Helmet'_

 _'Yeah the neon lights help brighten up the picture'_

 _Hannah and I were sat on the edge of the Crestmont building with the huge light sign behind us as we took our selfie with the camera. Flicking over to the next polaroid we were at Eisenhower Park sat on the rocket slide together, Hannah was sat in my lap with my arms around her from behind while we had just come down the slide._

 _Turning over to the next polaroid I had cycled us to the next town to the field where stargazers go to look amongst the stars, the night sky had started to ink the sky dark blue and some stars managed to appear on through. The one star we wanted to see the most was shining on brightly through the dark hue sky as our Clannah star came into view, I had managed to get us both in view of the shot of us looking up at the night sky in the polaroid ._

 _'Omg the last few polaroids of us are just too cute' she exclaimed. 'How do you do it Helmet?'_

 _'Do what'_

 _'Look so damn adorable'_

 _'It's a gift Hannah, only a few possess it'_

 _Hannah giggled uncontrollably and bumped into the side of me as an unexpected laughed escaped from me too, she continued on to the next polaroid that was taken next during the night out together through the town. The next stop was outside Hamilton's dance school and both of us had the disco ball keyring on our set of keys as we posed for a polaroid outside the studio's illumined sign._

 _Sipping on my nearly empty large cup of chocolate milkshake on our way to one of my secret treats, we had gotten our frozen treats from Rosie's Diner where another polaroid was taken of our cups this time outside of the diner on a bench which had our names written across it. Feeling peckish as well and not in the mood for fried food we stopped next at Monet's for some cookies, ordering half a dozen of melting chocolate chip cookies to go Hannah posed with our treats as I snapped a quick polaroid of her_

 _There was one last stop we needed to make before I revealed to Hannah a place that meant a lot to me and where I go if I want to be alone in the world. Coming past a black painted building we posed for another selfie of the sign shop we visited a few days ago for our small work done on our ring finger._

 _After flicking through our nine polaroids Hannah placed them back inside my rucksack, Hannah linked her arm through mine as we continued on walking down a dirt path beside the road for a quarter kilometres….._

 _'How much further Helmet'_

 _'We're here now Hannah'_

 _I chained up my bike to a wooden fence that went around a large open field; there was no access for cars to get up the hill that was situated in the middle of the field so the further you went up the more peaceful it got_

 _'How many polaroids are left in the deck Hannah?' I asked_

 _Hannah zipped open my rucksack from behind me and pulled out the camera, she held the camera steady in her hands and switched it on; a small light flickered on the side of the camera to reveal how many films are left inside_

 _'There's three left Helmet'_

 _'Mind if I have two of them Hannah'_

 _'Not at all' she exclaimed, smiling gently. 'I'm kind of curious what you want to photograph'_

 _'You'll see soon enough'_

 _I took the camera back from Hannah and placed it back into the rucksack, when we finally reach the bottom of the hill in the open field we started out assent up the small mountain. Halfway up the hill I got behind Hannah and covered her eyes with my hands as she came to a halt while I crashed into her from behind_

 _'Sorry Hannah' I repeated frantically_

 _'It's ok Clay but what are you doing' she giggled_

 _'What do you mean'_

 _'Covering my eyes Helmet'_

 _'When we get to the top I want it to be a surprise for you when we're there and no peaking till I tell you too'_

 _'Ok Helmet led the way then'_

 _I slowly led Hannah up the small hill till we reach the top of the grassy hill, I slowly removed my hands from Hannah's eyes and took hold of her left hand and gently led her forward to a small wooden bench_

 _'You can now open your eyes Hannah' I proclaimed_

 _Hannah fluttered her eyelids open and pulled away from me while walking around the bench, her eyes lit up and widen from the view we have gotten here. I walked around the bench and came up besides Hannah; we turned to face each other a few seconds later after taking in the view again and sat down on the empty bench_

 _'What do you think of this place Hannah?'_

 _'It's amazing up here Clay' she replied, looking out at the body of water down below and the town on the other side of the hill with the bridges in the distance. 'How do you know of this place?'_

 _'I found this place my accident during my freshman year at Liberty'_

 _'Define accident Helmet' she asked, raising a brow_

 _'Not many people know this about me especially my parents and I like to keep it that way but I was bullied a lot freshmen year' I began, thinking back to different period of my life not too long ago. 'One day during the first week of school it was the worst I had ever gotten it. I was the last one to get changed in the empty locker room alone after gym class has ended when I was attacked from behind….'_

 _'It's ok Clay if you don't want to talk about it, I understand' Hannah soothed, placing one of her hand on mine and the other on the top of my shoulder_

 _'Thanks Hannah but it helps when I talk about it, I don't feel that anger inside of me when I let it out and I want you to know since you're my best friend'_

 _'I'm always gonna be your best friend since you are mine Clay Jensen'_

 _I smiled weakly at Hannah and felt her hand run down my arm and join my other hand; lifting up a leg I turned to her as she done the same to give me her full attention_

 _'I was thrown to floor and got the shit kicked out of me, they put a plastic bag over my bed and tried to suffocate me when one picked me up by the neck and the other punched me all over that I couldn't even breathe. When I could see who was attacking me they all had balaclava on their faces'_

 _'There was more than one' she cried, the tears welling up in her eyes_

 _'There were four of them two who I know who hurt me when they removed their masks and the other two remain a mystery'_

 _'Who were they?'_

 _'Bryce Walker and Montgomery de la Cruz'_

 _'Did you report them Helmet' she asked_

 _'No point at the school, there's no justice what so ever at the school. Besides it's my word against two of Liberty star athletes'_

 _'What did the other two goons do with the balaclava to you?'_

 _'Not so much compared to Bryce and Monty' I informed her. 'One kept guard at the door while the other soaked all my clothes in the showers'_

 _I saw the tears prick Hannah's eyes and a few trickled free and rolled her red buffy cheeks; leaning over to her I swiped the tears away from Hannah's eyes and gave a tissue_

 _'I'm so sorry Clay that you had to go through that especially on your first week'_

 _'It wasn't all bad after that day'_

 _'What do you mean Helmet?' Hannah enquired, raisin a brow_

 _'After my loud cries from the locker room, someone entered to see where the noise was coming from and that's when I met Jeff Atkins for the first time. He wasn't like the rest; he was never like the rest of the jocks' I exclaimed. 'He gave me a towel to cover myself and placed his letterman jacket over me to keep warm while he retrieved my wet clothes from the showers. Jeff skipped the next class and stayed with me while my clothes dried out and we became chatty and turned into good friends after that'_

 _'I never knew that about Jeff' she smiled weakly_

 _'He made sure I left school safely that day and on the way home I just rode my bike around the whole town till I found this hill and climbed up it, ever since then this has been my safe space'_

 _'Have you ever brought anyone one up here before Helmet?'_

 _'Only Jeff once since he wanted to know where I disappear off to after school was done for the day' I replied. 'Hannah I want to share my safe space with you. I don't want this to be my space anymore but be our safe space '_

 _'Clay I couldn't accept it this is yours'_

 _'You can Hannah and you will I would share anything I have or own with you, so what do you say? Share this place with me and this would always be our spot'_

 _'Ok Helmet'_

 _'You pinkie promise' I stated while holding out my pinkie_

 _'I pinkie promise' Hannah smiled, clasping her pinkie around mine_

 _'If you ever want to escape from the world or just talk to me in private then I'll always meet you here for it Hannah, anytime of the day or night as long I'm with you here then I know we're safe from the world'_

 _Hannah slid further up the bench and placed her hand against my cheek; she drew my face near to her and softly placed a kiss against his cheek. Hannah couldn't help herself and jerked forward and wrapped her arms around me as I placed an arm around her back and held her close….._

 _We held each other for while on the bench and finished off our cookies from Monet's that we bought earlier, rummaging around in the rucksack I pulled out a Swiss army knife and flicked the blade out of the holder. Getting up from the bench I walked to the tree behind us and started marking out some details into the tree with a sharpie_

 _'You haven't brought me up here to murder me have you Helmet'_

 _'No, no I haven't. I thought we could do something very cheesy and corny Hannah'_

 _'I'll be the judge on how corny it is'_

 _'Since this place is our safe spot why not mark it so'_

 _'What like a dog and mark our territory' she exclaimed_

 _'Well I'm not saying we should pee on the tree but carve our initials into it instead' I proclaimed_

 _Hannah laughed lightly as I dug my knife into the tree bark and started carving both my initials into the tree; once I was done I gave the pocket knife to Hannah to engrave her initials next to mine in the bark…._

 _'It's still missing something Helmet' she sighed, taking a step back to admire her handy work_

 _'What'_

 _'It's need something like a shape around it'_

 _'Like'_

 _'A heart' she admitted, smiling widely_

 _'Isn't that a bit clique'_

 _'So what Helmet, let's be clique for once in our lives' she exclaimed happily_

 _Hannah started cutting out her outline of one side of the heart into the tree before giving me the knife to finish the rest of the heart. Blowing out any tree bark that remained and wiping my fingers of the marking Hannah returned with the camera I had asked for when I neared the end of the heart, turning on the flash on the camera we took another selfie of us and our fine art work for the polaroid collection_

 _'I've still got one more surprise for you tonight Hannah'_

 _'What is it Helmet' she pleaded_

 _'You'll hate me for this as I've told you most of the night but you'll have to wait and see'_

 _'Ok let's go then'_

 _Hannah grabbed a hold of my hand and quickly dragged me behind her as we raced down the hill, somehow managing not tumble and roll all the way down the steep hill. I unlocked my bike from the wooden fence and saddle up as Hannah jumped onto the back pegs and kept a tight hold of me, pedalling down the road I did a U turn and went back the way we came to her second surprise of the night would be located…..._

 _After half an hour cycling all the way to the other side of town we finally reached the outskirt of the town with the road leading off into the next city, before passing the border sign that stated we were leaving the district I turned down a dirt path and rode downhill in the heavy depths of the forest, coming to a flat land of path people must haven walked along in the woods over the years…._

 _Coming to the end of the footpath I chained up my bike around a tree truck, placing my hands over Hannah eyes for the second time of the night I led us through the trees to her special surprise on the other side of the wooden area._

 _'Okay Hannah you can open them again' I informed her, removing my hands from her face_

 _Hannah's eyes widen in shock at the natural beauty of nature before us, hidden in the woods was a small waterfall with a body of water underneath, deep enough to dive in from the top of the waterfall and explore the tiny cave inside the rock formation. The natural glow of the water shone brightly in the night as I switched on some solar garden lights that lit up the surrounding area and inside the rock cave that Tony and I brought here years ago after we discovered the waterfall_

 _'Fancy a swim?' I enquired, raising a brow_

 _'I didn't bring my swimsuit'_

 _'Me neither but I did bring some towels to dry ourselves off just in case' I replied, fishing out the towels from the rucksack. 'It's ok if you don't we can dip our feet into the water'_

 _Pushing the towels back inside the rucksack I looked down to the ground disappointingly that we were just going to paddle in the water at best if she wanted too, I let the rucksack slip down my fingers as I placed it on the ground when Hannah placed her hand above mine, turning to face her Hannah smiled widely_

 _'I'd love to go for a swim with you Clay'_

 _Hannah stepped away from me and preceded to taking off her dark cream jacket and black socks and boots, she pulled her cold shoulder blouse over her head and unbuttoned her blue denim jeans. My eyes widen from their sockets as Hannah was stood in her black lacy underwear in front of me_

 _'Your turn Helmet' she proclaimed_

 _'Yes…right' I mumbled nervously, feeling hot under the cover_

 _I removed my navy blue hoodie and black converse shoes, lifting one foot up at a time I pulled off my socks and lifted my green t-shirt over my head as I threw them to one side. I already felt naked and insecure about my body in front of Hannah and I had even removed my black jeans yet, the urge was strong to put my top back on_

 _'Come on Clay, get them off' she stated playfully_

 _'I will Hannah, all in good time'_

 _'There's no need to be nervous Helmet, I won't laugh or anything' she assured. 'You can trust me Clay because I trusted you when I took my clothes off because I know you wouldn't react like every other guy would at Liberty when they see flesh in the open'_

 _I slowly nodded my head and unclasped the metal buttons on my jeans, the material slid down my legs and pooled around my feet, stepping out of my fallen clothes I walked towards Hannah who held out her hand for me to take as I interlaced our fingers together_

 _'Shall we' Hannah asked, lifting up a brow_

 _Taking a few steps to the edge of pool we entered the lukewarm water that rose up to our knees when got to the shallow end of the pool before I raced back to the rucksack, coming back moments later with the camera in my hands_

 _'Though this would be a picture perfect moment Hannah' I stated, gently tapping the side of the camera_

 _With our backs turned towards the waterfall Hannah cuddled up to my side with an arm wrapped around my waist and her head leaning my chest, I placed my arm around her shoulders and took the polaroid. Collecting the polaroid out of the camera's rollers I placed them both back on the rucksack and re-joined Hannah in the water…._

 _Once we dipped our bodies into the pool of water we explored the well lit caves from the solar garden lights that were attached to the earthy surface, talking about any and everything as we swam through the open cave and back out again to swim under the star lit sky…._

 _'Want to take a dive from up there' I asked, pointing to the top of the waterfall_

 _'Sure why not'_

 _We swam to the edge of the small pool and climbed out, I held out my hand for Hannah to take as she clasped our hands together tightly on the slightly steep climb up the rocky waterfall. With our hands still together I lead Hannah to the edge of the rocky waterfall to see how deep the pool was._

 _'Do you want to do it together?' I asked_

 _'I think I can manage on my own Helmet' she assured. 'Count me down'_

 _'Sure' I replied, nodding my head and standing sideways on the edge. 'Three….Two…..One'_

 _Hannah took a small run up to the edge of the waterfall before her feet grind to a halt by my side and her hip swung out to mine, the momentum and contact from her body to mine sending me off the edge and into the water below, when I resurfaced from the water I gasped for air frantically before looking up at the waterfall at Hannah_

 _'What the hell Hannah' I replied, spitting out water_

 _She laughed hysterically even when I tried to throw a hand full of water up at her; Hannah took a step back from the edge before jumping off the waterfall and down into the water below. She resurfaced from the warm water in front of me; we paddled our arms lightly to keep afloat from the water_

 _'Why did you nudge me off the end Hannah?'_

 _'You could do with a splash Helmet'_

 _'I'll splash you'_

 _'Don't you dare Jensen' she spoke sternly_

 _I swung my arm against the surface of the water and aimed the large splash towards Hannah's face, the large splash soaking her over as she wiped the excess water off her face and swam forward. Our faces were inches apart from touching each other's when our eyes locked, neither of us looking away or beyond one another_

 _'Hannah'_

 _'Yeah' she stated breathlessly_

 _'I…..' I spoke softly. My mind repeated the same instruction over and over again inside my head, just tell Hannah you love her and kiss her now, no distractions this time. 'I…adore you'_

 _Hannah's facial features soften and she wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling my face closer to hers_

 _'I adore you too Clay' she stated happily_

 _Hannah moved forward and softly placed a kiss against my cheek, wrapping my arms around her under the water I pulled Hannah against my chest while she rested her head against my chest, we kept in a close embrace as we floated in the water as I placed a gently kiss on the top of her head…_

 _Half an hour later after our late night swim we decided to head back home to my house and ordered some chinese food for dinner on the journey back which should arrive the same time we did back at the house._

 _We both took a shower each to freshen up and changed into our warm pj's, our dinner arrived five minutes later after we freshen up and I took our takeout to my bedroom. Ripping open our starter's bag we shared our prawn and vegetable rolls together, moving onto the main course I handed Hannah her chicken noodles as I retrieve my beef noodles from the bag…._

 _After our late dinner we lay on our sides on my bed as we climbed underneath the covers, pulling it up closer to us when our bodies were close to each other, Hannah threw her arm over my waist loosely and shimmied closer in bed to me_

 _'Did you have the best week ever Hannah'_

 _'I did Helmet' she sighed contently. 'Thank you so much for giving me the best week of my life ever'_

 _'Anytime Hannah' I replied. 'It sucks that school is gonna start again soon'_

 _'As long as I've got you by my side Helmet things can only get better'_

 _I laid flat on my back staring up at the infinity poster on my ceiling when Hannah leaped up and snuggled down against my chest, wrapping her arm around my waist tightly while looking at the poster as well, we taking about any and everything late into the night while looking at infinity…_

 _My eyelids fluttered open and averted to my bedroom door as it slowly creaked open, the dark silhouette figure came into view and entered my bedroom, the closer the person came the more I could make out who it was sleepily as I quickly glanced at the clock showing it was eight in the morning_

 _'Hey mom' I greeted_

 _'Morning Clay' she reciprocated back, bending down and kissing my forehead_

 _'What are you doing back so early?'_

 _'Your father and I had to cut our weekend short over some case that coming up soon so I need to start working on my prep for it'_

 _I sleepily nodded my head when I felt Hannah stir besides me, she sluggishly moved further on me as she was still snuggled up an my chest, I saw her eyelids flicker open and saw my mom watching down on her, she moved quickly away from me and sat up_

 _'Morning Mrs Jensen' she greeted warmly_

 _'Morning sweetheart' my mom smiled. 'Did you sleep ok?'_

 _'I did thank you' she replied quickly, I placed my hand down on top of her as I smiled reassuring at her. 'I best be going now'_

 _'Why don't you stay and have brunch with us sweetheart, I'm going back to bed now and won't be up for a few hours and it would be nice to finally meet you at last'_

 _'If you sure it's ok Mrs Jensen'_

 _'It's no problem what so ever Hannah' she smiled assuringly. 'I'll leave you guys too it'_

 _My mom walked back out the room again and quietly shut the door behind her, I lay back down in bed and Hannah snuggled down onto my chest again while I had my arms around her, I watched as Hannah grabbed the camera from my nightstand and captured our fingers interlaced together, she placed the camera and polaroid down on the nightstand again, with our hands still interlaced together on my chest I bought it closer to my head and softly kissed the back of Hannah's hand_

 _'I just want to apologise in advance if she starts asking loads of questions about us and what we do together' I whispered sleepily_

 _'Its fine Helmet I get the same questions from my mom back home about us. Your mom seems really nice I can't wait to properly meet her later'_

 _I bowed my head and kissed the top of Hannah head before getting comfortable in my bed, I felt Hannah's play with the material of my night t-shirt with her finger before falling fast sleep on me instantly, I gave her one last kiss on her head again before falling back asleep also with Hannah in my arms…_

* * *

Shuffling the polaroids back to the original order of being taken I placed them beside the memory box on the night stand, when I looked up at Justin he couldn't look me in the eyes at all as he tried to avoid my gaze, something was off about him like he was ashamed of something

'Justin, what's wrong'

'Ever since your family has adopted me I've kept something from you Clay and I know if I tell you, you'll hate me for the rest of the life'

'I can't hate you Justin, I can dislike you but never hate you brother' I smiled weakly

'You know you said Bryce and Monty attacked you in the locker room because you saw them but not the other two'

'Yeah'

'I know who they are' he admitted, hanging in head in shame

'Who were they Justin' I questioned, raising a brow

'It's was me and Zack Dempsey' he exclaimed, tears rolling down his eyes. 'I can explain everything if you'll let me'

'Go on then'

'I was the one guarding the door and Zack was the one who throw your clothes in the shower; we were both new to the team and just got initiated into the clubhouse. If we didn't help Bryce with his plan for the new fresh meat he saw on campus…' he explained, shaking his head. 'He would have started rumours of me and Zack being gay for each other around the whole school. It would be better for us to be the bully then be bullied and I'll be ashamed of that for the rest of my life what I did you that whole freshmen year'

Justin couldn't bear to look at me anymore and turned his attention to the floor, tears leaving his eyes at a rapid pace as tried to wipe them away and control his breathing

'I'll understand if you want me to leave and never come back Clay, it's your choice'

'I don't want you to go anywhere Justin. I want you to stay and be my brother'

'After all I done'

'Yes even after all you done. Everyone deserves a second chance. Even after they mess up again and again' I admitted, draping my arm around his shoulders. 'I know you and Zack are good people on the inside, what you both did to me wasn't even comparable to what Bryce and Monty have done to me. I can forgive you two and move on but not them'

Justin turned to me and I embraced him into a deep hug, we cried it out the pain and torture I suffered during freshman year and that somehow we had made it out alive so far through Liberty. Justin left our bedroom and went to ask mom how long the pizza was going to take to get here, I turned to other side of the bed when I jumped back in shock that Hannah was sat next to me

'Now you know who the other two bullies were'

Hannah nodded her head and laid her head on my shoulder, I went to the grab the polaroids off the nightstand and flicked through one last time, properly admiring the last one of the night of our joined hands together. Hannah lifted her hand from her lap and placed it above my hand

'What'

Hannah guested down to our hands as I rolled my eyes and flipped over my hand for her, her hand fit into mine like a glove while I intertwined our fingers together; sighing contently I looked up at Hannah

'I'll never stop missing the way we used to touch each other like this' I stated, squeezing her hand

Hannah and I were still sat on my bed with our hands interlocked with each other, going over the polaroids together when Justin shouted at the top of his lungs that the pizza had arrived. Getting up from the bed I walked towards the door when I turned to see Hannah still sat where she was still

'You coming'

I held out my hand for Hannah to take when she got up from the bed and grabbed a hold of my hand, our hands still melded together as we went downstairs. I guess the simplest of things like holding hands with Hannah is what I missed the most about her, how close we were when we were together…..


	12. The wristband

It had only just turned nine o'clock in the morning when I was sat waiting in my Prius for the Evergreen Leisure Centre to open for the day, the moment I saw an employee of the centre unlock the front doors I stepped out of my car and went towards the building

The employee had just got around the front desk and sat down when I entered through the doors, going straight up to the reception desk through the empty foyer. The old man who worked behind the desk looked up from the computer screen and averted his gaze to me; his smile grew enormously when he recognised me

'Right on time' he greeted, looking over to the clock on the wall. 'Morning Clay, how are you doing son'

'I'm doing….ok Ronnie, just….holding on in there'

'You keep on doing that for me ok Clay' he smiled weakly

'I'll try too'

I looked down awkwardly at the reception desk before reaching into my pocket of my jeans to retrieve my wallet, my arms leaning over the edge of the counter as I flicked through my wallet for some dollar notes to fish out

'What you doing Clay, put it away' he protested, shaking his head

'You sure Ronnie' I questioned, raising a brow

'You've been coming here every Saturday at nine for the past year like clockwork. Your swim today is on us, it's on the house'

'I don't what to say but thank you'

'Don't mention it' Ronnie replied. 'You look like you could do with a swim desperately'

'How so' I exclaimed, raising a brow

'You look like you've got something on your mind that you want to clear off'

'Yeah something like that' I replied softly, pulling out some one dollar bills and handing it over to Ronnie. 'Treat yourself to some Reece's on me, I know they are your favourite'

'Thanks Clay' he replied. 'Oh Clay I know I haven't said this to you already because I didn't know how too but I'm sorry for your loss, I was so sad to hear about Hannah'

I nodded my head and smiled weakly at him as Ronnie smiled weakly back before taking the dollar bills and placing them on his desk, adjusting the straps on the small string bag over my shoulder I walked from the desk and headed towards the doors that lead to the changing facilities.

'Clay' he called out loudly

Stopping in my tracks at the sound of my name being called behind me I turned to see no one else in reception except Ronnie, he was stood up from his desk chair and leaning over the counter as I walked back to him

'Don't forget your wristband'

Ronnie slid over the small strip of purple coloured paper across the counter top as I retrieved it and made my way over to the locker room, entering a small cubical space and locking the door behind me I stripped out of my clothes and into my swimwear. I dumped my things into a locker and clasped the locker key strap tightly around my wrist as I made my way to the exit of the building to the large pool outside

I jumped into the shallow end of the pool and resurfaced slowly from the water; clearing the liquid out from my eyes I saw two figures at the other end of the pool. When my eyes adjusted back to normal vision I could make out who the other two were, it was me and Hannah playing around together in the pool in the summer before she died.

Shaking those thoughts and vision of them out of my head I swam over to the 'laps only' section of the huge pool and had the front of my body pressed up against the tile wall. I looked up and Hannah appeared out of nowhere and walked along the side of the pool, sitting down at the end of a deck chair and waved over at me. Taking a deep breathes I leaped off from the wall and took my weekly lap routines in the pool…..

After my morning at the leisure centre I drove home with my lunch of a steak and cheese sub from Subway in the passenger seat, pulling up along the curb outside of my house it looked quiet like there was no sign of life inside, guess everyone is still out for the day when I left in the morning. I took out my stuff from the car and went straight up to my bedroom to eat my lunch up there in peace. During the second half of my footlong sandwich I opened up the Spotify app on my phone and placed it on shuffle, the first song that played was a new one from Hailee Steinfeld I adored recently after hearing it on the radio while on an errand run

 _Our love's enough_

 _Transcending us through space and time_

 _It's holding up_

 _It keeps you and me intertwined_

 _What's a pipe dream if you ain't trying to do it?_

 _What's a heartbreak if you ain't crying all through it?_

 _What's a sunset if you ain't riding into it?_

 _Let's drive into it_

 _Cause I'm bringing you back to life_

 _And I know that you're gone, but I swear that you're here_

 _It's a feeling that won't disappear_

 _And you're bringing me back to life_

 _I was looking for something that I couldn't find_

 _It's a feeling you give me inside_

Hannah reappeared back in my bedroom again and sat down next to me on the bed, taking in the music that was playing loudly through my phone speaker

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _Cause I'm bringing you back to life_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _This feeling's coming back to life_

 _Our memories_

 _They're more than just our history_

 _They lift me up_

 _They flow like electricity (oh, oh, oh)_

We turned to face each other and swayed along to the music, our arms bumping into each other we rocked on the bed, a small laugh escaping me as Hannah smiled widely

 _What's a pipe dream if you ain't trying to do it?_

 _What's a heartbreak if you ain't crying all through it?_

 _What's a sunset if you ain't riding into it?_

 _Let's drive into it_

 _Cause I'm bringing you back to life_

 _And I know that you're gone but I swear that you're here_

 _It's a feeling that won't disappear_

 _And you're bringing me back to life_

 _I was looking for something that I couldn't find_

 _It's a feeling you give me inside_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _Cause I'm bringing you back to life_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _I can see you in the night_

 _Coming through like flashing lights_

 _When the world is passing by_

 _Oh, oh, oh_

 _I can see you in the night_

 _Coming through like flashing lights_

 _When the world is passing by_

 _Oh, oh, oh (oh)_

Hannah and I flopped down onto my bed and turned to face each other, wiggling closer to each other as Hannah placed her hand on my cheek, I could see her do it but never felt the touch that I missed so much

 _Cause I'm bringing you back to life_

 _And I know that you're gone but I swear that you're here_

 _It's a feeling that won't disappear_

 _And you're bringing me back to life_

 _I was looking for something that I couldn't find_

 _It's a feeling you give me inside_

 _Cause I'm bringing you back_

 _Cause I'm bringing you back_

 _Cause I'm bringing you back to life_

 _Cause I'm bringing you back to life_

 _And you're bringing me back_

 _And you're bringing me back_

 _And you're bringing me back to life_

 _This feeling's coming back to life_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _Cause I'm bringing you back to life_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh_

 _This feeling's coming back to life_

When the song ended I reached over and placed my hand on Hannah's face and caressed her cheek, gently rubbing my thumb over her soft gentle face

'So you can hear us then Hannah' I stated

She simply just nodded her head and didn't utter out a single sound, I looked deeper into Hannah's eyes but she averted her gaze away for a few moments before returning back to me

'Did you like the song Hannah' I asked

Hannah just nodded her head as I played the song on again, keeping the volume low just in case Hannah might say a word this time around

'This song kinda makes me think of us, you know' I proclaimed, her facial expressed changed as she furrowed her brows, kinda confused on where the connection was with us and this song. 'Am I bringing you back to life or are you being me back to life?'

She shrugged her shoulders as we stared into each other eyes, completely losing track of time and space around us while the song played in the background….

'Please just talk to me Hannah because this driving me insane now' I admitted sobbingly. 'I can't think right let alone sleep properly, is there something that you come back to finish off or on a journey'

Getting frustrated even more I wasn't getting anywhere again asking Hannah all sorts of questions I reached for my phone that was on the other end of the bed, going through some pages on the internet I found the website I was looking for. Miraculously it still had all the audio files I posted online of Hannah's tape, coming to audio file eleven I pressed play on the link provided

'I'll take all these down when I'm done Hannah' I croaked

Hannah shook her head and her eyes had a teary glaze to them, maybe was I wrong to post her most intimate and private thoughts for everyone to hear and not take this page down soon as the trail was over…..

I had just finished listen to my tape over again for the second time for any clues to why Hannah was still here by my side, nothing seem out of the ordinary when I first heard them years ago with Tony by my side. Justin entered our shared bedroom and placed his keys, wallet and phone down on his nightstand just as I pressed pause on my phone from listening to the beginning of my tape again

'What you listening too' he asked curiously

'Nothing'

Justin gave a knowing look before looking down at my phone screen quickly; knowing the webpage I was on as he ran his fingers threw his hair angrily

'Why put yourself through that again Clay' he groaned in frustration

'I just needed to know something'

'Hannah loved you for much and I know she did but you can't keep torturing yourself like this Clay' he exclaimed. 'I mean I aint heard the tapes in years but I remember every word she said and that will stay with me forever till I die'

Justin shredded off his hoodie from his body and tossed it on the bed while sitting down on the edge of his mattress, curling up the Subway packaging into a ball I throw the ball of garbage into the bin, the sleeve of my hoodie sliding down my arm to reveal the wristband on my wrist still from this morning swim. I started peeling off the edges of the sticky seal and unclasped it from my wrist and placed the wristband on my nightstand next to the memory box

'Correct me if I'm wrong Clay but I swear I saw another wristband in your memory box' he exclaimed, motioning to the box

'You did Justin'

'So you guys went swimming together'

'Yeah' I whispered breathlessly, replaying the night inside in my head again as I closed my eyes. 'On my tape Hannah wasn't telling the truth about something'

'What did she leave out?'

'The night at Jessica's party, that wasn't the first time we kissed each other' I admitted

I dug around inside the memory box for the wristband I had received that night from the reception desk, the memories from that night came flooding back at the playful stuff Hannah and I did at the leisure centre and remembered our kisses, nothing could ever compare to her kisses…..

* * *

 _The first few days back at Liberty of my junior year and nothing had changed in the slightest, last year's seniors had moved on and everyone grew a year older but none the wiser. Last year's labels seemed to have stuck this semester also as I knew I was still the quiet loner in everyone's mind when they saw me._

 _On the way to Hannah's home I bought my swimming shorts and towel as requested by Hannah for tonight, I guess she wants to have another swim in the waterfall pool tonight. Midway through my walk to Hannah's I felt my phone buzz around inside my jean pocket, fishing out my phone I opened up the text message I received from Hannah_

 _'Rescue me Helmet'_

 _Reading the message quickly three times over I felt all sorts of emotions tug at my heart as I needed to get to her quickly, Hannah's small text had all sorts of different meanings to it while I tried to mental cross off the possibility of her text could mean on the run to her house_

 _When I reached Hannah's street and the closer I got to her house I could hear loud screams coming from one of the houses on this street, once I got to the gate of the Baker's residents the screams where coming from within the household. My gaze flickered over to Hannah's bedroom when I saw a figure stood near the window, making my way over to the window I rushed past the bay windows of the living room as I could Mr and Mrs Baker arguing in a heated debate through them when I turned my attention back to Hannah's window_

 _Giving a few gentle knocks on the glass I saw Hannah jump out of her own skin and turned her attention to the window, she lifted up the latch and pushed open the window frame as I climbed through and into her bedroom, after adjusting my fallen jacket I looked up at Hannah and saw her eyes were puffy and tears were being held back from a silent sob before I arrived_

 _'Are you ok Hannah?' I asked, gently placing my hand on her shoulder_

 _Hannah bottom lip quivered before she shook her head no and stepping forward in to my embrace, her body slamming against mine with arms wrapped tightly around my waist and the side of her cheek pressed against my chest, bring up my arms I wrapped it around Hannah tightly and held her close_

 _'What's wrong?'_

 _'I can't live like this anymore Helmet' she sobbed quietly_

 _'Why, what's happened'_

 _'Couldn't you hear them from outside?'_

 _I nodded my head weakly as Hannah clung on tighter to my body, hearing loud footsteps coming from the other side of the door in the hallway we froze in our place and looked at the closed door, the voices on the other side getting louder as they got closer to the door_

 _'I don't see way we can't take out another loan in my name Andy'_

 _'Olivia we can't afford to take out another loan, our credit history is that poor if we take another loan it will put us under. We just have to find another way to save for fuck sake'_

 _The voices of Mr and Mrs Baker lowered and muffled as their footsteps could be heard of them walking into their bedroom, their door slamming shut behind them. I guided our joined bodies over to Hannah's bed as we sat down on the edge with our arms wrapped around each other_

 _'So what did you have planned for us tonight then Hannah?' I inquired, trying to take her mind elsewhere 'Another swim at the waterfall'_

 _'Yes, another swim but not at the waterfall' she replied, nodding her head. 'It's too dark to go there now so I have another idea where too'_

 _'Where'_

 _'You'll see Helmet but we'll need some supplies first'_

 _'Ok Han'_

 _We pulled apart from each other with our hands still connected together, small tear marks were still left on Hannah's cheeks as I reached over with my thumb and wiped away the remain tears. Hannah sighed contently before flashing me a grateful smile as we got up from the bed, collecting our bags with our swimwear in them and exited out of the bedroom window, Hannah pushed her window frame closed and then linked her arm through mine as we both headed off to find the nearest grocery store…_

 _The first store we came across in the town was Baker's Drug Store as we stood outside the front door; I turned towards Hannah and motioned us to enter the store to get our supplies as she rolled her eyes at the choice of store to go first too. Hannah led us down the candy isle of the store first as I picked up a shopping basket from the side_

 _'So what are we looking for exactly?' I asked_

 _'Reese's'_

 _'Reece's' I repeated as Hannah placed some 3 pack into the basket. 'Why do we need these?'_

 _'The person that is closing up tonight loves Reece's and these will help sway him into staying a bit longer for us so we can have the whole place to ourselves for a while'_

 _'And you're sure this will work Hannah'_

 _'Trust me Helmet it will because Kat showed me once and it worked then'_

 _'If you're sure'_

 _The basket was half full with sugary treats for ourselves and the person at the leisure centre when we went to the till to pay, after much persistence from Hannah I paid for the goods as we then placed them in our bags and left the store, heading off towards the leisure centre on the other side of town_

 _When we finally arrived at the Evergreen Leisure Centre and crossed along the parking lot, most of the leisure centre was clearing out for the night and the parking lot was getting empty by the minute as cars left the premises. We entered the foyer of the reception area and waited till everyone was gone before walking over to the desk, seeing an elderly man sat behind it going through some documents on the computer screen_

 _'Sorry guys we're closed for the night' he informed us_

 _The old man turned away from the screen and looked up from his desk at us and smiled weakly_

 _'You're Ronnie aint you' Hannah inquired_

 _'Yes that's me, how can I help you Miss'_

 _'My name is Hannah and this is my best friend Clay' she introduced to the elderly man. 'We were hoping for a late night swim'_

 _'As I've told you we're closed for the night'_

 _'But are you really tho'_

 _'What are you suggesting Miss' Ronnie stated, raising a brow_

 _'Maybe you could stay open for another hour or so we'll give you these' she exclaimed, opening up her bag and showing him the sugary treats inside_

 _'As much as I love Reese's I can't, I'll get in trouble with my manager' he exclaimed, quickly licking his lips_

 _'We'll give you twenty bucks as well to sweeten the deal' I chimed in nervously_

 _'Done' he replied immediately_

 _Hannah empty out her bag of treats for Ronnie and placed them on his desk while I pulled out another twenty from my wallet and placed it next to the candy, Ronnie reached down on his desk and placed two red wristbands on the counter as we took one each and headed to the changing rooms….._

 _Ten minutes later I had changed into my black swim shorts while Hannah slipped into a red swimsuit as we shared a locker to put our stuff into the small cubical, Hannah interlaced our hands together and led us outside to the large pool and hot tube, we got into the hot tube first and set the jets to the max on the settings_

 _'This is so relaxing Helmet' she soothed_

 _'It sure is Hannah' I proclaimed. 'I could get used to this lifestyle'_

 _'When I get my own place someday this is literally the first thing I'm gonna buy'_

 _'I'll hold you to that Hannah' I replied, raising a brow_

 _Hannah shimmed across the bench in the hot tube and sat down closer to me while bumping into my arm by accident, without a thought running through my head I reached over with my left arm and placed it around her shoulders, she leaning into my chest as I kept a firm hold of our embrace in the bubbly water. I couldn't help but steal glances at her and notice how peaceful and at home she looked in my arms_

 _'Whatcha looking at Helmet' she asked, opening up her eyelids_

 _'Nothing'_

 _'Tell me'_

 _'I still can't get over your haircut' I exclaimed_

 _'You don't like it Clay' she asked, swaying her hair side to side_

 _'No I do, I'm so used to seeing you with the long hair and now seeing you with the short is something I'm gonna have to get used too but I do like your haircut'_

 _'Why thank you kind sir'_

 _Hannah pulled away from my chest and kept a small distance between in the hot tube, she lifted up her arm and flicked a small wave of water at me that didn't hit, I raised a brow and gave a knowing look as Hannah moved further away and swung her arm at the water to create a bigger splash that went over me_

 _'Seriously Hannah' I spluttered, wiping the water away from my eyes_

 _'Yes Helmet' she giggled softly_

 _'Fine, you started it'_

 _I lifted up my arm from the side of the hot tube and slammed it against the top of the body of water, the ripple effect causing a huge wave to hit her back as Hannah dives out of the way from my splash, she climbed out of the hot tube and ran to the side of the huge pool_

 _'You missed, you won't get me now' she screamed loudly_

 _'Get back here Hannah'_

 _She shook her head and eyed up the huge pool again in front of her and jumped into the air, drawing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs as Hannah dived into the pool, resurfacing for air in the deepest end of the pool while I stood up from the hot tube_

 _'You not going to chase me then Helmet' she proclaimed loudly_

 _'Just you wait'_

 _I climbed out of the hot tube and ran to the side of the pool, diving in head first into the cold depth below while swimming after Hannah in the pool as she swam further away from me as I gave chase. I finally managed to back Hannah into a corner of the shallow end of the pool, swinging my arm harshly against the top of the surface of water and drenched her over; Hannah gasped quickly and cleared the water from her eyes as I saw the growing smirk on her face_

 _'You're dead now Helmet' Hannah screamed_

 _I tried stepping away from her but Hannah still managed to soak me no matter how I moved away from her as we engaged into a heated water splash fight, the pool water flew everywhere over us and out of the pool as I surrendered from our battle as I couldn't catch my breath anymore_

 _'Watch yourself Helmet' Hannah informed me, placing her hand on my back_

 _'What'_

 _Hannah planted her left leg down in front of my right while grabbing a hold of my arm and pushed me forward in front of her as I lost my balance in the pool, spiralling down into the water and coming back up for air quickly_

 _'What the hell' I spluttered_

 _'I always get the last say in our play fights' she giggled lightly_

 _I nodded my head as Hannah put out her hands for me to take; placing my hands in her's Hannah leaned back and helped me up from the water as we were a few inches apart from each other. The laughter soon died off between us as we stood in front of each other in comfortable silence as we were lost in each other's eyes._

 _I looked down at the pool and our hands were still connected together as I rubbed my thumbs over her knuckles and stepped closer to her, moving my gaze from our joined hands to her face I saw the slight blush creep over her beautiful face while moving my gaze back down to our hands._

 _'Clay' she spoke softly_

 _'Yeah' I whispered gently_

 _My gaze went back up to Hannah's face and our gaze locked with one another neither of us moving away from each other as I saw Hannah move forward towards me, closing the distance between our faces as I felt the faint contact of her lips against mine. The sweet feel of them on me over washing the shock that she kissed me first as Hannah places her hand on the back of my neck and deepened the kiss_

 _We pulled apart for air but I was still in shock over what happened, I couldn't believe we have just kissed each other, I saw the smile on Hannah's face slowly start to fade as she moved away from me_

 _'Hannah, what's wrong' I proclaimed, placing my hand on her shoulder to stop her moving away and face me_

 _'I've ruined everything'_

 _'You haven't done anything wrong' I assured_

 _'Haven't I' she exclaimed. 'I've ruined our beautiful friendship I kissed you and now it's going to be weird between us and not the same anymore'_

 _'That's not going to happen and I won't let it, not if we both don't let it'_

 _'You sure as hell was shocked when I kissed you'_

 _'I was surprised when it happened I wasn't expecting it but I'm so glad it happened Hannah I really am'_

 _'Really Helmet' she asked_

 _I nodded my head and placed my hand against her left cheek, drawing her gaze up to mine while I bend down and softly pressed my lips against Hannah's, she placed her hands on my bare chest as she melted into kiss when I deepened the passionate kiss, pulling apart breathless a few second later as I saw the huge smile plaster across her face_

 _'Why don't we enjoy the rest of the time we have here before we get kicked for the night' I sighed contently_

 _I held out my hand for Hannah to take as she did and interlocked our finger while we walked to the edge of pool, climbing out of the pool and walking back to the hot tube, I placed my arm around Hannah as we got comfortable in the hot tube and looked up at the stars in the sky….._

 _After hanging out at the leisure centre for over an hour we had decided to call it a night there and let Ronnie have the rest of the night to himself as he went out of his for us tonight when he didn't have too. During our walk around the town our hands were still interlaced together when we came to a stop outside an ice cream parlour, when I scan read the offers on the window my stomach growled loudly as I widen my eyes in horror at the noise it was making and Hannah laughed quietly while looking down at my stomach_

 _'Come on Helmet, let's go in it's clearly a sign'_

 _We entered the ice cream parlour and was greeted by the front of house waitress who shown us to our booth in the corner of the room, we walked past some fellow juniors and seniors from Liberty High who shot us a look when we strolled past._

 _After getting comfortable in our booth we pondered over the menu and settled on waffles and shakes, we placed our order at the till and sat back down in our booth, our hands still holding onto each other's on the counter top as we waited for our order to be made_

 _'So Hannah' I spoke suddenly, breaking the silence between us_

 _'So Helmet'_

 _'Are we gonna talk about what happen at the swimming pool'_

 _Hannah looked up from the counter top at our joined hands to meet my gaze, she furrowed her brows trying to recollect what I was suggesting at but she knew what I meant as we hadn't really talked about it since the pool_

 _'The kiss' I stated_

 _'No' she protested, shaking her head_

 _'Look Hannah, everything I said at the pool was true but if you want to brush off the kiss as a friend kissing another friend then I'm more than happy too. I mean if we kiss each other again it could potentially mean something more'_

 _'So it that why you kissed me back' she smirked, raising her brow_

 _'Maybe' I laughed lightly_

 _I felt Hannah's thumb rub along my knuckles as I tried to hide the small smile forming along my lips, our gaze becoming locked with each other as the only single thing I saw and heard was just Hannah, the sparkles was in her eyes as we leaned our faces across the booth table._

 _'One Kinder Bueno waffle, one Oreo Crunch waffle and two Reese's milkshake' the waitress interrupted, placing the plates and jugs down on the counter top. 'Enjoy'_

 _'Thanks' we replied in unison while seating back in the booth_

 _The waitress walked away from our booth with the tray in her hands, we grabbed some utensils out of the holder as we prepared to tuck into our treats_

 _'Fate strikes again' Hannah chimed, sighing deeply_

 _'What an annoying bitch that is'_

 _Hannah giggled loudly while putting her cutlery down and covering a hand over my mouth to muffle down the noise, our eyes met again across the table and Hannah and I looked around our surroundings for any interruptions before we leaned over the table and connected our lips together, the small contact putting a huge smile on our faces when we pulled apart_

 _'I could get used to this' Hannah sighed happily_

 _We picked up our cutlery from the counter top and tucked into our sugary treats and milkshakes, enjoying each other's company as we talked about anything and everything that popped into our minds, both of us feeling relieved that the few kisses we shared didn't changed the way we behaved around one another….._

 _During our walk back to Hannah's house our hands were intertwined as we passed through the surrounding neighbourhood, the streets were a lot quieter now and the loud screaming shouts from the Baker's had died down. We stopped outside the gate of the Baker residence and saw through the windows that the Bakers were asleep on the couch; we walked through the front garden and stopped outside Hannah's bedroom window as she turned to face me_

 _'Thank you for an amazing night together Helmet and just being there for me earlier' she exclaimed_

 _'My pleasure Hannah' I replied. 'I'm glad I could be there for you'_

 _'I hope you are every time I need you' Hannah smiled_

 _I nodded my head and opened out my arms as Hannah stepped forward into my embrace, circling her arms around my waist tightly and was pressed up against my chest while I wrapped my arms around her. Hannah pulled away from my chest and looked up at me_

 _'Hannah' I spoke softly_

 _'Yeah'_

 _'There's something I want clear up'_

 _'Sure Helmet'_

 _'Kissing you tonight was the best thing to ever happen to me in my life and you're my best friend in the entire world but don't tell Tony that'_

 _Hannah and I laughed lightly before we pinky promised each other to not tell Tony what I just said, we still held each other close in our arms as I didn't want to let go of her just yet_

 _'The point I'm making is that I don't want us to be that kind of friends that keep on kissing each other without it meaning something when it might do to one of us, so tonight is the last night I'll kiss you before we start this pact and if we kiss afterwards then it's clear that we do want something to happen'_

 _'I love it when you ramble Helmet but yes I'll agree to our pact' she replied, nodding her head_

 _'You still coming to Jessica Davis's party next week'_

 _'I'm not sure yet I'll see'_

 _'Nothing ever good comes from I'll see' I proclaimed. 'Please say you'll come Hannah'_

 _'Maybe Helmet'_

 _'I'll take maybe' I sighed gently. 'It's getting late Hannah I best go'_

 _'Night Helmet'_

 _'Night Hannah'_

 _We pulled apart from each other's embrace but our hands still kept on lingering together, I moved my left hand away from Hannah's and cupped her left cheek, I smiled warmly before stepping forward and pressed my lips against Hannah's, I felt Hannah kiss me back passionately as I depend the kiss, pulling breathlessly away from each other moments later_

 _'Night Helmet' she replied, blowing me a kiss in the air_

 _I watched as Hannah climbed back through her bedroom window and waved goodbye from inside, I reciprocated the gesture and also said goodbye as I left the Bakers residence, heading back home and thinking about the party that was coming up soon, if Hannah does come to the party I'll definitely break the pact and kiss her…._

* * *

I played around with the wristband between my thumb and forefinger before placing it back inside the memory box, I looked up from the floor to meet Justin's gaze as he looked slightly confused and was taking in all this new revelation that would contradict what he heard from my tape and the natural assumption Hannah and I first kissed at Jessica's party

'Why wasn't any of this mentioned on the tape before Clay' Justin spoke after a while

'Guess Hannah was trying to protect me from all of you knowing the finer details of our relationship' I admitted, keeping my head down from Justin's gaze. 'I guess I'm glad she did'

'What do you mean?'

'So people like Bryce, Monty, Marcus and the rest of those dipshits wouldn't ruin the memory of her even more so for me if they knew'

Justin's phone vibrated in his pocket before going silent seconds later, he reached deep into his jean pocket and pulled out his phone and read the text message he received. Justin smiled widely before putting his phone down on his nightstand and ran his hand through his hair

'Was that Jess?' I enquired

'Yeah' he nodded his head. 'Asking if I fancied going to the beach but I can stay here with you if you like if you still want to talk'

'No' I protested loudly. 'You should go and have some fun with Jessica, you deserve it and I've already taken much up of your time as it is'

'I've got all the time in the world for you Clay' he exclaimed, getting up from his bed and walked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. 'Jess even asked if you wanted to come as well'

'I'd love too but it seems it your time together, give her my love'

'I will' Justin sighed gently. 'She's worried about you Clay, you know. We all are'

I reached up and patted Justin's hand softly and flashed him a weak smile which he reciprocated back. 'I'm fine honestly, all of you worry too much'

Justin sighed deeply once again and left our bedroom to get some stuff ready for a day on the beach with Jess, from the corner of my eye I saw Hannah reappear sat next to me on my bed and noticed the bracelet sat on my nightstand. I picked up my bracelet and slid it onto my right wrist as Hannah placed her hand onto my arm, meeting her gaze I smiled weakly

'Do you know what you are in this form I'm seeing' I asked. 'Don't worry if you don't, we'll figure it out together'

Hannah nodded her head and moved her hand up my arm till she came to a stop to my bracelet, she moved a couple of the beads a round on the loop as I my placed my other hand on top of hers, Hannah rested her head against my arm and closed her eyes while bowed my head on top of her hers. I miss you so much Hannah, I miss everything about you so god damn much…


	13. The bracelet

Mom and dad couldn't make the shopping trip with me and Justin on Saturday due to finishing off some paperwork that needed to be taken care off and be ready for the following Monday for their retrospective jobs, mom had given me her credit card for us to buy some new suits for graduation that was coming up soon in a month's time.

I parked my Prius at the furthest end of the parking lot since it was already busy by the time we had gotten here; Justin and I made our way into the crowded mall and went up some escalators to the top floor where this bespoke tailor suit shop was hidden away that dad had told us about.

After searching around the store for some inspirations on colour and design for the suit I'd pictured in my mind I had picked up a couple of jackets and trousers, entering a changing room I stripped off my jeans, grey t shirt and hoodies and tried on the grey suit. Not liking the colour of the formal attire I changed into the navy piece of formal garment.

As I straighten out the jacket and checked my overall appearance in the mirror, I didn't see myself in the navy suit anymore as I saw myself with a cap and gown on with Hannah stood beside me, my mind taking me back to conversation in the thrift store when we tried on the formal clothing Hannah found

 _'_ _Helmet'_

 _'_ _Yeah' I whispered softly, turning my head towards her_

 _'_ _I know this is a bit ahead of time but….' She paused, choosing her next words wisely. 'Will you be my date to graduation Helmet?'_

 _I tried to hide the smile off my face from Hannah's request, she didn't need to ask as it would always be a yes; I'd love to go to graduation with her but that was over two years away and a lot could change between us. I got a bit anxious and asked her what I needed to know_

 _'_ _But what if we are seeing different people by then and you have a boyfriend'_

 _'_ _Well…I'd ditch him for the day and go with my best friend instead'_

 _'_ _And who's that?'_

 _'_ _You, silly' she smirked, nudging my shoulder playfully_

I looked much closer at the mirror and saw my own reflection again in the navy suit, reaching up with my hands I wiped away the tears that hadn't spilled yet and noticed the bracelet popped out of the sleeve of the jacket.

 _'_ _No matter what happens I'll always be here for you Hannah, you know that don't you'_

Those exact words I could remember as clear as day when I made my promise to Hannah all those years ago, this bracelet will always be a reminder of that broken promise. The curtain on the rail swooshed along to one side as Justin was stood on the other; I turned my gaze to the new light entering the small space and noticed the worried look on his face

'Clay you ok brother' he exclaimed, running a hand through his hair. 'I've been calling your name like five times without reply'

'I'm good, just lost in my own thoughts for a moment'

'Where did you go?'

'Nowhere' I sighed gently. 'I think I've found my graduation suit, you found yours yet'

'It's at the till I'm just waiting for you now' Justin motioned behind him with a slight twitch of his neck

I nodded my head slowly before sliding the curtain on the rail closed again so I could change out of the suit and back into my more comfortable clothes. A few moments later I left the changing room and met Justin at the till with my suit in hand and placed it on the counter, the sales assistant put our formal attire into suit bags and rang up the bill, I placed the credit card into the reader and pushed into the four digit pin for the card. Collecting our suit bags off the top of the counter we left the store and wondered around the large shopping mall…..

Justin and I worked our way down the hustling shopping mall one floor at a time, going into other shopping outlets and browsed around the latest fashion trends and newest tech that was on the market. We walked past the Pandora outlet and stopped outside the big window unit as Justin inspected the beautiful jewellery behind the glass

'You looking to find something for Jess on graduation' I enquired

'Yeah, but everything seems to be out of my price range Clay'

'Justin you can borrow some money off me and pay me back another time' I informed him, reaching back into my pocket for my wallet

'Oh man, Clay. Thanks for the offer but I couldn't do that to you brother' he smiled gently. 'Besides I'll get something for Jess when I have the money'

'Well why don't you make something instead for Jessica for graduation'

'Like what' he stated, raising a brow

'I don't know maybe a necklace or a bracelet'

'I don't have the tools to make one from scratch Clay' Justin sighed deeply

'If you look in the right place you do Justin' I proclaimed, bumping into his shoulder lightly. 'Follow me'

I led Justin away from the huge window display of Pandora jewellery and into an arts and craft store on the other side of the shopping mall; we browsed around the aisle till I found the jewellery making section. Justin and I picked up bags of coloured glass, metal, letters beads and some different coloured string threads. We carried the items to the checkout and paid for them with the credit card mom had given me

We had left the arts and craft store with our purchased goods and headed back to my Prius, putting the shopping bags in to the truck of the car as we jumped into the front of the vehicle and left the parking lot. We arrived back home twenty minutes later and went straight to our shared bedroom, placing our new suits on the closet rail and dumbing the arts and craft bag down on the floor, we ripped open the bead bags and cut off some long lengths of thread for the bracelets…...

I had made a bracelet each for mom and dad in their favourite colours of turquoise and violet with a simple message of 'I love u' placed on each bracelet, after finishing my parents bracelet I started on a third for Justin, I put aside the special prints and letter beads I needed and started with Justin favourite colour of orange on the string.

I looked to my left and saw Hannah reappear alongside me on the floor; she reached out and placed her hand on my wrist just above where my bracelet was. I reached over with my free hand and twirled a couple of beads on my bracelet while sighing deeply, my gaze meeting Hannah's as we smiled weakly to each other

'Clay' Justin spoke softly, drawing my attention back to him

'Yeah'

'Thanks for coming up with this idea, I finally got something to give to Jess after graduation' he smiled gratefully. 'Can I ask you something?'

'Sure anything' I replied, sliding on some beads to the thread

'Who made you that bracelet on your wrist?'

'Hannah' I sighed deeply

I pulled down on my hoodie sleeve on my arm to reveal the beaded bracelet to Justin; turning my arm over and drawing it closer to me I inspected the lettering and patterned beads that were on the thread. Bringing my free hand to cover my mouth a violent shudder ran through my body while I felt tears prick my eyes, through my teary glaze eyes I saw Hannah was still sat next to me with tears in her eyes also, clasping my other hand around the bracelet I rubbed my thumb over the metal bead and thought about that night again with Hannah that I hadn't done in a long time….

* * *

 _I lay angrily on my bed staring up at the infinity poster on my ceiling, just wanting to be lost in the outer reaches of deep space right now. I couldn't believe Jeff Atkins was gone and my last words to him weren't a proper goodbye, more of subdue statement that I'll see him Monday when I wanted to be left alone after what happened in Jessica's bedroom with Hannah_

 _The buzz of my phone notification sound loudly on my nightstand as I looked over at it, ignoring the newly arrived text message I looked back up at the infinity poster trying to get lost into deep thoughts and space again_

 _Liberty High was in a state of shock and mourning when the news broke the following day on the local news channels and radio broadcasts of the tragedy that occurred during the night. Jeff's locker was littered with condolences from his fellow jocks and from the people whose lives he touched like mine when he was a live. Jeff's memorial was up for a week before being taken down and posters were placed on the walls to replace them, remind to the students of drunk driving and the damaging effects it has. Liberty High really thinks a few posters are going to change things here well they guessed wrong, I don't want to believe Jeff was drunk behind the wheel when he told me he wasn't but now these posters will send the wrong message out that he was drunk._

 _I was pulled out of my thoughts again when my phone notifications sound went off for the second time already in quick succession, reaching over for my phone on the nightstand I bought it closer to see better, I tapped the on button and slid down the notification bar on the top, seeing that I had two text messages from Hannah_

 _Placing my phone down on the bed besides me I drew in a deep breath and thought about the way I reacted towards Hannah in the hallway, all she was trying to do was talk to me and explain about something that night Jeff died and I just angry, frustrated and shouted at her to leave me alone, Hannah didn't deserve that at all when she was just trying to say something to me, me of all people should know how shitty that is to do to someone_

 _I reached for my phone again and flipped it over so I could see the screen, pressing the switch on button the screen lit up and I scrolled through to my text messages, clicking on the notifications for Hannah the two new text messages popped up on screen_

 _'_ _Do you still want to hang out with me tonight Helmet?'_

 _After rereading the first text from Hannah a couple of times I had completely forgotten that today was one of our nights we said we'd spend together. I drifted my gaze down to the next text message from Hannah I had received a few minutes later after the first_

 _'_ _I understand if you don't want too Clay and I wouldn't blame you if you did, not after the last few days have been between us :('_

 _The guilt was eating me up hard inside on how I acted towards Hannah, I had turned into every other guy at Liberty High and treated her like less of a person when I consider her to be my best friend, I don't deserve the right to be her best friend when she could choose someone better than me_

 _Pressing the power button my phone and placing it into my jean pocket I got up from my bed, I throw on my navy hoodie and zipped it up. I quietly opened my bedroom door and snuck out of my room and down the flight of steps, I saw my parents snuggled up together on the couch and too entranced into whatever tv documentary they were watching together when I crept out of the house quietly, making my way over to the Baker residence_ _…_ _.._

 _When I entered Hannah's street there was no loud shouts or screams coming from any of the houses this time around, the closer I got to the Baker's residence I could hear raised muffled voices from the living room when I tip toed over to Hannah's bedroom window. Looking through the glass pane I saw Hannah sat on her bed looking down at her phone, I only then noticed the tears trolling down her cheeks when I pulled my phone out and saw I hadn't texted her back at all since I first received them well over an hour ago. I opened up the text and started my reply back to Hannah_

 _'_ _Look out the window'_

 _I heard Hannah's phone notification buzz and her gaze drifted up from the mobile device after reading my text, she smiled weakly and rushed off from her bed to the window on the other side of the room, Hannah pushed wide open the window frame as I climbed into her bedroom without making much noise. Hannah resumed her positon on the bed while I sat down on her desk chair on the other side of the room_

 _'_ _What are you doing here Clay?' she asked_

 _'_ _You asked if I wanted to hang out with you tonight so here I am' I replied, shrugging my shoulders_

 _'_ _I sent you that text well over an hour ago with no reply back' Hannah proclaimed, folding her arms_

 _'_ _I was thinking about something else and I thought I had when I read your text, I come over straight away when I saw them Hannah' I began, sighing deeply. 'I'm sorry for not replying back'_

 _'_ _Don't be Helmet; I'm glad you came after all'_

 _Hannah flashed me another weak smile again while I bobbed my head as the awkward silence crept in between us; neither of us knew how to start the conversation next when we didn't even make eye contact with each other_

 _'_ _What were you thinking about Helmet before you came here?' Hannah exclaimed, trying to start a new conversation off_

 _'_ _I was…thinking about Jeff' I admitted, feeling tears pricking my eyes again. 'And you'_

 _'_ _Me and Jeff'_

 _'_ _More precisely the way I treated you after Jeff's death' I informed her_

 _I got up from the desk chair and slowly made my way over to the bed, sitting down opposite Hannah and sprawled my leg over the bed as I turned to face her as Hannah done the same as well_

 _'_ _You didn't deserve that Hannah, especially from me. Not when I consider you to be my best friend' I admitted_

 _'_ _You don't have to apologise Clay'_

 _'_ _No but I do Hannah' I replied back instantly, placing my hand on top of hers. 'I was angry and emotional before you can to talk to me over Jeff and everything that happen in Jessica's bedroom coming flooding back to my mind and I took it out on you when I thought you were making it all about you over what happened. So I'm sorry Hannah'_

 _'_ _It's Ok'_

 _Hannah reached over with her other hand and placed it on top of mine, my hand was sandwiched between hers and I felt a light gentle squeezed from her hands onto mine_

 _'_ _Why were you thinking about Jeff' she asked. 'It's ok if you don't want to talk about it Helmet'_

 _'_ _Its fine Hannah' I smiled weakly. 'I just hate everyone last memory of Jeff is going to be he was drunk behind the wheel when I don't think he was Hannah'_

 _'_ _I don't think he was either Clay despite what everyone else might say about him'_

 _'_ _I never even got the chance to say a proper goodbye to him Hannah at the party' I croaked, a tear sneaked free and rolled down my cheek_

 _'_ _What were your last words to him?' she inquired_

 _'_ _I'll see you Monday' I exclaimed, feeling some weight from my shoulders being lifted. 'But Monday came around and he was gone from my life'_

 _'_ _We all miss Jeff too Clay and I'm not just say that' Hannah stated. 'He was the only jock who was actually kind and nice to me in the halls, I'm gonna miss him saying hello to me every morning'_

 _'_ _I'm gonna miss that too, Jeff always went out of his way just to greet his friends a good morning even when it did get annoying at times'_

 _Hannah chuckled lightly as I did as well from the memories of Jeff greeting us good morning every day at Liberty High; I shifted a few inches closer on the bed to Hannah and smiled weakly_

 _'_ _Kind of put into perspective how short life really is sometimes and how precious life can be' I proclaimed_

 _'_ _Yeah' she nodded her head_

 _'_ _What I'm trying to say is…._ _I've lost one friend already I don't want to lose another one Hannah'_

 _'_ _You won't Helmet' Hannah assured_

 _'_ _Can we forget what happened between us in the past week and start over' I proclaimed, trying to sound hopeful as I could be. 'Can we be friends again Hannah'_

 _Hannah didn't reply to my question but showed me her answer instead when she nodded her head, leaned forward and wrapped her arms around my shoulders as I did the same and held her close in a tight embrace….._

 _After a good amount of time had passed we still held each other in one another's arms on Hannah's bed, the world outside of Hannah's bedroom door seemed to have quietened down but voices could still be heard when they passed the door ever now and again._

 _The muffled voices started up again outside the bedroom door and this time it stayed there, Hannah and I froze in fear that Mr and Mrs Baker might enter their daughter's bedroom and catch me sneaking in here without their knowledge of my presence. The voices got louder from the other side of the door when they spoke again_

 _'_ _Even with all the saving and cuts we're making around the house on food, gas and electric bills we're still way short Olivia of even making a deposit for the back rent'_

 _'_ _Maybe it's time to cut our loses on the business Andy, we both know it's sinking faster than it can float no matter what promotion we do and we can't complete with Walplex'_

 _'_ _We can't just give up so easily Liv and even if we did, how would we cope with the back rent we'd still have to pay off let alone deal with the mortgage of this place at the same time'_

 _'_ _Let's just go over the figures for everything one more time Andy and see if we can save anywhere'_

 _'_ _Ok love'_

 _Mr and Mrs Baker footsteps walked away from Hannah's bedroom door and back to the dining room table, their voices could be heard every now and again as they discussed their financial situation. I turned back to face Hannah and saw a worried look creep over her face as she tried to hide it away from me but her family turmoil had taken its toll on her_

 _'_ _Your parents still having money troubles' I asked_

 _'_ _Yeah, the rent on the store and the house are due soon and we're struggling to get the amount together' she explained. 'I'm really worried Clay'_

 _'_ _About your parents'_

 _'_ _About everything really. I'm scared we're gonna be evicted soon and then made homeless Helmet' she sobbed_

 _I reached over and tightly wrapped my arms around Hannah's shoulders, pulling her closer towards me as she sunk down into my chest and pressed the side of her face against me_

 _'_ _I won't let that happen Hannah I promise you' I assured her, rubbing my hand up and down her arm. 'Worst comes to worst you can stay with me. I mean you can stay down my house if you like but whatever'_

 _'_ _Thanks Helmet' she cooed. 'For being here'_

 _Hannah lifted her head away from my chest and wiped away some remaining tears that strained her cheeks, taking a deep breath I reached over with my hands on the bed and cupped hers. I knew she needed a distraction tonight from her woes but my presence here wouldn't be enough_

 _'_ _What do you want to do tonight Hannah since it's our night to hang out together?' I enquired_

 _'_ _It's something corny'_

 _'_ _Hey if you haven't noticed I'm the king of corny' I stated proudly, pointing my thumbs back at me. 'What did you have in mind?'_

 _'_ _Maybe make some friendship bracelets together' Hannah stated, raising a brow_

 _'_ _That doesn't sound corny at all' I assured while flashing her a small smile. 'That sounds really fun the more I think about it'_

 _'_ _It's a good thing I came prepared then aint it'_

 _Hannah leaned an arm off her bed and rummaged around for a something under the bed, placing a brown paper bag down on the bed moments later and dumped the contents on the bed, packets of beads and string fell on the duvet cover. We started ripping open the plastic bags full of different coloured beads and then cut up some long strips of thread_

 _'_ _Are we making one for each other?' I asked_

 _'_ _Of course we are silly' she proclaimed. 'We've got more than enough material if you want to make more Helmet'_

 _'_ _I was thinking of making one for Tony as well'_

 _'_ _No way me too' she exclaimed quickly_

 _Hannah and I stopped what we were doing on the bed from sorting out the beads we might need and looked up at each other; I never knew Tony and Hannah knew each other very well let alone consider the other to be a close friend; we definitely need to hang out soon just the three of us somewhere someday_

 _'_ _Great minds think alike' I sighed gently_

 _'_ _They certainly do'_

 _I pulled out my phone from my jean pocket and opened up the Spotify app, putting on a playlist from the indie rock genre that Hannah and I enjoyed the most. We picked up our beads while the music played from my phone as we started making our friendship bracelets…_

 _After putting the finishing touches to Hannah's bracelet I hid it from her as I wanted it to be a surprise for her when Hannah saw it. I looked over to Hannah's pile of bracelets and noticed she had one each for her parents and one for Tony to have; she placed the final bead on the thread and covered it out of view for me to see_

 _'_ _Do you want to go first or shall I?' I enquired_

 _'_ _No you first Helmet'_

 _I nodded my head while moving a bit of the duvet out of Hannah's view to reveal my bracelet for her, multiple colours of orange and yellow were used with her name spelled out on white beads. On each ends of her name I had placed a special metal design bead; one with a bunny and the other being large silver star_

 _'_ _What do you think Hannah?'_

 _'_ _I love it Helmet, it's beautiful' she gushed, admiring my handy work. 'I love the colours you used'_

 _'_ _There's a secret meaning behind them colours'_

 _'_ _Which is?' Hannah asked_

 _'_ _The colours represent the sun' I began, looking back down at the bracelet. 'It's a saying I heard but can't remember where. 'Things can't be that bad in the world if the sun is out shining'. Like I said it may sound stupid but it's stuck with me since I heard it years ago'_

 _'_ _I don't think it's stupid at all Helmet'_

 _'_ _This bracelet I'm about to give you I want it to be a promise Hannah'_

 _'_ _And what is this promise Helmet'_

 _'_ _I promise to be always there for you Hannah whenever you need me ok, anytime time of the day or night I'll always be there for you no matter what comes our way'_

 _I motioned down for Hannah to put her left arm out in front of me to which she placed down in my lap, picking up both ends of the bracelet string I looped it under Hannah's wrist and tied the ends tightly together. Turning her arm over I kept clasp of her hand and brought it closer to my me, gently placing a soft kiss to her knuckles as my thumb rubbed along them afterwards_

 _'_ _No matter what happens I'll always be here for you Hannah, you know that don't you'_

 _'_ _I do Helmet' Hannah nodded her head and smiled weakly. 'Now it's your turn Clay'_

 _I smiled back at Hannah as she removed a little bit of the duvet to reveal her hard work, colour beads of navy and dark emerald filled the string with my personal nickname Hannah used spelled out. On the ends of my nickname were a silver crescent moon and on the other being a heart, I stuck my left wrist out towards Hannah as she tied the ends of the bracelet she made onto me_

 _'_ _This is perfect' I exclaimed while twirling a couple of beads on the string_

 _'_ _You like it Helmet' she smiled hopefully, raising a brow_

 _'_ _I love it Hannah, a lot'_

 _'_ _You definitely promise me' she gulped lightly. 'To always be by my side'_

 _'_ _I'll always will be Hannah'_

 _I watched as Hannah intertwined our fingers and gave a gentle squeeze of our hands, she brought our joined hands up to her mouth and gently kissed the back of my hand while dropped it back down between us, just before our joined hands hit the bed I pulled a little harder and brought our hands towards my mouth and kissed the back of her hand_

 _'_ _Can I ask you something about my bracelet Hannah?' I asked while touching the metal beads on the end of my nickname_

 _'_ _Of course Helmet'_

 _'_ _The crescent I understand from when I showed you the eclipse but the heart I don't' I explained, raising a brow. 'Is it your heart Hannah…. metaphorically speaking'_

 _'_ _Maybe it is Helmet' she smirked playfully. 'Metaphorically speaking'_

 _I rolled my eyes and huffed loudly as Hannah giggled playfully for the first time in ages since I last heard her do that when we were at the leisure centre, it looked like we were back on track to being our normal selves around each other again. Playful, laughter and happiness back in each other's lives again but I couldn't help but noticed the sadness and sorrow in Hannah's eyes this evening that she best tried to hide away from me_ _._

 _As Hannah put a dvd into her laptop and started up a Disney movie we went about making more jewellery together with the left over material as I tried my best to cheer her up tonight and permanently put a smile back on her beautiful face, surely from tonight Hannah must now know I would never think differently of her and ever leave her side again; surely she must remember that even with the friendship bracelet we made each other as an another reminder…_

* * *

I finished up making my final bracelet and tied the loose ends together on all of them, placing the newly finished bracelets to one side I looked down at my wrist at the one Hannah made for me and twirled a couple of beads, bring the bracelet closer to me I kissed the metal heart bead which brought a few tears to my eyes when I asked about the meaning of choosing this exact bead for my bracelet

After composing myself and wiping away the tears that blurred my vision I saw Justin had a sympatric look on his face, he moved closer to me across the floor and placed his arm around my shoulders, I leaned into his touch and felt an uncontrollable wave of emotions hit me hard as I fought to keep the tears back again

'Can I ask you something Clay?'

'Sure'

'Why isn't the bracelet in the memory box?' Justin questioned

I knew Justin was going to ask that question sooner rather than later since everything I've shown him had come out of the box, I did everything I could to hide my bracelet from everyone as I didn't want the interrogation of who made it and its true origins, I'd hate to remember the promises I made to Hannah that I didn't keep that this personal bracelet will always be a permanent reminder of

'Because I didn't keep my promise to Hannah'

'You can't keep blaming yourself Clay for what happened' Justin exclaimed tearfully. 'You shouldn't be blaming yourself, you couldn't have known she was gonna kill herself let alone stop Hannah from doing so'

'I could have saved her Justin' I admitted

'You don't know that Clay if things played out differently' he proclaimed. 'I know you loved Hannah so much than the rest of us, she wouldn't want you to keep blaming yourself like this'

'But I do know that Justin if I did something different on her last day on earth, I could have stopped her I could have saved Hannah'

'How'

'I'm not ready to tell you that just yet Justin, that day is too painful to relive after today and my failed promises to Hannah'

Justin fell silent and gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze before letting go of me; he went back to the floor to put the jewellery he made into some presentation boxes that we bought from the arts and craft store.

I grabbed the memory box from my nightstand and pulled out Hannah's eleven reasons why not list from the memory box and read the two reasons why not about me again, my gaze twitched in front of me and saw Hannah appear back in the room again and sat perched on Justin's bed, her eyes drifted down to the piece of paper in my hands while she knew what I was reading. Hannah shook her head as tears filled her eyes and started to spill as I nodded my head even after what she had written

'I could have saved you Hannah' I mouthed out

More tears spilled from Hannah's eyes as she shook her head no repeatedly, I continued to my nod my head at Hannah as I felt the liquid spill from my eyes down my cheek. Looking down at my bracelet I rubbed my thumb over Hannah's heart and then looked up at her, my gaze locked with hers and I mouthed out again 'I could have' to Hannah.

After countless hours of tossing and turning in my bed during the night my eyelid flew wide open and I looked over to my alarm clock, seeing that is was past three am in the morning I laid back down on my back in bed. The warmth from my bed was a welcoming relief but the urge to pee was uncontrollable, I don't think I could hold out much longer as I pushed the covers off me and climbed out of bed

Opening the door to the bathroom I flicked on the light switch and a shining reflection from the sink caught my eye; I walked quickly to the toilet and relieved myself. Moving over to the sink I washed my hands and the small shiny object on top of the sink caught my eye again as it glisten from the light above. Picking up the shiny object I saw it was a razor blade and looked around the bathroom if Hannah was here with me but she wasn't, turning my other arm over I held the razor blade over my wrist

'I wonder what it must have felt like'

Looking up from my forearm and into the bathroom mirror I didn't see any tears well up in my eyes anymore or spill from them this time, gently tracing the razor blade up my arm and hand I took a deep breath and gently pressed down the razor blade against my thumb and sliced down it. I didn't feel the pain at first but while slicing I felt numb from the experience and a new sense of freedom I never have felt before in a long time.

Spotting my blood drops against the sink bowl from my thumb I grabbed some band aids out of the cabinet over the sink and placed the small strips around my thumb to stop the bleed. I washed out the sink bowl of my blood and made my way back to my bedroom

I quietly closed my bedroom door and saw Justin was fast asleep in his bed, he looked so at peace with the world as he slept, god only knows what it was like on the streets when he was out there all alone.

'I hope you can dream of a happy future Justin as I can't see one for myself anymore' I admitted

I pulled some of his duvet back over him and tucked Justin in as he still slept soundly, bending over I softly placed a gentle kiss to Justin's forehead before turning around and seeing Hannah sleeping sound asleep in my bed

'I didn't know ghosts sleep'

I climbed back into my bed and snuggled up closer to Hannah while throwing some of my duvet over her sleeping body even tho I know she isn't there. Rubbing my plastered thumb against my finger I couldn't help but feel numb again within myself and the world and wonder what life would be like if I wasn't here anymore since I couldn't see a reason to keep on living without Hannah. Wiggling closer to Hannah I sniffled lightly and took a deep breath

'We'll be together soon Hannah' I admitted tearfully. 'I promise'


	14. The notes

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

My eyelids flew open from the annoying ringing sound that came out of my alarm clock on the nightstand; I let the sound buzz around the room for a few moments to wake Justin up as well till he groaned annoyingly into his bed. Justin rose up out of his bed and switched off my alarm clock, I met his gaze and he smiled sleepily before heading down for breakfast

I stared up at my infinity poster and thought about the day ahead, everyone would be excited to finally graduate and move forward in life from Liberty High and into pastures new, little did everyone know today will be the last time they ever saw of me alive. Turning over on my side I saw Hannah lying beside me in my bed as I jumped back in surprise

'Today is not going to be the same without you Hannah'

Hannah nodded her head and smiled weakly as I did also, remembering instantly that promise in the thrift store we made to each other for when graduation came around. Hannah lifted up her hand out of the bed and placed it over my arm, near where my bracelet sat on my wrist

'I miss you so much like crazy' I admitted

Reaching up with my right hand I twirled a few beads on my bracelet, a nervous tic I started to develop whenever I thought about Hannah. I brought my wrist up closer to me and gently kissed the metal heart bead before getting up out of bed, turning on my heel to see Hannah was still where she was in my bed

'I guess I'll be seeing you around during the day no hap'

Hannah nodded her head as I smiled weakly back and twirled a few more beads on the bracelet, taking a deep breath and composing myself I left the my bedroom and headed downstairs to the kitchen, finding my parents and Justin sat at the small circular table with a full course breakfast meal spread amongst the table as they all waited patiently for me to join them

'Morning sweetie, how did you sleep?' Mom greeted warmly

'Ok I guess' I stated, pulling out a chair at the table and sitting between my dad and Justin. 'What's the occasion?'

'No reason, I just thought we could have a nice family breakfast together before you boys both flock the nest soon after graduation'

Little did everyone know at this table that this would be the last family breakfast we would have together, I didn't want to hurt them anymore than I would after today

'You given any more thought into which college you want to go to Clay' Dad questioned, looking up from his tablet

'It's either between UCLA or West Virginia' I proclaimed to them

'West Virginia' they all exclaimed, their eyes popping out of their sockets when they heard my second choice of higher education

'Shepherdstown to be more exact, Shepard University' I informed them

Over the last few months I had given some real thought into my future and where I could possibly go to next after Liberty, I had drawn up a list of possible choices of Arizona State University, University of Nevada, Reno that were closer to home and also including West Virginia on my list to broaden my horizons, somewhere on the other side of the country where I could reinvent myself and be someone new than what I already am here, just like Hannah wanted to do and move to New York and start afresh after Liberty High

'It's a bit far aint it' Justin interjected, picking up his folk and knife

'On the other side of the country to be exact Justin' Mom had corrected

'Why there Clay' Dad questioned, moments those words left his mouth I heard my mom smack her foot against his shin underneath the table

'Yeah, why not somewhere closer to home so I can visit you' Justin proclaimed, tucking into his pancakes

'No reason. I went over my options and I did think about somewhere closer to home but West Virginia seems really plausible to me'

'Well whatever college you choose to go to Clay, we'll support your decision never the less' Mom smiled, gently placing her hand over my mine and gave a gentle squeeze

'Thanks mom' I sighed deeply

'So can we hear a sneak preview of your graduation speech' she exclaimed. 'I've heard you practising it for weeks now'

'Mom' I groaned loudly, placing my knife and folk down on either side of my plate

'I know you're gonna ace it Clay when you deliver it' Justin stated happily, flashing me a quick smile

'Sweet talk isn't going to work on me Justin or you mom' I proclaimed, picking up a sliced piece of pancake and taking a small bite out of it. 'You'll just going to have to wait for it like everyone else later'

I chuckled lightly before tucking back into my pancakes on my plate as the rest of my family laughed as well, reaching over I placed my hand over the top of my mother's and squeezed back as she petted my hand. Little did the rest of my Jensen family know this would be the last time the four of us would ever see me smile or laugh again. Hannah walked into the kitchen out of thin air and leaned against the counter top, holding up a piece of pancake on my folk I looked up and met her gaze, her gaze left mine and looked around the small circular dining table before coming back to me, her eyes pleaded with me not to go through what I had planned today and take stock of my life. Ducking my gaze down from her I knew if I kept on looking into her eyes I would give in eventually and wouldn't go through with it…..

After I finished breakfast I freshen up for the day and changed into some clean clothes after my long hot shower. Slipping into my favourite pair of jeans, plain white t-shirt and black converses I made my way downstairs to the living room to grab my hoodie off the rack as I had an errand to run for the day. When I reached the foyer of the house the front door bell rang loudly for a few quick short busts

'I got it' I screamed loudly into the house to no one in particular

Walking towards the front door I twisted the knob handle and pulled back on the wooden frame, stunned and surprised to see Miss Baker standing on the other side of the door, she flashed me warm gentle smile just like Hannah used to do as I lead her inside the house and into the living room

'What are you doing here Miss Baker? I though you couldn't make it' I proclaimed, sitting down on the couch next to her

'Well your parents and I decided we'd surprise you on me coming here and since you personally sent me the invitation to your graduation I couldn't say no sweetheart'

'Thank you for coming Mrs Baker, it truly means a lot to me that you're here'

'I wouldn't have missed it Clay'

Miss Baker leaned forward from the couch and spread out her arms wide open; she wrapped her tender arms around me and held me close. Pulling up my arms from behind her and I wrapped mine around her tightly and buried my face in the crook of her neck, Miss Baker lifted up her hand and softly petted my hair and whispered some sweet nothings that I didn't heard properly when I was comforted by her

'Oh just before I forget I got something for you' she exclaimed, pulling away from me

'For me?' I stated, raising my brows

'I was going through Hannah's possessions and I came across something, I don't have any need for it but I thought you might want it' she began, opening up her handbag and searching around inside. 'Whenever I used to check up on Hannah in the middle of the night I would always find her snuggled up to it and she told me you and Hannah got one each and called them your babies'

Miss Baker pulled out a small blue stuffed doll that was dressed in a crop top and mini skirt with large red button eyes and purple ponytailed hair, there was no mistaking who that doll was as Miss Baker showed me, a small smile crept along my face as I took the doll from her as the memories of that night came flooding back to my mind

'Harley' I whispered softly

'So you know her then Clay'

'Hannah and I picked her out to be a girlfriend for my zombie doll' I admitted. 'You sure I can have her Miss Baker'

'I'm sure Clay I don't have a use for her and it might keep your zombie doll company' she winked

I nodded my head while bringing Harley up to me and took a sniff of the blue stuffed doll, just like the beanie in my memory box it still smelled like Hannah; she must cuddled with it every night since we got it to leave her essence on Harley

'It still smells like Hannah' I sighed happily

I talked to Miss Baker for a while long in the living room and found out what she has been up too in New York since we last spoke to each other at Monet's during Hannah's wake after the memorial service. After rushing to my bedroom to place Harley down on my bed I came back down the living room and threw on my hoodie, my parents and Miss Baker were conversing amongst themselves as I picked up my car keys, my gaze collided with Miss Baker and she smiled warmly at me again as I stepped closer to her

'Um Miss Baker, just before you came I was going to go visit Hannah' I began, placing my hand on the back of my neck. 'Would you…like to come along?'

'Sure sweetheart' she nodded her head before getting up from the couch. 'I was planning on visiting her after the ceremony but since we got time I'll come with you'

I nodded my head as Miss Baker joined me by my side and we left the house after my parents shut the door behind us, I escorted her to my Prius and we climbed inside my car before pulling away from the side of the curb, heading towards the cemetery on the other side of the town…..

On the way to the graveyard I pulled over to the nearest florist store I saw open and purchased the biggest bouquet of red tulips and sunflower that they could make together while Miss Baker bought a bouquet of iris, sunny daffodils, lush anemones and tulips. Once we were at the cemetery I parked up close to Hannah's grave as Miss Baker grabbed the bouquets of flower from the back seat and handed me mine, she linked her arm through mine as we walked together down the path to Hannah's final resting place

'Miss Baker' I spoke softly

'Yeah Clay' she hummed

'There's something I need to tell you' I gulped. 'I hope you won't be mad at me for it'

'You can tell me Clay I promise I won't get mad' she smiled assuringly

'Since you left for New York I've been doing the maintenance around Hannah's final resting place'

'That's very kind of you Clay to do that even when you didn't have too' she exclaimed. 'Why would you think I would be mad at that?'

'It's not that Miss Baker it's something else'

'Oh'

'You'll see in a minute'

She nodded her head as we continued to walk down the path and finally came to Hannah's gravestone, the grass was cut short and well maintained to a leafy green colour and the headstone was kept clean when I visited often but there was no mistaking from anyone not seeing the small plant placed next to the headstone. Miss Baker pulled away from my arm and crouched down to the plant and had a few sniff of the lilies growing, I crouched down to her level as she turned back to face me

'I'm sorry for planting the lilies next to her headstone Miss Baker' I sniffled, feeling tears prick my eyes. 'I know it's not something people do at the graveyard but it was Hannah's favourite flowers and I wanted them to be on hand for her'

'You don't have to apologise Clay, I understand the gesture for them' she proclaimed, placing her hand on mine and giving them a gentle squeeze

'The lilies also give me another reason to come down her and water them'

'What was that then Clay?' she exclaimed

'To visit Hannah and not to forget about her' I admitted tearfully. 'Not that I ever would'

Miss Baker nodded her head as I placed my bouquet of flowers down at the bottom of the small headstone, pressing my fore and middle fingers together I kissed them first before touching Hannah's name that was engraved into the stone

'Love you Hannah' I admitted tearfully

Miss Baker placed her beautiful bouquet of flowers down next to mine as I reached over to the plant and cut off a lily from the stem, getting up from the crouching position I stood over Miss Baker and placed my hand down on shoulder, she clasped her free hand onto mine and tried her best to compose herself

'Take as long as you need Miss Baker, I'll be waiting in the car'

She bobbed her head as she spoke quietly to her daughter while I made my way back to my Prius, once I climbed inside I stared down at the lily in my hand and took a whiff of the flower, after a quick glance in the rear view mirror I saw a figure seating in the middle of the back seat that scared the ever living day light out of me, quickly turning in my seat I saw Hannah sat behind me, she looked out the window and I followed her gaze to her final resting place

'You like the flowers me and your mom got you'

Hannah nodded her head and motioned down towards the lily in my hand, I explained to her that the flower was a representation of her and if I don't see her during the ceremony than at least some part of Hannah will be during the ceremony as I would put the lily in my suit buttonhole. Once I was done explaining I heard the passenger door open and Miss Baker climbed inside, looking in the rear view mirror Hannah was still sat in the back seat of my car

'We don't have to leave just yet if you don't want to Miss Baker, the ceremony aint for hours yet so you can still talk to Hannah if you like'

'I've said what I needed to say to her'

'What did you say to Hannah?' I enquired hopefully

'That's conversation was between a mother and her daughter' she smiled weakly. 'I'll come back and visit her again before I fly back to New York, will you come with me Clay'

'Sure'

I nodded my head and started up the engine of my Prius, shifting the car into gear I felt Miss Baker place her hand on top of mine on the gearstick, giving my hand a light gentle squeeze while I turned to face her. Catching her gaze I watched as she mouthed thank you before pulling her hand back from mine. I guess she needed my support in just being there to come to the cemetery just like when I needed Tony by my side when I first came to visit after they buried Hannah…

After we finished having lunch together at the dining table I decided to have another shower today to wash off my funk and slowly start to get ready for the graduation ceremony. With a towel wrapped around my waist I entered my bedroom and got changed into my fresh ironed shirt and trousers, with a tie in my hands I stood in front of the mirror and sorted my knot while practising my speech, in the last few weeks the speech had become etched into my brain as I didn't need my cue cards to remember it from start to finish

My bedroom door burst open unexpectedly and Justin walked in dressed in his suit trousers and shirt that we had brought from the mall with a tie in his hand, he came up to me while placing the tie around his shirt's neck

'Can you help me please Clay?' Justin asked hopefully

'Of course'

Adjusting the length of tie around Justin's neck I crossed the material over each other and began making his Winsor knot for him, his gaze dropped down to the notes I left on my chest of drawers and smiled warmly

'You ready for it Clay' he stated

'As I'll ever be' I gulped

I finished up the knot and stood back from the mirror while Justin checked over his appearance in the mirror; he smiled widely before moving away and sat down on my bed. As I sat down next to Justin I brought the memory box closer to me and held it in my lap

'There's still one more item in the memory box I haven't told you about but I need too Justin' I admitted

'Are you sure Clay' he exclaimed, raising a brow. 'We've got a big day ahead of us, cant it wait till tomorrow when you can take all the time in the world to tell me'

'No Justin it can't' I replied, shaking my head side to side. 'I need to tell you now, I need to get it off my chest and I know you're dying to know what it is'

'Ok Clay' Justin sighed gently, placing his hand on my shoulder

Popping of the lid of the memory box and placing it to the side of me I searched around inside for the final item that hasn't been told yet, finding the pieces of paper I pulled them out of the box and unfold them, looking at the first piece of paper my breathe hitched in my throat at the small amount of words written. Flipping over to the other piece of paper I started reading the hand written note from Hannah directly for me….

* * *

 _The sun was shining brightly on this warm autumn day when I arrived at Liberty High school, young lives fully of energy buzzed around me when I walked across the school courtyard to the concrete bleachers. Climbing up the big steps of concrete I made my way to the top of bleachers and sat down on the cold seat, pulling up my hood of my hoodie I looked down and saw Hannah come out of the side entrance of the building with two coffee cups in her hands_

 _I watched as she searched and scanned around the whole playground from left to right before turning her attentions to the concrete bleachers, her gaze slowly working its way up the levels till she spotted me at the top all alone. Hannah smiled widely before cutting across fellow students in the courtyard and walked up the steps of the bleachers, coming to a halt besides me as she didn't seat down on the cold seat just yet_

 _'_ _What you doing up here all alone Helmet' she asked, looking over the playground before seating down next to me. 'All brooding like Batman'_

 _'_ _It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me' I spoke deeply, trying to mimic Christian Bale's voice_

 _Hannah laughed softly at my failed attempt to copy Batman's brooding tone as we had watched the dark knight trilogy in one go a few months back together, pulling my hood down I turned in my seat to face her slightly_

 _'_ _In all seriousness' Hannah sighed deeply. 'Why are you up here?'_

 _'_ _Thought I'd enjoy the quietness up here Hannah before the storm starts'_

 _'_ _Ok Helmet, here I got you this' she shrugged_

 _Hannah offered me one of the paper coffee cups in her hand as I took it from her, lifting the cup to my nose I smelt the warm beverage inside and was hit with the sweet smell of chocolate. Taking a sip of my hot chocolate I silently moaned at how good Monet's make their hot chocolate_

 _'_ _Hot chocolate at quarter to nine in the morning' I questioned, raising a brow. 'Really Hannah'_

 _'_ _Anytime is hot chocolate time'_

 _'_ _Not really a breakfasts drink tho'_

 _'_ _Urgh the day I start drinking coffee in the morning is the same day you start Helmet'_

 _'_ _Touché Hannah'_

 _Over the course of our yearlong plus friendship we had started to notice each other's morning routines on what we liked to have and drink at that time of the day, she knew I grotesque coffee and would prefer a tea instead but when I stayed at Hannah's it was hot chocolate for breakfast._

 _As we stayed at the top of the concrete bleachers together we saw some of the faculty staff arrive to Liberty and head straight towards their classrooms while one lingered as a safe guarding staff in the playground. The back door of the side building swung open and Mr Porter stepped out into the courtyard, he had his phone pressed up against his ear while he quickly strolled along back to the main building of Liberty High to most probably his office_

 _'_ _Someone is in a rush' I stated sarcastically_

 _'_ _Well I hope he has got a minute for me later'_

 _'_ _You thinking of seeing him Hannah' I replied, raising a brow_

 _'_ _Maybe'_

 _I sipped down the last remaining contents of my hot chocolate and put my cup down from my face, I wasn't expecting that answer from her. I tuned to face Hannah slightly and motioned my head for us to leave from the concrete bleachers and start making out way to the main building, walking down the steps we stopped at the bottom of them as I wonder what she wanted to see Mr Porter about today_

 _'_ _Hannah'_

 _'_ _Yeah' she spoke softly_

 _'_ _I know it's certainly not my place to ask and get an answer from you' I began, feeling a lump in my throat form. 'It's nothing important why you want to see Mr Porter about is it'_

 _'_ _Not really Clay'_

 _'_ _Is it something to do with home life Hannah' I asked. 'You can tell me anything that's happening at home if you want to get it off your chest, I am here for you Hannah'_

 _I stepped forward to Hannah and softly placed my hand down against her shoulder, the moment my hand made contact with her I watched as she quickly flinched and moved away from me. Hannah lifted her loose strains of short hair out of her sight and widens her eyes as I saw a small amount of horror in her eyes, never before when I have touched her has she ever reacted like that. We've touched and hugged each other over more times we would like to count and not once before has she reacted like this, something wasn't right at all I just know it_

 _Taking a deep breath I stepped towards Hannah and closed the distance between us again, I looked down and took a hold of her hand in mine, gently rubbing my thumb across her knuckles reassuringly. Lifting up my other arm I pushed my arm further out of the hoodie's sleeve to reveal the friendship bracelet in front of Hannah again_

 _'_ _Remember when we made these Hannah'_

 _'_ _Of course I do Helmet'_

 _'_ _And the promises we made each other that night'_

 _'_ _Yeah' Hannah replied tearfully_

 _'_ _You can tell me if something is going on with you or something that's happened' I exclaimed. 'I don't care if I have to ask you all day Hannah because I will get it out of what's troubling you and we'll figure it. Together Hannah'_

 _'_ _Nothing has happened to me Clay' she replied defensively_

 _'_ _You told me I own your heart Hannah, so look me in the eye and tell me again nothing it going on with you' I protested_

 _Hannah had tears welling up in her eyes and held them back from flowing, she took a hold of both of my hands and composed herself before she spoke again and took some deep breathes_

 _'_ _Nothing has happened to me Clay, I'm fine' she tried to reassure_

 _I shook my head vigorously and held back tears of my own, anger and frustration boiled around inside of me as I was getting nowhere with Hannah. 'I still don't believe you Hannah'_

 _'_ _Please Clay' she begged, cupping my cheeks. 'Just let it go and you know, you know I would come and tell you if something was wrong. I wouldn't keep anything from you, you're my best friend Helmet'_

 _'_ _Ok Hannah' I nodded my head_

 _I knew if I kept on pushing with Hannah it would have multiples of different outcomes from her breaking down in an instant to me in front of everyone to completely lashing out and never wanting to have anything to do with me again so I just backed off for now. When we meet up later this evening to spend our night together I'll ask Hannah again was it wrong with her, I don't care if it takes all night I'll get my answer some way or another_

 _Hannah moved closer and raised herself up on her tiptoes, slowly leaning forward and gentle pressed her lips against my cheek, feeling a little tingled run across my body from the delicate touch I also felt a small amount of liquid run down her cheek and touch mine_

 _'_ _Thank you' she whispered_

 _'_ _For what?'_

 _'_ _Everything Helmet'_

 _Second after she muttered those last words Hannah threw herself against me and wrapped her arms tightly around my chest, burying her face against my t-shirt and clinging on for dear life as if she didn't want to let go just yet. She finally pulled away and trailed her hands down my arms and stopped at my bracelet, twirling a few beads that has become a habit of mine that she must have noticed as Hannah smiled weakly_

 _'_ _What's up Cory?'_

 _I frowned and looked around me as I couldn't see a Cory anywhere near me but spotted Montgomery, Justin, Zack, Scott, Ramirez and a few others teammate from the baseball team walking into the court yard and coming over to us_

 _'_ _Name's Clay dipshit' I muttered under my breathe_

 _'_ _What's that you got on your wrist?' he asked jokingly_

 _'_ _Nothing'_

 _'_ _Sure doesn't look like nothing' he replied back, raising his brows suggestively to his friends_

 _Scott and Ramirez lunged forward and each grabbed a hold of my arms to restrained me from moving, Monty pushed up my sleeve of my hoodie and yanked off my bracelet and spun it around on his index finger, eyeing a few beads every now and then_

 _'_ _Bit gay isn't it to have a bracelet Cory' Monty exclaimed. 'You don't see us guys wearing a piece of shit like this'_

 _'_ _He's name is Clay' Hannah interjected furiously. 'Dickhead'_

 _'_ _Potty mouth on this one' he laughed. 'Why don't you put that mouth to good use here'_

 _Monty grabbed a hold of his crotch and started shaking it in front of Hannah, all of Monty's friend laughed hysterically at his actions as Hannah turned red and furious, trying her best to hold back her anger_

 _'_ _Fucking slut' he spat out_

 _'_ _Hey, don't talk to her like that' I cried out. 'Ever'_

 _'_ _Maybe those gay rumours we're true after all' Monty proclaimed. 'Makes sense since you two hang out often. What were you trying to do to him Hannah? Conversion therapy'_

 _'_ _Fuck you and all your dipshit mates' I sighed deeply_

 _'_ _Why don't you come around mine tonight Hannah and I'll show you what a real man is'_

 _'_ _Fucking perv' she exclaimed furiously_

 _'_ _Just back off and leave her alone, that goes for all of you' I screamed at the top of my lungs, looking around his circle of asshole mates_

 _'_ _Says who'_

 _'_ _Says me, Clay Jensen' I exclaimed. 'Now can I have my bracelet back Montgomery?'_

 _'_ _You need to be taught a lesson Cory about respect, I was gonna give this back to you but you need to know your place here and I'm gonna sky this fucker on the roof'_

 _'_ _No' I shouted loudly_

 _'_ _Just give it back to him Monty' Hannah cried_

 _I charged at Monty just as he threw my bracelet to Zack who threw it to someone else when I got close to them as they started a game of piggy in the middle. I ran around tirelessly in a circle trying to get my bracelet back, Monty grabbed a hold of me and kept me in place as he threw the bracelet to Justin_

 _'_ _Go on Justin, sky that shit on the roof'_

 _Justin tossed my bracelet in his hands as he debated what to do next with it, give in to Monty demand or throw it back to me which seemed unlikely. After what seemed like a lifetime had passed Justin threw back my bracelet to Hannah and looked ashamed_

 _'_ _You're no fun Justin' Monty called out_

 _'_ _Whatever dude' he shrugged. 'Let's go and meet Bryce out front, he'll be here soon'_

 _Monty and the rest of his crew soon left immediately and went back through the side door of the school building to meet their ring leader. Hannah came up to me and pushed up the sleeve of my hoodie where I normally kept the bracelet, she slid my bracelet back onto my wrist and tightened up the string that held them together. We both checked I wasn't missing a bead as I counted from one end and Hannah the other, both of us stopping on the metal heart bead and met each other's gaze_

 _'_ _I've still got your heart bead' I sighed thankfully_

 _'_ _You'll always have my heart Clay Jensen'_

 _Hannah brought up my left arm and gently kissed the metal shaped heart, after kissing the bead she slightly moved my bracelet up my arm and placed another delicate kiss on my pulse and smiled warmly_

 _'_ _Stay pure Helmet'_

 _'_ _Are we still gonna meet up tonight Hannah' I questioned_

 _'_ _Of course' she smiled weakly, trying to sound hopeful_

 _'_ _Am I coming down your house tonight or are you coming to mine'_

 _'_ _I'm not fussed either way'_

 _'_ _Cool you can come to mine tonight since my parents are having a date night and I've got the place to myself'_

 _'_ _Not scared are we? Being home alone'_

 _'_ _Of course not Hannah' I proclaimed, shoving my hands into pockets of my hoodie. 'Promise you'll come'_

 _'_ _I promise Helmet'_

 _Hannah stepped forward and enveloped her arms around me tightly as I threw my arms back around her, we held each other tightly in our embrace like we didn't want to let go of each other just yet for the day. Hannah pulled away and walked a few feet towards the side entrance door to the school, she froze in her place and turned back around to me_

 _'_ _You not coming Helmet'_

 _'_ _I got to meet Tony before school starts, he says he's got some new bike parts for me' I explained, looking out for my friend to arrive yet. 'You go on ahead Hannah I'll meet up with you inside'_

 _'_ _Ok Clay'_

 _I watched as Hannah bowed her head down to the ground and entered the school via the side entrance, she seems a little different than usual and especially with the hugs, lasting longer than it usually does between us. Whatever is going on with her I'll find out tonight when Hannah comes around mine for our usual get together…._

 _When the bell rang for the second class of the day and students piled into their retrospective classrooms I expected to see Hannah wonder through the door any minutes for our shared studies of communication class but she didn't show. I looked towards the door and couldn't see any movement outside in the hall_

 _'_ _Clay you still with us' a voice called out from behind me_

 _I snapped my head to the other side of the classroom to Mrs Bradley when I could hear the small hum laughter of some of my fellow classmates at my obliviousness_

 _'_ _Yes Mrs Bradley'_

 _'_ _Then what was I talking about Mr Jensen'_

 _'_ _Umm….ugh'_

 _I could feel all eyes were on me in the classroom as Mrs Bradley had called me out on my lie, I couldn't remember a single word anyone had said in class today as I was too busy focused on when Hannah would get here and why hasn't she showed up yet. A few a minutes of searching around inside my head I couldn't think of anything and just shrugged my shoulders_

 _'_ _Never mind Clay, just pay more attention in future when I'm speaking ok'_

 _'_ _Sure Mrs'_

 _'_ _Right where were we class?'_

 _'_ _Body language' Sheri Holland interjected_

 _Mrs Bradley continued on with her lesson for the day and her usual teaching style method of actively walking around the room, I had lost my focus again and turned back to the small pane of glass in the door to see if I could spot Hannah anywhere in the hall._

 _Fifteen minutes had passed of the class and my full attention was on the door when I caught a glimpse of a figure in the small window view standing a few feet back not to be seen by anyone else in the class, Hannah looked around her class before lastly meeting my gaze, she pursed her lips and slowly bobbed her head before leaving the hall._

 _Switching my focus to the windows on the other side of the classroom I saw Hannah walk out of the school front entrance and make her way down the sidewalk, going in the direction of her home as she kept her head hung low and fiddled with something in her backpack. I reached for my IPhone in my jean pocket and opened up my text messages underneath the desk table_

 _'_ _Where are you going Hannah? Are you sick?'_

 _I quickly typed out my message and pressed send on my phone screen, moments later my phone buzzed and pinged which distrusted the class, sliding down my notification I turned it to silent mode on the device_

 _'_ _You could say that Helmet'_

 _'_ _What's wrong you can tell me?'_

 _'_ _It's a long and complicated story Clay'_

 _'_ _I've got time Hannah, just talk to me'_

 _'_ _It's too late for that now'_

 _'_ _Don't ever say that Hannah. You're scaring me now'_

 _'_ _I've left you something in your compliment bag and locker but I don't want you to read them until tonight ok Helmet' a millisecond later another text from Hannah popped through to my phone. 'I'm sorry for any pain I put you through since I first met you Helmet, please forgive me'_

 _'_ _You have nothing to apologies to me for Hannah' I took a deep breath from our conversation before sending back another text. 'Are we still meeting up tonight Hannah'_

 _'_ _I don't think so Helmet'_

 _'_ _Whatever has happen, whatever you're going through Hannah for god sake we'll get through this together. Please don't leave me, I'_

 _A hand tapped my shoulder which scared the living daylights out of me, snapping my neck quickly behind me I saw Mrs Bradley stood directly behind my chair and I had become the sole focus of the whole class again with all eyes on me and Mrs Bradley. Glancing down on my phone I had seen the text I had sent out which I hadn't finished typing yet when my thumb slipped over the send button_

 _'_ _Not paying attention again are we Mr Jensen'_

 _'_ _No but this is important Mrs Bradley, its life or death'_

 _'_ _Whatever it is Mr Jensen it can wait' she exclaimed, holding out her hand in front of me. 'Phone'_

 _'_ _No but you don't understand what I'm telling you'_

 _'_ _No you don't understand Mr Jensen. This is the second time I've caught you not paying attention and distributing my class, give me your phone now and you can have it back after class or you can collect your phone back at the end of the day from Mr Bolan's office'_

 _'_ _Don't be like that Mrs'_

 _'_ _You're choice Clay'_

 _I reluctantly gave up my phone to Mrs Bradley, who then carried it in her hand as she continued on with her lesson when the class discussion started up again about body language. My phone vibrated in Mrs Bradley's hand one last time as I knew another text had arrived from Hannah, Mrs Bradley placed my phone down on her desk and throughout the whole lesson it didn't go off once, I just hope when I get my phone back Hannah hasn't done something stupid that she might regret, I just hope she's just keeps holding on for one more text from me…_

 _Late at night I sat on my bed waiting for Tony to arrive at my house, I grabbed my phone off my bedside table and flicked open his text messages and checked the time he sent his last message saying he was on his way. Switching over to my text conversation with Hannah I looked back down at my last messages I received from her during communications class_

 _'_ _I what Helmet?' tears pricked my eyes as I held them back. 'Even when I'm struggling to find something to hold on too for another day, you still can't say it Helmet. I don't blame you for that because I didn't say it either when we both knew we felt something for each other too. I guess it just wasn't meant to be Helmet when it should have'_

 _'_ _I love you Hannah'_

 _Hannah must have gotten my text as it was left on read but it was too late, I didn't get to her in time and even with my lesson on body language today I didn't read any of the sign she wasn't physically saying out loud before the school day started. I had promised Hannah everything during our friendship and ended up giving her nothing._

 _Words couldn't describe the heartbreak, guilt and anger that I'm feeling that is surging through my body when I found out the news what Hannah had done mid-afternoon, I didn't want to believe it one bit that it could be true. A gentle knock on the door brought me out of my thoughts when the wood frame moved ajar open and Tony stepped into my room_

 _'_ _Tell me none of this is true Tony what people are saying in the halls at Liberty' I begged, getting up from my bed and walked in front of him_

 _'_ _I don't know what to say Clay'_

 _'_ _Hannah not really gone is she, you and her are just playing a game with me and she's absolutely fine and at home right now'_

 _'_ _I'm so sorry Clay' he replied, tears willing up in his eyes_

 _'_ _No no no no' I whaled loudly, slamming both of my hands at the side of my head. 'What happened?'_

 _'_ _I don't know what happened, that's the truth brother'_

 _'_ _You must know something'_

 _'_ _I don't'_

 _'_ _Everyone saying you were one of the first to get to her house and find her so why lie that you don't know anything' I accused_

 _'_ _Don't believe what everyone says Clay, you should know that from first-hand experience'_

 _'_ _I'm sorry Tony'_

 _Tony shrugged his shoulders and raised his arms up away from his body as he just waved it off, I'm so lucky to have a friend like him who just puts up with me just like Hannah did. He walked across my room and sat down on my bed, putting his head into his hands Tony sighed deeply before turned his attention to me as I sat down opposite him on the bed_

 _'_ _Why would people say you know something Tony?'_

 _'_ _I just happened to be passing Hannah's neighbourhood and saw the ambulance outside the Baker's residence, I comforted and consoled the Bakers and they told me what had happened when they got home from the store'_

 _'_ _So where is Hannah now?'_

 _'_ _Hannah is at the morgue in the hospital right now Clay'_

 _'_ _Can we go and see her Tony' I begged_

 _'_ _It's just family Clay, I haven't been able to see her myself even when I was with the Bakers outside their home' Tony explained. 'It's just not appropriate right now to go demanding to see Hannah'_

 _I understood the Bakers will want to have some time and space to themselves with Hannah but it was too hard to accept that she was alive today in the morning when I saw and now Hannah is gone from life this evening. My broken heart shattered into tiny pieces now I'll never get a chance to say goodbye to her face to face, tears came flooding down my eyes at a rapid pace as I couldn't stop them now_

 _'_ _If not now Tony, when then' I sobbed. 'When she's buried and we aint got a tombstone to look at not knowing where she's laid to rest'_

 _Tony grabbed a tissue from my nightstand and handed it to me, I wiped away the watermarks from my face and sniffled gently, he placed his hand on my back and rubbed my shoulder soothingly as I pursed my lips_

 _'_ _Please Tony can we just go to the hospital' I exclaimed, sighing deeply into the tissue. 'Hannah is my best friend and I just want to see her, say a proper goodbye instead of the one I did to her today at Liberty'_

 _'_ _Ok Clay I'll take you to the hospital but I'm not promising anything' he proclaimed, holding up his arm in defeat. 'I'll text the Bakers that I'm coming over to the hospital now'_

 _I got up from bed and threw on my hoodie and slid on my converse shoes, Tony had put his phone back into his jean pocket as we left my bedroom and headed to his red mustang that was parked outside the house….._

 _The next twenty minutes were a blur as I had completely zoned out on the journey here to the hospital, Tony had talked and explained to the Bakers why we were here and surprisingly they had agreed to let us see Hannah. I felt so sorry for them as they had looked completely broken and exhausted inside and out and I knew how they felt because I felt the exact same way, no parents should have to bury a child_

 _The door to the mortuary opened and a twenty something male doctor had stepped out into the hallway, the diener had motioned for Tony and I to follow him into the room, a sense of eeriness crept over me when I entered the room, a cold shiver ran down my spine as I wrapped my arms around myself. The diener opened one of the side doors on the huge refrigerator and pulled out a metal gurney, slowly peeling back the cover to reveal Hannah's face_

 _'_ _I'll leave you boys alone' he whispered calmly. 'Take as much time as you need I'll be outside'_

 _'_ _Thank you' I replied_

 _The twenty something year old man left the mortuary and when the door silently closed after him I stepped closer to Hannah, taking in her appearance I finally accept now she was gone from my life. Tears welled up in my eyes and spilled freely down my cheeks when I looked at Hannah's face_

 _'_ _Why didn't you just talk to me Hannah and tell me what was wrong' I cried softly. 'We could have fixed whatever was going on Hannah, this wouldn't had to be a final choice'_

 _Turning over Hannah's arms on the metal gurney I saw two long and deep self-inflicting wounds running down the length of her arms, tracing my fingers alongside the scars I felt a strange tingle coursing down my arms when I moved along. Looking over Hannah's body again I noticed she didn't have any rings on her fingers nor her usual necklace, shifting my gaze to her left arm the friendship bracelet I tied on Hannah was gone, I frantically looked around her small confided space where she lay_

 _'_ _What's wrong Clay?' Tony asked_

 _'_ _It's missing'_

 _'_ _What is?' he questioned, feeling confused as he looked around for something in the compartment_

 _'_ _This bracelet I made for Hannah, I parasitically tied it on myself and Hannah swore she wouldn't take it off but it's not her wrist'_

 _'_ _I'll ask the Bakers if they have seen it in Hannah's bedroom'_

 _'_ _Could you also ask them if they would bury the bracelet with her, even if they place it in the coffin that would be ok. A small part of me would always be with her'_

 _'_ _Sure Clay'_

 _I took hold of Hannah's hand in mine as I gently brushed away the short hair from her pale face, curling my fingers behinds her ears and running them down the side of her neck I cupped her jaw and softly rubbed my thumb over her cheek_

 _'_ _Wherever you are, wherever you might go next I hope you're safe and at peace Hannah'_

 _Wiping the tears away from my eyes I softly clasped her hand again and rest my forehead against Hannah's, I brought my lips closer to Hannah's ear that her lifeless body would hear but hopefully her soul as well_

 _'_ _I'm so sorry I didn't save you Hannah, this is all my fault I could have stopped you' I sobbed quietly. 'I just hope you know that I love you Hannah. I always loved you'_

 _Lifting up my forehead from her I delicately placed a gentle deep kiss on Hannah's forehead, saying my last final goodbye to the love of my life. I rested my head back down on Hannah's forehead and though about all the time we spent together at night, how happy we made each other in our short friendship. Those memories will have to last a lifetime for me now that Hannah's gone from my life, the light has definitely gone out…..…_

 _My eyelid flew open unexpectedly and I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes sleepily, I looked around my bedroom and Tony wasn't here, it must have been a really bad dream then. I can't believe I dreamt Hannah killed herself and I went to visit her body at the mortuary to finally get some sort of closure._

 _My phone on the nightstand buzzed that a new text message had arrived on the device, reaching over I pressed on my phone and saw I had a text message from my data provider. I scrolled to the text conversations with Hannah and read the messages again, tears lingered in my eyes as I reread the last couple of messages again from the day before. My bedroom door slowly creaked open and Tony tipped toed into the room and froze when he spotted me wide awake_

 _'_ _Hey Clay, what are you doing up this early' he asked, walking to his bed and climbing on in_

 _'_ _Couldn't sleep' I informed him, placing my phone back on the nightstand. 'I thought I had dreamt it all and yesterday was just a really bad dream'_

 _'_ _I don't think I'll ever forget this day'_

 _'_ _Me neither Tony'_

 _'_ _How are you holding up Clay' he asked sincerely. 'We can talk all night if it might help'_

 _'_ _I'm still in shock over what's happened, I can't believe she's gone. I don't want to forget her'_

 _'_ _Then don't'_

 _'_ _How' I exclaimed_

 _'_ _Make something to remember her by. Whenever you're feeling low or just missing Hannah you can look at it and think about your time together'_

 _'_ _I think I know what I want to make Tony' I smiled weakly, reaching below my bed for an empty shoe box. 'It just needs a little redecorating and I've got a few things in mind I want to put in here already, it will be Hannah's memory box'_

 _'_ _That sounds like a great idea' Tony replied as he got comfortable in his makeshift bed, the call of sleep dawning on him through his eyes. 'You still want to talk or…'_

 _'_ _No it's ok, try and get some sleep Tony if you can. My body seems it just wants to be awake'_

 _'_ _Well night Clay'_

 _'_ _Night'_

 _I watched Tony fall back asleep again and sighed contently that I had a great friend like him who would hear all my problems and stay by my side even when most people wouldn't. I scanned around my room and saw some items that held fond memories of my time with Hannah, a Monet's mug that sat on my desk next to the half shaped rock when we went star gazing one night. My mirror was cover in photos of the very first time we met at the Crestmont and went into that photo booth; Polaroids also covered the mirror when we took a whole load full on night in summer_

 _Once I noticed my school rucksack by the side of my desk I remembered some notes I stuffed into my bag that I had forgotten about, Hannah had texted me to read them tonight so I climbed out of my bed and retrieved the small folded paper notes. I climbed into my bed and turned on the my bedside table lamp to lighten up my side of the bed so I could read the notes_

 _Hannah had left me two pieces of paper yesterday to read and I didn't know which one to start with first, I unfolded the pieces of paper I had found in my locker after Hannah had messaged me about them. The folded up piece of paper had my name written on it in joined writing before the pen mark traced a heart shape outside of my name_

 _'_ _Helmet'_

 _I choked up already after one word that she always called me since we first met outside of the Crestmont movie theator before sophomore year began_

 _'_ _If you're reading this and I haven't tried to took this letter back or ripped it up then I must have been successful with my suicide attempt, I wasn't planning on giving anyone a suicide note but I thought you of all people deserves a note and an explanation why. There were circumstances and incidents that changed me to want to take my own life, I won't go into detail for each reason why because you'll find out soon enough what they were, just be patient and listen when it comes to you because it's going through an order first before something comes to you'_

 _'_ _I realised it at Jessica's party before we went upstairs that you loved me and I had started to see you in a different light also and my feelings had changed for you that night that we could possibly happen and we might actually work. Something awful happened to me one night and I knew you wouldn't look at me the same way again if I told you what happened, I'm too damaged, broken and I know I would have ruined you Helmet if we had gotten together and I couldn't bear to see you hurt because of me and what has happened to me'_

 _'_ _In time there will be revelations about me that you didn't know and you'll be questioning them about me if they are true at all. After all the time we spent together I hope you know what to believe, knowing you knowing me I know what you'll believe and I hope you don't trust the rumours not after our beautiful friendship that I cherish so much'_

 _'_ _During the dark moments in my life where I couldn't see a future let alone the following week, you were the light in my gloomy world when I needed that the most to look forward to something. You Helmet brought me so much laughter and happiness in my life that I'm glad I actually met you and you became a big part of my life after, so thank you so much Helmet for always being by my side even when I couldn't do the same for you now'_

 _'_ _Do me one more thing Helmet – I haven't left my parents a suicide note for why I wanted to kill myself because it would break theirs hearts if they knew what happened to me and by also not leaving them a note I'm breaking their hearts also so nobody wins there, just keep an eye on my parents and look after them while they sort out my funeral arrangements because I worry for them and I know you won't let me down'_

 _'_ _One final thing before I finish off Clay- I worried about you too and what my suicide attempt may cause you to do next. I know its rich of me to say this but don't do something stupid that you might regret, I don't want that for you I just want you to be happy Clay someday when you have moved on from me to live your life. So once again I'm so sorry for leaving you behind when I should have found the courage and more reasons why to stay'_

 _'_ _Bye Helmet xx'_

 _I don't know when Hannah must have written this letter to me but this must have been her one of finals thoughts. Folding up the piece of paper I cried quietly as I placed it down on my nightstand, I picked up the other folded note from Hannah and opened up the A4 sheet of paper._

 _Holding the piece of paper landscape there was a hand written drawing in the middle of the page, two drawings of bunnies sat on the page and looked very similar to one I drew for Hannah in her compliment bag. A male bunny had a soft smile on his face while the female pressed it lips against its cheek, coming from the female bunny was a small speech bubble with five words written inside_

 _'_ _I love you Clay Jensen' I read quietly while touching the face of the bunny. 'I love you too Hannah Baker'_

 _More tears left my eyes while looking down at the drawing before I placed the note also on the nightstand that it didn't get soaked from my tears. Lying down in my bed I placed my hand over my eyes and felt a shake course through me as I couldn't control the flow of my tears, I knew I would be crying myself to sleep tonight at this rate. If only I was more brave and told her how I felt and that I loved her, maybe it could have been another reasons why not to go through with it and too stay with me instead, so many chance to stop her when I should of read the situation on what Hannah was really trying to say…._

* * *

Looking over the bunny drawing once last time and reading the speech bubble I placed both notes back onto the memory box, I picked up the lily from my dresser and carefully placed it into one of my suit jacket buttonhole before turning to face Justin

'I'm so sorry you went through a whole lot that night Clay' he exclaimed. 'Does mom and dad know you visited Hannah at the morgue that night or the notes even?'

'Nobody knows about the notes except for Tony, I want to keep it that way for now'

'I know you can't promise Hannah that you won't do something stupid but can you promise me that'

'Justin….'

'I need to hear you promise me that Clay'

'I promise'

I smiled weakly at Justin before laying my gown on my shoulder and pushing my arms through the sleeves, Justin straighten out the cap on my head as he put his own cap and gown on. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and softly patted my arm as we left our bedroom together and headed downstairs to the living room

'What were you boys doing up there? We've been calling you down for ages' Mom asked, raising a brow

Justin and I awkwardly side glanced each other before turning back to the three adults in the room. 'Clay was showing me something and we lost track of time'

'What was it?' Dad interjected

'Oh nothing' I replied

Dad got up from the couch and produced his camera out of his suit jacket; he took our individual photos before we took a handful of family photos of with both of our parents individually before one final group family photo of the four of us. We straightened ourselves out while mom had picked up her car keys; I grabbed my keys from the key rail and placed them into my pocket as dad opened the front door and led us outside to the car. Everyone walked past me I stopped in my tracks and pretended to look for something in my pockets

'What's up Clay?' Mom asked

'I think I've forgot my phone in my room, I'll just go and get it'

'We aint got time Clay we're gonna be late. We'll pick it after the ceremony'

'You guys go ahead; me and Justin will catch you up'

'If you're sure then Clay' she replied. 'Just don't dawdle'

I threw Justin my car keys to the Prius who caught them one handed while I jogged back upstairs to our bedroom, I opened the bedroom door and went straight to my desk and pulled out a folded note from one of the compartments. Adjusting Justin's bed slightly then he would normally have it I placed my suicide note under his pillow and kept an edge of the paper sticking out so Justin could easily see it when he came back to our room later to night

I walked back to the door and leaned against the door frame while looking back at my bedroom one last time, Hannah appeared alongside me dressed in her usual black boots, floral summer dress and blue jean jacket. She scanned the room also and frowned when she turned to face me

'Not really dressed for graduation are we Hannah'

Hannah raised up her hand and snapped her fingers together when suddenly her jean jacket was gone and replaced with a Liberty High coloured blue and white gown, a smart looking cap was placed on her head as she straighten it up

'Much better'

She nodded her head as we looked over my bedroom one last time as my car horn beeped from outside, we left from the door frame and locked up the house before getting into my car, Justin pulling away from the side of the curb and heading off to Liberty High school for the ceremony. Just a few more hours of this fake charade of everything being ok and it will be all over for good, no turning back now that I've my note under Justin's bed, this evening will be the last anyone sees of me alive…


	15. Goodbye

Justin drove rapidly to Liberty High school to get there in time for the graduation ceremony but truth be told these things never run exactly on time anyway. My mind was set on course what I needed to do this evening and how I might go about ending my life, while speeding down a quiet residential street I was blinded by the sun rays shining through the windscreen, as I was trying to block out the powerful sunlight my life flashed before my eyes and I saw a different future if I decided to stay and how my life might actually turn out to be. Reaching inside the glovebox compartment I pulled out a spare pair of sunglasses and placed them over my eyes to block the version I was having

We finally pulled up into a free parking bay in the school parking lot that was filling up fast by the minute with families of whom their child attended Liberty High. Justin and I walked along the sidewalk of Liberty High and spotted Jessica waiting at the entrance, she spotted me first and smile warmly before shifting her gaze to her boyfriend, Jessica pushed her self off the metal gates and ran towards us, leaping a few metres off the ground and into my brother's arms as they embraced tightly.

I stood awkward to one side and placed my hand behind my neck and looked anywhere but the happy couple, a few moments later Justin set Jessica back down and they pulled apart but still had an arm wrapped around each other waist

'Hey Clay' she greeted warmly. 'How are you?'

'I'm hanging in there. You haven't seen our folks have you Jess'

'I think they are with mine somewhere in the bleachers but I was surprised Miss Baker was with them when I saw your folks arrive' she replied. 'Do you know why she is here?'

'I specially invited her Jess'

'Oh' Jessica exclaimed, seeing the awkwardness fall over her face. 'Sorry I didn't know that you did'

'It's ok most people wouldn't have known'

The three of us stood by the entrance awkwardly before some of Jessica and Justin's friends from the baseball team and cheers squad hollered at them from the school's front doors, waving excited at them to come over and join them. They both stood there attentively and undecided what to next before turning their gaze back to me

'Go' I smiled reassuringly

'You sure Clay' Justin asked

'Positive'

'I promised mom I would stay by your side the whole day'

'Promises were made to be broken' I assured once again and placed my hand on his Justin's arm. 'Go and have some fun while you can still before everything changes'

Justin smiled warmly and wrapped his free arm around my shoulders and gave a gentle squeeze before Jessica placed her free arm around me also, I hugged and held my brother and Jessica tightly as I didn't want to let them go, I was quietly saying goodbye to them even if they didn't know it just yet.

I pulled away from Justin and Jessica and saw that they both had tears in their eyes as I did, in a short amount of time together we had been through so much that one would ever dream of never going through in their lifetime.

'We're only going to be a shout or a phone call away Clay if you need us' Jessica exclaimed

'No matter how big or small the problem is brother, we'll be here for you' Justin interjected

'I know'

Waving them off I watched as they walked over to their friends and greeted them warmly, Justin turned his gaze back to me and I nodded to reassure him as he had sad smile on his face, I felt a presence come along side me as I crocked my head to the side. Hannah was still in her graduation attire and I watched as she placed her hand in mine and leaned her head against my shoulder

'You want to have a last look at the place with me Hannah'

Hannah nodded her head while I intertwined our fingers together even tho I knew I was gripping tightly to air if anyone saw me clenching my right hand. We walked up the path leading to the double doors of Liberty High hand in hand, once inside the hallway everything looked so different than how I saw it last a couple of weeks ago.

The walls had been stripped bare of posters and extracurricular flyers that decorated the halls, the walls had been given a fresh coat as the smell of fresh paint linger in the halls, covering up and painting over the marks the students had suffered from the hands of Liberty High School.

'Everything looks so unrecognisable'

I hope the school changes for the better and pulls it finger out of its proverbial arse, putting its students first instead of trying to save its dying image. The last thing I hope never happens here again are another Jeff Atkins or a Hannah Baker circumstances and how the school handled their deaths poorly for the student's aftercare when it was needed the most.

Shaking my head and clearing my thought about my own hatred of this school I walked along the hall with Hannah into tow, I stopped at my old locker and punched in my combination code before giving the dial a twirl. Pushing upon the metal frame door my locker had been cleared out for the semester as instructed by Principle Bolan, I reached into my trouser pocket and pulled out a folded note I had written last night to place in here, opening out the folded piece of paper I reread my note again for whoever new freshman owns my locker next semester

'Just be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always' I sighed deeply. 'Don't be a Bryce Walker of Liberty High. This world has plenty of him, be the difference and stand up for those who can't defend themselves'

I folded up the piece of paper again and placed it down in the middle of the empty locker before shutting the metal door shut, Hannah and I walked away from my locker and moved a few yards to where Hannah's old locker was stationed. Hannah's locker door looked so different now being cleared free when it was covered in tributes and photos from fellow students after the news broke about what happened, I could remember standing here every day for the first month after I saw her in the morgue and wished things had turned out differently and I had saved her when the chance came in communication class, that's one of my biggest regrets and a reason why I should go with my attempt this evening because I didn't do enough to save my best friend, so why should I have the luxury to carry on living.

We had left our lockers after taking one last look at them before slowly trudging down the hallway to our homeroom, I peered through the small pain of glass in the door and saw an empty classroom before dropping my gaze down to the floor, I always looked forward to homeroom at the start of the day when I got to see Hannah and talk about anything and everything with her before the day started.

Lifting my gaze back up into the classroom my eyes did a double take as I saw a warm orange glow take over the room and spotted myself sat in my usual place with Hannah propped up on my desk, we were laughing and joking around as we played our usual game of noughts and crosses before school started for the day. Hannah looked up from the piece of paper and looked at the small pane of glass in the window before a version of myself followed Hannah's gaze and spotted me as well. I stepped a good few feet back from the door and turned to face Hannah, I could feel my heart bumping at an alarming rate that it felt like it might pop out of my chest

'What the fuck is going on?' I breathed helplessly. 'Are you doing this Hannah?'

Hannah didn't utter a single word as usual as tears welled up in my eyes and I could feel my face and body going into hot flushes, the heat came out of nowhere and I was struggling to breath as my wind pipe started closing up, I don't know what I saw in the classroom that started to cause my body to break down and go into self-defensive mode

My breaths were coming in short sharp waves as I knew I was hyperventilating from what I saw that threw me off, I looked around the hallway and the dark gloomy interior started to change to the bright orange hue, the reality around me was starting to change and the halls began to fill up with students again

'I don't understand what's happening Hannah' I exclaimed. 'Please tell me if you know, please Hannah….say something I'm scared'

At the corner of my eye I saw a couple I recognise walking down the hallway together, it was me and Hannah walking together and I asked why she was smiling. The moment I watched both of us leave through the doors of Liberty High school another version of myself and Hannah walked along the halls going to communication class

'This is crazy' I muttered under my breath

I turned towards my Hannah and saw her nod her head, I don't know why my head was playing mind games with me and showing me this because I knew my Hannah wouldn't lie to me if I asked her something. My body was trembling and I felt my stomach churning from this experience I was going through. Walking down the hall I stopped at the small intersection and saw a version of myself and Hannah at my locker; they were both talking while I grabbed something of my locker and Hannah linked her arm through mine and walked off to our next class. Taking a long deep breath I turned on my heels towards Hannah locker and saw a different version of Hannah look over towards me

'Oh no' I gulped

A version of me walked a few yards forward towards Hannah as she had just shut her locker door, I had felt my sides after being attacked by Monty in the courtyard for any pain. We had talked briefly again and little did I know then this would be the last time I spoke to Hannah alive, she bobbed her head and pursed her lips before turning away from me and walked away, why didn't I noticed something seemed off with Hannah and if I spoke to her then even before the texts she would still be alive today

A sharp pain coursed it way through my chest and gripped tightly on my heart, I couldn't get my breathing under control when I bent over and placed my hands on my knees to take deep breaths. My stomach churned heavily as I could feel bile rise up in my throat and wanted to spew out onto the clean floor below, raising my gaze I saw Hannah had a sympatric look over her face and gently placed her hand on my shoulder

'I don't feel so good Hannah'

My senses were in a spin as another new symptom came up as I now started to feel some sort of dizziness fog over me, lifting myself up I ran as fast as my legs could carry me to the nearest toilet I could find in Liberty. Busting through the door I held myself up against the sink as I felt my legs turn to jelly, I went through a horrible gag but I couldn't vomit anything out, it got stuck in my throat before travelling back down again, looking in the mirror I saw my eyes had turned to a bloodshot before turning my gaze down to spit out any remnants of vomit that lingered in my mouth

The stall door to one of the cubicles opened and the crunch of footstep was all I heard as I kept my head down in the sink, the guy washed and dried his hands before walking over to me as I felt his presence hover over me, the guy placed his hand down on my shoulder and rubbed gently in a soothing manor

'You ok Clay' he spoke softly

'Tony?'

I widened my eyes and stopped gagging into the sink before turning my attention to one of my closest friends in the world that I didn't even know that was in here, Tony had helped me stand upright before placing his arm around my lower back and helped me out of the restroom.

'Do you want me to call your mom Clay?'

'She would only worry about me for the whole day and I don't want that Tony'

'What about Justin then' he questioned, raising a brow as we walked down the hall

'He's with Jess'

'He's your brother' he stated. 'He'll come if I called him and told him you need him'

'Don't Tony. He's having fun with his friends one last time before he says goodbye to them, I don't want to rob that chance from him. Let Justin have his fun today he can worry about me for a lifetime tomorrow'

'Ok Clay whatever you say'

'Where are we even going Tony?' I asked before my insides swirled and I felt nauseous again

'To the common room'

Walking further along to the end of the hallway Tony pushed opened a door to the common room, the room was empty and quiet as we shut the door close behind us as I went to sit down on one of the big couches. Tony dropped down beside me a few minutes later and lightly threw a water bottle and cereal bar at my lap

'Ok what are theses for' I exclaimed, holding up the bottle and cereal bar

'To help you Clay. Now eat and drink up'

'But I'm not thirsty or hungry tho' I protested

'Just do as you're told buddy' Tony remarked, unscrewing the cap to his water bottle and ripped open his energy bar. 'What happened to you back there Clay in the bathroom?'

'I don't know, I honest don't'

'Sounds to me like you were having a panic attack' he stated. 'You ever had them before'

'I have experienced them Tony but never that bad before' I replied, twisting the cap off and taking a small drink from the bottle

'I'm worried about you Clay. What caused it?'

'Like I said Tony I don't know'

'You must have seen something or thought about something to set it off that bad'

'The stuff that I saw doesn't make any sense to me at all and this was the first time it's happened to me in a long to set off a panic attack like it did'

'I really think you should go and see a psychologist Clay, they might be able to help you and understand what you saw'

Hannah appeared beside me on the couch and looked over at the vending machine, most days we would come straight her after school to raid the vending machine for candy bar when we stayed over at each other's houses for the night

'Even if I did go to the psychologist no one can ever find out about it Tony. If my mom knew I went she would only ask our doctor to put me on more medication like before and you know I hated that shit, it literally messed with my brain'

'If you want to go Clay I'll take you in secret. Your parents won't have to know a thing about it as long as you're getting the help you need'

'I'm good but thanks anyway Tony'

I smiled weakly before placing my hand on his shoulder assuringly that I was ok, there's no point in making fake plans for something I won't be going through with it. Tony and I stayed for a while long in the common room and talked about plans after Liberty, it didn't surprise me that he didn't have plans to go to college after but instead join his brothers in the family business of working in the garage and restoring old classic cars, I was happy for him for whatever he chose to do next in life and doing something he passionate about.

After a while I let Tony go and meet up with his family and friends as he went out of his way for me to make sure I was alright, he was another person I didn't want to worry about me for the rest of today but to enjoy the moments where most kids might not ever get the chance to graduate high school.

I walked out of the school premises past students and families entering through the gates of Liberty High School and made my way over to a small playground that were a couple of blocks away from the school. Sitting down on the empty swing set I slowly sway back and forth before turning my gaze left to Hannah who leaned back against the metal frame

'You don't fancy a swing then Hannah' I asked curiously

Hannah raised her eyebrows suggestively before shaking her head no and folding her arms together; I gained a little momentum before turning my attention back to her

'You used to love coming to the park to having a go on the swing set, you'd always scream at me to push you higher'

Hannah huffed lightly before ducking her head down in embarrassment; she lifted her gaze up moments later to the empty swing set besides me, turning my head to the side I saw an older version of Hannah and I playing together on the swings

 _'_ _How high do you want to go Hannah?' I asked, pushing Hannah on the padded seat_

 _'_ _Higher Helmet' she screamed. 'Till I can touch the sky'_

 _'_ _Ok then'_

 _I put more momentum into each swing before stepping out of the way as Hannah sore back and forth_ on _the swing set. Hannah had a determined grit on her face to go higher than she had before each time we played in the park_

 _'_ _I'm gonna go for it Helmet'_

 _'_ _No Hannah it's too high' I yelled_

 _I ran quickly towards the front of the swing set and stood a few metres back from the momentum the swing travelled; Hannah gripped tightly on the metal chain and stopped rocking in her seat to try to bring the swing to a slow halt._

 _'_ _Catch me' she exclaimed loudly_

 _Hannah jumped out of her seat and flew in the air directly at me; I stepped forward and caught her in my arms as she wrapped her arms around me. With the flying force of Hannah slamming into me I stepped back a few steps before falling backwards on the soft padded ground while Hannah lay on top of me_

 _'_ _God you do this every time Hannah' I groaned, looking up her at her_

 _'_ _And you fall for it every time' she teased playfully. 'My hero, you saved me'_

 _'_ _I'm always gonna save you'_

 _'_ _I hope you always do Helmet'_

 _Hannah leaned over from my chest and quickly planted a soft kiss against my cheek, she giggled playfully when she saw my cheeks blushed as I could feel them changing colour instantly. I helped Hannah up to our feet and made our way back over the swing set again, we sat down on individual seats and started a game of who could swing the highest, I stole a few glances at Hannah as competition get the better of us as we laughed uncontrollably on how much effort we put in to get one over the other on who can go the highest…._

 _'_ You always did like to scare me Hannah' I sighed heavily

I turned my head back to the other side of the swing set and noticed Hannah had disappeared again from the playground. Ducking my head down to the ground I heard small patter of footsteps approach the swing set and sit down on the seat, slightly turning my gaze towards the person next to me I saw a little girl no older than eight filling in the empty seat, I smiled weakly at the small girl as she reciprocated back

'Hello' she greeted warmly

'Hello'

'What's your name?'

'Clay Jensen' I introduced. 'What's your'

'Hannah Benson'

'Course it would be' I muttered under my breath

'Why are you sitting on the swings?' she asked

'Why shouldn't I be?'

'Because you're old'

'It's true, that's very true'

Hannah Benson and I swung on the swing set quietly as I ducked my head down to the ground; I clicked the heels of my smart black leather boots together as I swayed peacefully. The little girl licked her lips before turning her attention back to me

'Are you lonely?'

'Why would I be lonely?' I asked curiously

'Because you're sad' she replied innocently. 'Have you lost something?'

'No' I muttered, shaking my head

'When I lose something I go to a quiet place and I close my eyes, and then I can remember where I put it'

'Good plan'

'I'm always losing things. I lost my favourite pen, my school bag, my granddad and Blaze'

'Blaze?'

'My dog but I got him back tho'

'Hey that's good'

'What did you lose?' she exclaimed

'My friend' I proclaimed. 'She came into my life for a short period and I lost her and now I don't think I'll ever find her again'

'Have you been looking?'

'Yeah' I sighed exhaustingly, clicking my heels again. 'Everywhere'

'That's sad'

'It is a bit. Hey' I proclaimed, pointing over to a much older boy in the distant. 'It that your brother'

'Yeah I better see if he's alright and not nervous anymore about graduation'

'I think you better had' I stated

'How are you going to find her?' Hannah questioned

'I really don't know Hannah' I sighed deeply. 'Maybe if I go to a quiet place and have a good old think about it, I might know where to start looking for her'

'That would be better. Goodbye' she smiled happily and waved, getting up from the swing set and running over to her brother

'Goodbye' I waved back, ducking my head to ground and clicked my smart shoes together

'Mister, I hope you find her again' Hannah proclaimed, stopping in her tracks and turned back around to the swing set

'So do I' I smiled weakly

I watched Hannah turned back around and race across to her brother and embraced him tightly, the Benson family left the park and I nodded at the older Benson sibling who I once now shared a physic class with as he greeted back with a man nod. I continued riding on the swing set till I was all alone in the park, looking around everywhere to see if I could spot my Hannah anywhere here since she disappeared, I heard the crunch of footsteps approach the swing set as I didn't turn towards the sound

'So this where you ended up Clay' Tony stated, taking a seat down opposite me

'I had no better place to go too' I replied. 'I just wanted some air away from that school'

'Well everyone is waiting for you to show up so we can start the graduation ceremony'

'Define everyone Tony'

'The school board, student honour board, my parents and yours, Justin and Jessica, me. People care about you Clay, don't ever forget that even if you think we don't because that's bullshit. We all care about you'

'I won't I promise'

Tony and I got up from the swing set and left the small playground, he had placed his arm around my shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze, I smiled weakly at him as we left the small playground and head back to Liberty High School for the graduation ceremony, the sooner I could get this part out of the way I could finish off the little stuff I had planned before my inevitable destiny…..

The football field had been totally transformed with flooring placed down on the grassed surface and a huge stage had been erected on the halfway point with two screens placed on either side so whoever couldn't see from the bleachers had another view point to was happening during the ceremony

During the opening moments of the ceremony Principle Bolan was greeting the graduating students and parents when I couldn't fully concentrate what was happening around me, I looked to the empty seat beside me that was especially reserved for Hannah Baker with a sign that was attached to the seat. Placing my head into my hands I couldn't control my emotions as a few tears rolled down my cheek, I had let her down and broken my promise that we would graduate together.

Mr Bolan had started with addressing some fellow students to come up on stage and collect their graduation certificates, while students went up to collect their paper certificate I couldn't help but look around and see if I could find Hannah anywhere since I hadn't seen her last in the small park. I looked around in the sea of students but she was nowhere to be seen amongst the crowd.

Once the students who had errand a graduation certificate were done Mr Bolan then turned his attention on handing out the diplomas next in alphabetical order, my name wasn't going to be called a long while yet so I returned back to my search for Hannah…..

After a while of searching I had given up looking for Hannah as she most probably turn up whenever she feels like it or if I needed to see her for a reason. With my attention elsewhere I felt a small tap on my shoulder behind me, every few second the small tap kept on happening when I finally turned my head around to see Justin tapping on my shoulder from behind, he motioned upwards towards the stage as I turned my gaze back around to where Mr Bolan stood

'Clay Jensen' Mr Bolan repeated again

Getting up from my chair I walked up onto the stage and shook hands with Mr Bolan, he handed me my diploma and brought me in for a close hug, he placed his mouth near my ear so only I could hear him

'Are you ok Clay? Do you think you can do your speak for the student honour board'

'Yeah I think I can'

'Take a seat up here on stage, you'll be on soon'

I nodded my head and pulled away from the close embrace from Mr Bolan, he returned back to handing out the diplomas to the students behind me as I found an empty seat, the honour students were next to collect their certificates but I couldn't take my gaze away from the empty seat where Hannah and I should have been sat together, I looked into the crowd but still Hannah was nowhere to be seen as I looked carefully around….

'Clay'

I felt a hand touch my shoulder when I brought out of my day dream and looked up at where the contact was coming from. Mr Bolan was hovering in front of me as I looked past him and to the crowd below, the faces that I could see looked worried and confused to what was happening up on stage and why I was so out of it

'You're on' he informed me

I nodded my head and rose up from my seat while straightening out my gown; I could feel everyone's eyes on me when I took centre stage at the podium, reaching under I grabbed a water bottle and took a quick drink before adjusting the microphone on the stand

'Morning esteemed faculty and families of my fellow graduates, it's an honour on behalf of the school to be giving the valedictory'

Looking up from the podium I spotted my parents in the bleachers and smiled warmly at them before my gaze notice my brother Justin and his girlfriend Jessica who gave a small wave, I saw my other brother Tony on the other side of segregated seats as he gave his usual nod. Hearing soft footsteps from the middle of the aisle of separated seats I saw Hannah Baker walk down and take her designated seat in the front row, she winked and then smiled widely at me. It was if I just saw only my family and friends in the crowd and everyone else had just disappeared to relax my nerves

'After high school I know we all think were immortal, we're supposed to feel that way because we're graduating and ready to take on the whole world every curve ball it has to throw our way. But like our brief four years at Liberty High what makes life valuable that is doesn't last forever, what makes it precious that it ends and I know that now more than ever' I admitted, looking down at my left wrist at the friendship bracelet Hannah made me as I twirled a few beads

'And I say it today of all days to remind us that time is luck, don't waste your life; do something with it and create a legacy for what you stand for…fight for what matters to you no matter what. Go and live the life you want to live and not the one you've been told to, because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live?'

'During our four years here we lost people who we consider to be our friends, some as our family and we've lost a part of ourselves along the way. So I ask you to keep the memories of Hannah Baker and Jeff Atkins alive with you and live your life to the fullest that you're one of the lucky ones to survive high school because some kids don't make it through to the other end, some are unfortunate that they couldn't be here with us today so live each day for them'

'As beautiful as today is there will be dark days ahead of us too along the way. There will come a time where you fell all alone in this gigantic universe, but no matter how buried it gets or how lost you may feel, all of you promise me today that you will hold onto hope. Keep it alive! We have to be greater than what we suffer, because it has to get better, the way we treat each other it just has too. My final wish for my fellow peers is to become hope…people need that…everyone in this world needs that and believes into the concept of it and even if we fail…. What better way is there to live?'

'As we look around everyone here today and at all of the people to make us into who we are, I know that it feels like we're saying goodbye but we will carry a piece of each other into everything we do next from here on out. To remind us of who we are, and who we are meant to be. I've had a great four years here and I will miss you all so very much….please carry on into living in hope for a better future the class of 2015, thank you and goodbye'

I rose back up from the microphone and looked down below into the vast crowd of my peers, Hannah jumped up out of her seat and clapped loudly that only I could hear, she smiled widely before looking around her and saw Justin stand up as well while clapping his hands in appreciation. The next one to follow was Jessica who literally jumped out of her seat next to her boyfriend, followed by Tony and Alex as more students rose up and clapped and cheered loudly with their parents joining in as well from what I could see from the bleachers.

Hannah smile lessened and a few tears strained her cheeks as I had wanted nothing more to than just wipe them away, she dabbed her cheeks with her hands and waved as Hannah moved away from her seat, walking back down the aisle without looking back at me and then disappeared into thin air again

Mr Bolan took control back of the graduation ceremony again while I wondered slowly back to my seat on stage, he gave his quick closing speech as I thought about Hannah again. At least we got to share a moment of graduation together as I promised her years ago we'd go together when the time came…..

I met up with Justin again once the ceremony was over and we went in search of our parents and Mrs Baker, minutes later we found them making their way down the bleachers and into the sea of students, once mom had laid eyes on me she ran over to us and enveloped Justin and I in a tight embrace, kissing both our cheeks and holding me tightly when dad and Mrs Baker finally reached us

'I'm so proud of you sweetie' she proclaimed

'It was truly a beautiful speech Clay' Mrs Baker interjected

'It sure was pal' dad replied

'Dad' I groaned, he knew full well I hated the nickname he called me at home, I'm gonna miss that when I'm no longer here

'Sorry son but it was truly remarkable speech'

'Thanks, all of you for your kind words and compliments' I replied. 'It's truly means a lot since I've been working on this speech for months'

'Well you truly delivered Clay' Mom cheered

The five of us had agreed to leave Liberty High premises and go to Monet's to grab a cup of coffee and something to eat, my parents and Justin were chatting amongst themselves as they started walking back to the cars. Mrs Baker and I walked back together only a couple feet behind them, she came closer to my side and I turned towards her

'Thank you Clay'

'For what Mrs Baker' I enquired

'Mentioning Hannah in your speech, is that why you invited me to your graduation today so I could hear it'

'Kinda Mrs Baker' I sighed gently. 'I wasn't using her name for show in my speech you know that don't you, you know how I felt for your daughter and I wish so badly Hannah was here today with me. Some people here might have forget about Hannah and moved but not me, I never will and I wanted people to remember how short life is and how easily someone you care about can be taken away from you in an instant'

'I know Clay, she told me about how much you cared about her. Hannah would always describe the way you cared about her was in her words adorable' she smiled gently. 'I hope you take advice from your own words and live in hope Clay for a better future'

'I'll try to Mrs Baker but I don't think I can promise you that'

Mrs Baker furrowed her eyebrows together as she was trying to piece together what I actually meant, I smiled weakly at Mrs Baker to reassure her I didn't mean anything by my last statement but it was no use. She had some doubts but she put them to one side and wrapped her arms around me, I wrapped my own arms around her tightly and buried the side of my face against her chest as she rubbed my arm soothingly when I clung on too tightly

Mrs Baker pulled away a few moments later from our embrace and climbed into my parent's Prius, they pulled away from the curb and headed off to Monet's as a gentle tap on my left shoulder made me turn that way, Justin stood patiently by my side and smiled warmly

'Come on Clay, let's go and get some lunch'

'You go ahead Justin I don't really feel hungry' I exclaimed, reaching into my suit pocket and threw my car keys to him

'Where are you going to go now? And what am I supposed to tell mom where you are when I meet up with them in Monet's'

'Tell them I'll meet up with them soon and too save me a sandwich for later'

'Ok Clay' he sighed deeply, placing his hand on my shoulder. 'We still doing that thing at the Crestmont later'

'Yeah we are Justin, I've put everything in the trunk of the car and it just needs taking out when you get there. Mr Brady knows of my plans so tell him to usher everyone where they need to be, I'll group text everyone'

Justin nodded his head and walked off towards the Prius that was parked on the other side of the parking lot; he drove past minutes later and sounded the horn before taking a right to Monet's coffee shop. A gentle breeze blew past me and the leaves on the tree rustled when I looked up at where the noise was coming from, I felt a usual presence come besides me again when I turned to my right, Hannah was stilling wearing her graduation clothes as she smiled weakly. She may not know it but it won't be long before we're reunited again

'Want to come look around the town with me one last time before everything changes'

Hannah nodded her head and I offered out my hand to her, she clasped her hand in mine and intertwined our fingers together while I gave our joint hands a gentle squeeze

'Sorry that we have to walk everywhere Hannah'

She gave me a small shrug of her shoulders as we left Liberty High School behind us for good, I had no idea where I wanted to go or see first of this town so I turned left and walked aimlessly around the town till I came across a personal landmark…

With my aimless walking and being trapped inside my own mental state I had somehow managed to bring myself back home, I was stood outside the property that I've been calling home for the last eighteen years of my life. Looking up towards my bedroom I saw the window push open and two figures climbed out onto the roof, I looked closely at who it might be leaving through my bedroom window

 _'Why don't we just go out the front door Hannah?'_

 _'Are you afraid of heights Helmet' she teased, squeezing my hand reassuringly_

 _'What me of course not' I stated, hoping we wouldn't go out through the window_

 _'Then we're going out through the window, I sneaked out of my house just to come see you tonight Helmet so you can do the same for me'_

 _'This is the first time I've ever sneaked out of my house' I exclaimed, breathing heavily_

 _'Trust me it gets addictive' Hannah smiled wickedly_

 _'I'm starting to think you're just a bad influence on me Hannah Baker'_

 _'Admit it Helmet you love me for it' she proclaimed, winking at me_

I watched the past version of Hannah and I quietly climb down from the roof, the moment we both landed safely to the ground and start to walk away from the house we vanished into thin air. Thus starting our beautiful friendship of sneaking out and doing something together than spend the whole night in one another's bedroom, she became the influence I needed to step out of my shell every once in a while.

I could recall tons of past happy memories here with Hannah and relive them all day but I had other sites I needed to see before I leave this world goodbye. Walking a few metres down the road and coming to a bus stop sign I waited for the next scheduled bus to arrive….

Twenty minutes later the next scheduled bus arrived Hannah and I climbed abroad as it was heading towards the outskirts of the town on its planned journey route, during the ride to the next spot all I could think about was the night we spent there and the fun we got up too.

At the last stop I got off the bus and walked the rest of the way till I came past the border sign stating you were leaving the district, I went down the dirt path and came across the familiar foot path in the Californian woods that would lead me to one of my special places in the town. Peeling back some of the greeny foliage I stepped through the bushes that covered the waterfall surroundings, standing at the edge of the pool of water I turned to Hannah and we looked around the beautiful waterfall I showed her a couple of summers ago

 _'Fancy a swim?' I enquired, raising a brow_

 _'I didn't bring my swimsuit'_

 _'Me neither but I did bring some towels to dry ourselves off just in case' I replied, fishing out the towels from the rucksack. 'It's ok if you don't we can dip our feet into the water'_

 _Pushing the towels back inside the rucksack I looked down to the ground disappointingly that we were just going to paddle in the water at best if she wanted too, I let the rucksack slip down my fingers as I placed it on the ground when Hannah placed her hand above mine, turning to face her Hannah smiled widely_

 _'I'd love to go for a swim with you Clay'_

 _Hannah stepped away from me and preceded to taking off her dark cream jacket and black socks and boots, she pulled her cold shoulder blouse over her head and unbuttoned her blue denim jeans. My eyes widen from their sockets as Hannah was stood in her black lacy underwear in front of me_

 _'Your turn Helmet' she proclaimed_

 _'Yes…right' I mumbled nervously, feeling hot under the cover_

 _I removed my navy blue hoodie and black converse shoes, lifting one foot up at a time I pulled off my socks and lifted my green t-shirt over my head as I threw them to one side. I already felt naked and insecure about my body in front of Hannah and I had even removed my black jeans yet, the urge was strong to put my top back on_

 _'Come on Clay, get them off' she stated playfully_

 _'I will Hannah, all in good time'_

 _'There's no need to be nervous Helmet, I won't laugh or anything' she assured. 'You can trust me Clay because I trusted you when I took my clothes off because I know you wouldn't react like every other guy would at Liberty when they see flesh in the open'_

 _I slowly nodded my head and unclasped the metal buttons on my jeans, the material slid down my legs and pooled around my feet, stepping out of my fallen clothes I walked towards Hannah who held out her hand for me to take as I interlaced our fingers together_

 _'Shall we' Hannah asked, lifting up a brow_

 _Taking a few steps to the edge of pool we entered the lukewarm water that rose up to our knees when got to the shallow end of the pool before I raced back to the rucksack, coming back moments later with the camera in my hands_

 _'Though this would be a picture perfect moment Hannah' I stated, gently tapping the side of the camera_

 _With our backs turned towards the waterfall Hannah cuddled up to my side with an arm wrapped around my waist and her head leaning my chest, I placed my arm around her shoulders and took the polaroid. Collecting the polaroid out of the camera's rollers I placed them both back on the rucksack and re-joined Hannah in the water…_

I turned on my heels and faced Hannah as she was watching a past version of us having fun together in the pool of water. She smiled widely when she looked over to me as I sighed deeply and turned my gaze back briefly

'We really respected each other didn't we?'

Hannah didn't utter a sound at all but nodded her head as she usually did as we turned back to the small pool of water and watched a younger version of ourselves having fun before they disappeared from sight. Looking up at the small waterfall Hannah and I saw our past version stood on the mouth of the rocky edge

 _Hannah took a small run up to the edge of the waterfall before her feet grind to a halt by my side and her hip swung out to mine, the momentum and contact from her body to mine sending me off the edge and into the water below, when I resurfaced from the water I gasped for air frantically before looking up at the waterfall at Hannah_

 _'What the hell Hannah' I replied, spitting out water_

 _She laughed hysterically even when I tried to throw a hand full of water up at her; Hannah took a step back from the edge before jumping off the waterfall and down into the water below. She resurfaced from the warm water in front of me; we paddled our arms lightly to keep afloat from the water_

 _'Why did you nudge me off the end Hannah?'_

 _'You could do with a splash Helmet'_

 _'I'll splash you'_

 _'Don't you dare Jensen' she spoke sternly_

 _I swung my arm against the surface of the water and aimed the large splash towards Hannah's face, the large splash soaking her over as she wiped the excess water off her face and swam forward. Our faces were inches apart from touching each other's when our eyes locked, neither of us looking away or beyond one another_

 _'Hannah'_

 _'Yeah' she stated breathlessly_

 _'I…..' I spoke softly. My mind repeated the same instruction over and over again inside my head, just tell Hannah you love her and kiss her now, no distractions this time. 'I…adore you'_

 _Hannah's facial features soften and she wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling my face closer to hers_

 _'I adore you too Clay' she stated happily_

 _Hannah moved forward and softly placed a kiss against my cheek, wrapping my arms around her under the water I pulled Hannah against my chest while she rested her head against my chest, we kept in a close embrace as we floated in the water as I placed a gently kiss on the top of her head…_

I hung my head in shame over what I said that night to Hannah and what I should have told her instead. Just maybe, maybe something down the line could have turned differently and she would still be here today besides me for real instead this version of Hannah that's been by my side for months

'If I told you I loved you Hannah that night, you reckon things would have changed between us like relationship wise and we'd end up together'

Hannah just shrugged her shoulders and had a sad frown plastered across her face, she turned back to the waterfall as I did and took one last look around. Whoever finds this place next if anyone ever does in the woods I hope they have fun here like Hannah and I did and keep this place quaint and sacred from the whole town knowing what beautiful and quiet place this is….

Thirty minutes later I arrived back into the town and walked along the busy high street as all I could see were Liberty High students still decked out in their graduation gowns and caps everywhere I went. Walking along the quiet footpath along some busy outlet store my eyes caught the attention of the bright neon lights outside a glass window

I looked up at the signboard on the head of the store I noticed I was stood outside Karl's Tattoo parlour; my subconscious had brought me to my third stop of the town of the places I needed to see before I go. Peering in through the window I saw the parlour was busy than usual today than the local tattoo patrons with many students inside also wanting to maybe get some sort graduation tattoo to celebrate the occasion.

While my eyes cast around the whole room I spotted Karl finishing up on a customer as he put the tattoo gun down to rest on a side table, he swivelled in his seat and looked out the shop front window and spotted me. Karl smiled widely and motioned with his head for me to pop inside the store while I smiled back weakly, I mouthed to him later as he picked up the gun again and went back to work on his customer

 _'I like you just the way you are Clay Jensen' she sighed contently. 'Please don't ever change'_

 _'I won't' I assured her, resting my forehead on the top of her soft curly brown hair. 'Not ever to you Hannah'_

I could hear Hannah's voice clear as day in my mind when we were stood outside this very store and peering inside. I wonder what changed in me to want to end it all like Hannah did because when looking back; both of us were filled with optimism for what the future held 

Looking through the window again I saw a completely empty store now with two figures inside, one was sat in the chair while the other figure was curled up against its side. On further inspection I made out it was me who the figure was getting a tattoo done while Hannah was by my side explaining the meaning behind it 

_On my ring finger were the initials of H and B and then a shape of heart coloured in red followed lastly by the infinity sign on the end. I looked up at Hannah as she bit her lips nervously for my reaction for her design; I smiled widely at her before looking back down at my first tattoo then my drew my gaze back to her_

 _'Care to explain what it all means Miss Baker'_

 _Hannah placed her hands down on the railing of the chair and leaned over towards me, she admired a closer look to the small art work done on me and hovered her index fingers of the beginning of the design_

 _'Why gladly Helmet' she giggled lightly. 'The H and B are obviously are my initials'_

 _'Obviously' I mimicked_

 _Hannah rolled her eyes unapprovingly at my failed attempt to copy her but bit her bottom lip to stop a giggle escaping from her as a smirk grew on her face. I looked back down at the tattoo while Hannah moved her finger along_

 _'The heart represents my love for you that you hold the key too Helmet, I love you so much as my best friend and so much more' she explained while hovering her index finger of the last shape._

 _'What does the infinity symbol mean Hannah?'_

 _'Love' Hannah stated_

 _'Love?'_

 _'Remember that night at Jeff's basement'_

 _'Kinda' I replied, most of that night was vague for me apart from being in the basement with Hannah_

 _'Maybe love is how you understand infinity, when you love has no limits when it goes on forever maybe that feels like infinity' Hannah exclaimed_

 _'Huh'_

 _'You do a lot of things for me Clay. You talk, you listen to me and you're always there for me when I need you' she began. 'I just want you to know when you look at this tattoo everything I explained to you each of those meanings are true and my love for you will go on forever I adore you Clay'_

I moved my fingers out of the way and stared down at the tattoo on my wedding fingers, my thumb gently rubbing over the simple yet meaningful design from my best friend. Staring at the heart I brought my finger to my lips and pressed gently against the heart, a cold breeze went past my right shoulder as I felt a presence besides me when I turned to see Hannah there; she looked down on her own wedding finger before tearfully meeting my gaze

'You remember when we got them'

Hannah nodded her head and looked down at her wedding finger again at the tattoo, I stared down at mine and softly touched the inked heart again on the side of my finger

'I have your heart and you have mine' I stated

I just hope that if we do get to meet each other again in the afterlife Hannah can forgive me for taking my life so young also as I still struggle to fully forgive Hannah for taking hers. If we can get past that then maybe we can say it and mean it that we have each other's heart…

After standing in deep thought outside Karl's tattoo parlour I walked away from the store and continued my walk around the town, I felt my stomach rumbled from hunger as I hadn't eaten in hours since breakfast. Continuing my walk around the town I kept on moving still I found a nearest food outlet I laid eyes on, walking along the footpath I didn't spot my Prius or my parents parked along the side of the road outside Monet's. Pushing open the door of the coffee shop I stepped inside

I placed my order at the counter and went to the back of the coffee shop to where a few empty tables were situated, I came across a familiar table and sat down in one of the empty seats as Hannah reappeared and sat down opposite me. I placed my right hand down in the centre of the table while Hannah placed her hand above mine

'F.M.L'

Hannah smiled weakened when I uttered those three letters and I guess she must have known of my plans for what I intend to do later, even seeing the whole of town again with me she still hasn't uttered a single word since and I guess now she never will till we see each other properly again….

A few minutes later a waitress brought my order of a BLT sandwich and a mug of hot chocolate to my table and placed it down in front of me, I thanked the waitress for her service and gave her a generous tip as she walked away from me. Picking up one half of my sandwich I looked behind Hannah I saw another younger version of us when we spend one summer night here of our summer of fun

 _While we drank our hot chocolate Hannah ruffled down the sleeves of her hoodie and wrapped them around herself, taking off the beanie from my head I looked down at it before turning towards Hannah_

 _'Can I ask you something Hannah?'_

 _'Anything Helmet'_

 _'You seriously don't mind me having your signature beanie do you, I mean I understand if you want it back'_

 _'Helmet I do have other replacement beanie at home for that one but I want you to have my favourite one' she explained. 'You're my favourite person in the world so you deserve to have it and a part of me will always be with you'_

 _I smiled sweetly as I placed the beanie on top of my head; Hannah fixed the look of it and slid her fingers through my hair, trying her best to style my helmet hair_

 _'If you grew your hair out a bit and style it you could look like a hipster Clay' Hannah stated_

 _'A hipster'_

 _'You'd have to let me style you and pick out some new cloths for you'_

 _'And become your personal man doll to play around with I'm good thanks Hannah'_

 _'I'm serious Clay but you would have to ditch the hoodies'_

 _'That's never going to happen Hannah. It's my style it's what makes me, me.' I exclaimed. 'Anyway you'd just steal all my hoodies if I were to ditch them all'_

 _Hannah raised her brow suggestively like she hadn't stole any of my cloths before and I come up with unfair accusations, the smirk on her lips were playful as she cuddled up in the warmth of the hoodie trying to make me jealous_

 _'What I meant was I'd gladly give to you Hannah if you wanted them' I interjected quickly_

 _'Nice save Helmet' she replied, sipping on her hot chocolate. 'But are you ok with me having this'_

 _'Yeah I'm totally ok with it. I've got a few spare at home and I've been eyeing up a new Avengers hoodie'_

 _'That's so totally mine if you get it'_

 _'Here's an idea how about I buy us matching hoodies instead of you stealing another one from me' I smirked_

 _Hannah shook her head in annoyance and pulled down the beanie over my face, I laughed lightly behind the soft material and removed it from my vision. Hannah smiled wickedly while trying to hold back her laugh, I stuck my tongue out and made faces at her until she broke her resistance and laughed also….._

Finishing my sandwich I slowly sipped my hot chocolate and took in its creaminess, I'll sure miss these when I'm gone just as I'm sure Hannah does as well from here. We had a few good memories in here before my world came crashing down around me

'Come on Hannah we got a few more things to see'

I smiled warmly at Hannah and got up from the F.M.L table as we both left Monet's together to go the next place I wanted to see on the other side of town. On our walk to the next location I couldn't help but wonder why I was seeing a younger version of us having fun everywhere we went

'Do you know why I'm seeing us Hannah everywhere we go?'

Hannah pursed her lips and shook her head to my question, there could have been a number of reasons why I was seeing what I was seeing with no definite answer

'You will talk to me Hannah when I see you again won't you? This has been torture seeing you but not being able to hear your beautiful voice again'

Hannah smiled warmly before nodding her head as I twirled a few beads on my friendship bracelet, it's good to know I can finally have my answers from her when we do meet for why she did what she did….

The car park outside Rosie's Diner was filled to the bream when we arrived, everywhere you turned you would bump into someone from Liberty High School that were celebrating their graduation here with family or friends. I entered the diner and was seated at the bar since every booth was occupied at the minute; one of the cooks caught my attention when I had zoned out in the busy diner. Looking up at the cook I realised it was a friend of mine that I made when I did some volunteer work here when I first started looking for a job. The cook Billy, was the owner of Rosie's Diner and he was a sweet old man that had given me a first break in getting some real world experience

'Hey Billy' I greeted

'How's it going Clay?'

'Not to bad I guess, same old same old'

Billy nodded his head slowly and then pulled out a small notepad and pencil from his pocket on the apron his was wearing; he licked the tip of the pencil before hovering it over his notepad. 'What can I get you son?'

'A basket of fries and a strawberry milkshake please'

'Coming right up'

'How much do I owe you Billy?'

'It's on the house Clay'

'You sure' I questioned, raising a brow

'It's only a basket of fries and a shake and besides, it's your graduation and from what I heard about your killer speech from your fellow graduates you deserve it'

'Thanks Billy'

Billy put my order up on the rack behind the service counter before clearing up the counter top, he asked what my plans were now that I've graduated high school and I told him about West Virginia and the college I would be attending. I inquired about the whereabouts of his wife as usually she was the front of house of the diner; Billy informed me that she had gone out for the day with their grandkids as he placed my order down in front of me

'Enjoy Clay'

'Thanks' I replied, picking up a fry from the basket and dipping it into my strawberry milkshake for a sweet and salty taste that I enjoy so much

 _We tucked into our meal and every so often I would pick up a fry and dip it into my chocolate milkshake, earning a grimace face from Hannah in disapproval of my eating methods_

 _'That's disgusting Helmet' Hannah whined_

 _'Have you ever even tried it Hannah' I exclaimed, raising a brow. 'How do you even know it's disgusting?'_

 _'I'll just go with my assumption Clay that it is'_

 _'Well at least try it before you assume'_

 _'I wouldn't if you paid me a million dollars'_

 _'For me, please' I begged_

 _'Fine, for you' she relented in the end_

 _Hannah picked up a single fry from her plate and dunked it into her strawberry milkshake, the thick shake slid down her fry as she took a bite of her milkshake covered fry, her grimacing face turned to shock and surprise from the taste of it mixed together_

 _'Well' I enquired as I stretched out the L. 'What did you think'_

 _'It's actually nice'_

 _'Just nice' I exclaimed, receiving an ok reaction to a wonderful taste in the world_

 _'It's more than nice, it's actually awesome' she admitted, taking another fry and dipping it again. 'It got a salty but sweet taste to it that blends well together'_

 _'See I knew you would like it' I smiled. 'Mind if I have a taste of your shake'_

 _'Not at all Helmet'_

 _Hannah slid her strawberry milkshake glass across the table towards me, I picked up my straw from my glass and placed it in her glass and took a sip of the sweet delicious strawberry shake I like from Rosie's_

 _'Hey you're getting chocolate in my strawberry' she accused, knitting her brows furiously_

 _'Sorry'_

 _Hannah grabbed a hold of my chocolate shake glass and put her straw in mine, taking a small gulp of my shake and raising her brows suggestively_

 _'Hey Hannah you're getting strawberry in my chocolate'_

 _'Sorry' she smirked. 'Now we're even'_

 _We placed our hands back on the table and intertwined our fingers together as we ate our meal of hamburger and fries. Not caring what any looks or silent rumours that were spreading of us as we ate together peacefully…._

Swivelling in my bar stool seat I stared at the empty booth Hannah and I shared together here a week before valentines, if only I was a little bit more confident and asked Hannah more quickly that night if she wanted to spend valentine day together instead of being interrupted by the waitress Hannah would be here and sat right beside me. I blew a chance that could have set off a new reality of events then the one I'm living now without Hannah

I reached for my wallet and fished out a couple of five dollar bills and placed it next to the basket, sipping up the last remaining contents of my milkshake I stood up out of my seat from the bar

'I hope to see you around Clay during the summer before you head off to West Virginia' Billy proclaimed

'You will Billy, also give my love to Rosie for me will you'

'Don't worry Clay I will' he sighed assuringly. 'She'll be glad to know you popped by when I tell her this evening. Rosie hasn't seen you since that night you came with that girl a week before valentines, what was her name again'

'Hannah'

'Yeah' he sighed deeply. 'So sorry about your loss Clay'

I nodded my head and waved goodbye to Billy before walking out of the diner with Hannah on tow, the next location wasn't that far from here as I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone to check the time, I still have half an hour left before I was meant to meet up with everyone at the Crestmont….

It was all quiet than usual when I entered a familiar neighbourhood and stood outside a frequent home that I visited a lot during my sophomore year, looking up at the sign post in the front garden a large notice had been placed of the sign stating the property had been sold. I hoped what happened here wouldn't put off any potential buyers since it was a lovely home

I felt a hand cup my own and intertwine our fingers together when I turned to my right, seeing Hannah stood beside me as I turned my gaze back to her home. My mind filled with memories of all the times we hung out here after school or after a shift from work, a small smile crept along my lips as I turned towards her former bedroom window as thought about all the time we spend in there

 _She turned her back to me while I got changed quickly and got under the duvet on her bed. Hannah lifted up the duvet and climbed in next to me as our faces were just inches apart from each other, our gaze locked with one another as she reached out and touched my forehead gently_

 _'Ouchhhhhh' I groaned, muffling into one of her pillow to keep the noise down_

 _'_ _Does it till hurt Clay I barely touched it'_

 _'It's just throbbing like crazy Hannah'_

 _'Maybe this will help' she suggested_

 _Hannah sat up slightly in her bed and softly planted her hand against my cheek, she drew my head up closer to her and delicately pressed her lips against the bandage and kissed where it hurt the most, a small amount of pain subsided from the gentle kiss_

 _'Any better' Hannah asked, raising a brow_

 _'Much better'_

 _'If you wake up during the night needing more Tylenol Helmet then there's some on my bedside table' she motioned behind her_

 _'Thanks Hannah for taking care of me tonight I really appreciate it' I admitted, leaning forward and kissed her forehead softly_

 _'I'll always take care of my Helmet' she smiled as we chuckled lightly and moved a bit closer to each other in bed, Hannah reached up from underneath the duvet and took hold of my hand in hers, her thumb moving soothingly over my knuckles, making sure I wouldn't get up and leave during the middle of the night, when she was done I drew up her hand to my mouth and kissed her knuckles as I rested our hands back to where they were, in the middle of us as we drifted off into peaceful sleep right next to each other…._

I turned around to face Hannah as she smiled fondly at me remembering those memories as well, she turned back around to look at her house and more into her empty bedroom. Whoever owns the house next now this will always be the Baker's residence and this bedroom will always be Hannah's

'We were always so soft and caring with each other weren't we'

Hannah nodded her head and reached up to touch my forehead, her fingers grazed gently against my rough patch of skin over the places I've had cuts to my forehead, some that Hannah had nursed after my accident in Eisenhower park

'Maybe I should wear my helmet more often, save whatever brains I have left inside my head'

Hannah giggled uncontrollable which caused me to laugh also at my pretty lame joke as she lifted up her hands to cover over her mouth to calm down her laughter, upon doing so Hannah's gown sleeve moved down her arms to reveal the friendship bracelet I made her on her wrist. I reached out to her to touch her bracelet and twirled a few beads on her wrist; Hannah placed her hand on arm and inspected my friendship bracelet

Hannah's fingertips traced the outline of the crescent moon bead before moving along the letter beads that spelled out my nickname Hannah had for me till she reached the end, her fingers stopped on the heart bead and she casted her gaze to former bedroom, I turned my head to her empty bedroom to see that the room had transformed back to how I remembered it, everything was back in its place like nothing had happened. I saw the past version of Hannah and I sat on her bed making our friendship bracelets right at the end of summer vacation….

 _I nodded my head while moving a bit of the duvet out of Hannah's view to reveal my bracelet for her, multiple colours of orange and yellow were used with her name spelled out on white beads. On each ends of her name I had placed a special metal design bead; one with a bunny and the other being large silver star_

 _'What do you think Hannah?'_

 _'I love it Helmet, it's beautiful' she gushed, admiring my handy work. 'I love the colours you used'_

 _'There's a secret meaning behind them colours'_

 _'Which is?' Hannah asked_

 _'The colours represent the sun' I began, looking back down at the bracelet. 'It's a saying I heard but can't remember where. 'Things can't be that bad in the world if the sun is out shining'. Like I said it may sound stupid but it's stuck with me since I heard it years ago'_

 _'I don't think it's stupid at all Helmet'_

 _'This bracelet I'm about to give you I want it to be a promise Hannah'_

 _'And what is this promise Helmet'_

 _'I promise to be always there for you Hannah whenever you need me ok, anytime time of the day or night I'll always be there for you no matter what comes our way'_

 _I motioned down for Hannah to put her left arm out in front of me to which she placed down in my lap, picking up both ends of the bracelet string I looped it under Hannah's wrist and tied the ends tightly together. Turning her arm over I kept clasp of her hand and brought it closer to my me, gently placing a soft kiss to her knuckles as my thumb rubbed along them afterwards_

 _'No matter what happens I'll always be here for you Hannah, you know that don't you'_

 _'I do Helmet' Hannah nodded her head and smiled weakly. 'Now it's your turn Clay'_

 _I smiled back at Hannah as she removed a little bit of the duvet to reveal her hard work, colour beads of navy and dark emerald filled the string with my personal nickname Hannah used spelled out. On the ends of my nickname were a silver crescent moon and on the other being a heart, I stuck my left wrist out towards Hannah as she tied the ends of the bracelet she made onto me_

 _'This is perfect' I exclaimed while twirling a couple of beads on the string_

 _'You like it Helmet' she smiled hopefully, raising a brow_

 _'I love it Hannah, a lot'_

 _'You definitely promise me' she gulped lightly. 'To always be by my side'_

 _'I'll always will be Hannah'_

 _I watched as Hannah intertwined our fingers and gave a gentle squeeze of our hands, she brought our joined hands up to her mouth and gently kissed the back of my hand while dropped it back down between us, just before our joined hands hit the bed I pulled a little harder and brought our hands towards my mouth and kissed the back of her hand_

 _'Can I ask you something about my bracelet Hannah?' I asked while touching the metal beads on the end of my nickname_

 _'Of course Helmet'_

 _'The crescent I understand from when I showed you the eclipse but the heart I don't' I explained, raising a brow. 'Is it your heart Hannah…. metaphorically speaking'_

 _'Maybe it is Helmet' she smirked playfully. 'Metaphorically speaking'_

 _I rolled my eyes and huffed loudly as Hannah giggled playfully for the first time in ages since I last heard her do that when we were at the leisure centre, it looked like we were back on track to being our normal selves around each other again. Playful, laughter and happiness back in each other's lives again but I couldn't help but noticed the sadness and sorrow in Hannah's eyes this evening that she best tried to hide away from me._

Looking more closely into the room my vision changed back to the reality it was now, the empty bedroom of my deceased best friend that I was standing outside of. My phone vibrated in my suit pocket for a short moment as I retrieved to read the new incoming message, tapping on the text message it was from Justin

'Everyone is nearly here Clay for this thing you want to do, will you be long?'

I quickly typed out my message back to Justin that I had just finished what I was doing and making my way back to them now. Placing my phone back into my pocket I saw Hannah was having one last look at her former home as tears filled up her eyes, she definitely had mixed memories of her time living here that's for sure. I stepped forward and took hold of her hand in mine and softly rubbed my thumb over her knuckles

'Take your time Hannah, whenever you're ready we'll go'

Hannah nodded her head sympathetically and took one last look around her former home and peered through the living room window, I dread to think what kind of memories she was seeing and experiencing right now of what her life used to be like. A couple of moments later Hannah motioned her head for us leave now as she hung her head down in shame, I squeezed her hand reassuringly and flashed a small smile as we left her old neighbourhood….

During the fifteen minute walk to the final destination in the middle of the town I was kinda nervous of seeing everyone again even tho I just only saw them at graduation, for some of them this may be the last time they see me alive this afternoon. When I rounded the corner of the block The Crestmont came into view as I could see a handful of figures on the roof of the building, walking over to the bike rack I placed my fingers on it and had my back towards the building. This is where my shooting star fell to earth, like nothing I had ever seen before

 _I had just parked up my bike against the rack outside of The Crestmont building, I was pretty nervous and excited to be starting my first actual real job today, I was kinda scared what if my new co-workers don't like me or think I'm weird_

 _'_ _Love the helmet' a voice behind me called out, I turned around to see a beautiful brunette that looked my age walk up to me. 'It's adorable'_

 _'_ _You mean adorable in a helpless baby animal sort of way I'm guessing'_

 _'_ _Aint you afraid of helmet hair'_

 _'_ _My hair does the same thing no matter what, it just sits there'_

 _'_ _It just needs a little product' she exclaimed, putting her fingers into my hair and examining it. 'A little effort to style it blow dry it in the morning'_

 _'_ _And sacrifice my masculinity'_

 _'_ _That ship has sailed don't we think'_

 _The beautiful girl smirked quickly before walking back to the movie theatre; I quickly followed behind her to keep up with my new work colleague_

 _'_ _Forgive me for wanting to keep my brains inside my head'_

 _'_ _Instead of say some other regions like most boys' the girl replied, reaching her hand into the box office and pulling out a clipboard before gently tapping my arm. 'Come on Helmet you've got bathrooms to clean'_

 _'_ _You mean we've got' I proclaimed, walking past the box office with her to the entrance doors_

 _'_ _Mmm I don't actually' she exclaimed while pulling open the door to the Crestmont. 'Oh um party at my house tomorrow night, you're invited its mandatory. Don't bring the helmet'_

 _'_ _Cool' I replied, checking my hair in the glass door before following her inside as the glass door shut behind me_

The glass door of the Crestmont bust open pulling me out of my daydream when I first met Hannah here, my eyes lay on Justin as he rushed over to me at the bike rack and placed his hand on my arm

'You alright Clay' he greeted. 'Where have you been? I've been worried sick when you didn't answer my earlier text'

'Sorry' I sighed, pursing my lips together. 'I went for a walk around the town, lost track of my surrounding'

'Well everyone is here and waiting ages for you on the roof'

'Did you tell them why I called them here Justin'?

'I thought I'd better leave that for you to explain'

'Thanks Justin'

I placed my arm around Justin's shoulders and he ushered me into the Crestmont building, we walked past the quiet foyer and into back where employees had access too. I had led Justin up to the roof and pushed open the emergency door to gain entry to the space, I looked around the whole roof and everyone had turned up who Justin send the group text too. Walking to a small table I poured myself a small soft drink of cola as Mr Brady came up to me and poured himself a drink, it'd had been years since I last saw him when I resigned from my job as I couldn't work here anymore without Hannah by my side

'Hey Clay' a kind middle aged man greeted

'Hi Mr Brady' I greeted warmly. 'Thanks for doing this for me and shutting down the cinema for a couple of hours, it really means a lot that you did that not just for me but for Hannah as well'

'It's my pleasure Clay. She was a really good kid and great employee; I can't get over that Hannah's gone I'll miss her very much'

'Yeah me too Mr Brady'

We both put our glasses down on the small table and embraced one another as I wrapped my arms tightly around the man, Mr Brady held me close as he knew I struggled being here with all the memories I had with Hannah. I pulled away from him tearfully and composed myself before walking through the small crowd of people

I gained the attention of everyone on the roof while all eyes finally laid on me when they noticed my arrival, the small group of people shuffled a little closer to me when I looked at who turned up. My gaze trailed along the familiar faces I've gain to know over the years at Liberty High. I first saw Tony with his boyfriend Caleb and he invited his older brothers along since they knew me also and were keen to support me in this, moving past them I notice in the crowd were Sheri Holland, Ryan Shaver and Tyler Down stood alongside their parents. Next to them was Alex Standall with his parents and older brothers with Zach Dempsey and his baby sister May Dempsey stood behind them. On their right was Courtney Crimson with her girlfriend Tamika and her two dads, talking to Mr Brady was the only contact I had trouble locating were Mr Porter; I knew how remorseful and full of guilt he was after what happened with Hannah so I needed him to be here. Lastly on the side of Mr Porter were the people I cared most about, Justin and Jessica stood next to each other hand in hand with my family and hers stood together with Mrs Baker placed in between. On the end of Justin a new figure stood next to him, Hannah smiled softly as she was the last one I saw gathered here together

'Thank you everyone to responding to the group text and being here today' I proclaimed, taking a nervous breath of air. 'I know you probably have better engagements to be attending than here right now but it means a lot that you're here. The reason I have gathered you all here is that maybe you'll release some balloons with me'

Justin pulled away from Jessica to the table behind me and removed the sheet of cloth, revealing a table filled with baskets of pens, small tags and white balloons

'I've already given you a speech of hope so I'm not gonna bore you with another long speech so I'm gonna keep this sweet and short. The whole purpose of realising the balloons is, a moment of remembrance of those who shaped you into the person you are today and that couldn't be here to celebrate this milestone in our lives whether be it a mother or a father, grandparents aunts uncles brothers or sisters of even a close friend that's not here anymore to share the occasion. Join me and let them know you're still thinking about them with the balloons and let's celebrate their lives'

The small group of people dispersed from one another and made their way to the table behind me to pick up a pen and few tags; I announced to the crowd if they were ready with their balloon they could release it. The sky filled with white balloons as I watched them go higher in the sky and float away from The Crestmont, I had made personal tags for my granddad and Hannah as I stood near the Crestmont huge sign and let go of my balloons, watching both of the balloons float away….

After a couple of hours of socialising and catching up with my friends and their families I bided them goodbye because probably they have other plans for today and once summer ends everyone will be going their different ways to college. Once everyone had left only my parents, Mrs Baker, Justin and Jessica remained to help clear up what little mess there was up here

Once I swiped up the rubbish to one side of the roof I placed my broom against the wall, looking at the edge of the roof I saw Hannah had her back to me. Walking over to her I climbed up on the edge of roof and sat beside her, following her gaze I notice she was looking up at the sky before I turned back to her

 _'_ _Yep I got you' I assured her_

 _'_ _Ok'_

 _'_ _Okay so now you're gonna put your left leg over' I instructed when I held out my hand for Hannah to take and steady herself on the ledge. 'Yeah nice, there you go'_

 _'_ _Thanks' Hannah replied, sitting comfortably on the ledge beside me. 'What am I supposed to be seeing?'_

 _'_ _Just a shadow over the moon' I informed her while pointing it out in the dark night sky. 'Look it's growing slowly'_

 _'_ _A shadow growing slowly' she mimicked, looking for the shadow_

 _'_ _Yeah just little bit by little bit…look closely' I instructed to the moon_

 _'_ _Wait I see it…I see it' she gasped, both of us looking closely at the penumbral lunar eclipse. 'It's kinda scary'_

 _'_ _Is it?' I exclaimed, staring directly into her eyes_

 _Hannah's gaze interlocked with mine for a few seconds before she pulled herself away and looked at the penumbral lunar eclipse. A short cold breeze blew past as Hannah brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear and shuffled a little closer to my side, I felt her side press up against me and I was unsure what to do next. Do I place my arm around her or create a little of space between us again? I turned my head a little and smiled weakly while Hannah turned towards me smiled back, we returned our gaze back to the penumbral lunar eclipse and stared at its shadow for the rest of the night…..._

Reliving that memory from a few years ago from that exact same spot I turned my head a little to my right to find Hannah had gone from the Crestmont roof. I heard footsteps creep up behind me as I waited for the person to reach me and speak, I saw Mrs Baker come into view and rest her arms on the edge

'There's one balloon left Clay I thought you should have it'

'Let's share it Mrs Baker'

Mrs Baker wrote down on side of the small tag before handing it to me with the pen in her hand, I had wrote more meaningful tags when I released my balloons so I kept this message small but powerful. Mrs Baker slid the end of the string into the tag's loophole and tied the knot on the string; I lifted out my lily from the buttonhole from my suit jacket and tied it on the string before Mrs Baker and I let go out of the balloon and watched it float away to join the others…..

A few hours later I was back in my bedroom making the final touches that everything was clean and tidy for when they check over my room for any clues to why I had taken my own life. Likely Justin was gone for the whole afternoon down Jessica Davis's house, when he comes back to his home everything will have changed for him. I looked through the memory box one last time to check everything was in the box, looking towards my bed I saw Hannah perched on the end

'I think I'm ready to tell our parents about us, what we got up to together'

Hannah smiled weakly as I lifted up the memory box in my hands and left my bedroom, Hannah followed closely behind when I went down the stairs to the living room and placed the box down on the coffee table. I shouted from the living room to the kitchen calling my parents and Mrs Baker to come in here, the trio of grownups sat down on the opposite sofa and were curious to why I called them in here

'I've got some stuff I need to show you all'

I popped off the lid of the memory box and pulled out the first item that started off the friendship between Hannah and I. looking through the couple of photo booth strips I handed them to my mom who inspected them before handing it to the others, lastly Mrs Baker looked at the strips and was confused to why I was showing them this

'What's all this Clay?' she enquired, peering further into the box

'Hannah and I were friends, you all know that but you three never knew how close we really were' I admitted. 'What am about to show you is about our friendship and how I get these items. Please don't interrupt when I tell you about Hannah and I because this is really fucking hard to talk about'

The trio of grownups shook their heads as Mrs Baker handed me back the photo booth strips, I placed them down on the coffee table in front of them as I quickly glanced to my right to face Hannah as she nodded my head for me to continue. Taking a deep breath I told them the story of how I get the photo booth strips….

After I placed the last remaining item back on the coffee table next to the other fourteen significate items all that could be heard in the living room were deep weeping and heavy sniffles. When I looked up from my dropped gaze I saw my parents and Mrs Baker were in floods of tears of the secrets I've kept from them for so long

'I'm so sorry Mrs Baker' I sobbed heavily

'What for Clay'

'All of you ever known was that Mr Porter was the last one to speak to Hannah alive but that' not true, I was Mrs Baker and I didn't save her' I cried, wiping the tears away from my cheeks as I violently shake cursed through me. 'She was in front of me crying for help and I didn't do anything, I sat back like a coward as I always do. I could have stop her Mrs Baker and helped Hannah but I didn't, I just let her go and her death is all my fault, no one else's not even Mr Porter but only mine'

'You couldn't have known Clay she would do something like that' Mom reasoned

'I'm supposed to know and see these things mom before Hannah took her own life I was Hannah's best friend. What kind of person does that make me eh? If I can't save her life let alone mine anymore'

'What do you mean by that' Mrs Baker inquired

'Nothing….just nothing' I replied quickly, trying to back track on my slip of words. 'I need some air I'll be back later'

I hastily packed up the special items back into the memory box and shut the lid before getting up from the sofa, quickly running away from the trio of grownups to the front door

'Where are you going Clay? Just come back and talk to us and we'll sort it all out' Mrs Baker cried out

'There's nothing to sort out it's all my fault Mrs Baker that Hannah isn't here anymore'

Quickly leaving the house as fast as I could down the front garden I ran away from my home knowing at least one of them would come chasing after me, diverging through the back streets of my local neighbourhood I pulled out my earphones and plugged them into my phone, bringing up my Spotify playlist and pressed play on the app for my new favourite song as I hurried along to the safe place on the hill…. 

_My one and only love_

 _I've been lonely long enough_

 _Will I find you when the night is over?_

 _Tell me where did you go?_

 _I've been searching high and low_

 _I have only 'til the night is over_

 _In every window, I pass_

 _Your reflection in the glass_

 _Makes me wonder if my mind is going_

 _Shadows shifting in the rain_

 _Slowly driving me insane_

 _By the stars above, I know we were in love_

 _I have only 'til the night is over_

 _I feel the weather change_

 _I hear the river say your name_

 _I watch the birds fly by_

 _I see an emerald in the sky_

 _Now how the trail has gone cold_

 _I don't know where else to go_

 _And my time, I fear, is nearly over_

 _When the ocean drinks the sky_

 _And the city winks its eye_

 _When the night is done, you'll vanish in the sun_

 _Will I hold you when the night is over?_

 _Am I lost inside my mind?_

 _There's an emerald in the sky_

 _I hear the river say your name_

 _By the stars above, I know we were in love_

 _I hear the river say your name_

 _I have only 'til the night is over_

After listening to the same song on repeat twice I finally reached my distention when I made the ascent up the small mountain to the get to my private safe space, when I got up the small steep incline sunset had fallen around the town with the sky turning into different hues of orange and purple.

I walked over to the single small engraving on the big oak tree that sat on top of the hill, tracing my fingertips over the deep engraving I embedded into the oak; I wonder if anyone else will find this place and grave this tree as well someday. Lifting myself up from the small crouch I walked over to the only bench on the hill, before I sat down I noticed a balloon had got stuck amongst the branches when I retrieved it from the oak tree, it looked like one of the balloons we had released from the Crestmont. I peeked at the tag on the end of the line of string and sighed deeply, it was the one Mrs Baker and I released together that had gotten struck

'I love you Hannah. I miss you so much. I hope you are waiting for me. Love Helmet xxx'

I reread my message on the small white tag before kissing the piece of paper and setting the balloon lose once again that it could take to the sky, I wonder if Hannah will get my message before she sees me up there with her

Sitting down on the wooden bench I pushed up the sleeves on my hoodie to reveal my bare arms, my friendship bracelet came into view as I lifted up my left arm and gave the metal heart bead a deep kiss as tears left my eyes. With my blurry vision I looked at my other forearm of the tattoo I got inked a few months ago of the lone bunny looking up at the night sky while sat on the crescent of the moon, I was that bunny now looking up for any hope in the night sky to carry on living

I pulled out the small razor blade from my jean pocket and held the sharp piece of metal in my hand, deliberating which forearm to slice first to release the pain I locked up inside of me over time. I couldn't slice the tattoo first on my right arm so I held the razor over my left, hovering over the bottom of my tiny semicolon tattoo I hesitated plunging the sharp blade into my flesh. Pressing the razor against my skin I felt my body shudder over what's to come next

'Come on Clay be brave, if Hannah could do it then so can you' I whimpered breathlessly. 'No time for regrets now, it's too late for that'

A cry escaped out of my mouth when I lost composure of holding the razor, I held a tight grip of the sharp metal again and pressed it against my left forearm, a little deep pressure onto my arm that would be it, cutting open my arm for the blood to pour out of me. I closed my eyes because I didn't want to see my own death as I held the blade in place ready for the cut

'Are you really going to do it Helmet' a soft feminine voice spoke

I widen my eyes quickly at the sound of that voice I hadn't heard in over a year since I last heard her a couple of days before I let her go from her funeral service. Looking up from my fixed gaze on my arm I saw Hannah in front of me; she sat down opposite me on the bench and turned towards me. Tears held in my eyes from the sight of hearing Hannah speak again as a few trickled when she smiled gently

'You really fucking pick your moments don't you Hannah' I exclaimed

Hannah nodded her head and placed her hand on my arm, slowly trying to pull my arm away from the other to make a cut. I guess if I don't follow what Hannah wants she would go quiet again for god knows how long, I had to do what she wanted so I can hear Hannah again. I pulled my hand away from my top of my forearm and placed the razor down between us

'Why after all this time do you finally decide to speak eh? When I needed you before Hannah you just remained silent and watched me suffer'

'Because me talking to you last time worked out so well didn't it Clay? You held a gun to your head and were willing to kill yourself. I back off just in case you tried to commit suicide again and here you are! Trying to kill yourself'

'That's not fair Hannah I'm suffering just like you did' I cried painfully. 'Why am I even seeing you Hannah? Remember I love you and I let you go? You walk out of those doors so why did months later did I start seeing you again'

'So many questions so little time to answer them Clay' she replied simply. 'You may have finally been able to let me go Helmet but I couldn't let you go so easily. I came back because I knew what you were going to do and I couldn't let you'

'So you're trying to stop me from taking my own life'

'I don't want you to die Clay' she begged. 'When I took my own life I made a mistake, it's one of the biggest regrets of my life. I thought I was freeing myself from the pain but I wasn't, suicide doesn't end the pain. It just passes it on to someone else'

'You passed your pain onto me when you left Hannah, you left a big fucking hole in my life with nothing left to fill it with'

'You've got Justin and Jessica, Tony, your parents and my mom' she exclaimed. 'You got people who care about you. Think about them before you decide to leave, you'll only be passing your pain onto them'

'That's rich coming from you Hannah' I retorted. 'Did you even think about me before you slit your wrists?'

Hannah had tears fill her eyes and spill over before she nodded her head. 'I would have ruined you Helmet we all know I would have'

I shook my head at her statement that she could even say that to me, dropping my gaze to the friendship bracelet I twirled a few beads on the string as I thought about the promises we made each other when we tied the knot on the string

'We made promises to be there for each other when we put these bracelets on each other's wrist Hannah. Why didn't you just come to me?'

'I was already broken Helmet even if I came to you for help. My damaged past would have ruined you once you knew everything and would have ruined us from the start if we got together, I couldn't put you through that'

'It wouldn't have ruined us Hannah I bet you there's a multiverse out there somewhere where we would have gotten together after everything we've been through, we would have made it past the shitty parts of life and skip right to the good parts like New York'

'Then why can't you do that for me Clay'

'Do what?'

'Get past this point in your life and get to the good parts of your life to come. Getting married, have kids, becoming an astronomy teacher, exploring the world, becoming a grandfather'

'Doing all that isn't the same without you by my side Hannah, I don't want to live in a world without you'

'I'll always be by your side Helmet believe me I will' she assured. 'Live your life Clay, don't waste it …don't waste your life'

'What if I can't see a life for myself anymore Hannah, everything is just black here on out there no light I can see to even consider not going through with it'

'Then go and do something I never did but I wished that I had' she replied. 'Go and get professional help, it will be tough but you'll get through this and then you might see some light at the end of your dark tunnel'

'If I do Hannah and live a life that you me want too. Will I ever see you again?'

'That depends if you still want to see me Clay or I can finally let you go and live a life' she proclaimed. 'I'll wait for you Helmet and we can finally live a life together'

'You'll be waiting decades for me Hannah to arrive and it wouldn't be fair on you to wait for me knowing that you saved me and I got to live a life to the fullest but you never got a chance too because I didn't save you'

'You don't need to feel guilty Clay over something that you couldn't foresee, I don't and no one else holds that against you. Promise me you'll learn to make yourself happy someday, go live a life for the both of us Helmet'

I tearfully nodded my head at Hannah and wiped away the tears that strained my cheeks, seeing the hopeful smile on Hannah's face she thought she had done it and talk me out of doing it, in some sense of it she had done it but even after our long talk she hadn't

'If only I could just do that' I sighed deeply

I quickly snatched the razor blade from the bench and held it over the stop of my left forearm, taking a deep breath I plunged the sharp metal into my soft skin and flesh, blood spilled out of my wound and I yanked at the razor down my whole arm, sharp shudders and tingles coursed down my veins. A numbing sensation swept over my arm while blood spilled everywhere out of my body

'No Helmet' Hannah cried tearfully, placing her hands over her mouth

'I'm sorry Hannah' I weeped painfully

With whatever circulation I had flowing in my body I stammered my right hand over the wound of my left forearm and forced out the razor blade from my body. My limp arm held the sharp metal in my left hand as I placed it at the top of my right arm, I tried with all my might to pierce my flesh and give an identical wound on the arm. Blood was leaving my body at an alarming rate whilst I knew it would only take a couple of more minutes for me to bleed to death, I was beginning to dip in and out of consciousness when a voice called out for me, I laid back into the bench waiting for death to take me away when I felt a presence coming towards me from behind

'Clay' the voice screamed horrifically

My eyelids dropped shut and I knew I was blacking out from the huge amount of blood loss from my body, I felt a pair of hands on my wound to stem the flow but I had already dipped into unconsciousness when I blacked out from this world and was heading into the next…..

A shiny bright light blinded me over my closed eyelids when I forced them open so I could look into the light above, my body felt like death had just warmed up but there was so little sensation I could fell in it. Getting used to the harsh blinding light my eyes scanned where I was and what I could see around me

I turned to my right and saw monitors by my bedside beeping rhythmically and then followed the tubes down that were connected to the machine and into my right arm, forcing fresh fluids and blood into my body. A tingling sensation coursed through my left arm as I remembered what I had down to myself at my safe place, quickly darting my gaze over to my other arm I saw it had been bandaged up.

'You're finally awake' Hannah stated

I looked up at the end of my hospital bed and saw Hannah was hovering over my conscious body; her face couldn't hide her sadness but relieved expression that I was still alive as she walked over to the door

'I'll speak to you later Helmet'

Hannah disappeared into the thin air as she went through the door, following my dropped gaze I noticed a fast asleep Justin sat in a large chair next to my bed, on further inspection my eyes welled up with tears when I noticed his t-shirt was stained with my blood. I slammed myself further back into my bed and shoved the side of my face onto the pillow to muffle a deep scream I let out, Justin sleepily open his eyes and saw that I was awake in my bed when he smiled sleepily

'Hey, you're up' he greeted softly. 'I thought I had lost you Clay'

'Justin shuffled in his chair closer to me and held my hand in his tightly, afraid I might slip away from his life for good, the weird tingly sensation coursed it way up and down my forearm as I gently touched my wound

'You know the doctors told me I had found you just in time before you bleed out'

'Thank you I guess'

'Did you really want to end your life Clay?'

'Yes' I admitted tearfully. 'No…I don't really know how or what I'm feeling Justin right now. I just wanted this never ending numbing pain to just go away but now it looks like it never will'

'I should have known something was up with you Clay but I was too blind to see it in front of my own eyes'

'Don't get mad at yourself Justin you wouldn't have known I would do this. I didn't give you any clues or indications I was feeling this way, I don't blame you for anything that you did or didn't do'

'But I'm your brother Clay! What kind of brother does that make me if I couldn't help you? You need me and I wasn't there'

'You're helping me now' I assured him, gently squeezing his hand. 'You're right here aint you'

Justin nodded his head hopefully and wiped the tears away with the back of his hand, he didn't say much afterwards but looking into his eyes, they said more than his mouth did. The guilt I felt when Hannah took her own life and succeeded was the same pained look on Justin when I tried to take mine; I guess my attempt took a number out of him also as it did with me for Hannah

'How did you know where to find me Justin?' I asked curiously

'Mom and dad called me straight after you left the house in a hurry, when I got home I saw the memory box on the coffee table and I just knew something was wrong. It took you months to tell me everything inside the box but you just told them everything in one afternoon' he informed me. 'I searched out bedroom and found your note under my pillow, I took a chance and thought of all the places you've been with Hannah and your safe place came to mind first'

'Speaking of them, where are mom and dad right now?' I enquired, raising a brow. 'I thought they would be here by now since I've been here god knows how long'

Justin took a deep sighed and squeezed my hand again assuringly to gain my full attention. 'They've already come and seen you Clay when you were unconscious. When mom laid eyes on you she freaked out hysterically and suffered a huge panic attack, the doctors told me they are keeping her on another floor and monitoring her for the night. Dad has gone to stay by her side while I've been told to stay by yours'

'Can I go see them Justin? Let them know I'm alright'

'I have to ask the doctors first but they should be alright with it for a few minutes' he replied. 'You really gave them a massive fright Clay when I told them you attempted to take your own life'

'What about Mrs Baker? Do you know where she is' I asked frantically

'Clam down Clay she's just outside in the hallway. I guess you trying to take your own life might have brought back memories of Hannah taking hers' Justin proclaimed. 'Mrs Baker has been by your side since I brought you in Clay, she hasn't left her spot not once'

'Can you call her in please Justin I need to speak to her'

'Sure Clay' he sighed gently, getting up from the chair and walking towards the door, he stopped just in front of the door before turning back around. 'Whatever it takes Clay we're gonna get you the help you need and I'm gonna be right beside you all the way. You won't be doing this on your own Clay I promise you that, I'm not going anywhere not now not ever'

'I'll hold you too that Justin'

Justin nodded his head tearfully and smiled weakly before leaving my ward room in search of Mrs Baker, a few moments later I composed myself before Mrs Baker stepped into the room and shut the door behind her. She walked over to the bed and sat down in the vacant chair left beside me, Mrs Baker cupped my hand with hers and softly rubbed her thumb across my knuckles

'Oh Clay'

'I'm sorry' I sniffled, bowing my head down in shame from her gaze

'You have nothing to be sorry for sweetheart' she assured me

'I just tried to take my own life Mrs Baker, the same way your daughter took hers' I exclaimed. 'I'm so sorry I put you through that again being in this town with the painful memories you already have, you didn't deserve more I put on you'

'Apology accepted, I know you might want to blame yourself for everything that you've done to hurt us but you can't take all the blame'

'Why can't I Mrs Baker' I stated

'We let you down Clay, everyone did' she admitted. 'Your mom, dad, me, Justin and all of your friends. We didn't spot any of the signs that you were in pain and needed help, I'm so glad you didn't die out there all alone'

'I wasn't alone out there on the bench'

'Yeah Justin found you and brought you here'

'That' not what I meant Mrs Baker' I explained. 'I was confronted by Hannah, she asked me what was I was doing out there and begged me not to end my life'

'She was doing her job then I see' she proclaimed

'Her job' I questioned, raising a brow as I didn't know what she meant by that

'Remember when you asked me what I spoke to Hannah about at her grave? Saying it was private conservation between mother and daughter. I asked and prayed for her to keep a watchful eye on you sweetheart, I've been doing it every day for the past few months'

'Is that why I've been seeing her for months everywhere I go Mrs Baker, like literally everywhere'

'Maybe Clay' she sighed gently. 'Has she been speaking to you often?'

'Today was the first time in ages she spoke to me and it hurt like hell hearing her beautiful voice again' I proclaimed, hoping to hear Hannah's voice again as she promise to show up again. 'Have you been speaking to her Mrs Baker?'

'All the time when I….' she began, tears welling up in her eyes as a wall she had built around herself began to crack, emotions where flooding out while I placed my hand on top of her and squeezed hers reassuringly. 'Started cutting myself Clay'

'What!'

Mrs Baker nodded her head uncontrollably when she pushed up the sleeves on her coat, taking a deep breath she turned her forearms over to reveal the scars that covered her whole arms. I cried deeply for the pain she had been through to make her self harm

'Why Mrs Baker' I proclaimed, reaching out my hand and slowly touched her arm. Tracing my fingertips over her rough skin

'I was all alone in New York trying to live the life Hannah had hoped for herself, on the outside everyone saw a happy woman but at night I couldn't help but let my mind wonder places Clay' she explained. 'Theses dark thoughts entered my mind and I was ashamed at what my life had become. A divorcee and childless woman, a few years back and I'd say my life was perfect but when I looked at it then I became ashamed that I didn't do more Clay, didn't fight harder for my family to be here now'

Mrs Baker was fighting the urge not to breakdown in front of me while I couldn't stop crying from hearing the ordeal she went through when she moved away. Mrs Baker pulled down the sleeves of her coat and dabbed hey eyes with a tissue

'I guess cutting myself was a way to relieve the pain I was going through silently, with each cut I made I hated myself further for self-inflecting the pain I couldn't escape from' she admitted remorsefully. 'Then one day I was exactly in your shoes sweetheart I was going to end my life, I held a knife over my forearm and was about to cut it open when Hannah spoke to me'

'She stopped you as well'

'She saved me Clay that night, we talked all night long about why I wanted to end my life as well. I apologised I didn't do enough as her mother and told Hannah I loved her so much, we've been talking to each other ever since, she gets me through the most difficult of days'

'At least you had someone to talk to Mrs Baker that totally understands what you're feeling, I couldn't really talk to my parents or Justin they wouldn't understand the pain I was going through. I was too ashamed to get help Mrs Baker, I'm not as strong as you'

'No Clay…you're stronger' she assured, placing her hand above mine. 'The hardest part is admitting you need help and you've told me that, there's nothing now for you to be ashamed off'

'But l always will be ashamed what I put all my family and friends through Mrs Baker and they will be ashamed of knowing me, the loner that wanted to kill himself. Everyone will some know what I attempted to do and give my family that weird sympathetic look every time they see them or me, I can't live that down'

'You're not a burden them in any shape or form sweetheart' she soothed while cupping my cheek. 'You used to give me that sympathetic look every time you saw me when you found out about Hannah. What I'm saying is everyone around you greaves at the same time as you do when something tragic occurs but we try to be there for each other as best as we can'

'Thanks Mrs Baker'

'If you're in no mood to start college in the fall then you're more than welcome to stay with me in New York for as long as you need before you decide what to do next Clay' Mrs Baker proclaimed. 'We can just be there for each other'

'I think I would really like that a lot Mrs Baker but I need to get help first before I came stay with you, I want to beat this what I'm feeling right now and hopefully see a future for myself where I can try to be happy'

'If I can see a future when I was alone talking to Hannah then maybe you can too' she smiled widely. 'Just remember there's always more reasons why not'

I nodded my head while sinking further back into my hospital bed to get comfortable for the night, Mrs Baker's hand was still cupped against my face as she gently caressed my cheek. She opened up a bag that she brought with her and handed me a small decorated box

'I thought you might want this with you Clay'

'Thanks Mrs Baker'

I opened up the lid on the memory box and checked the contents inside; everything was back in here when I packed it hastily away a few hours earlier. Keeping my arms over the sides of the box I twirled a few beads on my friendship bracelet, I wonder what Hannah wants to talk to me about when she turns up again to see me

'I'm gonna go see how your mom is doing'

I nodded as Mrs Baker got up from her seat and kissed my forehead gently, she informed me she'll come and see me tomorrow and we'll talk about starting my plan to recovery. When she left my hospital room Justin entered and quickly took her place in the chair, I smiled warmly at him while he tore off some of his tootsie roll for me while we went over the memory box again on the bed….

A few hours later my eyelids flew up in the middle of the night, trying to get any decent sleep in the hospital would be near to impossible. Whilst I lay in my bed I saw my memory box was perched on the bedside table, I brought the box down and placed it besides me on the bed. When I shift inside my blanket I saw Hannah hoovering over the foot of my bed, she walked around to the side and sat down on the hospital bed

'I think we should have that talk now' Hannah stated

'I think we better had Hannah'

'Are you happy that you're still alive or disappointed that you didn't succeed in taking your own life Clay?'

'I'm thankful I'm still here Hannah but I do regret trying to end it all' I admitted. 'I should have been more brave and asked for help when I needed it'

'What's going to happen to you know Clay?'

'Well from what Justin has told me I'll be spending a few days in here before I get sent off to a mental health clinic, they already booked an appointment for me with a psychologist'

'You've been given a second chance Helmet please don't waste this one'

'I won't Hannah' I assured her. 'I want to beat this and make it through, I don't want feel like this anymore about myself and I owe that us, my family, your mom and everyone that cares about me. I owe it to them to try and recover from this attempt'

'I just wish I had survived my suicide attempt so I could have a second chance Helmet' she cried. 'Didn't I deserve a second chance?'

'Of course you did Hannah, more than anyone' I exclaimed, feeling tears roll down my cheek. 'If I could I would swap places with you in an instant Hannah'

'That's why your one of the sweetest boys I've ever known Helmet. My best friend'

'I owe it to you Hannah to keep on going because you didn't have a second chance and if you did, you would have owed it me to keep going yourself'

'Are you gonna take up my mom's offer of moving to New York with her'

'I think I have to go New York Hannah and be by your mom's side, we're going to be there for each other since we know what that pain feels like of being in that dark head space' I informed her. 'Why didn't you tell me your mom was self-harming?'

'That was kept between me and her as she was too proud to let anyone know she was suffering. I had to step in and stop her from accidently taking her own life' Hannah explained. 'Would you have wanted me to tell my mom you were going to kill yourself today if I didn't try to stop you?'

'Is that where you go Hannah when you would disappear from time to time by my side'

'I was checking up on my mom and we would talk for long conversations or short ones depending what you were doing back here. I was never abounding you Clay when I disappeared'

'I know Hannah. You don't have to explain yourself to me after all we are best friends' I stated, giving a few beads a twirl on my wrist. 'There one thing to ask Hannah, what did your mom say you at your headstone because she won't tell me'

'She prayed that I keep an eye on you in the future at all times and be your guardian angel, protect him from the evil from this world and give you a sense of hope if your ever feeling down for the rest of your life' she admitted, sighing heavily. 'Can I ask one thing from you Helmet?'

'Of course Hannah'

'Do you still want me to appear in your life Clay like I do now' she asked, raising a brow. 'Popping up whenever and actually talk to you this time around, knowing you won't freak out'

'Come back to me when I'm feeling alone or if you think I need a chat Hannah when I'm about to make a very important decision in my life' I admitted. 'I need to focus on my own life Hannah but that doesn't mean I won't ever forget about you, everything you meant to me I love you Hannah'

'I know Helmet, love you too' she smiled happily

Hannah gripped my hand tightly and stroked her thumb over my knuckles; I missed her touch so much as it had a desire calming effect on me. I spilled out the contents of the memory box on the bed between us and checked I had everything that should be inside the box, we reminisced while looking through the items before placing them one at a time back into the memory box. Poking my finger through the mental hole of the keychain I lifted up the disco ball in front of Hannah

'I think that was one of the happiest nights of my life when we got theses' I exclaimed

'Mine too Clay'

'I'd give anything just to have one more dance with you again Hannah to our song'

'When you pass on Helmet I'll make sure to save a dance for you' she smiled

'Are you sure we'll meet up again Hannah when my time comes'

'I'm positive Helmet that we will' she assured. 'I've met more of my family members since I've passed on so we'll definitely meet up again if you're unsure what happens next when we pass'

'You promise you'll wait for me Hannah'

'I promise Helmet' she replied, crossing and x above her heart. 'Will you be waiting for me till then?'

'Of course I will be Hannah' I stated

'But I don't want that for you Helmet' she sighed deeply. 'Our time is not now to be together and I know you'll wait for me. Please try to start a life with someone and have kids of your own someday, who knows you'll maybe name a girl after me'

'Of course I will'

'Live your life to the fullest and achieve everything you wanted before you lost your hope, I know you'll probably think I'll hold it against you for having a family of your own but I would love to meet them someday Clay'

'I'll try too Hannah I really will'

'I know you struggled letting me go Helmet and that's ok' she assured me by placing her hand above mine. 'You don't have too if you don't want too but if you do, I'll always remain in here and there'

Hannah placed her free hand on top of the memory box before pressing her index and middle finger to touch my temple. I nodded at her statement because the memories I had would never leave me and even if they did, the memory box would only refresh them and everything will came rushing back to me

'I know Hannah, memories become stories when we forget them but these memories are going nowhere' I replied. 'I'll continue on to live my life not just for my family but for us as well'

Hannah smiled warmly as I lay back down in my hospital bed and took hold of her hand; I playfully yanked her down to lay with him on the bed as the memory box sat in the middle of us. Wes stared into each other's eyes as I tighten my grip on her hand, just wanting Hannah to stay with me tonight before she disappears when I wake in the morning, Hannah squeezed my hand reassuring that she wasn't going anywhere any time soon as we both drifted off to sleep…..

CRESTMONT – YEAR 2117

My eyelids flew open from a deep sleep I had managed to get from the comfortable hospital bed, I looked over to the nightstand that sat beside my bed and saw I had memory box was sat on top of the flat surface. Pictures of the different stages of my life were shattered alongside the memory box as I turned my attention them, I had definitely lived the life I wanted too when I made my promise to Hannah to try to live it to the fullest

Looking to the other side of me I saw my two beautiful twin grown up children sat sleep in the chairs in the room, I'll always be grateful to Jessica for being a surrogate mother and giving birth to them, for a long time in my life I though kids were out of my future. My daughter's eyes open moments later as she flashed me a sleepy smile

'Morning Dad' she greeted

'Morning sweetheart'

'How did you sleep?'

'Ok I guess' I replied. 'Where are the kids and great grandkids?'

'They've gone back to the house to get some sleep for a couple of hours they'll be back soon'

I bobbed my head while placing my smart watch phone onto my wrist and tighten the strap, I threw the covers of my old and fragile body and climbed out of the bed

'Love you dad'

'Love you too Hannah'

I changed out of my hospital clothes and back into my regular clothes breathlessly, my body has definitely taken its toll over the last few years and it was a miracle I had lasted this long as I had. I had picked up my walking stick and was about to leave the room when my seventy seven year old daughter called out behind me

'Where are you going dad'

'I'll be back soon sweetheart I'm going for a little walk'

'Dad you're not well, just sit down and get back into the bed and rest' she pleaded

My son eyelids flew open and was surprised I was out of my hospital bed, he was shocked I had changed back into my regular clothes as he and Hannah rushed out of their chair, coming to my side and placed me down on the bed

'Where are you going dad you need to rest like that doctors said' my son exclaimed

'Like I told Hannah I'm going for a walk and I'll be back soon before they even know I'm gone'

'You just suffered another heart attack last week dad the doctors told you to get some rest; you're still in a very fragile state'

'I'm old Charlie one hundred and seventeen to be exact' I exclaimed. 'Course I'm gonna be in a fragile state'

'Don't let this be goodbye dad' Hannah interjected tearfully

'I would never ever leave both of your sides without saying goodbye' I assured them. 'I'll come back I promise'

Wrapping both of my arms around my children I kissed each of their foreheads before getting up from the bed, as I reached the door I turned on my heels back to them and picked up a small pager called Rescue

'Keep an eye on the memory box for me Hannah I'll be back in an hour'

Walking out of my private hospital room to the foyer of the floor I snuck out of the building through the fire escape door, I finally made it outside of the hospital minutes later and walked into the busy town…..

After living in New York for a couple years with Mrs Baker and then exploring Europe in my early twenties and thirties nothing had really changed at all in the town of Crestmont, building were demolished for new and improved building structures and historical landmarks were kept preserved to their former glory and were still operational

Coming down the sidewalk I had stopped outside the main historical landmark of the town, even after hundred years since I first started working here this building was still here and in use, looking deeply through the glass panel I saw a late teen version of myself and Hannah working behind the counter of the Crestmont. Taking a few steps back from the glass doors I admired the signage sign against the side of the building

'I hope this building is still here in another hundred years' time'

At the ledge of the movie theater I saw another version of me and Hannah sat on the roof staring up the night sky looking for the penumbral lunar eclipse. I carried on walking down the sidewalk to go get myself a hot drink from the local coffee shop of the town that everyone adored…..

After my short trip to Monet's for their famous hot chocolate I got an Uber ride out to my secret safe space that only my family knew about as I shared how special this place meant to me. Trudging up the steep hill I was completely out of breath as gasping for air when I reached the top, walking under the shade of the tall oak tree I made my way to the trunk of the tree

The engraving Hannah and I marked into the tree trunk remained intact over the years, the tree was covered in other marked initials of my children and grandchildren along with the love of their lives, and I guess you could say this was a real family tree now. I saw the bench in the distance and made my way over to it to sit down, placing my walking stick beside me I looked out into the distance, taking in the natural beauty of this place that hasn't changed in all of it time

Looking down at my left forearm I traced my fingertips over the skin that was smooth and soft again in places and rough in others after my attempt, the only thing that remained was the scar the doctors had patched back up. A few minutes later a presence came back besides me on the bench as I saw Hannah was here

'Hey Helmet'

'Hi Hannah' I greeted warmly. 'What are you doing here?'

'I was curious as to what you were doing out here all alone'

'Thought I'd take one final look before I die Hannah, it was always so peaceful up here'

'This spot was such a beautiful space' she replied. 'Thank you for sharing this place with me'

'This is our safe space remember'

'I know Helmet' she smiled. 'You think you're gonna die soon Clay'

'I'm old now Hannah I've lived a life like you wanted me too and I've experienced the world that it's got to offer' I stated. 'I've had kids and grandkids and great grandkids. I know my own body and it's failing me now it just wants to rest for good'

'Ok Helmet' Hannah replied, pursing her lips together. 'We'll be together soon you just need to hold on a little longer and then we'll meet'

'Really, no jokes or anything we are going to meet soon'

'Yes really Helmet'

I sighed with great relief that I'm gonna meet Hannah again soon but not just only her but all my family and friends I had lost over the years gone by in my long life. I placed my hand over my heart as I could feel it was beating at an alarming rate while my chest felt like it was squeezed to tightly to death. I reached for my Rescue pager and pressed the distress button to alert the medical emergency crews where I was with its signal detection system and needed help urgently, taking sharp breaths I had my hand clutched around my chest while I waited for help to arrive, my eyes rolled inside my head as I blacked out from the heart attack I was suffering again…

With what felt like I was stuck inside a black hole I finally regained consciousness for what I knew would be ten minutes or so before I finally pass on for good from this world, the universe it seemed had granted me a chance to say goodbye to my family that were gathered around my side

'Hey kids' I stuttered breathlessly

Hannah and Charlie rushed up to my sides and enveloped me as I looked around my surrounding to find I was back in my hospital room, I wrapped my free arms around them as each breath I was taking seemed to be my last. At the foot of my bed I was all my grandkids and great grandkids were here in floods of tears as they did their best to compose themselves

'I love every single one of you so god damn much' I whimpered softly. 'I'll meet every single one of you again someday, I know I will but I'm going to another place to be with my family again'

'Dad' Hannah cried into my chest

'I will be ok Hannah I assure you' I admitted. 'I get to go be with the love of my life again, your mom'

Hannah nodded her head as my grip around my children loosened and fell onto the bed, I took one final deep breath before closing my eyes as the alarm on the monitors started beeping showing I was flat lining slowly…..

I watched as my soul rose up from my body and looked around the room before switching attention to the monitor as it flat lined and the doctors checked for a pulse as I requested not to be resuscitated on anymore. When the doctor called time on me the whole room burst into controllable weeping and tears that I passed on. I looked over at my lifeless body and felt tears well up in my eyes that it over now for me as a blinding white portal opened in my room, walking over to the shining bright light I entered into the portal and was dropping down into oblivion, darkness all around me before I splashed into a body of water and came out of the other side all dry and back to my youth again with no marks or imperfections on my body

It was like I had entered another world and reality because everywhere I looked in this world everyone was young and in their youth, I couldn't be sure where I was right night because I had unaged back to my own youth. Walking around in the neighbourhood I was in everything looked familiar as I noticed one house in particular, I ran as fast as I could to the house and entered through the front door

Looking around in the living room I found who I was hoping to see here again after so long apart, she was fixing her appearance in the mirror and straightened out her purple laces dress

'Hannah' I cried

She froze at the sound of my voice and turned on her heel quickly to face me; we both stood where we were for a moment before running to one another and embraced each other tightly. Hannah buried her face into my chest as I placed a hand on the back of her head and held her close

'Is it really you isn't it Hannah?' I asked

'Yes Helmet is it' she cried happily. 'For real this time'

'It feels so good holding you again in my arms'

'I've missed your touch Helmet this feels so good'

Hannah lifted her face away from my chest and looked deeply into my eyes, lifting both of my hands away from her body I cupped Hannah's soft cheeks and smiled weakly

'Where are we Hannah?'

'This is heaven Clay it's not what everyone was told it was and what it would be like here but it's peaceful here' she informed me. 'Everyone is told its all white and fluffy clouds but what we have here is enough for everyone to feel safe and loved'

'It's perfect here Hannah' I stated. 'I believe you owe me something'

'What is it?'

'Don't tell me you have forgotten after a hundred years apart'

'I haven't Helmet' she replied smoothly, snapping her fingers together that started the music on her sound system. 'Everyone is waiting to meet you Clay but they can wait a little longer as I owe you a dance first after so long'

I nodded my head and placed my hands on Hannah's waist and pulled her a bit closer to me as she rested her arm on my shoulder, our song filled the room like we were back at the school gymnasium for the Winter Formal

 _I am not the only traveler_

 _Who has not repaid his debt_

 _I've been searching for a trail to follow again_

 _Take me back to the night we met_

 _And then I can tell myself_

 _What the hell I'm supposed to do_

 _And then I can tell myself_

 _Not to ride along with you_

Hannah planted the side of her face back against my chest as I held her tightly, we swayed rhythmically to the music as I didn't want to ever let her go now that we were back to each other after more than a lifetime apart

 _I had all and then most of you_

 _Some and now none of you_

 _Take me back to the night we met_

 _I don't know what I'm supposed to do_

 _Haunted by the ghost of you_

 _Oh, take me back to the night we met_

 _When the night was full of terrors_

 _And your eyes were filled with tears_

 _When you had not touched me yet_

 _Oh, take me back to the night we met_

 _I had all and then most of you_

 _Some and now none of you_

 _Take me back to the night we met_

 _I don't know what I'm supposed to do_

 _Haunted by the ghost of you_

 _Take me back to the night we met_

Hannah pulled away from my chest and was puzzled as to why I was smiling widely; she placed her hand against the side of my face and cupped my cheek, drawing my gaze down to meet hers

'Do you feel loved her Helmet, safe and peace in a way you might not have done in your old life?' she asked. 'Does this place feel like home to you now?'

'I'm home now Hannah'

She smiled widely as I reached down and pressed my lips against her, connecting our lips together passionately as we melted into the loving kiss, we pulled apart moments later breathlessly before Hannah placed the side of face against my chest again and smiled widely as we swayed back and forth, finally together again after so long to spend a life together like we had want too but now we finally get to do just that…


End file.
